I DO NOT OWN BLEACH. (But I suppose I'd like to.)

A/N: This story is set after the war with Aizen, but before the Fullbringer arc, assuming that Ichigo lost his powers gradually instead of all at once. Mostly a humorous take on how things would go if Byakuya was on a mission to the World of the Living.

The plot is still in the making, in the twisted depths of my mind. But I promise it will be entertaining even until the plot is refined.

Heavily implied Byakuya X Ichigo (Nothing explicit. At least not YET). I love that pairing right next to Byakuya X Renji and I couldn't help but notice there weren't enough fanfics for ByaIchi fangirls!

Therefore, my first attempt at fanfiction. Hope you enjoy it!

Just so you know, I'll enjoy reviews. Criticism is welcome. Praise is even more welcome!

The Worst Mission in Kuchiki Taichou's Life

Chapter 1: The Welcome

Ichigo cursed under his breath as he headed reluctantly to Urahara's shop. What did the man want now? With his reiatsu in the process of disappearing and his entire system still recovering from the war, Ichigo was not expected to fulfill any Shinigami duties. More like, he had been advised not to (after all, Ichigo did not care about other people's expectations). His ability to sense hollows was not very efficient right now. So why had Urahara asked him to urgently be at the shop this evening?

"Aaah. Kurosaki san you have arrived – and just in time too!" Urahara spoke behind the fan he was flapping in his hand as Ichigo entered the yard in front of the shop.

"What do you want? And just in time for what?" Ichigo was about to ask a few more annoyed questions when he realized a senkaimon had appeared near them. The doors slid open.

"Byakuya? What the hell are you doing here?" If Ichigo wasn't annoyed already, seeing Rukia's arrogant stuck-up icy brother step gracefully out of the senkaimon would have made him annoyed. The noble always got on his nerves. Why was a captain here anyway?

"Welcome to Karakura town, 6th division Captain, Kuchiki Byakuya-sama." The respect in Urahara's voice was almost mocking.

That, and being addressed in an inappropriately informal manner by Kurosaki Ichigo, made Byakuya change his indifferent cold expression into a deadly glare. "Urahara Kisuke, it appears you haven't informed the boy of my mission?"

"What mission?" Ichigo was starting to feel left out of the loop.

Urahara flapped the fan even more energetically. "I figured you'd rather tell him yourself, Kuchiki Taichou." He didn't mean it of course. Everyone knew Kuchiki Byakuya was a man of few words. The Prince of Silence, as the Shinigami Women's Association had named him.

The blue-blooded man spoke up again, in his deep expressionless voice. "Kurosaki Ichigo, I am here on the orders of the Gotei 13 to watch over Karakura town in the aftermath of the massive disorder it went through during the war, and also to monitor the condtion of the person Soul Society is in debt to, that is you."

"They sent a captain?" Ichigo wondered out loud. Weren't captains supposed to be more important than that?

"The superiors seemed to think the situation was grave enough to be handled only by someone of captain level. Moreover, they need reports that are as comprehensive as possible. Given the disorder the town suffered in being shifted to Soul Society and back, it is vulnerable to hollow attacks several hundred times more than usual."

"But why you?" Ichigo's trademark scowl was on in full power. He couldn't stand Byakuya. The feeling was mutual, of course.

"Because I was deemed the most capable. Now I have no further time to waste answering your childish questions." Byakuya shifted his slate gray eyes to Urahara, coldness pouring out of them. "Have you prepared my gigai?"

"Of course, my staff will get it for you right away. The gigai of the highest possible quality – and price – just as is worthy of someone of your position," replied the shady shopkeeper as he signaled to Ururu and Jinta.

"Wait a minute – he's going to be here in a gigai? How long is this mission of yours?" Ichigo interrupted.

"Several months if things go well," came the noble's reply.

"MONTHS?"

This time Urahara was the one to interrupt "Oh and Kurosaki san, you will be providing lodgings to our esteemed guest here. No, don't protest – Soul Society has requested this of you as Kuchiki taichou is here to monitor your condition as closely as possible."

"I am NOT going to have some stuck up aristocrat who thinks he's better than everyone else and has a stick up his ass monitoring me closely."

"Kurosaki Ichigo," Byakuya's voice was cold and murderous now. "There is no choice in this matter. These are orders from the Soutaichou himself. I assure you, if it was a matter of choices I would have outright refused the prospect of spending any time at all in your vicinity."

Ichigo knew that tone. There really was no way out of this. He'd have to put up with having Byakuya in his house. He wanted to break something. Preferably by throwing it at Byakuya. That icy bastard,he thought.

"Kuchiki taichou, here is your gigai. And also the luggage that your subordinates dropped by previously." Urahara's voice broke through Ichigo's mental cursing at Byakuya and Soul Society, as Ururu and Jinta returned with a gigai that looked like the noble and a sizeable expensive looking travel bag.

Ichigo suddenly did a double take when he noticed the gigai more closely – Hahahahaha, WHAT was Urahara thinking? Did he do this intentionally?

Kuchiki Taichou had not taken notice yet, it seemed, for he was already in the process of entering the faux body for the purpose of his mission. Like all his actions, he proceeded with smoothness.

Ichigo suddenly found himself slightly breathless when the gigai came to life with Byakuya's soul form inside it. The eyes opened into the cold gray glint, and the head straightened up gracefully. Ichigo realized how young Byakuya looked without the captain's uniform and his aristocratic accessories. Without the kenseikan, Byakuya's silky black hair fell loosely upto his shoulders, with some of the long bangs falling over his face.

"Is the gigai satisfactory, Kuchiki taichou?" Urahara sounded rather devious. Ichigo knew why.

Byakuya was about to answer in a short affirmative, but then it hit him. The clothes on the gigai were preposterous! "What in the three worlds…."

As the noble's eyes widened noticeably with the shock of realization, Ichigo burst into hysterical laughter. It was too much really, seeing Byakuya dressed like this.

The tee-shirt was skin tight and orange. Very bright orange. The v-shaped neckline came way down into the chest revealing Byakuya's pale skin considerably. If that wasn't bad enough, there were the pants.

Byakuya's reiatsu flared obviously when he noticed the pants he was wearing on his gigai. What was this horrible shiny material? Leather? Byakuya was familiar with the most expensive leather goods in Soul Society. This cheap looking material could hardly be described as leather. The material was the least of the problems though. The fit of the pants was the biggest problem. Was it even possible to squeeze into, or out of, something so tight? Byakuya felt almost embarrassed at the relentless way the article of clothing was hugging his figure. To make it worse the pants hung low on his hips, dangerously so. Why did his clothing have to be so tacky, so cheap, so…revealing? How dare the shopkeeper disrespect him this way? He was Kuchiki Byakuya, the twenty-eighth head of the Kuchiki clan. He did not dress in so inappropriate a manner.

"Urahara Kisuke," Byakuya's voice sounded like he was about to release his bankai,

"How dareyou put such disgusting clothes on my gigai?"

"Oh my. And here I went through the trouble of getting the trendiest, sexiest clothes for you, Kuchiki-san." Urahara was probably laughing madly behind his fan.

Ichigo was laughing madly in plain sight.

Byakuya almost felt his eye twitch like it did when he lost his temper in his childhood.

"Urahara Kisuke, I refuse to wear these. They are cheap and ill fitted. And disturbing to look at. Orange is the worst possible colour I can think of."

"Hey!" Ichigo snapped at him. He was met with another gray glare.

"Urahara Kisuke, bring me a change of clothes." Byakuya's voice dripped with icy rage.

"I'm sorry Kuchiki Taichou, but these are the ones that came with your gigai. If you need more clothes you'll have to buy them yourself. Kurosaki san, I'll leave you to take him home. And you boys be nice to each other." With a snap of his fan and a chuckle, Urahara turned and entered the shop.

Ichigo was still laughing, and Byakuya stood in front of him arresting his rage and composing himself.

Despite their differences, and despite the absurdity of the situation, Ichigo had to admit to himself that Byakuya pulled off the horrible clothing with grace and sophistication that would have impossible for anyone else in the same outfit. It seemed there was something intrinsically elegant about this man. He also took notice of how fit and toned Byakuya's lean body was, the proportions perfect like the rest of his appearance. Ichigo did not like his thoughts going in this direction. Let alone any positive direction, as far as Byakuya was concerned.

With a look of exasperation at the laughing teen, Byakuya turned on his heel and faced in the direction towards the street, with his posh travel bag in hand.

"Kurosaki Ichigo," he said calmly for a man who was boiling with rage inside, "You will take me shopping."

"What? I couldn't be bothered, Byakuya." Ichigo wondered who this guy thought he was. Oh wait, he knew exactly who Byakuya thought he was, and would be glad if he was spared the lecture.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, I refuse to be in this outrageous outfit and I also cannot go on with one set of clothes. I am not familiar with this town. You will take me to the elite stores here, now."

That was probably as close to saying "Please" as Byakuya could get, thought Ichigo.

Perhaps out of pity for the noble – yes, that's what Ichigo was sure it was, pity – he decided to agree. Why else would he take a prissy ice prince shopping?

"Alright fine," he said. "But Byakuya…"

"What?"

"I know you like talking to people with your back to them, but that may not be a good idea in this outfit unless you wantthem to check out your ass."

Ichigo felt a flickering rise of reiatsu before Byakuya gave him a condescending and somewhat appalled look over his shoulder, and started walking onto the street.

Bursting into laughter again, Ichigo followed.

Maybe this will be somewhat fun after all, he thought.

Next chapter: Streets, Shops and Residences.