When the Curtain Falls

Jedi Goat

Disclaimer: Last I checked, I still didn't own Host Club.

Author's Note: Thanks to DevillishTwins!

Prompt: 15 - Anxious
Summary: A late night video game marathon has Kaoru reflecting, but Hikaru has other ideas.

Instructions Not Included

"...Hikaru? What are we?" I voiced suddenly.

"What?" In the half-darkness of the living room, Hikaru didn't look at me; his brow furrowed in the glow of the television and he tilted the controller in his hands, wheeling his onscreen character around another corner with two enemies in pursuit. Back on an open stretch, he spoke distractedly over his shoulder. "What're you on about, Kaoru?"

"What are we?" I repeated, lowering my eyes and fiddling with the unused controller in my hands. The matter had been mulling at the back of my mind for some time, and I needed his justification. "You know ... us."

"Us?" He blinked, bemused by my concern, and swore under his breath when his distraction cost him an enemy's glancing hit. "Well, we're brothers, aren't we? That's all there is to it."

I stared at my hands. "...Brothers don't kiss each other like that," I mumbled. "Brothers don't do ... what we've done."

At last Hikaru hit pause and as the menu reappeared onscreen he turned back toward me. His expression fell into shadow as he tilted his head. "What d'you want to call us, then?"

"I don't know. I don't know anymore, Hikaru. It all ... it all was at least distinct before."

I pressed blindly for his help, but all Hikaru gave me in return was a noisy sigh. His left hand went to rub agitatedly at the back of his neck. "Don't over-think it, Kaoru. I know that look of yours. It's ... it doesn't matter what it is. Let's just enjoy it ... okay?"

"Okay," I agreed, my voice unwavering even if, inside, his words hit me like a heartless blow. Of course it mattered; it meant everything between love and ... and that. It wasn't Hikaru's fault I expected him to be able to make sense of the mess of emotions whirling in my mind. It was unfair to ask him to tell me what to believe, and I knew it.

Still, I didn't want to be the first to have to voice that word.

Hikaru exhaled restlessly and reached over, hands clasping mine. My head jerked up and I stared, wide-eyed, into his suddenly vehement expression.

"Do you love me, Kaoru?"

"Y-yes," I barely whispered, my eyes darting over his shoulder toward the glow of light coming through the open doorway. It was late and our parents were away, but that didn't mean the maids weren't still skulking about. Hikaru was unfazed by the danger. He leaned in and his lips closed in on mine: the kiss was quick and dry.

He pulled back and met my eye, his identical amber stare blazing.

"There. That wasn't so hard, was it? There's nothing to it."

My eyes slid away from his and, sighing, he ran his fingers gingerly along the side of my face. "I'm sorry I can't give you a better answer. I don't know if I want one, Kaoru. I like us like this. There's no expectations. No judgment. It's simple, you know?"

"Yeah." I didn't look at him.

Wrong, my mind echoed: if anything, our relationship was not simple. Hell, he of all people should have known that. I blinked against the hated warmth brewing behind my eyes. I didn't want to cry, and especially not in front of him.

You're so wrong, Hikaru. Even like this – even when it's just the two of us – we're still branded by that word.

Hikaru watched the troubled struggle pass on my face and sat back with a low growl, raking his fingers through his hair. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Kaoru, I'm trying. What d'you want me to say -?"

"I know," I cut him off. I tried to smile. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry, I just started thinking..."

About what might happen if anyone finds out. About you and Haruhi, and how you still have every reason to pick her over me ... because she isn't forbidden, like we are...

"Don't think too much," Hikaru repeated firmly. "I don't like it when you get withdrawn and miserable. Kaoru, if something's bothering you, just spit it out, okay? I only want you to be happy, and if this isn't the way..."

I shook my head, scattering my thoughts with effort, and squeezed his hand. "I am happy, Hikaru," I promised in a whisper. That was the truth; I didn't want him to think otherwise because of my worries. Fervently, I pressed, "Happier than ever. Really."

He smiled at my change of heart and kissed the corner of my jaw. "That's more like it. Just one more level, all right? Then we can do something else. This game's getting boring anyway."

His hand squeezed mine a little tighter before he let go and resumed the game; by that and the skip in my heartbeat I had a feeling I knew what his promise entailed. Nevertheless I bit my lip and curled my fists over my controller.

I needed my answer.

"Hikaru ... this is incest."

Hikaru didn't answer at once. The enemies ganged up on his character onscreen and 'Game Over' flashed in bold letters. He stared blankly at the screen, features unreadable from this angle, a muscle jumping in his jaw.

"If that's what you want to call us, I guess."

I said nothing.

Hikaru sank back against the couch, scrubbing a hand across his face. "It bothers you that much, then?"

I nodded. My throat had tightened and I couldn't speak further.

"Well, so what?" he said brusquely. "In public you're my brother; when we're alone, you're my lover. What's the name matter? You said you were happy, right?"

I summoned the will to speak. "Maybe to us it doesn't, but in everyone else's eyes it makes us unnatural. Wrong."

"And that's why everyone else can mind their own fucking business." Hikaru clasped my face in his hands and pulled me toward him, more gently holding us together so our foreheads and noses touched. "I don't care, Kaoru. And I'll never care. All right? If nothing else, you can count on me."

It was so easy to believe him. I closed my eyes and nodded slightly, terrified that if I tried to speak the tears would come.

Hikaru rustled away, abruptly standing up. He grabbed my hands and I glanced up.

"Hika-?"

"Let's go upstairs," he decided fiercely, "and I'll show you exactly how much I don't care."

"Oh ... okay. Okay, Hikaru."

"Okay? That's all you have to say in thanks?" He shook his head and smirked, dragging me along in his wake. "I'm not so good at this emotional stuff, but I know one thing, and that's that I'd rather have you moaning than crying any day."

Maybe because it was late, or the tears still threatening my eyes, but his none too subtle suggestion had me laughing as we reached the stairs.

Fin.

This scene had been kicking around in my head for a while. It's a fact of their relationship that had to be confronted in the open at some point. So, this is my take on that conversation.

Now: press that new shiny button!