Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story. I know it has been a long time in the works, with a lot of gaps in between chapters, and is a difficult and painful subject to read about. It's a story I wanted to write for a long time, and I hope I have done the subject and the characters justice.

THE YEARNING

CHAPTER 45

NOVEMBER, 2409

The lecture hall was busy. As busy as lecture halls always were when Kathryn was giving a talk on the Delta Quadrant. Today, the subject was the Kazon, which made a change from The Borg, and after giving her presentation, Kathryn answered questions. There were a lot, some of them amusing ones that made her and the auditorium laugh, and Kathryn answered as many as time allowed. Then, when the lecture was over, she left the stage to the usual applause and was welcomed in the wings by colleagues and VIP's that had come to hear her speak. Her public lectures were always quite the event and were broadcast all over the Federation. Kathryn politely greeted all those that wanted to meet her or speak with her, and then she left with Admiral Clare James for the admirals' lounge. The auditorium was still emptying, and as they made their way to the speaker's exit, Kathryn saw a student of hers in the crowd. The girl's name was Alison Riley and she was a very gifted astrophysicist. Lately, however, her work had been below par and she had missed several classes. Leaving her colleague momentarily, Kathryn pushed her way through the throng and approached the girl.

"Alison," she said. "It's good to see you here."

The thin girl with long brown hair and blue eyes, turned to her slowly and was clearly uncomfortable at having been singled out.

"Admiral," she replied. "Thank you. It was...it was a great lecture."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. But it isn't the lecture I want to talk to you about." Gently, she put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "Is everything alright, Alison? You've been missing a lot of classes lately and your work, which has always been brilliant, has been lacking your stellar quality."

Tears welled in the girl's eyes, but with great effort she blinked them back. "I'm fine, Admiral. I've just...I've just been finding this last module difficult. But I'll do my best to improve my work."

"I find it hard to believe someone who won the Jezora Prize in quantum mechanics finds core theory difficult."

"Well, I do. Now, please excuse me, Admiral, I've got another lecture to attend."

With that, the girl turned away, but Kathryn caught her arm.

"My door is always open, Alison. If you want to talk, about anything at all, you know where I am."

Alison gave a nod and then disappeared into the crowd.

That afternoon, alone in her office, Kathryn took a much needed break from marking essays to replicate herself a coffee. Her neck was stiff, her back too, and she rubbed both while she waited for her favorite beverage to materialize. It did so, steaming into the air as always, and she sat on a nearby sofa to enjoy it. Outside, rain was beating against the window, falling from a gray sky just as it had for weeks, and the persistent wet weather over San Francisco reminded her of that summer of long ago when it had rained constantly. It wasn't summer now, though. Now it was autumn. The days and nights were getting longer and winter was only a few days away.

Winter.

Life truly was like the seasons. First there was spring, a time of youth and of growing; then there was summer, a time of full prime; then there was autumn, a time of maturity; and then there was winter, a time of decline. At 75, she was now in her winter years, and the aches and pains of aging constantly reminded her, but she was happier than she had ever been in her prime. Long gone was the heartache that had haunted the summer of her life. Now it was just a distant memory. The last thirty years had been wonderful. While there had been ups and down, highs and lows, she and Chakotay had been very happy together and had loved every moment of raising their son. He was 28 now, a ground working Starfleet Officer, and lived with his wife on a ranch close to Goyevar Lodge. They had a beautiful four year old daughter, called Briony, and she was the apple of all their eyes.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Regretfully, Kathryn put down her coffee and got to her feet.

"Come in!"

The door slid open and Alison came in. The pretty cadet was in uniform, a bag over her shoulder, and she looked like she had been crying.

"Hi, Alison," Kathryn said kindly. "Please, take a seat."

For a long moment Alison didn't move, she just stood where she was, but then she slowly crossed the room and sat were Kathryn was gesturing.

"I...I'm sorry to bother you," she said quietly, "but you said that if..."

Kathryn helped her out. "If you wanted to talk, my door is always open."

The young girl nodded.

"And it is," Kathryn said. She then addressed the computer. "Computer, change my status to unavailable."

The Computer instantly responded. "Status changed."

"Now, tell me what's wrong."

Tears flooded Alison's eyes and then... and then she was crying.

Slowly, Kathryn closed the gap between them and put her arm around the girl. "What ever it is, you can tell me."

"I can't," she wept. "I thought I could, but I can't. I can't tell anyone."

As the girl wept, each sob more painful than the last, Kathryn felt a sinking feeling inside. In this cadet it was so easy to see another cadet, a cadet who had also missed classes and submitted substandard work, a cadet whose life had been shattered by the violence of a man. With her whole heart, Kathryn hoped she was wrong, that it was something else that was causing this hurt, but every instinct told her otherwise.

"But you want to tell me, don't you?" she said.

Alison nodded.

"But you can't say the words."

At this, the girl froze, and then she tearfully looked up, her eyes searching Kathryn's with a painful desperation. Gently, Kathryn brushed a stray strand of hair away from the girl's face.

"I understand," she said, "because if what I'm thinking is right, I've been..."

But before she could finish her sentence, Alison broke away and got to her feet.

"I'm sorry, Admiral," she said, "but I shouldn't have come. My life is my problem and...Goodbye, Admiral."

With that, she hurried over to the door. As she did, Kathryn called out.

"Alison!"

Instinctively, the girl stopped, but she did not turn around.

"I'm giving a talk tomorrow evening to a support society for women hurt by men. The society is called Healing the Hurt and the meeting will be in The Palladome, Chicago, at 18:00 hours. Anyone is welcome to attend."

For the longest time, Alison did and said nothing, then she walked away and the door closed behind her.

The following evening, smartly dressed in a red outfit with her silver hair in a bun, Kathryn talked to a gathering of people in one of The Palladome's more intimate meeting rooms. There were about seventy people in all, most of them women, and they were seated in rows before the meeting's leaders and guest speakers. Kathryn was to speak last, and as she took to the lectern, she scoured the room to see if Alison was amongst the audience. However, if the girl was present, it was impossible to find her amongst the sea of faces. Giving up the search, Kathryn took a sip of water to lubricate her dry mouth, and then she spoke to the audience.

"First," she said, "let me say what an honor it is to be here. I was very glad to receive this invitation and I hope that what I have to say offers comfort in some way. Most of you know that once, a long time ago, I got a ship called Voyager home from the Delta Quadrant, but what some of you might not know is that as a first year cadet at The Academy I was raped by my boyfriend. It isn't something I talk about a lot, and for many years I didn't make my story public as I wasn't ready to share it, but when I did go public, I did so for one reason only, and that was to offer hope to those suffering. We don't like to talk about rape. Many of us, because we've experienced it, others because they don't want to think about it. So we don't talk about it. And because no one talks about it, those of us who have been through it can feel very alone. That is what I felt for the longest time, alone. We live in a society were sex is constantly in our faces, where the assumption is that everyone is having it, and I didn't think that anyone would ever be able to understand my pain. After the rape, I didn't want to think about sex. The very thought of it made me feel sick. My only experience of it had been so horrific that I couldn't imagine it ever being anything else. Not everyone feels that way, reactions differ, but that's how I felt. I was eighteen at the time of the assault and still a virgin. I distanced myself from men, cut my hair and wore baggy clothes to make myself less attractive, and I threw myself into my work. It was an escape for me, a place of refuge from a world that I struggled to belong in.

In my career I've been awarded many medals, some for bravery, but the truth is I'm not as brave as many of you in this room. I never had the courage to report the man who raped me. I couldn't face it. I couldn't face everyone knowing or the legal proceedings that would follow. I just wanted the pain to go away. But it never went away, and the more I denied it, the stronger its power over me became. I should have told someone and sought the help that many of you are seeking, but I didn't. I kept it all to myself. I didn't even tell my boyfriend when, eventually, I fell in love again. I thought that if I didn't tell him it wouldn't have to be real, that it wouldn't have to touch our relationship. But it did. The night we tried to make love, I had a flashback. My boyfriend guessed why and was very understanding and supportive. We resolved to face up to my past, and to get the counseling we needed, but before we could, my boyfriend was killed in a shuttle crash. After this, my life spiraled out of control. I didn't care about anything anymore, not even my work that had always been my haven, and I started drinking and sleeping around. It started when a friend set me up on a date, thinking it would help me to start living again, but I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the guy. The next morning I felt euphoric, like I'd beaten all my demons and was normal, and I wanted to keep on feeling normal, so I kept on drinking and sleeping with guys. But I knew deep down inside that I wasn't normal, that normal women didn't need to be drunk to have sex. Always I was drunk and always the guy was a stranger.

All this did nothing to help me. In fact, it only made my problems a thousand times worse. After ten years of living that way, I found it almost impossible to have a serious relationship. I wanted to, as I wanted to marry and have children, and in the hope of achieving that I tried to turn my life around. I stopped getting drunk and picking up men and got romantically involved with a close friend. But even though I loved him, I couldn't tell him about the rape and I couldn't sleep with him. For almost a year we were together, but for most of that year I was away. Little time did we actually spend together. I was very confused about sex by this point. I'd had it so many times that I wasn't scared of it, not of the physical act, but at the same time I was terrified. Mostly of having another flashback. When my boyfriend started to ask for sex, I would make my excuses, but I'd finally got to the point where I knew I had to get help. And that's what I planned to do. I planned to tell him about the assault and to get counseling. But once again fate intervened and my life went in a completely different direction, this time in the direction of the Delta Quadrant.

I could talk about how I felt about our stranding, about the responsibility on my shoulders and the loneliness of command, but while there were difficult times in the Delta Quadrant, those years were some of the best of my life. I met people who became very special to me and developed friendships that are still going strong. I also had what some might say a third chance with Chakotay, my Maquis First Officer. Our paths had crossed in the past, more than once, but because of my issues I had pushed him away. He didn't remember that we'd met, as he'd suffered severe head trauma in an accident a few years before, but our past acquaintance was one of the main reasons I volunteered to capture him and his crew. Over the seven years we were on Voyager, I fell in love with him, even though I wasn't supposed to as his captain, and he fell in love with me. We confessed our feelings, but not only did I now have my past to contend with but also the command structure. Even though my reason told me that a relationship between us would be acceptable in our circumstances, even mutually beneficial, the officer in me believed that it was wrong. And, indeed, many would maintain that it would have been wrong. But, right or wrong, I did try to have a relationship with him. At that time it seemed the right thing to do. We loved each other, very much, and were a long way from home. But again I made the mistake of not telling him about my past, which resulted in another flashback when we began to make love. Chakotay believed the command structure was the problem, and I let him believe it as I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. We decided to keep things platonic, even though it wasn't easy for either of us, and we didn't get together again until we were home.

We often say that things are meant to be, that everything happens for a reason, and as I look back over my life, it certainly seems to me that Chakotay and I were meant to be. A psychic even told me that once, told me that in him I would find the love and peace I craved. And she was right. For the last forty years he has been my closest companion, the person I have relied on the most, and for the last thirty years has been the best husband any woman could have. But because I wasn't honest with him about my past, I almost lost him. For over a year I did. Our lives went in different directions and, if he hadn't of remembered our past acquaintance and what it meant for our relationship, we might never have got together. But we did get together and have been together ever since. Luckily, I'd already started to have counseling by this point, as I'd finally done what I should have done all those years ago and got help, and that made things easier. But even though I loved him with all my heart, intimacy was very difficult for us in the beginning. For some, sitting on a man's lap is hard, because that's where the abuse took place, but for me it was the missionary position. But, you know, Chakotay said I'd always been on top in the briefing room so why not in the bedroom?"

As she raised a teasing eyebrow, the listeners laughed.

"But no, he never said that. He was very understanding and patient. In fact, it took a lot of understanding and patience on his part to get us through that time. Some people might not understand this, as they think love is an instant fix, but it isn't always. Sometimes it's more of a long term cure. It can take time to build up intimacy, to learn to connect your mind to the experience, and to be ready for intercourse. That was my biggest problem, connecting my mind to the experience. For so many years I'd made my mind drunk so I wouldn't be present. I've always been a person that likes to be in control, and relinquishing that control, even with someone I loved, was hard for me. But with Chakotay, I came to realize that I was still in control even when I relinquished it.

Some of you might think that you'll never find a man who will understand your pain and be loving and patient. I certainly felt that way. But such men are out there. They might not be easy to find, and it does take a special kind of person, but they are out there. Men like my husband that love unselfishly. For weeks he put my needs above his own, something he'd always done on Voyager, and it wasn't until after we were married that I was actually ready to consummate our relationship. He has always been a very handsome man, and could have had any woman he wanted, but he wanted me. Wanted me with all my flaws and baggage. The first time we made love was one of the greatest moments of my life and I know it was for him too. I'd always been afraid of what intimacy meant in a relationship, afraid of the balance between pleasure and love, and I didn't think I would ever be the passionate woman I wanted to be. But a dear friend once told me not to look that far, to live only for the moment, and she was right. Chakotay and I went on to have a wonderful sex life. So that is my advice to you, not to look that far. If we try, our fears and feelings distort what we see. What I thought was so complicated and ugly turned out to be quite simple and beautiful. The same wise friend also said that while a wound may scar it stops bleeding. And that was also true for me. It was a long time before I stopped hurting inside, longer perhaps that most of you here, but the pain did ease eventually and I lived the life l could once only have dreamt of. At 46 I had a surprise present in the shape of a baby boy...not something one expects at 46...but he was without a doubt the greatest gift of my life. He's all grown up now, which tells you how old I am, and has a beautiful little girl that lights up all our lives with her joy and energy.

I used to say that the rape destroyed my life, but I don't say that anymore. It didn't destroy my life. I've had a wonderful life. I've known the love of a good man and have a family that I love very much and am very proud of. Now I say the rape changed me. It changed me forever. I was never again the woman I had been before. I couldn't be. He'd taken something very special from me and a part of me died forever that night. But while my life was in pieces, it wasn't destroyed. With the love of my husband, and the support of my best friend and counselor, I was able to pick up the pieces and fix them together. Now, with their reinforcements, the whole is stronger than ever. I've been lucky, and I know some are not so lucky, but if I hadn't made the decision to turn my life around and get the help I needed, then my life might be a different story today.

I'm probably the last person who should talk about accepting the past for what it is, as I'm sure most of you know how we got Voyager home, but I've learnt in my life that if we accept our past for what it is then we find peace in the present. I wouldn't wish what I've suffered on anyone, but if there's anything good to have come out of what I went through, it's the inner strength I now have and the ability to understand the pain of others. I wouldn't change my past because it's made me the person that I am today. It made me the captain that Voyager needed and it made me a more compassionate and understanding person. It was a hefty price to pay, but if my experience helps just one other person, then my suffering hasn't been in vain. To heal, we need to make peace with our past, but we won't find peace if we keep asking why us. I did ask that at first. Why me? What had I done to deserve the pain? But now I ask why not me? Why am I so special that this darkness that touches so many lives wouldn't touch mine? It can touch any of us, at any time, either directly by happening to ourselves or to someone we love. And I know that's why some of you are here, because someone you love has suffered a sexual or physical assault and you want to learn more so you can help them. Just by being here, and by being there for them, you're helping them.

I have no doubt that some of you are feeling ashamed of your pain. I did for a long time. I felt that I had no right to hurt so much from one assault when some people have suffered years of sexual and physical abuse, even torture and gang rapes. I was ashamed that my life was in pieces but theirs seemed to be whole. But my message to you is to not feel ashamed. Any assault, whether it is physical, sexual, or mental, hurts us and we have a right to feel that hurt. Denying the pain won't help. It just buries it deep inside us in a place we can't reach. We all respond to things differently, and how we respond depends on so many things from our personalities to our life circumstances. None of us can ever know what it's like to be someone else, even with all the mind melding techniques and technologies available today, because qualia...the individual experience that is unique to every one of us...is something that we just can't share. All we can do is accept how we feel, share our pain, and try to understand the pain of others. It's never too late to turn our lives around. Never too late to seek support. In some ways, I guess that's preaching to the converted, as most of you here have already sought the support of this wonderful society, but for those of you that might not yet have told someone, and are suffering all alone, there are people who can help. People who will listen and not judge. Every life is precious, and every person is worthy of being loved. For a long time I didn't think that anyone could love me, not the me inside, and I felt broken and dirty. Even in the early days of my relationship with Chakotay I felt that. I constantly needed reassurance from him that he loved me for me and not for sex. But we are all special, all valuable, and the healing process can start just by realizing that.

Thank you again for inviting me here today, and thank you for listening to what I have to say. Like our other guest speakers, I will be participating in the questions and answers session a little later, and I hope you feel free to ask any questions you may have. Thank you and my best wishes to you all."

With that, Kathryn ended her talk and stepped down from the stage. The audience clapped, a token of their respect and regard, and Kathryn took her seat in the front row again. As she did, she had one last look around for Alison, but all she could see was the faces of strangers.

The morning, at last, was sunny and bright. In her office, Kathryn tried to concentrate on the reports at hand, but all she could think about was Alison. She could not get the young girl's pain out of her mind and it troubled her greatly. If her instinct was right, and Alison was going through what she had gone through all those years before, then what she did or didn't do now could change that young girl's life forever. If Alison got the help and support that she needed now, then maybe, just maybe, it would save her from years of heartache. Years that would twist and deform the hurt inside her into a soul consuming monster.

But what could be done? How could she reach Alison? How could she get her to open up? This first attempt had clearly failed. If the girl had attended the talk, it had done no good. At least, not to her knowledge. Perhaps it had inspired her to get in touch with someone. After all, there were people less intimidating to approach than a Federation famous admiral who was one of the most decorated officers in Starfleet history. Perhaps the girl had spoken to someone at the event and had been referred to a counselor. But if she hadn't, if she hadn't attended the talk, then some other way would have to be found of reaching her. One thing was for sure, something had to be done. There was no way she could stand by and let another suffer the way she had.

Then, unexpectedly, the door chime played. Kathryn put down the report she was holding, though not reading, and called out.

"Come in!"

The door slid open and Alison came in. The pale girl was out of uniform, wearing instead a black outfit beneath a denim jacket, and her long hair was pulled back plainly from her face.

"Alison," Kathryn said, getting to her feet. "I'm glad you're here."

"I...I went to the talk you mentioned," Alison told her, "and..."

Kathryn closed the gap between them. "And...?"

Tears flooded the girl's eyes. "What you said happened to you...your boyfriend at The Academy...it...it happened to me."

And then...

And then Alison broke down and wept.

Gently, Kathryn gathered the girl in her arms, fighting tears herself.

"I'm so sorry, Alison," she said. "I'm so deeply sorry."

For the longest time, Alison clung to her, heartbreaking sobs racking her thin body, and then she spoke.

"I said no," she wept, "I did, I know, but he... Now I just want to die."

"I understand," Kathryn said. "I felt that way too. But everything's going to be ok, I promise. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. The blame and the shame are all his."

"But I feel like I'm to blame," Alison sobbed. "I feel like...like in some way it's my fault or that I deserved it."

"Never. Never think that for a second. What he did was a crime. You're in no way to blame."

"But how can I report him? His father is an admiral and...and what you said...about not being able to face it...neither can I."

Kathryn gently drew the girl away. "You don't have to decide on that right now. I could lie to you, and say that reporting the guy would lead to a conviction, but all too often it doesn't. What matters is getting the support you need."

"But I'm not strong enough too. I...I'm not strong."

Kathryn put her hand to the girl's cheek.

"You are, Alison. And if you're not, lean on me. I made the mistake of keeping my pain all to myself, of not telling anyone and bottling it all up, and it almost destroyed me. But my past doesn't have to be your future. You can make a better one right here, right now. You owe it to yourself and I owe it to you. So we'll deal with this together and we'll come out stronger on the other side. I won't let you face this alone."

Hope filled the girl's wet eyes. "Really? You'll help me?"

"Every step of the way."

Alison smiled through tears and then hugged Kathryn again.

The November night was unusually warm. Standing on the verandah of Goyevar Lodge, only a cardigan over the red dress she was wearing, Kathryn looked out at the sea. The moon was full, casting a silver light over the bay, and the waves were gently lapping the shore. It was a sight that soothed her soul, just had it had many times over the years, and filled her heavy heart with peace. Tonight was not a night to be sad. Tonight was a special night. The night of her thirtieth wedding anniversary to Chakotay. It was on this night, all those years ago, that they had pledged their lives to each other, and it was a night that would forever be cherished in their hearts.

Suddenly, there were footsteps behind her and then Chakotay appeared. He was wearing a black sweater over black pants and, like her, his hair was now silver. Slowly, he closed the gap between them, and then he put his hand on her shoulder.

"Is everything ok, Kathryn? You've been quiet since I got back."

For the past two weeks he'd been attending a conference on Regis Prime and had only returned that afternoon, a day later than planned due to the resheduling of several lectures.

"I'm fine, honey," Kathryn said, turning to him. "I just...well, tonight isn't the night to talk about it. No doubt my dear sister, and our darling son, have planned something extravagant for us, despite me telling them we wanted to celebrate alone."

"They have," he confirmed. "Kye just called. We can expect a beam out in approximately an hour."

"I knew it! I just hope it's not a party in a plush restaurant somewhere. I really wanted an intimate occasion."

"Me too. But he told us to dress casual, so it can't be too formal."

Kathryn smiled. "Then I guess there's hope."

"I guess there is." He then took Kathryn's hands in his. "But what's bothering you? Did something happen while I was away? I know we don't have time for a heart to heart, but I'd really like to know."

Kathryn hesitated, but then decided to tell him. If she didn't, he would only worry all night.

"I had a visit the other day from one of my students," she began. "I've been concerned about her for some time, as she's been missing a lot of classes and submitting substandard work, and I told her to come to me if anything was troubling her. Well, she came and...and the short of it is that what happened to me...Neal...happened to her."

"I see," Chakotay said. "I'm sorry."

"Me too. She didn't tell me right away, she couldn't, but I guessed. I invited her to attend the talk I was giving the other night and it moved her to open up." She paused. "I've arranged counselling for her, and today I went with her to make an official report of the assault. After taking some time to think about it she decided that she wanted to. I thought we'd have a battle on our hands, as getting a conviction can be difficult and the father of the cadet responsible is a very influential admiral, but while being questioned later he admitted the charge." Tears filled her eyes. "But while this spares Alison...the girl...the ordeal of a trial, it won't undo the hurt. Nothing will ever do that. I just hope that I can make a difference. That I can help her to put the pieces of her life back together. I don't want her to suffer the way I did."

Chakotay squeezed her hands. "It sounds to me like you already have made a difference. A profound one. And no doubt your talk the other night made a difference to others too."

"I'd like to think so." A tear ran down her cheek. "I wanted to be wrong about Alison, you know? I wanted her problem to be something else, anything else. But it wasn't something else and...and seeing her so upset...listening to what she had to say...it kind of brought everything back to me. Reminded me of the girl I used to be. The woman I still would be if it wasn't for you."

"That isn't true, Kathryn. I was just a support. You did the hard work."

"It is true, Chakotay. Without your love, your patience and understanding, I don't know what would have become of me. You stayed by my side when many would have walked away and you showed me how to love and trust again. I have never forgotten that and every day I'm thankful for it. We've had a wonderful life together, made a wonderful family, and that's all because you loved me. Loved me when I couldn't love myself. On Voyager you kept me safe, even before, and all the pain I went through is just a memory now. One that doesn't hurt me anymore. The woman I was, and the woman I am, they're two different people. Forever bound as one, but different. When we make love now, it's hard to remember why it was once so hard for me. I don't even try to remember." Another tear escaped her eye. "I just hope that Alison finds a man as wonderful as you."

Chakotay tenderly brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I'm the lucky one, Kathryn. I once told you that loving you, and being intimate with you, could only ever be a privilege, and that's what it has been. A privilege. The greatest of my life."

Tearfully, Kathryn drew him close and held him tight. "I love you so much."

Chakotay kissed her hair and held her in return. "I love you too."

"And I truly am fine. This is a special night and I'm really looking forward to it. Even if we end up in a plush restaurant, I don't care. All that matters is that we celebrate together."

Chakotay smiled and gently drew her away. "I'll remind you of that when we get ambushed for autographs."

Kathryn laughed. "Well, maybe we won't. Maybe the conspirators have hired a yacht or have booked a private hall somewhere."

"I guess we'll find out soon enough."

"I guess. But we'd better get ready. What do you say? A white suit for you and a white dress for me? That is the traditional color of pearl."

Chakotay smiled. "Sounds good."

"Then let's get ourselves showered and changed. And quickly. We don't want to be beamed out in the nuddy."

"No," Chakotay laughed. "But I don't know who it would be worse on...us or them."

"Definitely them," she said, taking his arm, "they'd have nightmares for years!"

"Are we that much out of shape?"

"In young eyes, darling, I think we are."

Chakotay laughed again and then they left the verandah.

By the time the transport came, Kathryn and Chakotay were ready for their beam out. Chakotay looked handsome in a suit of white, a silver shirt beneath, and Kathryn beautiful in a figure-hugging white velvet dress and matching jacket. In her bunned hair was a white rose, a gift from Chakotay, and around her neck was the beloved shell necklace he had made her. When they materialized at their surprise location, Kathryn truly expected it to be a plush restaurant, but to her delight they were somewhere else. Somewhere that was very special. Their beloved cave. Above them lights were glittering, just as they had on their wedding day, and around them were dozens of pink and white roses. To their right was a long buffet table, beautifully decorated with white lace, flowers and candles, and above it was a stylish banner reading Happy 30th Anniversary Kathryn and Chakotay. To their left, standing outside the cave on the sand, was their family and friends and they were all cheering. Amongst the small crowd was Phoebe and Azryn, now an architect; Holly and her two daughters, Katie and Sadie; Tom, B'Elanna and Miral; Tuvok and his grandson, Jedix; Seven and Zak; Naomi Wildman and her daughter, Sabrina; Harry and his third wife, Casey; The Doctor and his new wife, Lana; Aunt Martha, who at 106 was seated in a hoverchair; and their own son, Malakye, with his wife, Gemma, and daughter, Briony. The pretty little girl was wearing a white cardigan over a blue dress, and she had her grandfather's coloring but her grandmother's looks. Her black hair, long and silky, was loose over her shoulders and fell in a wild fringe above her blue eyes. In her hands was a bunch of red roses and, with a smile, she presented it to them.

"Happy anniversary, grandma and grandpa."

Kathryn took the flowers and kissed the child's cheek. "Thank you, my darling. Aren't they beautiful?"

"And real, grandma, not replicated. Daddy and me got them today in a big garden in Florida."

Kathryn smiled. "Then that makes them all the more special."

Malakye stepped forward now and embraced his parents. Like his father, he was tall and handsome, and on his temple was the same tattoo. "Happy Anniversary, folks."

"Thank you," Kathryn said, hugging him as best as she could with the flowers. "And what a surprise this is! We thought you were sending us to some fancy restaurant for sure!"

Phoebe, now having bobbed silver hair, spoke. "Oh, we can do better than that, sis."

"So I can see." On the rocks, out of harms way, were lots of tiny lamp lights that not only lit up the beach but warmed the autumn air. "And I'm impressed and delighted."

The Doctor, never one to be silent long, spoke now. "As are we to be here. Of course, I could think of a thousand other places I would rather celebrate, a hole in a rock is still to me just a hole in a rock, but as it means so much to you two, I'm thrilled to be a part of this happy family. And, while we're all here, let me introduce you to my beautiful new wife, Lana."

The attractive blonde woman smiled at the crowd. "Hello, every one."

Tom held out his hand to her. "Welcome to the family, Lana. There's no getting out now."

"I don't know about that," Harry laughed. "What number wife is this now, Doc? Nine or ten?"

"Number eight," he answered, somewhat embarrassed. "Can I help it if my eternal youth is a marriage-killer? And you're no one to talk, Harry Kim. You're on number three. But this time, it really is forever. In fact, I'd say this party could be ours in thirty years time, but the reality is most of you will have bitten the dust by then. I, on the other hand, won't look a day older."

"If you don't quit with the ego, Doctor," B'Elanna said, "you won't be here in thirty minutes time as I'll decompile your program."

"No need to get hostile," he replied. "I'm simply stating facts."

B'Elanna opened her mouth to speak, but Tom got in first, addressing the crowd. "I could make a speech," he said, "about how long I've known Kathryn and Chakotay, and what a wonderful couple they are, but as I'm sure you'd all much rather get stuck into the feast that Phoebe, Kye and Gemma have made for us all, I'll say only congratulations and well done. As someone who's been married even longer, I know it's a knockout game. So happy anniversary, admiral and admiral. May there be many more."

"There won't be for us," B'Elanna teased, "if you don't watch it."

The Doctor smiled. "Looks like I'm not the only one in the dog-house. But to all you said, Tom, I say amen. I hope our favorite admirals have many more happy years together."

"Thank you," Kathryn said, "and thank you all for coming. It means a lot to us to have you here. I know there are grander places we could celebrate, but there is no where on Earth more special to me and Chakotay. It was here, thirty years ago this very night, that we promised our lives to each other, and it was here almost two years later that our son was born. This place holds a lot of memories for us, all of them happy, and I'm glad that tonight we can make another special one. Now, unless Chakotay wants to say a few words, I suggest we get out the champagne and get eating."

"All I want to say," Chakotay said, his arm around Kathryn, "is that the last thirty years have been the happiest of my life. My mother always used to say that a man alone is only half of a whole, but until I met Kathryn I didn't understand what she meant. Kathryn is in every way my other half and I love her now even more than I did thirty years ago. Together we've raised a son that I'm very proud of, and we have an amazing granddaughter. I'm a very lucky man and I thank the gods that when they matched my heart to another's, they matched it to Kathryn's. She's the love of my life and I will love her for the rest of it."

At this, Kathryn tearfully put her hand to his cheek. "As I will you, darling." Then, to the applause of the crowd, she kissed him.

"Now can we eat?" Tom said.

"Yes," Kathryn laughed, "now we can eat."

Tom grinned and then went, as did several others, into the cave. As the grotto wasn't big enough to hold everyone, a few stayed outside to personally congratulate Kathryn and Chakotay. Amongst them was Holly, who looked well for her age, and she embraced her old friend.

"Congratulations, Kath."

"Thanks, Holl. I'm so glad you're here." She then turned to Katie, who looked a lot like her mother. "And you, Katie."

Katie smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for anything. Congratulations."

"Thank you. And congratulations to you too. Your Mom tells me you've just got engaged."

"I have. We're getting married in the spring, in a villa in Austria, and I hope you and Chakotay will come."

"Of course we will. To quote a certain person, I wouldn't miss it for anything."

Azryn approached now. Unlike Malakye, he did not have a temple tattoo, but he was just as tall and handsome. In 2393, The Doctor had found a cure for his condition, so he was now treatment free. Beside him was Sadie, the youngest of Holly's daughters that was now his wife, and Kathryn and Holly often joked about what that made them. Sadie was a pretty woman, with long blonde hair, and was visibly pregnant.

"Congratulations, Aunt and Uncle," Azryn smiled.

Chakotay, now having finished talking to B'Elanna, replied. "Thanks, Azryn."

"How's the bump doing?" Kathryn asked Sadie. "You sure are big. Is there definitely only one in there?"

"Definitely," Sadie smiled. "Unless there's a twin hiding behind some invisible shield. I just hope she's not going to be twelve pounds or I'll never push her out. But we've finally decided on a name and you'll all love it. It's Holpheka. You know, Holly, Phoebe and Kathryn shortened and stuck together."

"We get it," Kathryn smiled, "and I certainly love it."

"Took us ages to come up with," Sadie went on, "as we wanted something that sounded like a name but also sounded Native American. This is perfect as phonetically it means precious one in the ancient language of Azryn's people. To us, she's certainly that."

"And to all of us," Kathryn said. "And I'm deeply honored to be honored in her name."

Briony spoke now, tugging at Kathryn's jacket as she did. "Grandma, Grandma..."

Kathryn turned to the child. "Yes, darling."

"Aunt Martha would like me to dance for everyone. Will you dance with me? We can dance your favorite dance."

"I'm afraid Grandma can't really dance in this dress," Kathryn answered, "it's very tight. But it would make my night if you danced that dance especially for us."

Briony beamed a smile, cute dimples in her rosy cheeks. "Then I will, Grandma."

Kathryn put her hand to the child's cheek, and then Briony hurried into the cave. Moments later, Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy began to play and Briony started to dance. Across the sand she swept, gliding and twirling in time to the music, and everyone stopped what they were doing to watch. The child was a gifted dancer, natural and graceful, and was the star of her ballet class. As she danced, Kathryn leant into Chakotay and he wrapped his arm around her with a kiss. The music always reminded them of that first dance of long ago, and as his beloved granddaughter moved across the sand, her black hair blowing in the breeze, it was her grandmother that Chakotay momentarily saw. That beautiful young woman with black hair and blue eyes who had danced before him and stolen his heart. And, as they watched their granddaughter dance, Chakotay knew that Kathryn thought of her too.

When the celebrations were over, and the guests had left, Malakye and Azryn cleared up while Kathryn and Chakotay said goodbye to Phoebe and Aunt Martha. Sadie had already left, leaving earlier with her mother and sister, and Gemma and Briony had gone home too.

"I know it's too much to hope for that I'll be around for the ruby," Aunt Martha said as she climbed back into her hoverchair, "but as sure as birds can fly there will be one. So, when I've popped my clogs and am six feet under, open a bottle of bubbly and say congrats from me."

Phoebe smiled. "You can never pop your clogs, Aunt Martha. You don't wear them."

The old lady laughed. "Then I'd better start or I just might live forever."

Kathryn kissed her aunt's cheek. "I hope you do, Aunt Martha."

"Well, the doctor says there's still a few years left in this old ticker so I'm not going anywhere just yet."

"Only home," Phoebe teased.

"Only home," Aunt Martha laughed.

The two women then said their final goodbyes and beamed out. When they were gone, Malakye and Azryn cleared away the lamplights, plunging the beach into darkness, and then said goodbye themselves. Kathryn and Chakotay embraced them both, thanked them for all they had done, and then watched as the two cousins, who were more like brothers, dematerialized. Then Kathyrn and Chakotay were alone. Alone outside their cave. Without the lamplights, the air quickly got cold, so arm in arm they retreated into the cave. It was empty now, empty except for the cupboard, and was lit only by the spotlights embedded in the rock.

"At last we're alone," Kathryn said, turning to Chakotay. "Alone in the place I know we both want to be tonight."

"Yes," he answered. He then reached into a pocket and pulled out a white velvet box. "Which means it's time for me to give you this."

Every year, on the night of their anniversary, they would come to the cave and exchange gifts. Sometimes they would stay the night, sometimes they would only stay for a little while, but always they would come.

Gratefully, Kathryn took the box and opened it. Inside, nestled in silver satin, was a glittering bracelet. It had two rows of shimmering rainbow beads and a stunning silver heart clasp that was studded with diamonds.

"The beads are mother of pearl," Chakotay told her. "I had them made from abalone shells I collected on this beach. There are thirty in all."

Kathryn touched the bracelet reverently. "It's beautiful, Chakotay. Thank you." She then looked up at him with a smile. "But you're not going to believe what I've got for you." Carefully, she reached into a jacket pocket, pulled out a glittering silver pouch, and presented it to him. "Happy anniversary."

Chakotay took the pouch, opened it, and into his palm fell two beautiful mother of pearl cufflinks.

"They're made of abalone shell too," Kathryn went on. "Knowing how you feel about real pearls, but not wanting to give you replicated, I collected the shells too and had these made."

Chakotay smiled. "Then it's true what they say, great minds think alike."

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "But isn't it a good thing we weren't collecting them on the same day? That would have totally ruined the surprise."

"Totally." He then gazed deep into her eyes. "They're wonderful. Thank you."

Kathryn smiled and gazed back. "I love you, Mr Janeway."

"I love you, Mrs Chakotay."

Their lips then met in a tender kiss.

"You know," Kathryn said as they drew apart, "we haven't danced our dance yet. Shall we?"

Chakotay gave a nod. "Let's."

They then put down their gifts and wrapped their arms around each other.

"Computer," Kathryn said, "play Brahms opus 39, number 15."

As the waltz played, Kathryn and Chakotay swayed slowly to the music, and then they kissed as the piece ended.

"Let's stay tonight," Kathryn said, her eyes sparkling as they looked into his. "I know it's been a long time since we've been brave enough to, but we're not so old that we can't revive some of our young habits."

Chakotay smiled. "Not so old at all." He then addressed the computer. "Computer, activate program Anniversary KC, complete with forcefield."

Almost instantly their surroundings changed from an empty cave into a glittering grotto. White candles twinkled amidst red roses, and before them, as majestic as ever with red satin sheets and heart-shaped pillows, was their bed. Kathryn looked around in delight and, as she did, she saw there was a bottle of champagne resting in a bucket of pink ice. The bucket, which was gold, was perched on a rock and had two tall crystal glasses beside it.

"That's strange," Kathryn said, "champagne has never been there before."

Chakotay went over to the bucket and solved the mystery when he found a card on top of the ice. The card was small, silver, and had a message written on it.

"The bubbly's a gift," he said, picking up the card, "and this card reads: Dear Mom and Dad, Just for you, a vintage bottle of champagne, 2379. Enjoy on this your special night. Kye and Gemma."

"Oh, how sweet," Kathryn said, joining him at the bucket. "And look, Chakotay, the ice cubes are heart-shaped. Oh, how thoughtful."

"That's our son."

"But where would he get a vintage bottle of champagne from? I tried for Holly's ruby but, without breaking some almighty time laws, couldn't get one anywhere."

"It's probably best not to ask."

"Yes," Kathryn replied, "or even to think about. A headache is the last thing I want tonight."

Chakotay smiled and Kathryn smiled back. Then he picked up the bottle of champagne and opened it. As he did, a shower of bubbles rained down upon them and they laughed heartily. Chakotay then filled up the glasses and Kathryn raised hers in a toast.

"To us," she said. "To the years that have been, to the love and the joy they have seen, and to the years that are to come."

Chakotay held up his glass. "To us and to that."

They then knocked their glasses together and sealed their toast with a kiss.

THE END