Title: What the Audience Wants, the Audience Gets
Summary: In which Ian refuses to propose to Amy.
Character (s): Amy C., Ian K.
Genre: Humor
Rating: K
Fandom:39 Clues
Hey! You!
Yes, you. Stop looking around like an idiot. You're only one I'm talking to. How would you like to play the part of Amy Cahill in a production of mine? That's right! Amy Cahill, your favorite character from the 39 Clues!
Huh? Of course I'm sure I want you. You look exactly like her! You're blond! Come on, stop whining- everyone wants to be Amy.
Yes? You will? Oh, good, good. Wait over on the stage will you? I have to go find an Ian now.
Ah, and here comes a fine young gentleman! Hello, hello good sir. Looking fine today, aren't you? You look Australian and buff. Very nice. You're perfect for the role of Ian Kabra!
What was that, Amy? Ian's British? Don't be absurd. He's an Aussi! What? You'll what? Oh- but I- FINE.
I'm sorry for that incredibly rude intrusion. I regret to inform you that we no longer find you suitable for the part. Apparently, the audience is after a British guy.
Oh, no! Please don't cry! I understand that it is hard- oh, I'm so sorry! You'll get a position one day, I'm sure, with co-workers that actually appreciate you. Yes, I'm talking about you, Amy.
I don't care if your name's not Amy.
I know it's hard to accept but please try to understand!
Oh? Stop? You understand? Wha- wait! Don't run off! I'm sorry! I truly am!
Look what you made me do. His hopes and dreams have been shattered. Yes, shattered. And it is necessary to italize them. Now I have to find another Ian. You are heartless!
No. I refuse to listen to your excuses. Don't groan! Stop that-
You! You're British and hot! You're the perfect Ian Kabra! How would you like to star in a show I am producing?
Yes? Very good!
Amy come here. This is Ian.
Are you ready to hear about the first scene? Don't worry its simple. Anyone could do it.
What was that Ian? Contracts? Papers? Do we have to? Okay, but it's really unnecessary...
Here- sign here. Jolly good! Now let's move onto the first scene.
Ian, get down on one knee. No, no, no like that, like this- fantastic. Amy stand here. Hmm, a little more to the left. That good. Now Ian, I need you to propose to Amy. Here's the ring.
Why do you look so flabbergasted? Don't gape at me like that, it's rude.
Why? Well, du'h. The audience wants it. And what the audience wants, the audience gets, no questions asked.
Now get back down on your knee and propose!
What was that Ian? You refuse to do it? Um, you signed a contract saying that you agreed to act the way I want you to in my show. Do I need to get my lawyer? I could sue you for all you're, worth whether you're Ian Kabra or not! And don't even bother with the I'm a cunning Lucian who can get out of anything line because I am telling you right now that I am a Madrigal that is not afraid to over step the boundaries!
And I am NOT taking this to seriously.
Excuse me, Cobra? You're calling me a loony? Um, I'm not the one who left Amy in a cave to freaking die! For clues! You are a sadistic and bloodthirsty vampire who would do anything to get your hands on the master serum! Yeah! That's right! Vampire!
I KNOW this is not Twilight! I was making a small comparison and- WHAT? Don't interrupt me in the middle of a rant!
Oh- er- hi, Mom! I- I'm so sorry! I didn't realize that was you and these amatur actors were getting me all riled up-
Hey! I've been a perfectly good boss towards you guys! What are you complaining about?
No mom, I have not been doing what they're accusing me of. I asked Ian in a perfectly calm and direct manner to propose to Amy, but he refused to do it! What kind of actors are they?
Don't give me that skeptical look!
Pardon? You're firing me for being 'too nutty'? Mom, I'm producing this play. You can't exactly fire me.
Wha- Oh, you want to go there? FINE. Keep you money. I'll go find someone else to invest in this. That's right. You heard me. Yeah, that's it, you'd better walk away!
Oh. And you're all fired.
I can't fire you because you quit? It is clearly stated in the contract that you can not quit unless you have a valid excuse and I can tell you right now that saying your employer is loony is not a valid excuse. So I fire you.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Look at them walk off. They'll come running back to me and beg to get their jobs back any second now.
…
…
…
Yup. Just sitting here. All alone. Waiting for them to come back.
…
…
...
Why, hello there! You're a fine looking couple! How would you like to play Amy and Ian in a play that I am producing?
No, absolutely no contracts.
A/N: Thanks for reviewing The Annual Conference.
Sort of a companion to it.
-Golden