Warnings: Full frontal nudity, swearing

I don't own Naruto, truly, and I don't want to. Playing with it is fun though. Heh.

This story fits nowhere in canon at all. It's something of an idea that occurred to me while I was working on a story, so I wrote it as it's own thing so that it didn't sneak into the other work where it wouldn't fit in the slightest. That said, I hope it amuses the reader as much as it did me while I was writing it. Enjoy!

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Escape Attempt #432

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Sakura frowned and squinted down the impossibly long hallway lined with completely identical doors. She was lost. Again. There were just too many genjutsu in the Akatsuki base, and she didn't have the chakra to dispel them.

"Damn Kisame, and damn his stupid pet sword," she muttered as she paused, swaying slightly. Chakra exhaustion always made her head swim.

Suddenly a door not far down the hall from her burst open with a crash, and an unfamiliar man with slicked-back silver hair skidded out into the hallway. He was obviously a member of the Akatsuki, with his slashed hitai-ate tied around his neck.

Sakura's gaze drifted lower.

"ACK!" She threw up a hand to block the sight. "Why are you naked?"

The man gave her an incredulous look. "Why aren't you?" He turned his head to yell back the way he'd come. "Hey, Kakuzu! Someone's buying whores with Akatsuki funds!"

"I'm not a whore!" Sakura snapped, moving her hand just slightly to better block what she didn't want to see without completely losing sight of the man in front of her, just as a very put-out voice came through the open doorway.

"Hidan, the only one who uses organization funds to purchase..." The man came through the door into the hall, only to get an eyeful of male nudity. "Where are your pants?"

The latest arrival was another man she'd never laid eyes on before, but at least he was clothed. Incredibly thoroughly too, with only a thin strip of his face and his eyes visible at all.

"Why do you care?" the silver-haired man – apparently Hidan – replied. "Someone's sneaking whores into the base again!"

"Stop calling me that!"

The clothed man's eyes flicked over Sakura. "That is obviously not a whore, it's a kunoichi infiltrating our base. Also, you are the only one who sneaks prostitutes into the base."

"Noooo, I'm not infiltrating anything, really. I was just leaving," Sakura tried. "Perhaps you could point me to the door out?"

"Ah, there you are, Little Radish!" an entirely too familiar voice came from behind her as a large hand fisted in the back of her vest and lifted her to dangle well off the floor. "Itachi, I found the bait!"

Sakura sighed, not bothering to struggle. "Hello, Kisame."

"Hidan, what the hell happened to your clothes?" Kisame's attention had apparently wandered.

"My clothes are not an issue!"

"Yes, they are," all three of the other people in the hallway answered, with varying levels of vehemence.

Itachi's voice was suddenly heard, slightly muffled, as if he were around a corner. "Kisame, did you leave her cell..."

"Oh, shit." Kisame hurled Sakura at Kakuzu – who caught her mostly on instinct – whirling to dash back the way he'd come. "No, Itachi, don't..."

"My eyes!"

Kakuzu stared down at Sakura, who was pressed very securely to his chest. "Did he call you Radish?"

"S'not my name," Sakura muttered, staring resolutely into his torso to avoid looking at... other things.

"Itachi, seriously, it's not..."

"...burning..."

"Hey, Kakuzu, why are you fondling Uchiha's bait, yeah?" Deidara suddenly appeared just inside the still-open door beside them. "He doesn't like it when anyone other than... Hidan, why the fuck am I looking at your naked ass? Did your half-witted god declare clothes were a sin, yeah?"

"Jashin is not half-witted! He is..." Hidan whirled around to face the blond man just in time for Tobi to pop up over Deidara's shoulder to see what was going on.

Tobi toppled backwards out of sight with an agonized sound, hand pressed tightly over the single eye-hole in his mask.

Meanwhile, Kakuzu and Sakura were realizing uncomfortably just how compromising their position was. Somehow in the catch, one of Kakuzu's arms had ended up wrapped around her torso pressing it tightly to his, while the other pinned one of her knees to his ribs, his hand wrapped dangerously high around her upper thigh, very nearly cupping her ass.

"... don't overreact..." Kisame soothed somewhere down the hall, while Hidan swung into full rant.

"... glory and might of Jashin..."

"I'm going to kill all of you," Sakura informed Kakuzu conversationally. "Just as soon as I escape from here and kill myself for having gotten into this in the first place."

"the filth..."

Suddenly, Kisame sprinted down the hall toward the rest of them, gathered himself, leaped over everyone's heads through the doorway, rolled to his feet on the other side, and kept going.

"What the..." Deidara poked his head out into the hall, looked past Sakura and Kakuzu, went as white as a sheet, and vanished, having performed a replacement technique with Tobi's only semi-aware body.

Hidan ranted on, back still to the direction Kisame had come from and apparently also unaware that the recipient of his diatribe had disappeared. "...fucking brilliance of every..."

"Amaterasu."

Kakuzu dropped Sakura to the floor and fled.

"Oww..." Having landed heavily on her knees, Sakura looked down the hall, only to see nothing but roiling, black, unstoppable flames coming straight at her.

So, this was how she was going to die she thought, even as she threw her arms up in a futile gesture to protect her face.

The black flames parted neatly around her, converging again behind her the way that water flowed around a rock in a stream.

Behind her, Hidan howled.

Sakura risked dropping her arms just enough to look the way the flames had come from.

Itachi stood just down the hall, staring past her and breathing heavily as his fists clenched and unclenched as his sides.

"Um..." She decided not to look in Hidan's direction at all. "Er..."

A familiar hand latched onto the back of her vest for the second time that day, lifting her up until a blue arm could wrap around her waist and throw her over an equally blue shoulder.

"Uchiha," Kisame sighed and shook his head as he carried her back down the hall toward her cell and past the still unresponsive Itachi. "Incredible prudes, the lot of them. It's a wonder how the clan managed to keep itself going for so long."

"wha..." Sakura managed.

"Don't worry, Little Radish, this is nothing," he attempted to reassure her. "You should have seen what he did when I took him to the public baths!"