Tell You Time and Time Again

Chapter 2: Will Parker is as stupid with money as he is with love. Jesse St. James is just stupid.

x.x.x.x.x.x.

Jesse was a difficult creature to shake, even when he wasn't there in person, and she found out the hard way. Rachel spent the rest of her vacation in Columbus looking over her shoulder, almost sure she'd catch a glimpse of his curly hair sticking out from behind a bush or hear snatches of his voice travelling through the crowd. She never did, though her paranoia had her snapping her neck to the side to stare at random strangers more often than she was comfortable with. Her stomach would jump in anticipation, and once she determined that it wasn't him, she'd always berate herself for feeling hopeful.

She only wanted to finally have that confrontation with him, she decided, knowing that wasn't entirely the truth.

Once home in Lima the trend continued, but not as drastically. She only turned if someone really looked like him with a combination of his dark clothes and curly hair. Twice during the summer the figure would wink outrageously or give her a small salute of recognition, never venturing to make a connection. Once school started and summer merged into autumn, she still occasionally thought she saw him. It never was him, of course, because he was as far away from Lima as possibly while still staying in the USA and pursuing his dream. Rachel thought that might be one of the smartest things he'd ever done.

If she was Jesse St. James she'd stay in California and work on her career instead of coming back to Ohio, and she had family tethering her there, connections he never claimed to have. Without anyone to return for, he would be free to star in Christmas productions at UCLA or in Los Angeles itself, and a part of her knew that once he let go of Ohio he was gone for good. Despite how easy it would be to put his name into a search engine to see if it showed up in any Los Angeles playbills, she never did. Rachel told herself she couldn't be bothered, that she didn't care, but part of her enjoyed the fantasy that he was doing well. If Jesse could make it in the city where all talented people flocked with the hopes of being someone, then Rachel knew she could do the same.

("What are the chances that we'll both make it," she had asked him once, curled at his side on her bed as they listened to The Best of Sondheim. Her hand was gently resting on his diaphragm, internalizing the gentle rhythm of his breathing and feeling the vibrations as he softly sang along to the refrain of 'Johanna'. "We're both aware of the actual statistics of failure."

"High," he mused. "The fact that we are ridiculously attractive is seconded only by the fact we're ridiculously talented. I believe in myself and I believe in you. Listen carefully, I'm about to share with you the secret of gaining fame. You are the only thing that could possibly hold you back. If you believe you will be successful, Rachel, so will other people. If you spend too much time worrying about failure, they'll see that too and believe me when I say casting directors won't take a chance on someone who could fail."

"I'm not sure that's the secret to success," she mused. "It seems too simple."

"That's because it is simple," he responded confidently.)

So Rachel was kind of invested in the idea that he was somewhere making it and part of her was scared that he wasn't. She never actually pined for him, too busy being the perfect girlfriend to Finn and then too distracted by her attempts to get Finn back to really think about Jesse, but there were singular moments in time when she'd take a pause and something would make her think of him. Rachel knew that any day now Jesse St. James would be discovered walking around on the streets of Hollywood and some casting director would be attracted to his crazy-coiffed hair like a magpie to shiny things. She was just waiting for the day when she'd be standing in line at the grocery store with her soy ice cream only to find him on the front cover of USWeekly because he was 'dating' Miley Cyrus or something (this happens during her freshman year at university and by that point it's a relief to know he's labelled as a hot and upcoming single instead of attached to one of the dubiously talented young singers currently on the charts. She buys the magazine and gets a good laugh from the list of reasons why he's the perfect boyfriend).

She didn't expect to run into him in Claremore, Oklahoma (Oklahoma!) Christmas vacation of her junior year. She didn't expect to run into anyone in Claremore, Oklahoma, yet alone Jesse St. James. Her daddy was visiting an elderly aunt in Tulsa almost two decades after harsh words were exchanged between the two of them when he came out as being gay. Bridges like that didn't mend overnight, but they were both making an effort, which was more than a lot of either of her dads' families attempted. Rachel didn't resent her daddy for wanting that, but she would much rather be spending the precious week all three of them had off school and work on one of their annual trips to New York City, Hawaii, or London. Oklahoma wasn't exactly the epicentre of the Arts or enlightenment, despite the fact Oklahoma! had one of the most inspired dream-ballet sequences in the history of Broadway.

When her dad, growing as tired of deathbed vigils as Rachel was, suggested they take a day to travel to Claremore to see the location where the musical was based, Rachel jumped at the chance. Her dad wanted to do some research for the vaudeville course he taught at OSU, Lima Campus, claiming that so called amateur historians never provided accurate information without multiple phone calls, hounding, and extortion.

Rachel had no interest in seeing the Will Rogers Memorial Museum but there was only so much bad hospital coffee and staring at hotel room walls she could take.

The moment they arrived, Leroy wandered off towards the interior of the museum in search of whatever research he needed to do, which Rachel suspected was just a convenient excuse he would never admit to. Rachel went in the opposite direction, mostly to get a break from her dad. It was a dreary day, looking like it would rain at any moment and too warm for the snow she left behind in Ohio. The weather suited her mood, already dampened by her failed attempts to win Finn back and the last minute cancellation of their trip to Hawaii.

Her heart immediately jumped into her throat when she saw him staring at the Will Rogers Memorial looking thoughtful and more than a little bored. It wasn't possible that he was in pretty much the middle of nowhere, USA, at the same time she was, and she was almost convinced that he was a mirage brought on by her dad's dedication to singing both tenor and countertenor roles, neither in key, and questionable road-side diner iced tea.

"I should have known that salad wasn't organic," she muttered to herself with a frown, stepping forward and almost expecting him to shimmer out of existence or something equally as disturbing. He didn't. If anything, he looked even more solid and real in his black leather jacket and jeans. "I doubt you have to wait until you're dead," she informed him, understanding that he was wondering how to get his own memorial. She knew him because it would be what she'd be thinking right now if he wasn't between her and the idea of memorialized glory. She hid a weak smile as he turned and gaped at her, so shocked he allowed her to continue with her greeting without saying a word. "I hear Carmel is considering adding you to their statue of the shark eating the seal pup. You should contact them and let them know that you want to be eight feet tall and spearing the great white. Of course I don't condone the practice of shark spearing, but it's a terrible statue to begin with and you're just the type of villain who would kill an endangered species to become top of the food chain."

Jesse reached out a hand and poked her.

"What are you doing here, Jesse?" she asked, slapping his hand away as he attempted to prod her again. Her smile had disappeared along with her amusement at the fact she had actually managed to surprise him. She was back to feeling that simmering sensation of animosity and rage ready to snap forth and demand an explanation now that she was two for two on failed relationships (three if she counted Noah, which she didn't).

"I'm here filming an on-location Christmas version of Oklahoma!" he said without his usual pomp. "What are you doing here? You should be in London watching Deathtrap or Malibu catching a few rays."

"Hawaii. Daddy's aunt is dying and wants to make amends so we're here instead."

"Oh," he said. "That's a shame."

She nodded, not sure if he was talking about the loss of Hawaii or the loss of a relative. Considering how heartless he was, she assumed he meant Hawaii, but then Jesse had always been good at knowing the right words to say despite the fact she not-so-secretly suspected he was a sociopath. "Curly McLain?" she asked to fill the silence, taking a breath to prepare herself for the ultimate and final showdown between them as she sifted through the various accusations she could lead with.

"Actually no."

She grinned wryly, not surprised that he'd been cast as a villain. "I always did see you as more of a Jud Fry."

"I'm not him either. The director thought my talents were better suited to playing Will Parker." He ran his hand through his hair, shifting his stance so he wouldn't have to look at her. His gaze landed back on the statue and Rachel was beginning to see that he wasn't the same boy he'd been last year. He'd lost some of his confidence, and an undercurrent of fear shifted through her.

That finally gave her reason to pause and take stock. Lines like 'You bastard, you broke my heart' and 'One day when I'm famous and you're still struggling I'll give an in-depth interview on what a terrible person you are and have you blacklisted from every possible career-making venue so that you're stuck singing Happy Birthday to children at Chuck-E-Cheese' slipped from her mind.

Jesse playing the loving fool? "Your director is obviously insane."

"It's true. He's setting the movie right after the Oklahoma City Bombing. Jud's on the run from the police and Laurey is a beauty pageant contestant." He paused for effect. "Which makes sense since the actress is last year's Miss Oklahoma. The dream ballet is set to Silent Night."

"That sounds terrible," she expressed, mouth agape. Her aghast was palpable and honest.

"I know. I fully suspect that my performance will be the only redeemable part of the entire movie. That just means that I will shine all the brighter in comparison." The words were right, and so typically Jesse, so full of self-confidence and narcissistic tendencies that Rachel almost didn't notice that the tone was wrong.

"I'll buy it when it goes straight to DVD," Rachel promised with a smile.

Jesse groaned. "The director is also a friend of one of my professors at UCLA and I was hand-picked for the role. It's a huge honour." He sounded doubtful, which told her more than anything else he said what a huge disaster this movie probably was going to be. It hit her all at once that Jesse was putting on a facade, and not even a very good one. Either his acting had gotten worse, which she sincerely doubted, or he wanted her to find him out without ever speaking the words to her himself.

"Good for you," she told him firmly. "You must have worked really hard. I doubt many freshmen are handed roles in movies unless they've really earned it."

He smiled for the first time since she approached him, the corner of his mouth curving up just the slightest. "I did work hard," he told her. "I am working hard. Sometimes I just need a reminder that I still have three years left of college and I need to have patience."

Rachel nodded. Patience was never one of his virtues. Allowing scenes to act out, on the other hand, was something he was particularly good at. She realized as he pulled her back to sit on one of the benches surrounding the monument that she had just reassured Jesse about something that was bothering him instead of yelling at him about her broken heart. She still had a script where she demanded an apology from him and over the last year she had fine-tuned it into a cutting monologue. Now didn't seem the time and in front of a tomb didn't seem like the place and she found herself putting it off.

Suddenly, the locale made sense to her. Only Jesse would visit a memorial statue a few feet away from the tomb of someone with a modicum of fame to mourn the loss of his career in a highly dramatic but also highly personal and lonely fashion. Only Jesse, and possibly herself. "This is just the beginning, Jesse," she reassured him. "In five years when you're sitting across from Ellen or doing an interview for Broadway Magazine, it will be up to you whether you even mention this movie existed."

"I can now create myself an IMDB page and only after one term at UCLA," he mused with a sudden smirk, his shoulders straightening almost indiscernibly. "Give me another term and I'll probably be on Entertainment Tonight."

"That's what I like to hear," she responded automatically and then fell into silence.

Neither spoke, understanding that the only things left to say would break her sympathetic mood. Rachel searched for something, anything, that would keep her in the role of confidante, something she found to be surprisingly powerful considering Jesse's usual level of self-confidence. "Out of everyone I know, I would still bet on you," she finally settled on.

"I'm a sure bet," he told her, smirk now entirely cocky. Rachel searched his stance for any remnants of his previous mood, but either he was hiding it now or she had just managed to talk him out of a funk. It seemed ironic to her that in her mind he was one of her greatest foes, but she hadn't hesitated to reassure him when he seemed strangely vulnerable. Rachel wasn't sure she entirely understood: Jesse didn't get into moods, Jesse never lost sight of the importance of his career. It was the only thing about him in the afterwards that she could say with absolute surety and that she could actually respect. She felt like it was a possibility she'd been played, but more likely she thought the entire situation was incredibly extraordinary. Her mind couldn't help but go off on tangents of the possibilities of what might have happened if she hadn't shown up. He might have failed at becoming Jesse St. James. He might have allowed his one movie flop to define his entire career. He might have actually needed the reassurance that only Rachel could give him, and wasn't it serendipitous that she was actually there for him?

More than likely he would have snapped out of the mood after a Red Bull and a bag of Cheetos, a secret love of his he'd vehemently deny to his grave.

A big drop of rain landed on her nose and she looked to the sky as she impatiently whisked the water away.

"Well, it's been weird, Rach. Let's not do this again, especially in podunk little towns like this. The way you stalk me was cute at first, but now it makes me uncomfortable."

She gaped at him. "I'm not stalking you!"

"Uh huh. Hiram is in town to visit a dying aunt? That's not very clever or original, but I guess you always did have a thing for the classics."

"What?" she shrieked. That blinding fury was back, the monologue not forgotten.

"To be honest I thought you hated me so I'm a little surprised that you'd make the trip."

"I do hate you," she hissed, fingernails digging into the tender flesh of her palms.

Jesse chuckled, that infernal smirk on his lips as he patted her cheek softly, ignoring the obvious way she was glaring at him. "Aw sweetie," he said with just a hint of irony. "I love you too."

She made a strangled noise, unable to actually speak through her rage and incredulousness at his gall. Then he laughed, head thrown back in pleasure and the resonance tickled through her blood stream, the sound almost as beautiful as his singing voice. She was still frowning at him, but now her mouth was closed as she watched him.

Jesse shot her a look that was pure fondness, the same expression she had seen on his face so many times before. It couldn't be real, she'd convinced herself that it was just good acting, but it felt like truth. He leaned towards her and pressed his lips against the side of her head. It was almost raining in earnest now, both of them already slightly damp and Rachel was not looking forward to the pervading chill that would settle if she had to remain in these clothes until she and her dad got back to Tulsa. "I was just joking," he said, breath exhaling in warm puffs against her hair. "You can stalk me whenever you want."

"You're terrible," she muttered, but oh god, she was smiling. She honestly hated him a little for being able to do that to her.

"I'm fantastic and you know it," he said with a wink, standing and taking a step away from her.

Rachel wasn't sure what made her do it. Maybe it was the need for the tiniest bit of honesty between them, for him to understand everything he had bypassed with his blasé and cruel method of dumping her. Technically, they had never broken up. The words had never been said, though of course it was understood. Not even a blind, deaf fool could mistake the intent.

But she was surprised to find she'd been shaken by the hints of self-doubt in his stance earlier, far more than she let on.

"Jess," she said desperately, grabbing his wrist. "You've got to succeed." She could feel her throat closing with emotions and she blinked as she looked away, unable and unwilling to allow him to see. "If you don't... if you don't..." she let it hang, knowing he would understand. If you don't succeed, it will shake my faith in myself and my own ability to succeed. If you don't succeed, all your hard work, all your sacrifices and the pain will be for naught. If you don't succeed and you were telling the truth that day in the parking lot...

"I know," he said simply, trailing his fingers across the back of her hand before he left.

A/N: I almost wanted to put "WARNING: half this chapter is boring" at the beginning, but I was sure that would scare people away. I was given very good advice to get rid of it, but there are lines that don't seem like much now, but mean something to Rachel's future development, so... put up with the boring, ok?

Next Chapter - Summer between Rachel's junior and senior year.