"No."

It's the first and only word that falls from her lips as the director of her high school play tells her she has to kiss Dan. Dan Humphrey.

"It's not a matter of yes or no, Blair," Julian explains. "You have to do it. It's in the script. It's in the book."

"A book that was written in, what? 1920? I believe that Mrs. Wharton would allow us to take some liberties in 2009 and change it a bit."

Julian pulls a face. "That's not a possibility."

"Then can we just do a stage kiss? You see, I'm not up to date on my shots."

Julian rubs his temples in frustration. "This is high school, Blair. Be mature. We want authenticity and… genuineness."

"It's Humphrey, though! How can any kiss between us be genuine?"

Julian pinches the bridge of his nose. "It's not a kiss between you and him. It's a kiss between Ellen and Newland. Be your character, not yourself."

"Fine!"

She stomps off the stage in true Waldorf fashion.

"If I'm going to kiss you, we need a list of rules, regulations, et cetera, et cetera… maybe even a contract, that you will have to sign in blood of course."

She finds him at school the next day during lunch, eating alone in the courtyard. Of course. It took her three hours the night before to come up with a list of rules Humphrey would have to follow in order for him to kiss her. She had typed it up and even included a nice dotted line for him to sign on at the bottom. Her father always taught her to get contracts in print.

He doesn't seem to get the picture when she shows it to him. "Um… what?"

She sighs dramatically. "First of all, no locking lips with anyone, and that includes teachers, for at least 24 hours before our kiss."

"I'm not-"

"Don't interrupt me while I'm talking, Humphrey. It's rude. Now, where was I?" She glances back down at her paper. "Ah, yes. No tongue. Absolutely none of that. I know it's supposed to look passionate and lusty, but I think we can achieve that without you sticking your tongue into any sort of orifice on my face. Kapish?"

Dan looks at her as if she's just sprouted another head. "That was incredibly too graphic for my taste."

"Just agree to my terms and let me move on. It's not that hard."

"Don't I get a say in any of this?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows. "I mean, it takes two to tango."

"I'm sorry, but your issues are not of my concern." She waves her hand as if she's fending off a mosquito. "Now, back to my list. I bought you a fresh tube of Colgate for the occasion and-"

"Look, I get it, Waldorf," he cuts in. "Have decent hygiene and make the kiss look believable without eating your face. I think we'll be okay." And then he actually smiles at her, and for some strange reason, her head dizzies a bit. "What's one fake kiss between frienemies, right?"

"Fine…" She gives him a sideways glance before starting to walk towards the door. "See you at rehearsal tonight."

"See you."

"You ought not to have come tonight."

"I look forward to seeing you. Every thought is burnt up in a great flame."

This is it - the awkward moment when Humphrey's lips are to meet hers and they are to share a convincingly romantic kiss. He brings his hand up to brush her cheek gently before he settles on placing it tentatively near the edge of her jaw. She shivers involuntarily.

Julian interrupts them. "Come on, you two! This isn't a tender moment. It's forbidden and passionate and sexy and-"

"We're getting there!" she yells, flashing her director a glare before turning back to Dan. "Kiss me, already. What are you waiting for?" she hisses under her breath, leaning in closer to him, their noses practically brushing.

"Every thought is burnt up in a great flame," Dan repeats, ignoring her question. Only there's something different about the way he says it this time around. It's not cheesy and melodramatic like before. His voice is husky and low and sends goosebumps running up and down her arms.

He traces a line down her left arm with one finger, and his hand comes to rest on her waist. They aren't in costume, and her button-down uniform shirt rides up a bit as his thumb rubs small, warm circles into her skin.

"What are you doing?" she barely manages to ask as he slides her closer to him on the carriage bench.

"Whatever are you talking about, Ellen?" he breathes out before crashing his lips into hers.

Neither of them hear the jarring 'YES!' from Julian as they embrace. They're too busy getting lost in their kiss, practically melting in each other's arms.

And she wants so badly to believe that it's Ellen kissing Newland… because Ellen is the one running her hands all over Newland's firm chest. And Ellen is the one swinging her legs over Newland's, straddling him in a desperate attempt to get closer. And Ellen's tongue is the one begging for entrance into Newland's mouth.

But she can't pretend it's Ellen anymore as he shifts a little and the friction between their bodies causes her moan out "D-dan."

It's not fair, really. She doesn't even stand a chance. No one has ever kissed her like this before. And it's certainly not fair when Julian leaps up on the stage and physically pulls them apart, leaving her frustrated and all-too-unsatisfied. He cancels rehearsal for the rest of the day and lets everyone else leave as he lectures them on what is and isn't appropriate for high school theatre.

When he's done talking Dan leaves before she even has the chance to blink.

"Humphrey!"

She pushes him in the costume closet and locks the door behind her with deft hands.

"You want to tell me what yesterday was about?" She puts her fists on her hips, trying to her best to look intimidating.

"Blair, can we not…"

"No! You didn't follow any of my rules! You stuck your tongue in my mouth, you clearly didn't use Colgate because you tasted like coffee, and you…" She trails off, thinking of the last rule. "You didn't kiss Rachel before we kissed, did you?"

"Of course not." He shakes his head. "There's nothing going on between us. At least not anymore." He pauses before stating, "I happen to like someone who is more age appropriate."

Her heart drops in her chest. "Ugh, don't tell me you're getting back with Serena. Things will never work out between the two of you, Humphrey. And I'm not just saying that for her benefit. It's for yours as well."

"It's not Serena, okay?" He tries to push past her to the door, but she puts a hand on his chest, stopping him.

"Then who?"

"Someone who I really shouldn't be interested in because she would never return my affections… and things would probably never work out between us. But she's brilliant and evil and confusing and beautiful and completely unfair."

"Dan…" She hates him, so she doesn't know why she's feels like she needs to kiss him at that moment. "When did this happen?" she asks, and it comes out much softer than she expected.

"I don't know and I don't understand. All I know is that I want to kiss you again because I've ever felt the way I did when you were kissing me yesterday. I'm supposed to loathe you and everything you represent, but I can't. I've seen too many sides of you to hate you, Blair. And I know I'm all Brooklyn and you're all Upper East Side and there are so many complications and insane people and things and past events standing in our way, but something clicked yesterday. Am I crazy for feeling like this?"

"Yes."

It's the first word that falls from her lips as she leans in to kiss Dan full on the mouth. Dan Humphrey.

"But I'm crazy too."

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