When I'm Falling Down

"I come alive...when I'm falling down." - The Used, "I Come Alive"

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Key:

'Iceland's regular thoughts'

The demonic voice in Iceland's mind

regular story font

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Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia - Axis Powers, or any of the bands/songs that influenced this fic.

Closing his bedroom door to the world, the pale nation slid down the door until his bottom hit the plush maroon shag carpeted floor. Crawling over to his dresser, he pulled open the bottom drawer with shaking hands.

'They didn't care…Even when I told them, they didn't care.' Finding his equipment buried underneath the mounds of clothes, he left his drawer open and haphazard in his haste to quicken the process.

'Goddammit! They don't care…I'm just a burden, I've always been the one they don't want to stay home and take care of…'

'That's right…they don't need a fifth wheel like you in their fun.'

Clenching his fists and dropping lower to the floor, Iceland cried out. "Shut up!" His own voice was strangled with pain, laced with weakness. "Why don't you ever shut up!"

The voice only carried on its depressing tirade, causing Iceland to grasp at the carpet with clawed hands. 'Why would you want the truth to be suppressed? I only tell you what cannot be denied. Tell me that it isn't true that they didn't want you at the bar with them because you would be a buzz kill. Tell me that it isn't true that they don't want you. Tell me that it isn't true that they don't care about you.'

"Just…be quiet!" Regaining control of his mind, he found the small chunk of black tar and placed it on the bottom of the soda can. Grabbing a bottle of water, he poured a few milliliters on the spoon* and grabbed the lighter and the nail. Heating the bottom of the spoon and stirring until the mixture was dissolved and smoothed, he placed a small piece of cotton on the scrap metal. Sucking up the heroin into the syringe through the cotton, he almost felt relief. Almost.

It wasn't until he'd injected the smack into his vein that he really felt at peace. And then he felt everything else, too. He could feel his mind working, he could feel his soul tripping along the H-train, lower and lower, low enough to send him straight into oblivion, the hole that he'd been searching for within himself that brought such euphoria was found. He could feel it all, so glorified.

He could only hear snippets of the voice whispering in his mind, but it was calming, like his brother's when he had actually cared for Iceland. 'That's okay, you did it, you can always do it, this is what's right, falling so nicely is what gets you happy, anything for your happiness…'

Right now, Iceland couldn't even think about the events of earlier, when his so-called 'family' had rejected him again, even when he had said that he felt lonely. Even when he told them that his mind was eating him from the inside out. They just chuckled, thinking he was trying to be funny, trying to gain attention, not really knowing that he was alone in the world in the most literal sense. They simply walked out the door, telling him not to get into too much trouble while they had fun losing themselves on the dance floor in a mish-mash of lust and love while he lost himself in a world of syringes and track marks that dotted his arms like a grotesque piece of art. Their ignorance had led him to the monster yet again - and if they had ever noticed any of his rather blatant signs of drug abuse, then they hadn't cared.

He knew that later, in a matter of hours, he would come crashing back to the surface, reality would be a reality again, and he would have to face the painful loneliness with the harsh voice again, but right now – right now, he felt alive because he was falling down.

* A spoon is a druggie term for the bottom of a soda can. It's used to heat up heroin.

AN: So, instead of redoing my 'Addict' story, I deleted it (because it was total crap), and just replaced it with this.

Er, these are the songs that I listened to while writing this:

I Come Alive - The Used (this song is what gave this fic the title, and made me write the fic in the first place)

The Bird and The Worm - The Used

Louder Than Thunder - The Devil Wears Prada

You don't have to listen to them, but I would suggest it. Because, not only are they good songs, but they really go with the story.

EDIT, 3/9/12: I turned this into a multi-chapter fic of somewhat-related angsty drabbles. Yay! Have fun, and hopefully you'll continue reading.