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No Way In Hell

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Disclaimer: I don't own Beelzebub any of the characters or its original storyline. They are all rightfully owned by the genius Ryuuhei Tamura. Power to the creator yall!

Summary: An innocent suggestion from Misaki and an over dosage of magical pills provided by the Demon Lord turns disastrous as Hilda and Oga are forced to deal with the horrifying aftermath of their "lovemaking".

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Oga had long since gotten used to the fact that circumstances in his house were changing on a regular basis, all of which were beyond his control. He accepted the fact that there was no such thing as privacy in his home anymore now that Alaindelon could pop in and out with the rest of the demon world's inhabitant's anytime he pleased so much that he couldn't even change out of his boxers without a yopple trying to bite his ass. He had accepted the fact that his entire family were a bunch of oblivious morons that pretty much came to their own conclusion about things before he had the chance to say otherwise. And deep down he had accepted the fact that Hilda and Beel were probably going to stay for the rest of eternity even if it meant he would be killed somewhere in the process if he didn't already try to kill himself first.

He had accepted this much.

But there was no way in hell he was going to accept the crap idea his sister had proposed.

"Ne, Tatsumi, mom and dad aren't getting any younger. Don't you think it's about time you and Hilda-chan gave baby Beel a little sister?"

"What kind of idiot idea is that? Why do I have to do everything? Who the hells stopping you from getting yourself screwed over with-" It didn't take long for Misaki to stop Oga's sentence short with her foot.

"Don't be a fool. I'm too busy with my own life to have children of my own, you know that!"

"Busy? What the hell do you do all day anyway? Clip your nails?"

"Hey, douche." Oga bitterly turned his attention to the demon maid sitting close by in her usual maid servant attire.

"Misaki-san makes a valid point. It wouldn't hurt for the young master to obtain some underlings of his own."

"What the hell are you saying? That's not what she meant at all! She's trying to say we should –Why am I even bothering to explain this to you!" Oga turned to his sister. "You can for damn sure bet Beel is not getting a little brother or sister. So, don't bother suggesting it! I got enough to worry about with him as it is!"

"Tatsumi-kun. You and Hilda-chan are having another baby? This is rather sudden news, wouldn't you say?" His mother intervened as she entered the room, holding a tray of freshly made croquettes.

"Hilda-chan! Thank you! To bless me with not one but two beautiful grand-children! I will truly be the grandest of all grandfathers!" His father added grabbing hold of both Hilda's hands as he spilled tears of joy on the living room carpet.

"A…Ah." Hilda responded in uncertainty.

"Oga you selfish bastard! What did you do to my beautiful Hilda-chan?" Suddenly as if out of thin air (or Alaindelon's vessel of a body) Furuichi showed up looking riled up over absolutely nothing in his usual fashion, Alaindelon in tow.

"Hilda-san, is this true? With such a lowly being not even close to the stature of my Takayuki-dono? Not that he's mine of course I'm just so protective as I'm so used to referring to him in such a fashion you see…"

Hilda glared silently.

"What the hell! Are you all insane?" Oga stood up, startling Beel who was clinging to his back during all the excitement. "We're not having another little brat and if the Demon Lord or whatever sends us another I'm going to shoot myself!"

"Didn't know you were so religious Tatsumi." Misaki said idly filing her nails. "You know … if that's how you feel about it your "Demon Lord" won't care either way if you don't start learning how to protect yourself from your mistakes to begin with." She implied pointing her nail file toward Beel who was now crawling on the carpet nearby oblivious as he was trying to smash a bug with his fist.

"That's not!" Oga felt himself losing it, but deciding ultimately to calm down as he realized his argument would just be lost in the utter stupidity of those around him.

"Aniki... I can guarantee there's not gonna be anymore brats." He said crossing his arms. "There's no way. No way in hell."

"Sides…" He continued closing his eyes. "I'm sure Hilda agrees with me that having another kid around here would be too much work… no doubt she's milked her chest dry by now."

The last thing Oga remembered was a flash of blonde before he was knocked unconscious.

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Lamia was bored. This usually didn't happen in her profession considering she had her hands full with work on a regular enough basis being the top notch assistant doctor that she was. However, at that particular moment she would definitely classify her situation as a boring one. She had been in the "waiting room" of the Demon Lord's lair for about a little over six hours now and she was just about ready to storm out when she heard his voice ring over the teleprompter.

"LAAAMIAAA-chan… come in now! I'm dying to see you."

Lamia turned the corner and saw the Demon Lord in his usual fashion, back towards her with his usual ridiculous headdress.

"Lord? You requested my presence?"

He seemed to be engaged in whatever was on his screen enough to avoid turning to face Lamia upon her entrance.

"I'm totally sorry for the wait. I had all these meetings with these Lords from whatever land and they were all "blabla we want to take over and stuff" and I was all "nu uh!" but that's over now. Now we can discuss real business!"

Lamia forcibly refrained from making a face despite his inability to see her expression.

"Lamia, I want you to make a potion."

"A potion Lord Master?"

"Duh, I just said that! Yes, a potion. I've been watching my son and I have to admit I'm rather disappointed at how things are progressing."

"Well, Lord I remind you he is still an infant afterall…actually he has been growing at a rather rapid speed lately due to-"

"No, no. Not him. I mean Hilda-chan and the human. I mean seriously, like, what's going on there?" The Demon Lord kicked his foot up on the dashboard of his control system and continued while he attempted to reiterate his feelings with his hands.

"I mean, 'coz like first they were all fighting and whatever and I was totally into it because it was just too funny seeing Hilda-chan's weird new expressions and everything and I figured my son could learn more about destroying humanity if he watched these two destroy each other, but to be honest I'm like totally bored of it now. Last I overheard, Hilda was all "Oga's a bastard and blab la" and I'm like ok tell somebody who isn't all busy with trying to kill humanity off and stuff."

"Lord?" Lamia pressed a hand to her temple as she tried to comprehend all this.

"This is where you come in Lamia-chan! I need you to feed some of that witchy brew you make to Hilda and that human man. Make them, like, happy and prancy. I think it's just way better that way wouldn't you agree? I mean it makes total sense right for when we destroy the world and stuff? If Hilda isn't busy thinking about killing whatever his name is she can focus on making sure he becomes a proper parent for my son… until the time comes when Beel-kun kills him himself! Along with the rest of humanity! It's a perfect plan ne Lamia-chan? I am like too smart and cool sometimes right?"

"Ehe… yes, my Lord."

Lamia had a very bad feeling about this.

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Hilda sighed to herself as she finished putting Beel in bed next to the still unconscious Oga. It wasn't like her to feel so tired. Both she and Oga had gotten used to Beel's night crying as of late and ever since he had progressed in age he didn't act out in shocking tantrums quite as often. Other than her lack of energy, something just didn't seem right to her. She had an almost impending feeling that something was going to happen that would throw things off course yet again.

That's when Hilda heard a beeping.

'Ah. It's time." It wasn't too often these days that she got the chance to catch her midafternoon soaps, so she had converted for the time being toward catching the late night dramas.

However, when Hilda looked to her watch she was confused. It was twenty minutes too early for her alarm to indicate that her most recent drama was on. No, this beeping was something else.

Hilda followed into the hallway to find the source of the beeping when she discovered that this beeping was none other than something very short, pink and white and very much shaped like Lamia.

"Lamia!"

"Hilda-nee-chan!" Lamia lurched into a hug at the rather surprised Hilda.

"What are you doing here at a time like this?" Hilda asked as Lamia struggled to turn off what looked like a watch but what was actually her very handy transportable device used strictly for sans-Alaindelon purposes.

"Hilda-nee-san! I had strict orders from the Demon lord to uh…"

Lamia immediately remembered something .

Lamia-chan! Don't tell Hilda-chan about the potion ok! Let's keep it between you and me! Bffs!

Xoxo –

Lord Master

"To uh… wish you goodnight! And to… give you this fruit cocktail!"

"Fruit cocktail?" Hilda inquired suspicious.

"Yes! It's what they call in the human world a delicious midnight snack! Make sure you take it. It's supposed to make you immensely strong." Hilda inspected the bottle curiously and made a note that it looked the furthest thing from any fruit substance she had come in contact with during her stay in the human world and very much like a bottle of what Misaki-san had once referred to as "pain killers". She supposed it made sense that something which would make you quite strong would have such a threatening name.

"And give one to the idiot too, ok?" Lamia shoved the bottle toward Hilda. "I have to run nee-san. But, remember… just eat one!"

Lamia was gone in a flash, but that uneasy feeling Hilda had still lingered. Why would Lamia-chan appear out of nowhere to give her such a thing?

Hilda had a very bad feeling about this.

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Baby Beel was the first to wake up. A weight was holding him down. He looked over to see Dah. Dah was still asleep

He crawled into the hallway. There was no one.

He crawled into the bathroom. Again, there was no one.

Mah was still asleep, too. This was usually the case each morning so Beel didn't make a big deal of it. In this situation Beel would wander the house for a little bit until Mah or Dah would awaken and find him.

When Beel was about to leave the bathroom he spotted something on the counter. It was a bottle with a lot of little candies inside. He would investigate.

Beel climbed to the top of the counter and grasped the bottle in both hands. He shook it. It made a noise similar to his rattle, but he was sure it was nothing like his rattle. He fought to open it for a few minutes before the cheap cover popped off and a million of the little "candies" spilled onto the counter.

He picked one up and put it in his mouth but immediately spat it out. It tasted terrible.

Then Beel spotted Mah's cup on the counter beside the sink and had an idea. Mah loved things that tasted really bad. Perhaps she would like these, too.

So Beel dropped one in her cup. And then another. And then another until there were five little red candies floating in her water. He watched excited at first but his expression changed as they dissolved towards the bottom. Beel made a face of defeat and hopped off the table before going to find Dah.

He would know what to do.

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Oga awoke feeling terrible and it took him a few minutes for his mind to clear to remember why.

Oh, right. The demon.

That crazy bitch. Oga scratched his head and yawned. Ugh. His head was pounding.

Oga reached over to where Beel usually lay but found he wasn't in his normal spot. He remembered the couple times Beel had woken up early and wandered off on his own just far enough out his window, down the drainage pipes, and into the street for Oga to be awakened by a sharp electric surge of lightening. Crap. He had to remember to put locks on that damn window.

The window was wide open. It was broad daylight but as Oga looked out and into the street he didn't see any sign of Baby Beel monkeying around outside.

He wasn't feeling any shocking sensation either so he had to still be close by.

It was a good thing that Oga had figured out by now that he could be anywhere in his house away from Beel and not be shocked by him. Funny enough, he could actually thank his dad for being too cheap to buy a bigger house.

So, if he was still in the house … where exactly was he?

Oga ran into the hallway and was stopped short when he spotted the little green haired baby running toward him.

Baby Beel grabbed his leg and pointed toward the bathroom urgently.

"Dah! Dabu!" Beel yelled urging him to follow.

"What is it Baby Beel?" Oga questioned rounding the corner to the bathroom and turned his attention to the bottle of pain killers that was spilled out over the counter.

"Oh… how did you know? Well, done! Men taking care of the needs of their fellow men… that's what's important." Oga grinned leaning down to pat Baby Beel on the head before reaching for the "pain killers".

Oga popped one in his mouth followed by another and then followed by another after that until he had taken close to five pain killers.

But, hell who was counting?

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Hilda walked toward the bathroom that she begrudgingly shared with Oga and gave him the once over as he walked out with Baby Beel.

"Feeling better?"

"Like hell I am you damned demon." He replied eyeing her maliciously as she passed.

"Don't use so many words you know little about you ignorant spine." Hilda hissed as her shoulder brushed past his.

Once in the bathroom, her eyes narrowed as she reached for her brush and roughly began to clean her teeth.

Fool. Hilda was so irritated that she almost didn't notice the pile of pills flooding the surface of the sink.

Hilda's memory came rushing back to her as she recalled her encounter with Lamia from the previous night.

As the hand that wasn't holding her toothbrush reached down to finger one of the tiny pills Hilda remembered vaguely pieces from their conversation.

"Immensely strong, huh?" She said to herself, eyeing the pill in her hand.

Hilda would rather die than admit that most of her worries lately had been how much Oga's strength had progressed in such a short amount of time. It was safe to gather that most of the strength was due to the help of the Zebub spell and other newly discovered techniques Oga happened to stumble upon along the way. And it pleased her as long as such progress would benefit the young master. Nevertheless, it worried her a little that she might fall behind. Even that Kuneida was growing stronger by the day. She had no doubt about her own strength, but it had its limits and if Lamia was giving her a guarantee to boost that strength even just a little bit what harm could there be?

She needed to be strong for the young master's sake. Otherwise, what use was she to him?

Hilda popped it into her mouth without a second thought before washing it down with her cup of water and quickly disposed of the rest of the pills before Oga could find them.

It's not like that idiot isn't getting enough help as it is.

Besides, no doubt he'd be too dumb to pay attention to Lamia's instructions to take only one pill.

That greedy bastard.

It was a good thing she had some sense. Otherwise, who knows what mess they'd be in?

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A.N. – So, there's my first timer Beelzebub Fic! It's a multichapter (which I haven't attempted in ages but i'll try! ;) so stay tuned for more and I hope yall dug it and stuff! Also, please review! ;)