FOR LOVING AND SAYING SO is the sixth story in the REJECTED BY ROYALTY series

CHAPTER 1 : TIT FOR TAT

Sometimes things can't be explained. They have to be accepted at face value. Death is one, as is birth. Someone is either going or coming at this very moment. Merlin had long ago accepted death, that didn't mean that he didn't rail against it but once he had expending all his energy refuting it, he would accept it as part of life. The comings and the goings flowed into each other.

Merlin sat watching Arthur as he did paperwork, reviewing treaties and town management charts.

"Haven't you anything better to do than sit and watch me?"

"No! I could think of something but it might be slightly distracting."

"Well, don't make any noise then."

"I'm only thinking that doesn't make any noise!"

"I can hear your brain clicking over and it is noisy...shush, if I don't have this finished by supper, I'll be burning the midnight oil!"

"That sounds promising...is it like a campfire and toasting marshmallows?"

"Hardly, more like. Go away, Merlin! Not now, Merlin! Take a hike, Merlin! See you later, Merlin!"

"Oh, then I'll leave you to it so that tonight it will be more like; Come here, Merlin! Now, Merlin! Get yourself over here, Merlin!" He turned towards the door saying over his shoulder, "Oh, Arthur, if you need me, I'll be with Gawaine."

Merlin adroitly ducked a pillow as he made his way to the door, with Arthur's voice echoing in his ears, "If you know what's good for you, stay away from Gawaine!"

Funny, how he could always get a reaction out of Arthur with that one name. Yet when the three of them were together, they had no problems as long as Gawaine acknowledged Arthur as the Mighty One!

For someone so important in the kingdom, Arthur had what Merlin considered a slight flaw. He was never completely confident that Merlin's attentions might not be captured by someone else. Not that Merlin cared as it meant that he benefited regularly from renewed declarations of love and statements of intent.

Merlin's only sorrow at this was that it made Arthur worry and feel insecure, unable to believe that he would have no interest in anyone apart from him. He had tried so hard to convince him that every part of his mind, body and soul was Arthur's for as long as he wanted him.

This is why the Gawaine line was perfect, as it set Arthur off, every time, like waving a red flag at a bull. Then for a few minutes, Merlin would feel guilt but the more he looked at Arthur, the more the guilt turned into fun and he'd look innocently at him with a slight smile until Arthur retaliated sometimes violently as in a goblet or a pillow but more often standing there with the look of a chastised child waiting for a smile to signify that all was forgiven.

"Why do you do it?" He'd asked one evening, cuddled on their upholstered bench in front of the fire. "It hurts you know!"

Merlin snuggled closer whispering, "Just for a second and then you swing into Casanova mode and make me realise that in the whole world, after Gaius and Gawaine, it's you hands down!"

Arthur stood up suddenly and Merlin slipped into a heap on the floor. "Aw, that hurt my rear. Arthur, I'm not as amply padded as you are!"

Realising that a door had slammed, Merlin looked up. Arthur wouldn't have gone into the corridor dressed the way he was. The only other door available for him to slam was the antechamber door.

Merlin stood up putting on his house slippers as the flagstones were cold. He picked up Arthur's and made his way to the door. He tapped politely saying, "Arthur, your feet must be cold. I was only fooling! Come back to the fire and I'll show you how I really feel."

Only one person controlled his life and that person was Arthur. He was to honour and serve the prince until destiny had been fulfilled. The only hiccup in this plan was if the royal idiot got over his head in trouble and he was unable to bail him out. Then all bets were off and Merlin could be called to complete his life cycle any day.

Once, he had pigeon-holed that thought, it never really crossed his mind, he was young and invincible, he had his whole life ahead of him. Arthur and he would shoulder on through life, facing a variety of problems but always realising that together they were able to accomplish more, than as individuals.

'Now,' he thought, 'I've done it!' "Please Arthur let me in, you know very well that nothing is further from the truth, you know I have always loved you and I never even think of anyone else in that way. You are the only one for me. We were made for each other." He thought, 'Even when you are really being childish...' "Come back to the fire, I can't sit there by myself, it's too lonely on a bench built for two. If however, you are really cross with me, I can go to Gaius's for the night. It's your decision and I will stand by whatever you decide."

Merlin was shocked when he heard Arthur saying, "Maybe, sometime apart might do us good. Don't call me, I'll call you!"

He couldn't believe that, no way! He raised his hand to blow the lock off the door but had second thoughts and walked over to the bed and retrieved his clothes, dressed and after stopping at the door said, "Good night, Sire!" and quietly left the room.

Damned if he was going to disturb Gaius's rest. He thought of the alternatives and then decided that the turret room was his best bet. He could light a fire and have a comfortable sleep if his conscience would allow it. Tomorrow, he'd try to patch it up with Arthur.

Arthur heard the door shut and decided that Merlin had been punished enough for his stupid remark. Anyway, he wasn't amply padded was he? He was sure that Merlin hadn't actually left the room. After the door shutting statement, he was probably waiting in bed for him. He couldn't shake the thought no matter how hard he had tried over the years, that if Merlin was going to be attracted to anyone it would be Gawaine. He knew that Gawaine would do anything for him and had shown it on many occasions.

'I'm so stupid,' he thought, 'I have a wonderful person who had professed his love for me and my silly mind keeps imagining situations which don't even enter his mind.'

He let himself out of the antechamber, slipping on his shoes, Merlin was right, his feet had been cold. He made his way across the bedchamber but there was no one in the bed. He crept around the bench and was ready to jump on Merlin as he sat in front of the fire but it was empty. He checked all of Merlin's favourite hiding places including under the bed but he was gone.

'Damn, where was he? Had he really left the room? How could he... then he remembered that he had told him they should take some time away from each other and included that inane phrase, 'Don't call me, I'll call you!'

Maybe he should check to see if he was at Gaius's but as he stood there he heard the sentries announce midnight. He wouldn't disturb Gaius this late as he was old and had to get up early to see to his patients.

He still wasn't absolutely certain that Merlin was not hidden somewhere. He unfurled the curtains tied to the four bed posts on the bed and then retied them. He glanced up to see if he was possibly lying above the bed but the material was taut with no dip for a body. He opened every cupboard and chest. Nothing. Suddenly he remembered the exit door in the antechamber. That's it, he'd gone out the main door and waited outside until Arthur left the antechamber and then sneaked back in and was possibly lying on the cot in the manservant's room, laughing as he heard Arthur checking out the room.

Well, two could play that game, Arthur tied his dressing gown around him and sneaked out into the corridor and tiptoed to the exterior door to the antechamber. He carefully depressed the latch and held his breath. Slowly, he opened the door, he walked to the door of the manservant's bed chamber and peeked inside. Nothing, no Merlin!

Then he began to get annoyed. 'Who did he think he was? As his manservant, he had been told to lock and bar all doors leading into the royal chambers, anyone could have walked in on them. That was it, he was turning in and he'd take it out on him tomorrow!'

Neither man slept. Merlin was warm and comfortable in the turret room but felt strange being in such a large bed on his own. Arthur was warm but worried, he absolutely hated sleeping alone especially when he had no idea where his regular bedmate was hiding.

Arthur woke to the sun streaming in on his face, he smiled and reached out and then the facts surfaced, he didn't know where Merlin was. He squinted towards the window. He pushed his elbows back, resting on them, his breakfast was on the table. Thank, God, he was back! He could see into the water closet and there was steam rising from water in the pitcher on his dressing table.

"Merlin? I didn't sleep last night without you. I'm sorry I said such a stupid thing, we never need time apart we just need more time together. Come here!"

Not a sound...he put his feet over the side of the bed and waited. Merlin was going to jump him, he could feel it. He didn't trust him one bit, he had the patience of Job and would wait until Arthur was completely relaxed before reverting to the 'incoming manoeuvre'. Arthur smiled to himself, life was never dull with Merlin around!

"Merlin! Hurry up," Arthur laughed, "The water is getting cold and you'll have to get more before I can get washed."

Slowly Arthur realised that he was having a conversation with himself in an empty room. This was no longer funny! Merlin was always up in the morning to make sure that the door was open for the staff who brought breakfast and hot water into the antechamber. Then he'd halfheartedly serve breakfast, make up the bed while Arthur washed and settled on what he was going to wear and help him dress...

Who had been in his room to deliver breakfast? It had to have been him. Arthur knew that he would never have permitted staff to enter the room when he was asleep in bed. He ate, hurriedly washed and dressed. It was such much easier having someone put on his boots even if they were sometimes rather personal! Funny, he thought all the little things that he and Merlin used to joke about made life in Camelot so much more bearably. He was certainly in less than a jovial mood as he clumped down to Gaius's to drag Merlin back to where he belonged and where he was wanted, even needed.

Gaius had breakfasted and was preparing salves, an ugly green looking paste that reminded Arthur of frogs yet he had never been brave enough to ask about the ingredients. A shudder ran up his back. Those things in the bowl were certainly deer's eyes! 'I don't want to know,' he thought.

Gaius looked up and smiled, "So, how's my favourite Crown Prince this morning?"

"Your favourite Crown Prince would be happier if his manservant had been present overnight..." He noticed the surprised and worried look on Gaius's face.

He realised that the news was a shock to the physician. "He wasn't with you? He's not here, I haven't seen him since he was serving at supper last night. What have the two of you done?"

Arthur had the decency to look sheepish, "I had an argument with him over Gawaine."

Gaius shook his head smiling, "Arthur, he's winding you up about Gawaine. They are friends but nothing compared to the two of you. Come on, out with it, what else did you do or say?"

Arthur felt as if he were standing in front of Gaius as he had when he was younger, confessing to all the various things which had resulted in skinned knees and goose-egg bumps on his head. "I told him that we needed time apart and not to try to get in touch with me, as when I was good and ready, I'd get in touch with him."

Gaius just shook his head. "When are the two of you going to grow up and act as mature adults? Feelings are fragile and Merlin is under a lot of stress. You are the Crown Prince and he is a manservant, he has no clout and have you not noticed how he watches you when he has nothing else to do? He idolizes you and he can at times feel quite insecure, that someone like you would love him. I'm sorry, I don't know where he is. You haven't seen him at all, right?"

"Well, he must have delivered my breakfast and hot water this morning but I never woke up. Please Gaius, if he turns up here, send word, I'll drop everything and come immediately."

"That's not going to make the king very happy is it?"

"Forget the king, I need Merlin more than him any day"

"Arthur!"

But Gaius was rewarded with the back of a figure exiting from his chambers. He thought, 'Merlin, I hope you know what you're doing this time!'

Merlin knew exactly what he was doing, he was changing Arthur's bed, collecting clothes and linens that were to go to the laundry. He'd tidied up the wardrobe and chests. The servants had arrived to remove the breakfast platter, so he'd cheekily given them the laundry basket to take to the washerwomen. He laid out suitable clothes on the bed for supper, checked all the door and windows and left their chambers.

He decided to drop by Gaius's. He wouldn't mind a day out in the woods gathering herbs and other specimens of fungi and the like which Gaius needed. Did he feel guilty? Of course he did... Did he miss Arthur? Yes but he wasn't yet ready to crawl back to him begging forgiveness. If Arthur could made hasty decisions about his feelings then Merlin had to right to nurse said feeling until he was ready to approach his lord and master!

He didn't get the welcome from Gaius which he had expected. A little bird had already beaten him, to lay his grievances on the table.

"Where did you spend the night? I don't think Arthur by the look of it, slept very well?"

"I went to the turret room and I am resigned to live there in the state of celibacy until he comes to get me?"

Gaius had to laugh. Merlin's plans for paying back Arthur's non-trusting mind always amused Gaius. He just shrugged his shoulders and maliciously chuckled saying, "...and I hope Gawaine doesn't happen along in a week as you'd be all over him."

"I would never cheat on Arthur, I think of no one but him, Gaius, you know that."

"Then, maybe, you should tell him and stop this playacting!"

Merlin with a suspicion of a grin asked, "Did he miss me, do you think?"

"I'm surprised you didn't pick up his bawling like an abandoned calf in your turret! Anyway, he's in Council with the king, now so what do you say we, pack a lunch then take the time to wander in the woods to see what Mother Nature has for me..."

The fresh air and relaxed atmosphere of the woods did wonders for the pair of them. Merlin actually forgot Arthur for a few hours and came back to Gaius's laden with baskets and sacks of plants, roots, fungi, bark and grotty looking worms which he didn't ask about as he really didn't want to know!

Arthur however had not benefited from being enclosed in a council room with the king, some elderly dozing and even snoring advisors and a list of laws to be revised. Anyway, Merlin's absence was foremost in his mind so much that at one point, he asked the king for a break to clear his head as he had not slept well last night. As a magnanimous gesture, the king halted the proceedings for an hour allowing people to walk around and in some cases wake up!

Arthur high tailed it to his chambers, he saw that they had been tidied and that his clothes to be worn for the evening meal were laid on the bed. He felt sick, this was no longer a joke, he'd kill him when he finally had a chance to lay his hands on him. Well, maybe not kill him but he would be really cross with him, he decided!

Slowly, he made his way to the council room with his head down, not noticing the shadow which blended into a doorway as he passed it.

Merlin's heart leapt but he clenched his fists allowing his nails to bite into his palms to stifle calling to him. Then he had passed and the opportunity was lost, he could have kicked himself, one little word and Arthur would have melted in his arms or vice versa. He wasn't sure but someone would have melted..."

There was a knock on Arthur's door, around the time he should have been getting dressed for supper and Arthur smiled, he knew he'd turn up, Merlin couldn't stay away that long and he didn't want to be away from him that long either. He said, with a little laugh, "Come in, Idiot, I forgive you!"

A strange voice said, "Sire, I have come to help you dress." Gavin walked into the room, he was now a squire who had reached the level of helping dress knights. He never thought he would be asked to help the Crown Prince.

"Ah, Gavin. You have come to help me. Did Merlin send you?" Gavin dropped his head.

Arthur saw that as an affirmation. "It's alright, this won't take long. Now pass my boots and hold them steady for me, good. Stand on the bed and drop the tunic over my head, very good, can you reach the clasps at the neck? Jump down and hold my jacket for me, now up on the bed to straighten the shoulders. Excellent! How do I look, as good as when Merlin does it?"

"Sire, you look perfect. Don't yell at Merlin for sending me. He wasn't very happy as most of the older squires were already spoken for."

"Well, if I couldn't have Merlin to help me, I am happy that you were able to do such a good job. Are you also serving me at supper?"

"Yes, Sire."

"Good, I know we will get on famously. Just put another log on the fire and we'll go down to the dining hall together. Did I ever tell you that I don't eat sprouts? So if sprouts are served, you don't have to give me any is that understood?"

"Yes, Sire!"

Standing in the antechamber, Merlin marveled at Arthur's kindness to a squire who was a little overwhelmed by the challenge which Merlin had set him. He'd be fine as Arthur would look after him and by the time he got back here, Merlin would have hung up all today's clothes, put out his night clothes in front of the fire and turned down his bed.

'Bonne Appetite! Arthur,' he thought, before, heading as a treat, to join Gaius in his chambers for supper in front of the fire...

Arthur returned to an empty room and dismissed Gavin telling him that he could manage and thanked him for being so helpful. He couldn't believe that Merlin was still unaccounted for; he was beginning to be slightly annoyed. He'd again spoken to Gaius who had told him that he had to settle something like that himself.

"Well, is he alright?"

"I believe so Sire!"

"Gaius, I miss him."

"I know, Arthur, but you should be telling him that, not me!"

"Well, how can I if I don't know where he is!"

"You do, Arthur just think!"

As Arthur walked out the door, Gaius glanced up as Merlin came down his stairs. "Satisfied, are you? Stop this silliness, give him a chance to apologise and get on with your life..."

Merlin had heard what Arthur had said and truthfully, he could see that he was missing him and it had made his feel guilty.

Arthur sat in front of his fire, still not undressed. There was a tap on the barred door and he had turned expecting Merlin to answer it. Then he remembered, he got up and said, "Who is it?"

A voice said, "Me!"

A door had never been unbarred so quickly. Merlin was dragged into the room. "Where were you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said. I really missed you. I knew when you had been in our room but by the time I got here, you were always gone."

"Arthur, I think it's time, you got undressed, don't you?"

The prince handed himself over to his competent manservant who hands were possibly more intrusive than normal and he smiled...