AN: This is un-beta'd, sorry for any mistakes.

What's in A Name?

o.0.o

He didn't know how to say it.

Emily was standing here in front of him with that glow in her eyes and real smile on her face and he had to destroy it, had to fucking tell her and he didn't know how.

He didn't know how to push her away.

But she was handing him Sammy's collar and suddenly it came to him.

It was all in a name. It always had been.

"Actually, it belonged to… Amanda."

"Amanda?"

And there it was; the death knell for everything.

The end of this un-nameable thing that sparked between them anytime they got within touching distance, this pull that was so strong it was tangible, it was a physical thing and Jack could swear that if you looked hard enough you would be able to see a cord tying them together: always pulling, always straining for the them to recognize it, to just acknowledge it. To stop fighting it.

But it didn't matter how hard it pulled. It could never matter. Because where Emily and Jack may have been connected by a cord, he and Amanda would always be bound together by chains.

He had placed them around his heart willingly and threw away the key. Just because someone else had somehow picked the lock didn't mean that he would take them off. He couldn't.

They were a part of him now.

He couldn't breathe as Amanda took her place next to him, when she reached out to hug her friend. All the oxygen in his lungs and he was silently suffocating.

This was wrong. It felt so very wrong and the reasons why didn't make any damn sense!

This was something he had always dreamed about. Having a family and having that family with Amanda- it was everything he had ever wanted. A simple life with the two of them finally together, never to be parted again. A happy child- or a few if he could talk her into it- to love and care for, to raise in safety and security as their own parents couldn't.

He had sworn on every lucky penny, birthday, every fucking shooting star.

Please, just give me the chance. Just bring Amanda back to me and I will be whole again. I will make her happy, I swear it…

His wish was granted. Amanda was here, safe and whole and standing right next to him touching his hair, swollen with his child and gazing at him with a loving smile.

But instead of a dream it felt like a Freudian nightmare.

His heart wasn't next to him, but turning away with shuttered eyes and a lying smile. The touch of his lost lover felt cloying and possessive. The sight of her swollen stomach conjured feelings of dread rather than hope.

His wish was granted and he was beholden. He had a vow to fulfill and everything inside him was struggling to keep it.

How the hell did everything get so twisted?

"Let me walk you to your car."

Those words were so fucking inadequate. They didn't even begin to address what really needed to be said. Really they were a plea, for just one more moment so that he could try to explain, to salvage some kind of friendship so he wouldn't lose her completely.

But he should have known better.

Jack could see how her shoulders tensed and her eye's became sharp. Emily was in pain and he had done that to her. Two words and he was shut out for good.

"Goodbye Jack."

Then Emily was gone.

Amanda smoothed his hair back some more as he stared after Emily. He was trying to keep his breathing calm and his heart from leaving his throat.

He was forcing himself to let her go.

Amanda crooned in his ear. "It was nice of Emily to bring Sammy's collar by. I'm sorry that I wasn't here to help you bury him but- "

"I didn't."

She stopped touching his hair. "What?"

Jack sighed and stepped away from her to reach for the cleaning supplies on the bar.

"I didn't bury Sammy. Not alone. I laid him to rest but Emily was actually the one who dug the grave."

Jack's fists clenched and he couldn't help but adding. "It should have been you."

Turning back to her Jack could see that Amanda was surprised at the irritation in his voice, but this night had left him raw and everything was at the surface.

"You should have been here. Sammy was your dog, first, after all."

Amanda bit her lip and looked down. "Your right. I'm sorry that I wasn't here. For Sammy-or for you."

Jack shook his head. "You know; I just don't get it. Why did you leave?"

Amanda looked up at him with sad brown eyes. "I was scared. With everything that was going on, with the Grayson's and the shooting and you. I was afraid I was going to lose you, just like I lost my father."

"So you ran?" Jack demanded, incredulous.

"Yes!" She shouted, turning away from him. "Look I know it doesn't make sense and I know I screwed up- that I'm screwed up ok? I'm sorry! I am so sorry and I know I don't deserve you and I don't deserve to have you back but I-but we-" Her voice was filling with tears and she ducked her head to hide the evidence of her crying from him.

Guilt pierced through him and he reached to pull her into a comforting embrace.

"I love you Jack, I swear to god I do. I didn't want to leave, I had to and I understand if you don't want me anymore and I'll go if you want, but were having a baby and he needs a father Jack!"

"Shhh, shhh. Calm down. No one is going anywhere." He soothed.

"But you hate me!" She sobbed into his shirt.

Jack closed his eyes against the pain and kissed her hair and he told her the truth.

"I could never hate you" He whispered. "I made a vow to love you always, no matter what and that is exactly what I am going to do. Even if you leave." His voice cracked at the end but he just held her tighter, willing his words to be true. "Were going to have a baby, so you can't ever do this again, ok? Not ever, because a child needs his father and his mother. You can't… you can't do what my mother did. Do you promise me?"

"I promise." she hiccupped.

"Okay, I believe you." he said, releasing her to look down into her tear stained face. She looked lost and exhausted and he felt like the biggest bastard for the next thing he was going to say.

"I'm not going to lie to you. I will never lie to you. But it's going to take me some… Time. To get used to all of this. I thought you were gone forever and I mourned you, Amanda. Again. Now your back and were going to have a baby and its everything I could have ever wanted." He said fervently.

Amanda faint smile appeared on her lips but her eyes were still wary so Jack continued.

"I want you here, with me where you will be safe and cared for, never doubt that. Just be patient with me, ok? I just need a chance to get used to this, to everything that's happened, you know?"

Amanda watched him warily a moment before nodding. "Ok. I'll try not to push. "She smiled awkwardly and his heart ached for her anew. For as tough as she always tried to act Jack could always see how different she felt around other people.

How alone.

"Listen, why don't you go laydown? You look exhausted and I'm pretty sure it's not good for you or the baby for you to get this tired."

Amanda smile turned genuine. "Ok. I am pretty beat. Being this pregnant makes me feel like I could sleep for a year straight. Just, don't stay up to late doing all the chores, ok? I'm sure that Declan can help you in the morning?"

Jack smiled back and gave her shoulder a quick squeeze. "I won't, but I think I'm going to take the couch tonight. I'll come in and check on you, I promise."

Amanda's smile fell a little, but she quickly recovered. "Ok. Goodnight Jack."

"Good Night Amanda."

Jack watched her slowly make her way out of the room and down the hall to his-their old room. He didn't pick up the cleaning supplies again. He had already wiped down the bar three times that night. His need to feel in control in his currently out of control situation.

Instead, he sat on the barstool staring at the space where he had watched her disappear around the corner. An hour, maybe more, and he silently stood and followed the same path.

Step by step he made his way to his room until he was standing in the doorway, watching the gentle rise and fall of Amanda's frame as she slept. Oh so slowly he made way around the bed to gently press his hand to her swollen stomach.

There.

The heat of her was amazing. She felt like a furnace underneath his palm even through her clothing. Jack wondered if she noticed and was constantly uncomfortable? Maybe he could-

He felt it. It was faint, but he could feel a light fluttering against his palm.

His child was moving. His child.

Releasing a heavy breath he didn't realize he had been holding, Jack allowed himself a moment to caress his unborn baby.

His.

The crazy events of the last 24 hrs all boiled down to a single fact.

He was going to be a father.

Nothing else mattered than that.

A moment later Jack quietly straightened and left the room, gently closing the door behind him.

He made his way to his bathroom, undressed and took a long hot shower. Afterwards he fetched some extra blankets and pillows from the closet and made his way over to the couch. He may not have been a tall man, but the couch was just barely short enough to not be comfortable to sleep on for long hrs.

Settling in, Jack pulled the blanket over himself and tried to sleep

o.0.o

The darkness was absolute, but it was not empty. Someone else was here.

Jack…

Slowly, an orange flickering light could be seen in the distance. Jack could feel himself moving towards it and as he did a room slowly came into focus. It was a living room, with a fire in the hearth.

Emily's living room. He was in the cottage.

I shouldn't be here….

"Hello, Jack."

Slowly Jack turned around to see Dream Emily sitting on her couch, staring into the fire. Her expression was not serene, but sad. It had been months since he had stopped dreaming about her. Since he had made himself stop.

"You were waiting for me?" He asked quietly.

"Yes." She answered quietly.

"Why?"

She didn't answer him right away. Feeling frustrated, Jack went on the offensive.

"Look, I'm not doing this again. The last time may have been a slip up, but there is more involved now and this cannot- "

"I know." Her tone was neither soft nor forceful. But Jack still felt a strength behind it.

"Then why are you here?" He repeated, frustrated. On top of everything else, he did not need to deal with this again.

"I'm here because you needed me." It was then that she looked at him and Jack caught his breath. Her eyes were like broken glass with the light of the fire dancing in the shards, unshed tears threatening to spill.

"I will always be here when you need me Jack, whether you want me or not. Because I love you, you know that, and if this is what you choose, then I this is where I will be. Waiting. Always.

Jack's voice broke. "But you're not the real Emily. I had to choose, and it had to be Amanda, it always had to be Amanda, so what good would it do to keep doing this?"

Dream Emily stood and silently made her way over to him. She did not try to hold him, just merely stopped in front of him as she cried tears of sparkling fire. Finally, she closed her eyes and tilted her head until it rested against his own and said "I'm not really here. I am only in your mind Jack. But Emily is real. And you love her…and she loves you. You know it. But you let her go. You made a promise and you will stick by it, I know you will. But right now your heart is broken. It's not wrong to need comfort. We won't do anything. Just let me be here for you, this one place, to help you heal. Emily would want that. She wants you to be happy."

Jack squeezed his own eyes shut in pain.

"You can say everything you didn't get a chance to, to tell her how you really feel. You can tell me everything."

Jack didn't know if he was going crazy or to Hell or whatever, but he opened his eyes and looked at his minds version of Emily, really looked. Her hair was messed up and there were tear tracks down her face, but other than that she was perfect. He knew that in reality when Emily really cried her nose ran just a little bit and her perfect make smudged just around the edges. It was small discrepancies like this that just reinforced the certainty that this wasn't real, that she wasn't real.

Which meant that he wasn't doing anything wrong by giving in.

He lunged for her and at the first gasp he swallowed it greedily and whole with his mouth, his hands immediately coming up to frame her face, desperate for the feel of her skin.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry…" He chanted in between kisses, always swallowing any reply the dream in his arms could have made before it was uttered. He didn't know if he was apologizing to Emily for their lost chance, or to himself for being weak, but in this dark corner of his mind he could let everything he was feeling go and not be blamed. He could strip himself bare and taste the sweet pleasure of the woman that he loved, could show her everything he felt in a way he would never get a chance to in reality.

At least he could have this, just one last time.

Because his mind was apparently very good at filling in the blanks, of what it would be like to slide across her skin, exactly how her breath would hitch against his ear when he rocked his hips just so, how it would cause her to clench her thighs around him and urge him to more, more…

How his heart would have swelled and shatter at the same time, how he rose to heights of pleasure but sunk in depths of despair, because this was the only way they could ever be together.

And this had to be the last time. It had to. He had to learn to deal with the pain.

He had to learn to love Amanda again-to forget Emily Thorne.

These were things that he told himself. These were the lies that he had to start believing.

Because the look of pain that had been on Emily's face as she said goodbye would probably haunt him forever.

But the idea, the dream of what they could have been like together would drive him to pure madness.

o.0.o

Two Months later...

Amanda a woke to the feeling of a full bladder. Again. Groaning in annoyance and the effort of shifting her weight, she noted by the darkness that it was still the middle of the night. Lumbering her way to the bathroom, she made an effort to be as quiet as her condition would allow so that she wouldn't wake Jack.

He was having trouble sleeping after all.

Upon her return back to the room however she could plainly tell, even in the darkened room, that Jack's silhouette was not in the bed. Curling her hands into fists, Amanda did her best to calm her temper. It wasn't good for the baby for her to get angry over the fact that this was the third time in two weeks that her boyfriend had ditched her bed to go sleep in the boathouse.

Forcing herself to lie down, Amanda allowed herself a moment to stew over the possible causes of his nightly escapes. She knew that he wasn't cheating on her. He was too good a man for that, but at the same time there was a detachment there that had worsened since she left. Something kept catching his attention and he would get lost in thought, completely forgetting her existence...

...and the baby's.

This was something that Amanda couldn't allow to continue. Once the baby came, things would be different. Because she had chosen Jack to be the father, whether he was the biological father or not. And her baby was going to have the loving family she never did.

She would make sure of it.