I Did: "I know we're a little dramatic sometimes, but I don't think anyone would ever consider taking their own life." There was a pause. Blaine felt like they were all waiting for him to talk, to admit it. He knew they weren't, but something inside him told him to do it. To just say it. "I did."
Notes: First half is Cooper's POV (the past), second half is Blaine's (the present). Spoilers for 'On My Way.'
Trigger Warnings: Talk of self harm and attempted suicide. Please read with caution.
00
When Cooper got his voicemail for the third time he started to panic.
Every night at exactly six o'clock Cooper called his little brother and they chatted for as long as they could. Every night. No exceptions. They had never missed it. Not once.
So when Blaine didn't answer the phone Cooper knew something was wrong.
He lived three hours away in Detroit, so it wasn't like he could speed over. But he was trying. Currently he was on the highway, going 20 miles over the speed limit and climbing. He quickly began calling his mother. Over and over and over again. She finally picked up on the fifth call.
"What!" Came the annoyed answer.
"Mom!" He cried, so incredibly relieved he got a hold of someone.
"Cooper? What's wrong?"
"Mom, are you home?"
"I just pulled into the garage, what-"
"Mom, you have to go check on Blaine right now!"
"What?" She sounded panicked. Blaine had been stressed for a while now. Cooper's nightly call and his mother's loving support had been helping…but ever since Sadie Hawkins two months ago Blaine had been seriously struggling. It seemed nothing was getting through to him.
Which is why this was bad. Really, really bad.
"Mom just go! Something's wrong! GO!"
Cooper listened to the sounds of his mom frantically getting out of the car, slamming the door, and running into the house. He could hear the sound of her heels slamming against the wooden stairs of their house. He listened as she called out Blaine's name, pushing open every door she passed. He listened as there was a loud crash, and then there was nothing…suddenly there was a loud slam, like she dropped the phone. Then the only thing he heard was his mother's blood curdling scream, her screams turning into frantic screeching of her youngest son's name.
Cooper didn't need her to confirm his fear. Swearing loudly and violently Cooper ended the call, slammed harder on the gas pedal, and dialed 911.
00
Cooper moved to Lima after that. He moved the bookstore he owned, shrinking it considerably and losing a lot of money, but he needed to be home. He moved back into his old bedroom, needing to be as close to his little brother as possible. Everything was different, everything had changed. But they could get through it together. They needed to get through it.
The therapy, for all three of them, was hard.
It took two years for Blaine to be himself again. Things got worse first. Blaine was spiraling again, getting distant. And right when Cooper thought he was going to lose him again, Blaine suddenly started perking up. He was less skittish, smiled more, and he was just himself. It wasn't until Blaine shyly mentioned a boy he met that Cooper realized why he was improving so.
Blaine had met Kurt Hummel.
And Kurt Hummel saved his life.
Cooper could never express in words how grateful to Kurt he was. Kurt didn't even know, didn't even realize what he had done for Blaine. But he had done it, and that was all that mattered.
So when Blaine came home one day, happy tears streaming down his cheeks, and proclaimed Kurt was his boyfriend Cooper had cried himself. Because his brother was back. And he was happy.
When he went to prom with Kurt, Cooper was terrified. He was literally shaking the whole time he was gone. When Blaine transferred to McKinley, Cooper had been terrified. He actually cried on Blaine's first day. But he'd never tell his little brother that.
When Cooper got a call from Kurt one night saying Blaine was in the hospital Cooper threw up so violently he was sure his throat was permanently damaged.
Cooper was terrified they'd go back to square one. Back to when Blaine was struggling. Back to when he was his distant, terrified self. Back to when Cooper could hear him cry at night. He was so terrified he'd lose his little brother all over again, no matter what he did.
But this time was different.
This time Kurt was there.
Kurt was there every night. He read to Blaine, cuddled him, held him as he slept, as he cried.
There were his other friends too. They visited and watched movies, joked around, sang, and just flat out made Blaine happy.
They were amazing. Cooper couldn't have asked for better God-sends.
But there were no Warblers. Cooper wouldn't allow them there, not after what they did to Blaine. They actually did attempt to come to the house, his first night back from the hospital, but Cooper had literally chased them away, running after their van down the road, no shoes on, baseball bat in hand.
Blaine didn't hurt himself that time. Cooper had checked, had watched. And when things didn't spiral out of control he thought maybe they were over the hurdle, maybe Blaine would be ok now.
But then Cooper came home early one day. He wasn't sure why he did, but he did.
When he entered the house he could hear music blasting upstairs. That was strange, since it was the middle of a school day. Cooper bounded up the stairs, pushing open Blaine's bedroom door, finding the room empty but the connecting bathroom door shut, light on inside.
I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control.
Cooper bolted for the bathroom door and without a thought went slamming in.
He found Blaine sitting on the floor. There was no blood, no visible wounds. Blaine was just sitting in the middle of the floor, whole body violently shaking. He looked up at Cooper, his face completely soaked in tears, his eyes bright red and wild.
In his shaking hands he held a razor blade.
"Cooper." He whispered brokenly.
Cooper's words died in his throat, a choking sound the only thing that emitted from him.
He slammed down on his knees painfully beside his brother. He quickly grabbed the razor from Blaine and threw it aggressively across the room, letting it land in the bathtub, grabbing Blaine harshly at the same time. He wrapped his arms around him, holding him so tight it was probably painful.
But Blaine didn't say a word about it. He just sat there, just sobbed.
"I don't know I'm doing." He was blubbering, "I don't know what I was doing."
"Shh, shh, Blainers, buddy, shh, it's ok. Oh my God. Blaine." It wasn't until he spoke that Cooper realized how violently he was crying. "Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, Blaine-"
"I'm sorry." Blaine was sobbing, "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't – I wasn't – I just came home and suddenly there was – I was holding it – I don't even–" Blaine's words were garbled, frantic, horrified. Both boys were so panicked, neither seemed to really even know what they were doing, just that they needed to hold each other.
Finally, after a while, perhaps a whole hour, the two calmed. They pulled apart, not letting go of the other completely. Cooper took Blaine's cheeks in his hands, holding his little brother's face and looking deep into his eyes.
"What happened? What happened? Did someone hurt you? Did you get in a fight with Kurt?"
Blaine shook his head, tears still flowing freely. He looked so small, so lost as he clutched Cooper's wrists. "No, no, I didn't – I don't –" Blaine let out another shuddering sob, trying to take a breath. "The boy- the boy who b-bullied Kurt – the one who hurt him and kissed him last year – he – he got outted." A rather harsh sob escaped Blaine, "He hung himself." Cooper's hands shook. Quickly he collected Blaine back into his arms. "I – I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, Cooper." Blaine sobbed, "I hate him so much but he – and I – I don't know what I'm supposed to feel and I just can't-" Blaine shook violently, clawing at Cooper's back. "I just blinked and suddenly I was here, holding that razor. I don't know what I was going to do. I don't know what I was going to do!"
"It's ok, Blaine, it's ok. Everything will be ok."
Blaine shook his head, "Why did I get the razor? Why was I holding it? I don't know why I had it – God, Cooper, that's – I don't – I'm scared – what was I going to do?"
"Shh, it's ok Blaine. I'm here and I've got you. You're not going to do anything. I promise."
Cooper held Blaine as he sobbed. Neither said another word for the rest of the night, they just held each other there on that bathroom floor, crying until they fell asleep on the linoleum.
00
Blaine didn't leave his room for 15 hours, though after waking Cooper made sure every half hour that he was in there, alive, and unhurt. He didn't emerge until the next morning when he had to go to school. Cooper seemed nervous but he let Blaine go to school, drove him there himself.
Blaine and Kurt skipped several classes that day. Hiding away in the choir room, holding each other, Blaine convincing Kurt it wasn't his fault. It wasn't until Rachel texted them and told them the club was having an emergency meeting in the auditorium that they got up.
Kurt and Blaine joined their friends in the circle they'd formed on the stage. From the look on Shue's face Blaine knew what he wanted to talk about, and Blaine didn't want to be next to Kurt for this. Without a word he took a seat on the opposite side of the circle.
They sat. Shue talked. The tension was building, Blaine knew what was coming.
Then Mercedes spoke.
"Mr. Shue, I mean - I know we're a little dramatic sometimes, but I don't think anyone would ever consider taking their own life."
There was a pause. Blaine felt like they were all waiting for him to talk, to admit it. He knew they weren't, but something inside him told him to just do it. To just say it.
"…I did." Blaine whispered.
There was another pause. A long, painful, silent pause. This one was worse than before. It wasn't the anticipation for making himself admit his darkest secret, it was the anticipation for the reaction to admitting his darkest secret.
"What?" It was Kurt. Of course it was Kurt. Why did it have to be Kurt?
"It was after Sadie Hawkins." Blaine whispered, and suddenly realization washed over Kurt's face, but everyone else looked more confused.
"Sadie Hawkins? Like the dance?" Puck asked.
Blaine nodded, "I had just come out of the closet. Literally two weeks before. My dad…he'd walked out on my mom and me. And my brother lived three hours away. But…e-even with my mom there and my brother always calling me I felt so…so alone." He swallowed hard, glancing up at the faces of his concerned and heartbroken looking friends. "So. I made a friend. The only real friend I'd had before the Warblers. His name…his name was Taylor. He was a year older than me, and he was the only other out kid at our school." Blaine's voice shook, and he took a shuddering breath, looking back down. "We got close. We didn't date but he…he gave me advice. Made me feel confident…so I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance at our school. We went as friends." He glanced up at Kurt. Kurt knew this story, he knew how hard this was. Blaine needed Kurt's strength, and the nod of confidence helped him go on, "We danced, we…we actually had a great time. And at the end of the night when…when we were waiting for his dad to come pick us up…three guys came out of the gym…and they just…" A quiet sob escaped Blaine's lips, "They wouldn't stop kicking us."
"Blaine-" Kurt whispered from across the circle, looking ready to get up and come over to him. But Blaine shook his head. He needed to say this, he needed to get this out.
"I woke up in the hospital three weeks later." He whispered. "Taylor was gone. His parents took him and moved to San Francisco. I…I haven't spoken to him since—since I was screaming for him to r-run." A harsher, painful sob escaped Blaine's lips. He stopped talking for a moment, pressed his right hand to his eyes.
Suddenly he felt someone take his left hand, and he turned to see Artie looking at him with tear filled eyes. The paralyzed boy squeezed his hand, sending him the strength he needed.
"A-after I got home from the hospital things were different. I…I was having a lot of trouble. My mom was struggling, my brother was struggling. Neither of them knew how to act…I didn't know how to act." He took a shaky breath. "And my brother…he owned a book store in Detroit. He'd already been gone for so long. He needed to go back. So I told him to leave. Told him I was fine. He called me every night and it…it helped but…" Blaine shook his head, "They didn't stop. Ya' know? I kept getting texts and Facebook messages…people just…they were so cruel." He took a shaky breath, "One day I turned my phone on, after having it off for practically three weeks. I had so many messages. I read through every single one. Each one was…was worse than the last. And I…I listened to them." He glanced back up, "So I got a box cutter from my d-dad's old tool box in the hall and I just…" Blaine trailed off.
He looked down at his left arm, ignoring the quiet sounds of his friends trying to cover up their crying. He rubbed at the concealer he wore over the raised skin of his arm. Over the thick scar that went from his wrist to the crease of his elbow. Soon the raised part of his skin was shiny and pink, and it became clear that the middle of his forearm had once been sliced open.
Holding his arm out he heard soft gasps, one of which he knew was Kurt. But he couldn't look at them. Couldn't take their horrified, concerned looks. "I slit my arm open. I…as I did it I could hear…I heard the phone. It just kept ringing. I knew it was my brother. I knew he was wondering why I wasn't picking up but I…I just…I didn't want to be alive anymore." Blaine shrugged, "I just wanted it to all go away." He held his arm close to himself, pressing his thumb hard into the old gash. "If it weren't for the fact my mom had gotten home right after I did it…well, I wouldn't be here." He paused, taking a shuddering breath, Artie squeezed his hand tighter.
"But…but you're ok, right? You're better?" Blaine glanced over to Finn, biting his lip.
"I…I don't know." A murmur of confusion overtook the group.
"What do you mean? I thought–I mean-" Brittany glanced to the others, at a loss for words
"You – you don't think that way anymore, do you Blaine?" Kurt asked, looking horrified.
"I—I thought I didn't but-" Blaine shook his head, desperation in his voice. "You've given me so much strength Kurt." He sobbed, "I—I was going to – to t-try again, last year, but then I met you." He leaned forward, trying to get Kurt to understand, "I met you, you made me so happy. And you – I felt like you needed me. Like maybe I had a purpose in life, if not to save you from that complete helplessness I felt in those few minutes with the box cutter. But – but I–" He let out another sob, and he felt Artie hold so tight onto his hand that he was losing circulation. He felt Shue's shaking hand on his shoulder. He didn't know what to say, didn't know how to explain. "I just – after we heard about Karofsky, last night, I just – I don't even-" He sobbed, looking up at his friends, "I went home and I just – I blinked and suddenly I was in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, a razor in my hands." A quiet gasp filled the room, panic evident on everyone's face.
"You – you didn't-"
"I didn't do anything." He said quickly, shaking his head desperately, "But I – I don't know what I was doing. I don't remember how I got there, or w-where I even found the razor. I have no idea what I was thinking, what I was going to do. Had my brother not found me I don't know – I don't know what I was going to do-" Another shuddering sob escaped him, "It was so scary. I don't know – I don't want to die. I don't. I'm so – I want to get married and adopt some kids and grow old with Kurt." Blaine said, not even thinking about what he was saying, "But something about – about singing that song and then hearing about David and I just – it was like my body just automatically took me there – like it was an instinct. But I don't want to die – I-I promise I don't want to die." He looked up at his friends, looking desperate. "You have to believe me."
Suddenly Blaine felt arms around him. He wasn't really sure who it was, but they were holding him tight. Suddenly there were more arms, more hands, they were all holding him, hugging him. "We believe you." It was Kurt's voice in his ear, of course it was Kurt.
They all sat there, no one moving, no one breathing, finally pulling back a minute later. "We love you, Blaine." He wasn't sure who said it, but it meant a lot no matter who it came from. Everyone went back to their seats, the circle now much smaller, closer together. But Kurt didn't go back to his seat. He knelt in front of Blaine's crossed legs, taking Blaine's hands in his. "Please don't ever leave me." Kurt whispered, looking deep into Blaine's eyes.
"I won't. I don't want to." He said sincerely, "And I won't." Kurt nodded, not going back to his spot next to Mike but rather sitting down on Blaine's left, wrapping a tight arm around his shoulder.
There was a moment as everyone collected themselves, wiping the tears from their cheeks or blowing their noses. "See guys," Mr. Shue said after a moment, voice even more somber than before. "Look around you, look at each and every one of your friends here. Before…before I said remember all the things you have ahead of you. But don't forget the things you have." Blaine glanced up at Kurt, smiling weakly at him. "You have each other, you'll always have each other." Without a word the teens started taking each other's hands. Artie took Blaine's in his once again, before taking Sam's beside him. Soon they were an unbroken circle, holding each other together, giving each other strength. "Even when some of you move, go to college, go to Broadway and Hollywood," They smiled at the ideas, glancing to each other, "You'll always have each other. You'll always have these memories. You'll always have this moment. Never forget that. Even…even in your darkest moments, never forget that."
Blaine glanced from Kurt to all his friends around the circle. "I won't forget it."
"Neither will I." Kurt said, and soon the others repeated the sentiment, squeezing each other's hands.
And suddenly, as if it were rehearsed, each and every one of them whispered, spoke, and all but yelled some variation of "I love you guys." They all looked around, surprised, and laughed a little.
"Thank you, guys." Blaine said, a soft smile gracing his lips as he wrapped his arm tight around Kurt's waist and squeezed Artie's hand. "I'll never forget this moment. Ever"