A/N:I'm soo sorry about this. Between working and school and a lot of personal shit. These past few months have really screwed me so I apologize. I'm still trying to fight through completely loosing direction with this story... so if anyone wants to help or shoot some words of wisdom to help motivate or make it better, shoot me a DM please. I'd appreciate it.

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER DOES CONTAIN A FEW MAJOR TRIGGERS SO READ WITH CAUTION.

Chapter 21: Revelations

Santana sat back in her bed, crossed legged with her water bong between her legs as she lit the pipe and inhaled deeply, letting the smoke fill her lungs. Exhaling a large cloud of smoke into her room, she bobbed her head along to the start of the bass line to "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe" that was filtering through the surround sound system in her bedroom. She sat back more relaxed then she had been in a while, her blinds drawn and the lights out with the exception of her special red "smoke" lights. Lighting the bong again and taking another deep inhale, she finally let felt the high hit her when she exhaled again.

Santana loved being high. It was something about it that made being in her head bearable. All the thoughts that kept her up at night and medicated during the day where gone and she just felt like she was floating. Her problems didn't matter anymore. Her problems were nonexistent. She should honestly talk to Quinn about getting it prescribed to her, maybe she would be a bit more functional on her meds if she had something to counteract the effects. Humming along to the song she reached down to light the bowl again, she heard her front door open. She didn't rush to get up to see who it was since besides herself only two other people had keys to her apartment, Rachel or Puck. She figured it was Rachel, since Puck said something earlier about having to finish up a back piece today at the shop. She smiled when she heard Rachel's light footsteps trail towards her room after placing her purse down and softly open the door to her room as she took another deep inhale from her bong. "San?"

Santana smiled softly at Rachel, mumbling a "Hey Rach." while she exhaled the large cloud of smoke into her room. Rachel gave Santana a displeased look; she wasn't the world's biggest fan of Santana and her frequent recreational use of marijuana. But she did see that it often calmed the taller Latina when she was feeling particularly moody or in one of her funks. She couldn't speak on the use of the rest of her girlfriend's friends and their usage, but she tolerated it none the less.

"Baby, you've been smoking a lot more recently… what's going on?" Rachel sat next to Santana on her bed and made herself comfortable by laying on one of Santana's pillows and placing her feet across the taller brunette's thigh, knocking the bong with her bare feet.

"I'm just really tired Rach." Santana sighed exasperatedly while running her hand through her hair.

"That's just because you're high." Rachel rolled her eyes at the statement.

"No, I am not high Rachel." Rachel looked at Santana incredulously. "I am stoned. There's a difference." Santana burst into a fit of giggles as Rachel threw her hands up in defeat. "But no seriously, I am tired. I'm just escaping." Santana gently rubbed Rachel's thigh as she looked into her eyes briefly before turning her attention back to her bong.

"What are you escaping Santana?" Rachel sat up on her elbows and looked at her girlfriend, concern slowly making its way across her features.

"Life, Rachel." Santana stated simply before picking up her lighter to light the bong again. But Rachel stops her in the middle of trying to flick her lighter.

"Life?" Rachel takes the lighter and the bong out of Santana's hands and places it on the stand next to the Latina's bed. "San, what's going on in your head?" Rachel reached out and caressed alongside the taller brunettes face and pushing back a strand of now dyed teal wavy hair.

Santana sighed, turning her face away from Rachel's caress and flopped back against the headboard next to her, making sure her shirt was pulled down as far as it could and her hands were covering what wasn't being covered of her noticeably scarred thighs. She sent up a quick prayer to whoever was up there that Rachel didn't look down and notice that in Santana's lack of pants, that her thighs were littered with small, fading angry scars of her previous 'release sessions'. "I just haven't been feeling one hundred percent lately, Rach." Santana closed her eyes and turned her head away from Rachel, in expectation to what the smaller Diva's reaction was. Rachel looked at her girlfriend, concern almost dripping from her eyes like tears. She worried about Santana when she got like this. She could almost sense Santana slipping back into her own dark corners. What upset her the most was the fact that she still had no idea how to stop it sometimes. This was one of those times, so she did the only thing she could do. "Do you wanna talk to Quinn about it?"

Santana sighed and shook her head. "No, I don't really feel like delving into all that with her…"

Rachel interrupted, grabbing Santana's hand and interlacing their fingers. Causing Santana to sit up abruptly at Rachel's sudden serious look, afraid Rachel has saw her thighs before the smaller Diva continued.

"You really should Santana. The last thing we need is for you to back track. None of us want to see you start hurting yourself aga-"

Santana interrupted Rachel's rant with loud and annoyed sigh. "I don't understand what the big deal is about that!" She huffs, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes in the process. "People freak the fuck out about me cutting myself. I couldn't use razors. I had to wear that stupid fucking bracelet. I didn't cut deep! I didn't try to end my life-"

"YOU DID SANTANA! YOU DID TRY TO END YOUR LIFE!" Rachel jumps up from Santana's side, scandalized that this was coming from her girlfriend's mouth. She lowered her tone when she realized she was screaming and that that wasn't going to help her case at all. "Where is this coming from?"

Santana flopped back against her bed and sighed in defeat. "Like I was saying before you interrupted me, I didn't try to kill myself that way. I attempted to swallow an entire bottle of pills. I didn't want to end my life that way. I wanted a peaceful and sedated sleep. I didn't wanna wake up…"

Rachel walked over to the window in Santana's room and stared down at her fingers idly. "Santana, baby I'm worried about you. I don't like talking about this." Rachel discreetly swallowed down the tears that itching their way to falling down her face.

"I'm just saying Rachel…" Santana continued, not noticing fully the distress she was placing on her girlfriend at the current time. "If you're worried about me offing myself, worry about me swallowing another bottle of Oxy, Rae. Not a few cuts." Santana ends her statement by getting up and walking over to her dresser and pulls on some sweatpants.

"Santana, can we not talk about this anymore? I just.. I can't handle it right now. Can we just watch a movie or something?" Rachel looked at the window and quickly wiped the few stray tears that fell down her face before she continued. "I just really want to talk to Quinn about this."

Santana grumbled in annoyance before flopping back into her bed and settling herself under the covers as she picked up her bong again. "Rach, I told you. I'm not going to Quinn. You can, but I'm not. Go pick a movie and I'm gonna finish these last few hits of this and then I'll come meet you in the living room."

Rachel looked down at her bare feet against the wood floors of Santana's room, pushing her bangs up over her face, she continued in a small defeated voice. "Can we watch it in here? I just want to snuggle with you."

Santana looked up at Rachel's face and saw how her girlfriend was trying her hardest to hold back her tears as she bit her lip, trying to look anywhere but directly into the Latina's eyes. "San, I just want to feel your warmth. Please?" Rachel choked out as the tears that were threatening to fall made her voice even more quiet than before.

Santana noticed how Rachel's beautiful brown eyes shined with unshed tears. She placed her bong back down on the side table next to her bed and held her arms out for Rachel to fall into. She felt the Tiny Diva's body start to shake in silent sobs as she held onto Santana like her life depended on it. "Shh, Estrella. Don't cry. Baby, I hate to see you this upset."

Rachel sniffled against her spot where her face was nuzzled in Santana's neck, taking in the warmth and comforting smell of the woman she was so utterly in love with. "I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to upset you." Santana whispered into Rachel's hair as she pressed a kiss to the smaller girl's temple.

Rachel just nodded and held onto Santana tighter. Being in the embrace of her girlfriend, she didn't want to let go for fear of somehow losing the Latina in her arms. That's what scared Rachel the most when she felt Santana start to slip back into her dark place, she almost lost the Latina once due to stupidity on her part. The idea of losing Santana again, but for good has times when it's actually made her physically ill. It's been clawing away at her since she's been noticing something has been slightly off about her girlfriend. So Rachel just swallows her fears and wraps her arms around the Latina tighter as Santana turns on her TV and scrolls through Netflix to find something for them to watch. She chuckles when she finds Yentl and turns off her mood lightening and the taller brunette makes herself comfortable in Rachel's arms while she pulls the blanket over the both of them.

Santana looks down at Rachel's face and sighs inwardly to herself as she sees Rachel's wet eyelashes showing in the blue glow of the television in her dark room. She can see how much this is eating away at Rachel, and it kills her to see her this way. She's got to fix herself before this gets too out of hand. She squeezes Rachel tighter and places a chaste kiss to the Diva's forehead. "I love you, Rachel." She feels the smaller Diva relax at the statement and she squeezes Santana's waist mumbling a quiet "Love you too."

….

Rachel (at Puck's insistence), found herself at Puck's apartment while Santana was at the shop on his day off. Puck handed her another beer as Rachel scrolled through the boards for another round of Call of Duty.

"It's kinda weird hanging out with you like this without San, Jew Princess." Puck sat back and smiled at Rachel before taking a sip of his own beer. "I'm glad we can."

Rachel raised an eyebrow in confusion at Puck's statement as she twisted the top off her Heineken and took a swig. "Why is it weird that we hangout without Santana, Noah?"

"No, I mean not offensively. Like San's my best friend, my brother really and you're dating her. She's not here and like granted you're not interested in man sausage but most people are like 'Bros shouldn't be chillin with other Bros girls!' but you know?" Puck chuckled clinking his beer to Rachel's when she offered.

"None taken, Noah. I'm just saying, you hang out with Tina without Mike and Mercedes without Sam and vice versa. It shouldn't be a difference between them and Santana. Plus, regardless of the fact that I am no way in the slightest interested in yours or anyone else's for that matters so called 'man sausage', I am completely and devotedly in love with Santana and would never in a million years do anything to jeopardize these last seven months OR the future that I have with her like that."

Rachel sat back and took a long sip of her beer, she had actually wanted to talk to Puck in the first place, which is why she jumped on the chance to hang out with him separately from Santana. She needed a space where she could actively ask him questions without anyone else hearing or Santana being there. Santana has been… off kilter as of lately. And Santana was no help when she needed answers, often brushing her off or they would get into yet another fight. Santana wouldn't let Rachel see her naked or touch her and although Santana admits to not feeling like herself; she still won't go speak to Quinn, which is what she normally would do in any other situation. She needed answers, honest answers and she knew Noah would give them to her. Steeling her nerves she turned to face Puck on the couch and placed her beer down on the table. "Noah, how did you find out Santana was hurting herself?"

Puck almost choked on the swig of beer he was drinking and looked at Rachel with wide eyes. "Excuse me?"

"How do you know if Santana is hurting herself?"

Puck sat back on the couch and let out a tired sigh. "She displays what me and Chang Squared call D.Q.V" Rachel looked at Puck quizzically with her head tilted to the side as Puck continued, "Distant, Quiet and Violent." Puck got comfortable across the couch and leaned his arm across the back of the couch. "San has the weirdest mind frame of a person I've ever met. The D and Q are normally shown at the same time. She keeps to herself and when she feels like someone is onto her game, she'll go out with us but she's quiet. She'll only speak when spoken too. She tends to fidget with her sleeves, but that was way back then. Now she just plays with her bracelet that distracts her from cutting. And the V is the one that we all know very well. San has and will not hesitate to resort to violence when all else fails. She feels someone getting to close, she'll threaten, she'll fight and more often than not she'll use something painful against you. She won't think twice about using what she knows will push you away. Her defense mechanisms are intense. She'll purposefully hurt you for you to leave her alone. You know how many times me and Chang Squared have been at the mercy of these defense ass beatings? Me and Mike never hit her back, but Tina doesn't play that shit. She's fought back with Santana multiple times, which was funny but that's not the point."

Rachel looked at Puck with large eyes. She's noticed a lot of these characteristics in Santana. And with the look in Rachel's eyes, Puck knew instantly where Rachel was heading. "Rach, do you think something is up with San?" Puck looked at Rachel with concerned eyes as he rubbed his hand over his Mohawk. His fear only heightened with Rachel's impending silence. "Rach, if something is up with my sister… I need you to tell me now." His eyes burned pleadingly into Rachel's large brown ones. "Please Rach, is something going on with Santana?"

Rachel sighed deeply and looked Puck deep into his eyes. "Something's wrong, Noah." Puck sighed deeply as he felt the beginnings of tears start to prickle at the back of his eyes. "Something seems off, Noah. She seems so dark most days. Like her eyes shine when I'm with her, but it's not as bright as it was before. I try to get her to talk to Quinn, but it won't work. I try to get her to talk to me, she shuts down. She closes me out. Sometimes I can push her but its getting harder. It's almost to the point now where it's beginning to be almost impossible to get her to open up like before. She spends a lot of time by herself." Rachel took a deep breath to calm her emotions and steel her nerves as she felt her tears that she was trying so desperately to swallow down, but with no avail.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose her… I can't lose her. It hurts me so much that she's in so much pain. I just want to take it away but I don't know what to do. What to start with or even talk too. I can't betray her trust, but I can't take losing her for good. I have to do something." Rachel finished her statement breaking down into full out tears, as Puck wrapped his arms around his tiny Jewish Princess and held her tight.

"Shh, JP. We'll find a way. I'm just glad you told me." Puck cradled the crying girl in his arms as the few stray tears fell from the corners of his eyes. He and Rachel were gonna fix this. Neither one of them were going to lose Santana again, not if he had something to do with it. "Rach, you have to check her." He lifted Rachel from his arms and held her by her shoulders looking seriously into her large puffy, wet eyes.

"Check her?" Rachel looked at Puck confusedly. "What do you mean?"

"Look at her body. Look for cuts, new ones at least or freshly fading scars. She tends to make them small, but definite and in groups of three or more."

"Multiple?" Rachel looked on wide eyed. "At a time?"

Puck sat back on the couch he was sitting in and grabbed Rachel's hands. "Rachel, Santana has never made just one cut. It's always been three or more. Check her arms, forearms and the insides of her biceps. Check her stomach, the insides of her thighs and her hipbones. She's notorious for her hip bones. If you want proof, that's the first place you look."

Rachel nodded and made a mental note to check all of those places the minute she gets a chance. "Rachel, you do know that if you find proof, what all that's going to entail right?" Puck continued to grip Rachel's hands tightly, his eyes almost desperately scanning Rachel's large brown ones for any sign of how serious this truly is. "Rach, if you find out Santana is cutting again… you HAVE to call Quinn and then me. We all have to go through her apartment and remove any sharp objects or anything that could be made sharp. Then she'll be back into her three hour, two times a week therapy sessions, which is hard on everyone because San's consistently pissy. And when San's pissy, everyone is pissy. We all try to look out for her but our own selves and relationships take the back burner." Puck let out a heavy sigh as he saw Rachel's eyes widen in surprise.

"Listen, if there's anything you should truly understand is that, no offense but before you, it was just us. You know San isn't really close with any of her family, so we're all she had. We are her family. And not saying you and Merce and Sam and Kurt and Blaine aren't family now too, but San is our blood. We take her, her health, her emotional state and everything else that entails that girl seriously. We'd take bullets for her. If she's not one hundred percent… we all aren't. It's been that was since we were kids. It's never changed. We've seen this firsthand. San comes first, always. She's our sister…my sister. We're like a group of misfits, it's a family effort."

Rachel nodded her head understandingly as Puck explained. She could feel the emotions pouring off of someone she's come to view as big brother over her time with Santana. She could see why Santana clung to her friends like a life line, especially Noah. Noah was her protector, her exact and in a way soul mate. See, Rachel believed in different forms of soul mates. While she couldn't deny any longer that Santana was her soul mate, romantically of course. Just like Mercedes was her platonic soul mate. Noah was that soul mate to Santana.

"Noah, I understand completely. I'm in love with Santana. She's my other half. I've never felt this way about anyone ever, and more than positive I never will about anyone else. She's my family as well. She and all three of my parent speak regularly. My mother already calls her, her 'daughter in law'. My fathers do the same. They all feel and look at San as a member of the family. My daddy is already trying to send me wedding dress pictures because not only is he asinine for us to only been dating not even a year, but more so because they don't want me with anyone else either. So no offense taken, but no offense either, I would do anything for that girl and it's my business too. I promised Santana. I promised Quinn and now I'm promising you… I will help Santana get better and get through this. By any means necessary." Rachel's faced turned stone serious. She wasn't trying to combat Puck's statement. But she did want Noah to know that she was on their team. She was going to be a force to be reckoned with when it came to the woman she was helplessly head over heels in love with.

...

Read and Review. And even more so wishing you all a safe and very happy New Years.