You know that I love you so,

I love you enough to let you go.

Though she's never been superstitious, when she loses Dan and Cece in the space of a week Serena starts wondering when the other shoe will drop.

They say bad things happen in threes.

Lily is a little like she was when Bart died and a little like she was when they got married; fluctuating between queer indifference and unbearable micromanaging. That said, Serena can hear her crying to Rufus at night. Her father is there and as a result Rufus is scrabbling to assert some primitive male dominance, but for the first time since he left when she was four Serena couldn't care less about William Van der Woodsen.

Sitting at her grandmother's funeral, surrounded by every person she ever met growing up and her entire extended family, there's so much sympathy she's drowning in it. Serena stands at the wake next to Chuck, who is solid and stoic in the midst of her emotional chaos, and when she sees Blair shoot Dan a gentle look from across the room, her chest hurts.

She's never felt more alone.

Its three weeks later, while she's still warily awaiting that third blow, that Serena receives a phone call from an extremely enthusiastic gentleman on behalf of Vogue. She listens with vague disinterest, wandering aimlessly through the Waldorf penthouse she's been staying at sparingly since Valentines Day.

He mentions something about a Chanel deal and something about Los Angeles, and Serena's prepared to rebuff him- New York is her home, Lily is here, and Chuck and Blair and Dan. The man pauses in his ranting, and Serena opens her mouth to say no when she spies a sweater hanging off the edge of the couch, and the familiar ache of heartbreak chokes off her declination. It's a faded blue, but she knows it was navy when she'd first brought it for him in junior year.

Lily is here, and Chuck and Blair and Dan.

Serena asks how soon they want her in L.A.

Her mother is proud first and foremost, and though Serena offers to stay if she needs her, Lily waves her off and instead embraces her tightly. It's an opportunity of a lifetime, and she thinks it would be good for her daughter to get out of the city for a while. Her daughter agrees.

Chuck's eyes are warm and supportive, though his smirk is knowing and when he hands her a drink in celebration he gives her a meaningful look, 'good for you'. Serena has spent a long time reading between her brother's careful words, and she knows he's taking more about escaping them than the job. She smiles, hoping he can find a way to do the same.

The reaction she receives from Blair is awkward, to say the least. She smiles in a way she doesn't mean and asks Serena how long she's going away for. Serena shrugs and hopes Blair, for once, accepts it and backs down. 'I'll miss you,' she says, brown eyes sincere, and it's all Serena can do not to cry or yell or both. Instead, she nods, "Yeah, me too…'

She wishes she meant it more.

Packing has never been something she's good at, and she stands in her room at the penthouse, surrounded by her clothes wishing she was sixteen again and could just take off without forethought. But this is different, this isn't a trip to Greece or a weekend in Dubai. This time, Serena isn't sure she's coming back.

Blair has gone somewhere (she doesn't really want to know where), and when she starts on the draws at her bedside table the first thing she pulls out is a five by seven frame. There's a girl in a gold dress and a boy with a matching vest, and they're kissing on the dance floor. Serena feels hurt bubbling up inside her as she looks at them, so young, so happy, so gone.

Serena throws it on the bed, pulling tights and stockings from the draw when there's a slight knock at her door. She turns with a handful of clothes, bracing herself for Blair.

It's the boy from the photo, sans the vest. Serena's throat dries and her heart constricts in her chest. Go away.

They haven't really spoken since Valentine's Day, and certainly haven't been alone since. Dan's standing uncomfortably in the doorway, his brown eyes perusing the mountain of stuff strewn across her bed before looking at her face. Serena's still and neither of them are sure what to do with this awkward, foreign chasm that stretches between them.

Dan shifts, hands in his pockets, "Hey."

"…hey." Serena wants to strangle the soft sadness in her voice, but he's standing there looking like he doesn't belong, and it reminds her in excruciating detail of all the time he was her boyfriend. He gestures at the bed,

"So I guess it's true."

Serena throws the clothes in her hand into the suitcase, taking an imperceptible step away from him, don't come closer.

"Yeah, it is."

Dan nods slightly, and she recognises the look on his face. There's a firm set to his jaw, lips pursed and brows slightly knitted above eyes that reflect his confliction. Serena looks at the floor, the bed, the wall, anywhere but at him, and her gaze falls on the picture sitting on her comforter. It's face-up, and it rends at her failing strength to see it again while he's here, so close and so fucking far away.

She wonders if this is that third thing she's been worried about.

Dan sighs, mouth open for a moment silently as he grapples with the words, "Why?"

Why?

It's a soft sound, its kind and a little despairing, and Serena feels the all too familiar sensation of tears betraying her, "Why not?"

Dan can tell she's upset, and he wants to comfort her, but she's withdrawn further and further since he walked in. Serena's handling a shirt, folding it over and over in her hands, and he wishes she'd look at him.

When Nate told him about Serena leaving it brought forth a storm of emotions; anger, guilt, sadness, and he thinks maybe he shouldn't be feeling these things for her. He loves Blair, but their relationship is at a standstill as she's wrapped up in escaping Louis, and he doesn't pretend to understand her connection with Chuck that she is extremely reluctant to release.

Dan's so certain of his feelings for Blair that he's blindsided when the first instinct he has when he hears Serena's leaving is to beg her to stay.

"Why…Serena, your whole life is here, you can't just leave." He's treading on very thin ice, because he so badly wants her to stay but is in no position to ask.

You can't stop me. Serena aches, and him being here is only wounding her further because not only is he someone else's, he's Blair's. "I don't have any reason to stay."

"That's not a reason to go!" Dan knows he's getting heated, but he's a direct person and dancing around what he wants to say is frustrating him. Serena sighs; she's hurt and tired and sick of being sad and just wants to leave this city and everyone in it.

"I'm going, Dan, I have nothing keeping me here."

She zips a bag shut, walking around the bed. He can't tell her not to go, he has no right, but he cannot imagine New York, his life, without her, and he grasps her by the hand as she passes close.

Serena stops abruptly, the familiar sensation of his hands in hers inspiring a fluttering in her chest she's missed; immediately afterwards it serves to do nothing but make her realise how much she loves him, how much she's lost to Blair, and she tugs gently as she whispers brokenly, "Let go."

"Stay," Dan leans to look at her face, which is a cataclysm of pain and bitterness, and he feels guilt rise in his throat, you cannot ask her this, "Please, please stay?"

Serena feels a single tear roll down her cheek, but an indignant anger kindles within her, and she looks at him, brown eyes open and pleading.

"Do you love Blair?" The set of his brow falters, and she doesn't need an answer. Dan swallows, "Serena-"

"You do. You love Blair, and that means that you don't get to ask me to stay!" She can feel more tears rolling unbidden down her cheeks, but she's too angry to care. Dan knows she's right about Blair, but still he frowns,

"Is that what this is? An ultimatum? I'm with you or you leave?"

Serena balks, choking back a sob and feeling her hurt and anger yearn to break free and tear into him. She looks away again, composing herself a moment and sees that fucking picture of them at Cotillion, still sitting on the bed.

Serena loved him then, and she loves him now; she loves him more than anything else in her world. Irrespective of what she tells Blair, it matters that she still loves him, it matters that Blair is her best friend; somehow, his happiness matters more. And what makes him happy right now is Blair. Her anger slips through her fingers, and she just feels empty, lonely.

"It isn't about me. You love her, Dan, and that's…..that's okay," She hopes it's the hardest thing she ever has to say, because the words practically strangle her on the way out, "But I can't be happy for you. I can say it, but I can't feel it." Serena's blue eyes gaze softly into his, and Dan really feels something for her in that moment, something scary. "I want you to be happy, but I can't be here, in this city, and be happy for you. Don't ask me to."

Dan just stares at her for a minute, and it's like he's seeing her at the Ivy Week mixer all over again. It's the most selfless thing a girl has ever done for him, that anyone has ever done for him, and suddenly she's so much more than what he thought she was. He knew it in high school, he knew it last year; somewhere in the last twelve months, he lost that. Looking at her, broken and weary, he realises he's lost more than that.

Serena tugs at his hand again, whispering with a finality that transcends her words, "Let go, Dan."

He keeps his grip on hers a moment more, and allows her to slip free from him. As she turns her back to him, Dan feels that same scary feeling in his chest, only this time it's tinged with heartache. Dan loves Blair. But when he turns to leave and sees a photo sitting on the bed, a gold dress and a sweeping kiss, a warm, familiar sensation swells within him.

He loves Serena too.

A/N: I was light of describing the Diar relationship not out of spite, but out of not being able to to them justice. Song lyrics and title belong to Kelly Clarkson. Please review :)