Author's Note: This is a one shot with the Magnificent Seven. It is meant to be an amusing tale concerning gunfighters, gunfights and a bit of chaos.

Warning: The warning is placed here for vinsmouse, who wanted a spew warning here, claiming it might be a bad idea to drink while reading the funnier parts. So please keep in mind that drinking any kind of beverage while reading this, might be hazzard'ous to the health of your screen.

Disclaimer: I do not own Magnificent Seven, I do not make any money on this. If I did, I would be working my way towards owning them… No harm will ever come to them in my care, that not some of Nathan's skunk juice can't fix….

I'm Calling You Out, No, Wait, Maybe I'm Not….

The seven peace keepers had gathered in the saloon as nothing appeared to require their attention at the moment. They had been able to eat and enjoy themselves at leisure as all was quiet in town. Chris had a feeling, born from long experience, that it would not last. In spite of the fact that they were all paid a dollar a day, plus room and board to keep the peace he sometimes wondered if not his friends were the once who destroyed the peace. Perhaps not by intent, but he couldn't quite deny the facts.

At the moment they were all in the saloon, Ezra playing poker at a table, Buck cuddling up to a saloon girl. Nathan and Josiah were discussing some philosophical matter and JD stood by the bar nursing a mug of cold milk while fingering the butt of his gun. He had read another one of those dime store novels and had been talking about putting notches on his gun. Vin sat slouched in a chair, hat tipped low under his eyes and if he wasn't sleeping he hadn't moved for the last two hours or so. Then again, with Vin that wasn't much of a clue to go by.

At the moment they all looked good as gold, the poker game was a quiet and so far friendly affair, the girl actually appeared to want Buck's attention. Certainly there was nothing wrong with a discussion between friends and while he didn't always like the ideas those books put in JD's head, a man had the right to do what he wanted with his own guns. A man sleeping certainly shouldn't be able to find himself into trouble either.

It was just that he knew those boys and even when they looked like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths, that was when everything went ass-over-teakettle-to-hell-in-a-hand-basket…

He had come to know that Ezra rarely cheated, not because he couldn't but because he preferred to win by skill. The way he apparently saw it there was not much skill in cheating someone out of their money, and Ezra was vain when it came to his card playing skills. No, he would play them and win their money honestly, most of the time. Most of the time when Ezra cheated for it was not for his own gain, and that had shocked Larabee at first. Ezra would cheat if someone was trying to take advantage of someone else, if he thought someone else needed a lesson. Only a few months ago when he had played with the passengers from the stage an older man had attempted to fleece the younger passenger by slightly unfair means. He had been about to intervene when Vin quietly stopped him and pushed him down in a chair, nodding towards the table and grinning as if to say that Ezra had it in hand. Obviously he did for the would be cheater lost and his intended target won.

That was when Chris came to realize that Ezra had a strong sense of right and wrong, it was decidedly warped at times, but it was there.

Yet there were plenty of fools who believed themselves to be the best poker player this side the river boats and they refused to believe they had been beaten honestly. That would quiet often develop into some rather nasty situations.

Buck would never force himself upon a woman, and he had nothing but the utmost respect for them. He adored women, but he never could keep his sense around them and he would often get himself into a mess. Saloon girls often had many admirers, and some of those had short tempers and hair triggers…

Not only that, but there were husbands, sometimes Buck just didn't know that, other times if the girl didn't care, neither did he…

One of these days there would be some very angry men with loaded shot guns coming after Buck, and he only hoped they came one at a time and not all at once.

As reasonable and gentle as Nathan was you never though he would initiate any trouble and yet he did almost constantly with the colour of the skin. Some people never even seemed to notice that he was different, but there were plenty who thought it was a crime and simply could not forgive him for it. It was a damn shame that people were so stupid, but they were and there seemed to be no reasoning with them.

You never knew when someone new to the town would need his assistance and then would be upset once they realized he wasn't white. They would refuse his help, or they would put the blame on him for things out of his control. It was what had happened when he was nearly lynched and it would likely happen again.

There were just too many fools out in the world for it to be a safe place to be in.

Josiah, now that was a man with both baggage and temper enough to get right down dangerous at times. He was a spiritual man, but riling him was no safer than playing with dynamite in a volcano…. When he wasn't chasing his crows he was haunted by his ghosts and as he said himself he sometimes turned to the wrong kind of spirits.

He had seen Josiah when he was blind drunk, and it was not a pretty sight. The man was as big and strong as an ox, he could club a man to death with his bare hands and when drunk he could barely tell friend from enemy.

If the other man ever got cornered by his ghosts Chris could only pray no one got caught in the crossfire, for any person unlucky enough not to get out of the way would likely wind up joining the ghosts….

JD appeared mostly harmless where he stood and usually didn't go looking for trouble but he was too cocky. He refused to see that he didn't need to prove how tough or how fast he was. He thought he had to compete with them on all kinds of things. Gunplay and horsemanship. It was easy enough to rile him up to the point where he would attempt to prove anything to anyone. JD would attempt to rope the moon if someone told him he was too young to do it…

What the kid didn't seem to understand was that there were old men and bold men, but no old bold men….

One of these days he would see that, he would eventually realize that the only person he had to prove something to was himself. That the others didn't care if he backed down when the challenge wasn't worth the effort. That in truth they would respect him more for backing down when it was the better option.

JD was young, he didn't understand those things as he had led a more sheltered life so they looked out for him. They tried to shield him from the hard blows but not from the lessons and he was learning, slowly and step by step, but JD rarely made the same mistake twice and Chris had decide he was worth the effort.

He would likely grow into a fine man if the young fool didn't get himself killed first….

The man that was sleeping, or not, was the last one of them and because of the bounty on his head Chris worried a lot about him. Vin never stopped living like a hunted man, never relaxed his habit of sleeping with one eye open, but you couldn't tell by looking at him. The young man had been virtually unable to rely on another man when he first hooked up with them but he was doing it now. If he was sleeping in the chair it was only because Chris was there. At the moment he was using Chris as his one open eye, he knew Chris wouldn't let anyone take him by surprise.

Some would point out that the bounty wasn't just dangerous to Vin, it was too all of them. Anyone of them could wind up between him and a bounty hunter, could be caught in the cross fire. None of them would step aside though and none of them would let Vin leave just to keep them safe. He was a part of them and they aimed to keep him there. That didn't mean it wasn't sometimes dangerous though. The young man had led a harsh life, much too harsh for his young years. Life had treated him badly but Vin was a fighter and a very gentle nature that did not seem to mind so much. He was the kind who simply rolled with the punches but every once in a while something would happen that forced him to react.

Vin was a bit like Josiah in that manner, only calmer and more focused in his anger, more accurate but just as deadly when he lashed out.

He had just decided that the day would stay calm after all and poured himself another shot of whiskey from the bottle when Vin dropped his chair back down on all four legs. How did someone sleep with the chair tilted back on two legs in the first place?

The young tracker nodded towards the door where a young man stood and Chris shook his head when he realized he was hardly more than a kid. Not much older than JD, perhaps as old as Vin, but maybe not. There was no mistaking the look on his face though. Longing, desire and cockiness, a young man out to make a name for himself. He thought he was good and he desired to prove it. He hadn't realized what it was all about yet and he only thought about the glory he thought it would bring.

He was young, he didn't understand and if he didn't understand really soon he would never get any older…

"Reckon someone's trying to make a name for himself," Vin mused. "Reckon yer the one he's after cowboy."

"Reckon I'll shoot you if you call me cowboy again," Chris muttered angrily. As if that damn kid wasn't enough to worry about, now the damn fool tracker had to go mouthing off to him too.

"Larabee!" the kid cried in glee as he spotted the black clad man in the corner, barely even registering the long haired man sitting beside him. "I heard you're supposed to be fast, huh?" he demanded as he approached them and Vin snickered.

Chris glared at him, hoping that just this once it would actually have some effect on him, but no, Vin just snickered again and raised the brim of his hat lightly to better watch the proceedings.

"Reckon you might have heard that," Chris turned his glare to the kid who took a step back before catching himself.

Now why, why couldn't it work that way on Tanner?

"I'm pretty fast too," the kid patted the butt of his gun. "In fact I'm damn fast, and I want to know if you're as fast as they say. I don't think you are, cowboy." The last part was clearly an insult and while Chris just kept fixing the kid with a glare, Vin gave a quiet whoop of amusement.

"Done gone and done it there kid," he stated with a lopsided grin. "Them ol' gun slingers can git mighty touchy don't ya know, an' that one there don't cotton to being called cowboy. Reckon ya might wanna ponder some on what yer doing?" he suggested.

"I know what I'm doing," the kid swallowed.

"And I know what I'm doing," Chris decided. "And I'm sitting here having a glass of whiskey. I'm not going out into some damn hot street just because you're getting too big for your britches." He fixed him with another glare and noticed how the kid paled just slightly. "Not going to fight you kid, not worth it. You want a fight you'll have to look for someone else, I'm not obliging."

"Alright," he nodded and Chris only just had time to realize it was too easy when the kid turned to face JD who had approached them. "Dunne, I hear you think you're something to, I'm calling you out," he challenged and Chris shot to his feet.

"You leave him the hell alone!" he demanded angrily, aware that Vin slowly came to his feet behind him.

"If you won't accept my challenge Larabee, I'm calling him out," he grinned. He had arrived yesterday, determined to make a name for himself but he had decided to check out what he was up against first and he had realized that Larabee might not be all that accommodating so he had decided he might need a back up plan. He had seen how eager the kid they had with them was to prove himself, he would be an easy target. He felt certain that he was faster than Larabee and if he was he was certainly faster than the kid. None of the others were likely to fall for the trick as fare as he could tell, but the kid would, he was too young and too green.

"Well, what do you say kid?" he sneered. "I said I'm calling you out, or are you too scared?"

"I'm not scared, and who are you calling kid?" JD drew himself up to stand as tall as he could while Vin shook his head with a sad smile on his face. Kids were funny, when they weren't trying to kill each other he decided.

"If you're not scared, how about accepting my challenge?" the would be gun fighter leered.

"I reckon I might at that," JD decided, wishing he could pull himself up a little taller.

"No way," Chris shook his head. "You're not going to do that. Get out of here, we've had enough of your kind," he scowled.

"I challenged him, if he accepts my challenge ain't nothing you can say," he grinned cockily.

"Fine, you want to challenge me, I'll let you!" Chris snapped angrily.

"Great, I'll take you after the kid."

"Now hold on a moment," Buck growled as he approached.

"Stay out of it Buck, I don't let anyone call me kid and get away with it," JD snapped.

"Aw hell kid, everyone calls ya kid," Vin drawled.

"Well, shall we take it outside?" the gun happy kid asked as he nodded towards the street.

"You bet!" JD nodded.

"You're not facing anyone until you've faced me!" Chris demanded angrily.

Vin shook his head ruefully, it was getting to the point where a man couldn't sit down and enjoy a nice quiet evening in the saloon without interruptions like this…

"I'll face you Larabee, just as soon as I'm done with the kid," he leered again. Larabee was mad, he was pissed off mad, and that would slow his reflexes he knew. He had heard old gunfighters talk about that.

"JD, you're not facing anyone," demanded Buck furiously now that 'his' kid was in the middle of the mess.

"Well, are you coming?" the kid demanded and JD made to step out on the street when Vin reached out a hand to stop him.

"Hold on here, if yer dead set on challenging JD so that Chris will fight ya, an' Chris will fight ya so ya won't fight JD, I reckon that there's only one way ta settle this." He gave Chris a grin, knowing the black clad man would know he had a plan, and that it was a crazy one at that. He'd hate every second of it, but he'd let him give it a shot.

He also winked at Ezra, knowing he might need back up and Ezra was the only one who could think fast enough for his plan to work.

"And what's that?" the kid demanded.

"Simple," Vin smiled again. "I challenge Larabee here, now, if I win, ya do what he says an ya fight him, if he wins, I reckon ya can do what ya say an' take on the kid there," he nodded towards JD.

"But that's not even possible," he objected in a shrill voice. "If you win Larabee ain't gonna be good for anything…."

"Hold on a minute Gentlemen, or something akin to gentlemen for I fear certain members of this party can't be described by that term no matter how far one stretches the truth," Ezra thought he knew what Vin was doing and decided he was more than willing to toss his two cents in. "I detest this barbaric display, you simply can't go around challenging each others every which way you please."

"The hell we can't!" Buck had caught on, and reaching over he grabbed a glove from the table behind Ezra. A shining white kid-glove that the southern gentleman had ordered away to Saint Louis for. "I challenge you, kid, if you're so brave." He threw the glove to the floor where it was trampled.

"Sir, you have gone too far," Ezra picked up the other glove, inwardly weeping over the loss but valuing a life at a much higher price. He threw the glove down and rounded up on Wilmington. "That was a mistake my good man, and you owe me retribution, I challenge you, and I demand satisfaction."

"Don't need ta git yer hands dirty Ez," Vin grinned. "I can challenge him for ya as soon as I'm done with Cowboy here."

"Who are you calling cowboy you damn sorry assed Texan," Chris flared up. "I've had enough of you, and I'm aiming to put an end to it. You and me are going to go out into the street and settle this cowboy business once and for all!"

"My pleasure cowboy," Vin grinned happily tipping his hat.

"Now hold on a minute, I'm the one was going to challenge you Larabee!" the kid cried indignantly.

"You need to learn some respect for your elders whelp," Josiah boomed. "And if it takes dragging you out into the streets to do it, then fine by me."

"Hey, that's not fair, I want to give him a try!" Vin objected happily. "I want to challenge him 'Siah."

"You can't even fight a gun fight, you don't even have a six gun!" the kid cried shaking his head, no one appeared to be listening to him. "You can't fast draw a piece like that, do you hear me you damn fool, you can't!"

"Fine," Josiah snapped turned towards Vin. "You and me are going to settle this, the winner gets to take him."

"Will all of you just shut up and stop this nonsense?" demanded Nathan. "I swear I will call out the next one who even talks about calling someone out."

"Congratulations my friend, I think you have just have given yourself reason to call out your very own person." Ezra flashed his gold tooth. "Be sure to let me know who comes out the victorious."

"Hold on now, I never said I'd call myself out!" Nathan raged. "Vin, this is all your fault and I'm going to make you pay for it."

"Shut up, I just want to call out Larabee!" the kid cried, his voice a high pitch now.

"How ya make it my fault?" demanded Vin. "Wasn't me started it."

"But you were the one who initiated this circus, and once Nathan is done with you, I think you and me will have to go a round for the trouble," Josiah boomed.

"Would you care to establish the odds?" Ezra offered.

"Vin, if you even think of calling me out I'll call you out!" challenged Chris with heart felt frustration. All he had wanted was some peace and quiet.

"The next one who calls me kid had better be prepared to draw!" JD declared angrily.

"Sure thing kid, I'm with you there, I'll back you up," Vin bobbed his head up and down. "Hear that y'all, the next one calls the kid a kid will have ta draw against him, an' I reckon he'll just have to draw against me too."

"You called me a kid," JD protested.

"Oh, Nathan, reckon you an' me are gonna have to sort out who's first, you against yerself, or me against myself," Vin decided thoughtfully.

"Easily determined," Ezra offered. "Whoever can draw faster than me shall have the first shot at himself."

"What the hell are you saying, you can't fight yourself in a gun fight," the kid whined.

"I can't?" Vin sounded shocked.

"What's the matter with you, you damn fool?" the kid cried. "Of course you can't, how the hell can you be so stupid?"

"Them's fighting words kid, I don't take kindly to anyone insulting my friends," Chris stood himself toe to toe with him. "Are you prepared to put your gun where your mouth is?"

"Chris, I have nothing but the outmost respect for you," Josiah started. "But I do not approve of the way you're handling this situation and I think it is time we settle our differences."

"Oh to hell with it!" the young would be gunfighter threw up his hands in disgust. "You're crazy, you're all crazy, it's not worth it. How can anyone fight an honest gun battle in this circus?"

"I think he's getting the idea," Vin mumbled quietly to Ezra as they watched him throw his hat to the floor in disgust.

"Well I don't care anymore, I don't care, do you hear that Larabee!" he cried angrily and shrilly.

"Heck kid, the next county over heard ya," Buck chuckled quietly to himself.

"You are all crazy bastards!" he cried from the other side of the batwing doors, his face read and he appeared close to tears. All he had wanted was to prove himself and they had turned it into a circus. What could he possibly gain by challenging either one of them after that? No one would take him seriously. Not after they had witnessed that.

The men inside the saloon watched him leave, JD was slightly annoyed that the others had intervened like they had, but they had avoided bloodshed. No one had had to die and he had to admit that was the most important thing.

The others smiled as they watched him head down the street, kicking at the dust, crying the occasional insult or curse over his shoulder, and muttering to himself that he ought to head over to Tombstone, Johnny Ringo was there, he ought to challenge him instead. Certainly that would be preferable to that crazy bunch in the saloon.

"I think my friends, that our guest were not very impressed by our behaviour," Ezra decided as he nodded to the bartender to bring them clean glasses and a bottle.

"Interesting way to handle it," Chris glanced towards Vin who simply shrugged and accepted his glass.

"I could have handled it," JD muttered.

"Perhaps, but blood would have been spilt," Josiah swirled the whiskey in his glass. "There is no reason to spill blood if it can be avoided JD. And there is no glory in ending the life of a poor lost soul."

"Poor kid could really do with some guidance," Nathan nodded. "Didn't seem like a bad sort."

"No, he didn't brother," Josiah agreed. "Just lost."

"Damn, I never thought that could work," Buck laughed, reaching forward to slap both Ezra and Vin on their respective shoulders. Ezra as a result nearly choked on the whiskey he had been about to swallow, and Vin grimaced as his midsection was forced forward to collide with the table.

"I think I lost track of who was calling who out," Nathan shook his head. "Damn, that was crazy, I can hardly believe it worked."

"Wouldn't have worked on everyone," Vin shrugged. "And if ya slap my shoulder like that again Bucklin, I'll call ya out an' mean it…"

"Nah, I don't think so Junior, cause if ya do I'll just call Chris here out," Buck laughed and slapped the young trackers shoulder again. "After all, I think he threatened to shoot you if you called him cowboy again. We could always have it out between us, winner gets to shoot you."

"And I would enjoy it," Chris decided.

"He's gone," Nathan reminded them. "Y'all don't have to call each other out anymore."

"I wonder if he makes it to Tombstone," Ezra mused.

"Don't think so," Josiah shook his head. "I saw his eyes. Looked kinda relieved that he wouldn't have to go through with it."

"Don't make no never mind ta me," Vin emptied his glass and stood. "I'm going ta head out to Nettie's place, she's got an apple pie there I'm aiming ta see if I can't take on."

"You do that, be back for your patrol tomorrow morning," Chris decided.

"No worries cowboy," Vin tossed over his shoulder as he left, grinning as he saw Buck head back to his girl. Ezra went back to the poker game, and JD asked for a fresh mug of milk, fingering the butt of his gun, wondering if he would have carved a notch there if he had won, if they had fought it out… Nathan and Josiah started discussing the rather unorthodox method they had used to quell the young man's blood thirst and Chris settled down with the hat over his eyes, enjoying the peace and quiet that reined once more, for now…

The End

If you know what Johnny Ringo in Tombstone has to do with this, then credit to you… ;)

Please review, the Cricket is hungry…

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