*I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of their characters. I also don't own PhoenixDiamond's idea, although I do use it with permission.

Dear Fans of Fanfiction,

I get it. Apparently, according to many of you, I am considered one of the hottest characters of the games.

However, that does NOT mean that I want to have sex with everybody. Let's go over some of the more popular people that I get paired with, shall we?

Kairi- Yes, ordinarily I would go for her… if it wasn't so obvious to EVERYBODY (excluding Sora) that she's attracted to Sora.

Sora- Best friends, NOT boyfriends. And even if we were dating, I would definitely be the seme one of the two of us. Sora's dreaming if he thinks I'd uke for him. Who saved who when Master Xehanort hijacked our Exams? And which of the two of us earned the title of Master? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Axel, er Lea- I've barely spoken to the guy, save for that time when we had to rescue Sora together, so why would I wish to screw his brains out? Or, better yet, let him ravish me into oblivion?

Ansem- Don't even get me started on this one…

Vanitas- Who the hell is that guy, anyway?

Naminé- Yes, I'm grateful to her for restoring Sora's memories. No, that does not mean that I want to ravish her over and over again. Although she is rather attractive, I will admit that.

Xion- While the name for some odd reason is teasingly familiar, I don't ever recall actually meeting a girl with that name.

My Replica- I'm going to need some mental bleach to get this disturbing visual out of my head…

DiZ- *shudder*

Terra- Wasn't he that guy who I met when I was just a kid? He's gotta be how old, now? Yeah… so not going to happen.

Roxas- Nuh uh. No way. Never going to happen. The end.

Shiki- I've only met her the once… and isn't she paired with that headphones guy who looks a lot like Sora, anyway?

King Mickey- Seriously, WTF is wrong with you people?

And if I continue, I'm going to need more paper… so I'll just end it here. Oh, and BTW, there is NO way I will EVER date any of your rabid fangirl characters. Some of them are WAY too crazy…

Sincerely,

Riku.

A/N: I'm totally guilty for supporting some of these pairings, teehee...