It was a hard case for us all. It was particularly tough for Olivia. It was late on a Thursday and we sat around the precinct mostly in silence. I wasn't even sure why I was still there. I guess I didn't want to be alone. Which I didn't really want to admit but it was true.

I perched on Elliot's desk and looked down at her. She was acting like she was busy with paperwork but I knew better. She wasn't concentrating. I had known her long enough to sense her quiet rage, her desperation. I was worried but at a loss for what to do. I'm not necessarily the nurturing or comforting type. I never have been. Well, not really.

"Here you go, Alex" El said, offering me a folder.

"Well, we live to fight another day" I offered, not quite sure what to say.

El nodded but when I turned to Olivia, I caught the tail end of an eye-roll. What the fuck was her problem? It was easy to get angry at her. Anger I understood. I tried to calm myself down.

"Olivia... are you alright?" I should have left her alone, I knew that. But I couldn't help myself. I liked controlling things... people... outcomes, everything. Olivia seemed out of control. And an inexplicable part of me wanted to ease her pain, I just didn't know how... or why it was so important that I be the one to do it.

"Fine" she uttered, annoyed. Annoyed at me? I couldn't tell but her annoyance was annoying me.

"Ok, I gotta go, see you guys later" she said, emotionless, as she picked up her leather jacket from the back of her chair.

I had gotten up from Elliot's desk. My arms were crossed as my last form of defense but when Olivia moved past me, I couldn't help myself and reached out to touch her arm.

She pulled back like I was an open flame. It hurt.

"Please, Alex, just leave me alone, ok?" she tried to soften her voice, ease her rage but it didn't work.

She walked out the door leaving Elliot and I looking after her. Even with such a cold reception from her, I couldn't help but admire her form. Strong, lean, toned body. Chestnut hair slightly past her shoulders. Fucking incredible ass. Ugh, I felt like a pervert.

I looked back at Elliot, still somewhat exasperated by her response to me.

He read my confusion. "Best to just let her blow off steam, Al. She gets like this. She'll be alright tomorrow" he said and went back to his work.

I looked at the vacant doorway where she had been and heard the distant bell of the elevator.

I breathed in the cool night air and found some comfort in it.

I felt badly. I think I hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to but why couldn't she just leave me the fuck alone?

Relax, Olivia, I told myself. She doesn't know.

The last thing I ever want in these moments is any attention from Alex. It was too hard. I accepted that I had feelings for her a long time ago. At first, it was kind of fun to have a crush on someone at work. Made the days a little easier, a little more exciting. In times like this, though, when all I wanted was to fuck someone and clear my head, it was torture.

I thought the crush would pass, that I'd grow bored like I usually did. But it didn't and I didn't. When she left, it tormented me. When she ignored me after her release from WITSEC, it crushed me. I still don't understand it but I've come to realize that I'd rather not know.

One night after she had returned as quickly as she left, when I felt like I was being suffocated by my obsession, I made a list of all the reasons why I could never have her. I burned it after but it was emblazoned on my brain. First of all, Alex was so not gay. Secondly, even if she were gay, we worked together and it could never happen. It would be wrong. Maybe that is why it was so alluring to me... why I was so attracted to her. I still can't figure it all out.

However, the last reason and maybe the most important one was that even if she were gay and somehow interested in fucked-up, train-wreck me, I could never trust myself with her. Because of times like this. Moments when I felt so out of control that the only thing that made my brain work again was to take someone. And I could never do that to her.

I ignored these desires, rages really, for a long time. But there came a point when I couldn't ignore them any longer. I felt sick about it. I was terrified that it was a part of my DNA. Maybe it is, I don't know. But then I gave in and it worked. Except the guilt of the morning after nearly killed me. After a few more times, the guilt went away or at least I found a way to compartmentalize it so it didn't paralyze me.

Of course, the sex was always consensual. There are lines I would never cross, ever. And now I had a small number of women I could call when I felt like this, who don't question me and know what I need. And seem to enjoy it as much as I need it.

I finally reached my car and sat in the front seat as it warmed up. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the names. I stopped at Jill. I didn't know her very well but that was kind of the point. I tried not to see any one too often as it gave off the wrong impression. I hadn't seen Jill for a few months.

I texted her my usual: "hey, what are you up to?"

I stared out my windshield, waiting for the reply. I thought about Alex. She was the one I really wanted. My arm still tingled where she had touched me as I left, it felt like it was on fire. I rubbed my arm, trying to free myself, as if it wasn't all in my head.

I was startled when my phone buzzed.

"hi! not much, meet me for a drink? i'm at weather up in tribeca."

"be there soon" I replied.

I went back to my office to send a few emails I had been avoiding since the verdict. I looked at the time on my blackberry. It was 10:01pm. I was tired but my mind was spinning.

I bet Olivia is still awake, I thought. I picked up my blackberry to call her but checked myself. Stop acting like a mental patient. She obviously wants to be left alone.

I have a hard time letting go which makes me a great prosecutor... but a shit friend. I want to fix things. I want to get my way. I wanted to be there for Olivia and it annoyed me that I couldn't be. I felt incompetent and rejected.

These feelings were rare for me but not exactly foreign. They were strikingly redolent of my one serious relationship with a woman. It was the first and last time I was in love.

I was a sophomore at Harvard. She was a third year senior, a fact she was notoriously known for around campus. I initially thought she was an idiot, she had to be. But then I met her one night at a party. She was so much smarter than so many of the privileged assholes I knew. I couldn't understand why she was still there.

We connected right away. At first, it was just a friendship. We listened to music and studied and went for coffee. It was fun, she was different.

I remember when I told her in her room one night that I thought I had a crush on her. She said "You're cute, Alex" and hugged me like I was a stupid kid. But when I left that night she turned me around and kissed me. And it was amazing. I had never felt like that before.

We were together for a year and then she left. Left me, left the school, left the state. And it broke me. I felt like a fucking idiot for ever letting down my guard. So I refused to show how hurt I was. I put on one hell of a show. For everyone. Inside, I felt dead.

Eventually the pain subsided and I moved on. Kind of. Sometimes I think I'm still broken.

Olivia reminded me of Emily.

I made up my mind to go to her apartment. I looked around my office and spotted a bottle of white wine sitting on top of my mini-fridge, a gift from Cutter. I grabbed the wine and my coat from the coat rack and locked my office door behind me. As I walked down the hall, the click of my heels on the linoleum comforted me in a strange way. Made me feel more powerful and confident than I felt inside.

I don't remember when it was that I realized my feelings for Alex were affecting different aspects of my life. One huge revelation I had was that while my "type" was tall and blonde, the girls I chose for nights like this were all shorter and brunette.

It was like I was protecting her from me. You are so fucked up, I told myself.

Still, I'd had plenty of fantasies about her, fantasies where I didn't protect her, where I did the opposite. Too many to count.

Even fighting with her was kind of hot. I'd get wet during our arguments. It made it hard to focus but somehow easier too. Like I was fighting both of us.

Why did she have to be so beautiful? It wasn't fair. She was also smart and witty and kind of funny if she let you see that side of her. I saw opportunities to get closer to her but I always pulled back. It felt irresponsible.

I saw Jill sitting at the bar as I walked in. I was pleased with my choice. She was cute and edgy and entirely the opposite of her. And I was more than primed. The combination of this fucked case and all the thinking about Alex had made me feel crazy, insatiable... tortured.

Jill would help dull the pain, at least for tonight.