A/N: Wasn't sure if I wanted to just leave it there or not, but this is how the story continues in my head so I'm going to post it. There might be a third part too but I'm not sure. Let me know what you think.

Sam lets Dean kiss him. Lets him touch him. Lets him fuck him. Sometimes he even manages to enjoy it. Or at least he enjoys that look of utter pleasure, contentedness and peace that finally makes its way onto Dean's face when he comes hard into Sam's ass. There's no more drinking. No more bruises. Dean is truly happy for the first time and Sam's the one who made it happen. It should be enough, but Sam feels guilty. He wishes that he could love Dean for real. He wishes that he didn't have to fake it. Because sure, he's a good actor, but he knows that someday this is all going to come to a head and it will crush Dean. And that will be Sam's fault. And he won't be able to fix that.

But for now he lets Dean curl around him in bed, holding him close and whispering I love yous. And Sam says it back because he means it, but not that way. And they fall asleep and Sam loses another little bit of himself to Dean.

When Sam finally breaks it's just as bad as he imagined. Dean finds him in the bathroom with a bottle of jack in one hand and a bloody razorblade in the other. He's long since stopped feeling anything, and this is his latest attempt to break free from the numbness. It doesn't work, because everything is still in a fog as Dean rushes forward to hold him, begging Sam to tell him what's the matter. Dean's kisses don't feel wrong anymore, they just don't feel period.

Sam's wrist is bleeding all over Dean's shirt and he hears himself apologizing. He wants to tell Dean he can't do it anymore but Dean's going on about how he should have been there, how he should have stopped this, how everything is his fault, and all Sam can do is fall limply into Dean's embrace and tell him this has nothing to do with him.

Sam's grown accustomed to the lie that his body is starting to believe it. And his mind just numbs everything out. For all intents and purposes, he is Dean's, fully and completely.

Sam gives some story about Mom and Jess and nightmares and Dean believes it. He strokes Sam's hair until he falls asleep, mumbling "I'm here baby" and "You're safe". And Sam doesn't dream, but then he hasn't for months.

Sam's next attempt at feeling occurs at a bad. Dean's asleep after a long hunt, passed out on the bed as soon as they got back to the motel. Sam goes out to get dinner and stops for a drink.

There's a girl. She looks a little like Jess. Blonde hair, pouty lips, big boobs. They fuck in the bathroom. Sam slams her up against the wall. But he's only half hard and he ends up leaving her there, neither of them satisfied.

He downs a double at the bar and heads home to Dean who's thankfully still asleep. Sam crashes down on the opposite side of the bed, dry sobs heaving through his chest. He decides then and there that this has to stop.

But when he wakes up to Dean's warm breath on his neck, Dean's hand snaked around his side, Dean's ankle linked, with his, and he can't. Numb is okay, he decides. He can be numb for Dean.