Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans or the Titans, nor any Justice League members not currently tied up in the Rule #108. Thank You and see you there later.

The Titans Tower Mandatory Rule Book

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The Manual, Continued...

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"If you have read thus far, you are well on your way to becoming a Teen Titan, and we are only too happy to welcome you to the team. Please finish reading the rest of the Rules and Regulations, you're nearly there!"

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Rule #51:

Thanks to the immature antics of several older Titans, the following things must now be supervised:

a) Snowball fights

b) Water Fights

c) Pillow Fights

d) Anything involving Water-Balloons

e) Did I mention pillowfights…?

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Rule #52:

If you are in doubt as to whether or not to hop into a pool/body of water because the temperature is unknown, disregard any statement of the likeness to, "Come on in, the Water's Fine!" from Tempest.

The water is probably freezing; he just wants to see you scream/leap out or run shivering from the room… Atlanteans have thicker skin than a human's. They also have a strange sense of humour…

It's always the quiet ones…

That reminds me…I have to go and put a dead fish in a certain someone's room…as a Warning. –Red Arrow

Don't you da- ROY! Dammnit. -Nightwing

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Rule #53:

If it LOOKS like a dangerous substance (acid/chemical), and SMELLS like a Dangerous Substance… please do NOT attempt to make certain by seeing if it TASTES like a Dangerous Substance. Because really, …how on earth are you going to know what Sulphuric Acid [or any other chemical for that matter] tastes like, anyway?

Hey, that was ONE TIME… why'd you have to bring that up? –Red Arrow

My Point EXACTLY. -Nightwing

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Rule #54:

No Pets. Especially no Extra-terrestrial pets… this is directed at Starfire. I don't care how cute or 'adorable' the slobbering, wiggling giant slug-like thing is to you… it tends to eat people…

You can't keep it …Not even if you get it a collar…. Or call it "Carl"…

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Rule #55:

At no point will you EVER hear Cyborg say, "Bite My Shiny, Metal ASS!" so please stop asking him if he likes Futurama… You know he has access to all the rooms in the Tower, right?

As in, your room…

He also dislikes, "Danger, Will Robinson!" or any reference to Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. I have learned this the hard way… I was locked in the lift for a whole day with nothing but a 'PlayGirl' to read… -Red Arrow

You didn't HAVE to read it, you know… -Nightwing

No comment. –Red Arrow

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Rule #56:

If you are ever on an 'Off-World Mission', if you don't know what it is…don't touch it, pick it up, poke it, sit on it or lick it…

If it's still moving, don't eat it.

And above all, if someone's pouring sauce on you… you're probably about to be eaten, run if you can or call for help.

Dude, that week we spent on Tamaran? I could not for the life of me work out what was edible at that first feast… half of it moved and the rest was staring at me… I felt so guilty. At least, until Starfire showed us how it's done… -Red Arrow

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Rule #57:

If Red Arrow Hits ON you at any point, Hit him back… HARD.

Fair enough… but they all come crawling back at some point. –Red Arrow

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Rule #58:

Do not make the other Titans Cry, it's not very nice, nor is it good for Team Morale. Ravager, I'm talking to you… Miss Martian didn't realise that throwing a Pie at you wasn't Earth Humour; to be fair, she'd been watching the Three Stooges at the time, yelling at her was the wrong way to handle it.

Speaking of which…

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Rule #59:

If you don't want a Pie to the Face, don't let Miss Martian watch the Three Stooges.

Come to think of it, don't let her near any of the Scary Movies, Epic Movie or the Austin Powers Movies…

That is all.

Yeah, I think even I would need a new suit if I came out of my room to find 'Austin' at the Breakfast table… especially if he/she asked, "Are you Horny, baby?" –Red Arrow

Heh, we all know what the answer would be, though. You're breathing, aren't you? –Nightwing

Ouch… Wait here, I'm going to get my Tazer-Arrows. –Red Arrow

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Rule #60:

How do you know if Red Arrow is Horny? He's Breathing.

Take appropriate precautions.

I…will get you for that, Dick. –Red Arrow

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Rule #61:

No Alcohol in the Tower; same goes for non-prescription drugs, and we will demand proof of why you need them. Really, we shouldn't have to say it…but CERTAIN PEOPLE force our hands…

Oh come on, how was I to know you'd all mistake the Vodka in the fridge for water? –Red Arrow

…Because you put it in the container marked 'WATER', don't play innocent, we aren't completely stupid… -Nightwing.

I know… some parts are missing. Ha ha h-*Screaming* Alright, I take it back! But the four of you are really amusing when you're drunk… *More Screaming* -Red Arrow

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Rule #62:

No unauthorised Parties in the Tower, no surprise parties –without consulting the senior Titans about it, and definitely no impromptu Beach Parties on the Island without our say-so. For one, there's a lot of security measures you don't know about that could potentially kill you, especially on the beach…

And secondly, some Titans definitely do NOT enjoy surprise parties, ask us first and we can tell you who.

…Spoil Sport. –Red Arrow

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Rule #63:

Do not enter another Titan's Room unless asked, respect the privacy of others, as you would have them respect yours. This rule is doubly enforced if you ignore Rule #62 and hold a party, you are responsible for the guests and will be held accountable if someone's identity or belongings are misused/discovered/destroyed.

Yes, Kid Devil, I'm referring to YOUR Impromptu Tower Party…and the Guest that managed to get a hold of Wonder Girl's Underwear, she is not impressed and Wonder Woman would like a word… Please try not to stare at her 'eagle'.

You're one to talk… I saw the way you were looking at it the first time we met Wonder Woman… -Red Arrow

Roy, in case you forgot, we were ten…and that was EYE-HEIGHT! Where else was I supposed to look? –Nightwing

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Rule #64:

For the love of God, Zeus, X'hal and Spongebob…the next person to sing anything from ANY of the Muppets movies…will be summarily murdered. That is all.

That means you, Beast Boy.

"It's time to light the lights- URK!" –Red Arrow, singing.

You were warned. –Nightwing

Donna, HELP! –Red Arrow

You brought this on yourself… -Troia

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Rule #65:

For the information of those who do not yet know, the correct symbol for 'Privacy Please/Stay out of my Room' is a piece of your costume on the door; although we will accept a sock, or coat-hanger as immediate-to-hand/impromptu substitutes.

The reasoning is your own, whether you just don't want to be disturbed, or… anything else. Please be kind enough to synch any 'inter-personnel' activity at a time when those with super-hearing are not in the Tower… For obvious reasons.

Coming from YOU… considering you and Kori barely had the decency to hang a Batarang on the damn door… -Red Arrow

We never used a Batara-… Oh. That…wasn't… Kori….that time… And that isn't relevant, just as long as they're over the age of consent, we won't come kicking down your door. If they are, we will KILL you. –Nightwing

Wait, wait, WAIT… then who was in your r-…don't tell me it was Garth? –Red Arrow

I refuse to confirm or deny it was Tempest, deal with it. –Nightwing

I want the next rule. –Troia

All yours. –Nightwing

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Rule #66:

We have a fully-stocked medical facility in the Tower –and can beam to the Watchtower if necessary; please make use of it… or I come kicking down your door. Please do not attempt to conceal injuries, poisonings or illnesses… this is directed specifically at Nightwing, Red Arrow, Robin, and Ravager.

If I find out, myself or one of the others will be forced to punch our way through your wall… especially if you try to put a batarang on the damn door… it never works, we aren't that stupid. By the way, the Tower's identity scanners do a full biometric scan whenever you enter and exit the Tower…so we'll find out eventually, and if Cyborg finds out first, just start praying he sends ME to get you.

If he has to do it himself… well, that can be a terrifying experience. -Troia

You enjoy putting the 'fear of God' -or should I say 'Terror of Cyborg'- into people, don't you…? And I totally disagree, there are some things you can deal with yourself… -Nightwing

Dude, you almost died…more than once, is being stubborn INGRAINED into each Robin? –Red Arrow

Almost being the operative word there… as Captain Janeway of the Starship: Voyager once said, "Almost only counts in Horseshoes and Hand grenades." -Nightwing

He is correct, Dick, you are reckless and even though we love you, you do tend to be a little bit of an idiot when it comes to your own welfare. We do not need more Titans following that example…although, Roy is as much a danger to himself as you are. Though you are also correct, I do enjoy letting them know the consequences of their actions, and warning them they may have to have a surprise roommate until the giant hole in their wall can be repaired… -Troia

You are SCARY when you want to be…you do know that, right? –Red Arrow

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Rule #67:

Superheroes Die.

That is a fact of life, and just because they occasionally come BACK to Life, does not mean you can get out of going to the funeral… "They'll turn up in the next week or so…" is not a good enough excuse.

You WILL go, and you WILL be on your best behaviour… and if I ever catch Ravager- uh, someone, teasing another hero for crying, I will push them into a Volcano… or come and visit them, in the dark of night when no one can hear you scream…

Dude, I will give you whatever you want to NEVER say it like that again… I'm serious! Excuse me, I need new Spandex tights… -Red Arrow

*Giggling* -Troia

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Rule #68:

Just because the bad guy LOOKS down for the count/dead… does not mean you should do any of the following:

a) Prod them with your foot/a stick

b) Shake them with your hand

c) Attempt to get a picture of yourself with them, in any position –compromising or otherwise.

d) Kiss them… Yes, Beast Boy, we all know Poison Ivy had you hooked on something, but it was still hilarious. For anyone who wants a copy of the photo… come and see me.

e) Use the phrase, "I wonder what they taste like with Gravy…" because, really, that's just creepy…

f) Anything involving costumes, make up or duct tape.

e) Anything that will come back to haunt you when next you face them… because they will get revenge.

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Rule #69:

The Hall of Fallen Titans, the one full of statues…do NOT mess around with that, it's a Memorial and Tribute to your predecessors who fought to protect our world and its inhabitants; putting them in costume, spray-painting them in any manner or even just attaching jewellery is considered a big NO-NO.

Any of the other Titans can and WILL take offence to it…

And believe me, you'll be on your own against them all…

I'd just like to say, that was rather dark, but accurate, I will kill whomsoever does ANYTHING to the Hall, and if I find who defaced Tula/Aquagirl's statue with that green paint…may Hera help you! Especially when Tempest finds you…
Uh, Dick? You know I still have a statue in there…is there any chance it could be removed? -Troia

Nope, sorry. You technically died, therefore the statue stands… you know Wonder Girl was always in there, speaking to it… as were we all at some point, if there was any incessant whining at any point, Red Arrow apologises. –Nightwing

I HEARD THAT! Wait there! I'm getting my Bow! –Red Arrow

*Laughter*

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Rule #70:

Beast Boy is no longer allowed to purchase or have on his person the following:

a) Lubricants

b) Rope and/or Chain

c) Screws

d) Tie Downs

e) A Garden Hose

f) A Combination of any of the above.

Seriously, we still can't find the last new Titans Initiates… whose disappearances coincided with a certain changeling buying the above mentioned items; we don't know what he did with them, and really…we don't WANT to know. Though we'd rather like them back…

But for your own safety, if he's coming your way… RUN.

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Rule #71:

If it LOOKS like it's sharp, dangerous, pointy, poisonous or lethal… it probably is. Touching it, picking it up or –Gods forbid- licking it (Beast Boy) is probably a bad idea…

Damn that was funny… He totally thought we were characters from cartoons…-Red Arrow

Speak for yourself, 'Ron Stoppable'… He did nearly die, that toad-cross-grizzly bear things WAS covered in Toxic blue fur… -Nightwing

Wonder why he decided to lick it, then? Pfft, you're just jealous that you had to be a girl, 'Kim Possible'… I will never forget the horrified look on your face. You know, more people mistake you for a girl than don't… -Red Arrow

Donna, take over… I think I need to go toss him off the Tower Roof… COME BACK HERE! –Nightwing

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Rule #72:

If it APPEARS that your teammates have all begun singing, you've probably taken a nasty hit to the head and have a concussion… Please tell someone, so we can grab a video camera…that would be PRICELESS… like the day the Flash and the Justice League made their own Musical after Lex Luthor screwed up their brain's speech center. HILARIOUS.

Uh, of course I mean… you are probably in danger of harming yourself further –even if it is only dying of embarrassment- so please let us know, and after a small Q & A session to determine who you think sings the best, we will get you all the appropriate medical care we can.

-Troia

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Rule #73:

No Dubstep in the Tower, unless you want Superboy to destroy your stereos… he just doesn't like it apparently. On a more personal note, if ANYONE brings a Justin Beiber CD into this tower, *I* will kill you… same goes for anyone who feels suicidal enough to play that awful 'Friday' song end to end, without pause.

I will not stand for this, not in the least, it is torture to me… -Troia

We *wheeze* all feel *pant, gasp, Ow* that way… *groan* about that *curse word* freaking song, Donna. –Red Arrow

Roy! What the Hades happened to YOU? –Troia

Short Pants… had a small issue… with being *whine* called a lady… heh, *wince* 'Dude looks like a lady!' –Red Arrow

He never learns… I give up. –Nightwing

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Rule #74:

Yes, we understand there is Fanfiction out there about us, the Titans, and the individual heroes… and we are doing our damn best to ignore it. Just because you THINK it would be a cute pairing, does not mean you can play matchmaker, EVER.

But what about that one with Donna, you an Kori-… -Red Arrow

EVER. –Nightwing.

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Rule #75:

Any little feuds and issues you are having with each other ends here in the Tower, when you go to handle an emergency or situation, you do it as a Team. A United Front. You don't deliberately allow another team member take an energy blast to the back -if you're supposed to be protecting it-, because you're ticked off at them. That's not how the Titans work, if we find out that's what happened, you will be so far down Shit Creek, even discovering a paddle won't save you…

Did you just…say-…? –Red Arrow

Quiet you, you're the one I'm mad at. –Nightwing

To be fair, I thought you and Donna were…you know, and I thought if you were out of the picture… -Red Arrow

So shoving a teammate into oncoming fire was the only option? She's more like a sister than anyone else has ever been, to think anything else… is just wrong… -Nightwing

Dude, we were teens… and I- …actually, I never did apologise for that. Fine… *sigh* I'm sorry I tried to kill you by throwing you in the path of that giant laser…thingy. Happy? –Red Arrow

No… but the urge to kill you has lessened. –Nightwing

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Rule #76:

Halloween is a tricky time at the Tower… given that we wear spandex and costumes pretty much eighty-percent (80%) of the time… most just decide to go casual for the day. Masks are optional if you feel you need them. However, if you feel dressing-up is in order… please avoid anything too… slutty. Just because you think it would be 'hilarious' if the media got a shot of you in your mask, dressed like a stripper, giving one of the other Titans a lapdance… does not mean it is.

We work hard enough to keep them off our backs as it is, and that is not the kind of publicity we need.

Oh, don't worry, I'll make sure anyone who infringes this rule is …Severely… punished. –Red Arrow

You ARE the reason I worry! –Nightwing

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Rule #77:

If Miss Martian disobeys Rule #33 and cooks you something, and that something is:

a) Moving

b) On FIRE

c) Unidentifiable

d) A Burnt-looking liquid she insists is a solid food

e) Anything that tries to bite you back

The correct procedure is to politely decline, not…as Red Arrow, Beast Boy and Kid Flash have demonstrated… to run away, arms flailing, screaming "It's GONNA EAT ME!" at the top of your/their lungs.

You will hurt her feelings…

In which case we then will be forced to hurt YOU in retaliation.

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Rule #78:

Stealing The Original Batmobile, or any of the others, is frowned upon. Robin, this refers to you…Batman was not pleased to find one of the Batmobiles so far from Gotham without his knowledge…and I wasn't too crazy about playing interference on that one, either.

Don't do it again.

Whoa, hang on, Mr Hypocrite… HOW many 'Others' are we talking here? Ten? Twenty? –Red Arrow

Closer to a hundred and fifty than two hundred, actually. And I only told you that story in confidence, I Deliberately took it to piss him off… crashed it and got the double pissed-off Bats Bonus. But that is not the point here… -Nightwing

*Much gasping*

You crashed one of the nearly two hundred Batmobiles? Deliberately? How are you still alive?- Red Arrow

'So not the Drama here.' –Nightwing

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Rule #79:

If, being suicidal, you disregard Rule #78, for the love of all that's Holy, DON'T LET KID FLASH DRIVE! He nearly killed all the Teen Titans…

Actually, let's just make this 'Never let Kid Flash drive ANYTHING.'

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Rule #80:

No one, but NO ONE is to use either the Stolen Batmobile [refer to Rule #78, and disregard] or the T-Car, as a prop for the song "Grease Lightning"…

Just…NO.

Nor are you allowed to pull any prank involving any form of grease and the super-powered pair, Thunder and/or Lightning… You'll probably end up blind, deaf, mildly toasted or extra crispy…if you live.

Damn that was funny… Thanks for saving my butt, by the way. –Red Arrow

"Always" –Nightwing

Are you going to keep throwing random quotes at me? –Red Arrow

"After all this time?" –Nightwing

That's it, next Rule's mine! –Red Arrow.

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Rule #81:

Nightwing is no longer allowed to use quotes to answer straight questions… Damn, I need a drink, this is driving me nuts! –Red Arrow

"Why is the Rum gone?" –Nightwing

Alright, that's it, I'm sure I have a Tazer-arrow in here SOMEWHERE! –Red Arrow

*Laughter receding*

Ugh, Boys… Why did I leave Themyscira? –Troia

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Rule #82:

Just because you beg, whine, plead and otherwise bribe, Wonder Girl and I CANNOT and WILL NOT take you to Themyscira. It is forbidden by the Goddesses, and we'd lose our strength or something… I wasn't really paying attention when they explained it that one time.

Just don't ask.

I don't care if you'd like to see the architecture, or study the 'natives'… you think I don't read through the platitudes to see the truth? You just want to ogle my naked sisters, and while they would probably be okay with that… most men are not allowed on Themyscira. There are exceptions… but you are not one of them. Deal with it.

-Troia

To be fair, you are all REALLY Hot… -Red Arrow

Where is Dick? –Troia

Here. He missed… well, mostly, my arm's asleep at the moment...good rule, though. That reminds me… –Nightwing.

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Rule #83:

Titans, Teen or Otherwise are to Stay Out of both Bludhaven and Gotham City, unless one of the BatClan specifically ASKS for your help…

Which you won't because you are all incredibly stubborn. –Red Arrow

Pot calling the Kettle black, there, isn't it, Roy? –Troia

Quiet, you…not helping. –Red Arrow

"Hakuna Matata" –Nightwing

Just because I'm all outta Taser Arrows doesn't mean I can't find something similar. Anyway, you know we tend to kick down the walls and march in to help whether you like it or not! Deal with it… and you tell Batman he can kiss my lily-white- … -Red Arrow

He's behind you. –Nightwing

*Girlish Scream* Oh ha-freakin'-HA, very funny. –Red Arrow

*Troia laughing*

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Rule # 84:

For the last time, just because the Tower's getting a little full, does NOT mean we are going to let you have a free-for-all fight to the death for the right to be here. I don't care how exciting the Hunger Games are…the Titans will not be doing any such thing, got it?

Oh come on, 'Wing. What, scared you'd lose to Me? –Red Arrow

No, I could outlast you without any undue effort…I will admit to being scared of having to take on her, though. I don't think they have pancake shaped coffins available… -Nightwing

Oh, I wouldn't kill you, but Roy? Different story… I think Wally'd win, he's too hard to catch… although, he'd run out of stamina at some point. Not to mention if we were in a desert arena Garth wouldn't last long, and I don't think he'd kill any of us outright even if it was an Ocean Arena… Roy would go in minutes, but finding you would be damned hard… if there was any form of cover… -Troia

Are we…seriously discussing how we would kill each other in the Titans Hunger Games? –Red Arrow *horrified*

I think so… As long as I don't die first, I'll be pleased. That would be awkward, Batman would spend years trying to find a way to bring me back… only to kill me again for screwing up. –Nightwing

Surely Batman is not that uptigh-… I take that back. He is, I pity you… you know, you could always ask Hera to make you the real 'Boy Wonder'… -Troia

*laughter* Sorry Donna, but I think our outfits might clash… Imagine turning up to a battle in the same thing! Scandalous! –Nightwing

Alright, you're both mad. –Red Arrow

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Rule #84:

There are to be no more Prank Wars in the Tower, it took far too long to fix it the last time, and I don't think poor Marvin and Wendy can take it… In fact, the Tower's Caretakers have requested we kill at least twelve of you. Beast Boy accounted for six of the names on the list… so that really means six of you will be surreptitiously 'vanished' in the night.

Ask no Questions, and you may live. –Red Arrow

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Rule #85:

Stay out of Starfire's Garden!

There are many, many weird and wonderful things growing in it, and most of them are alien in origin, meaning that half of them are dangerous, and the rest are potentially poisonous. As long as you don't eat them…or get too close…you should be fine, but don't take any unnecessary risks.

There is a giant purple daffodil in that garden that HAS IT IN FOR ME! It tried to EAT ME last time I walked through there, Garth and Wally had to alternately fight it and vibrate me out of it! –Red Arrow

There we go, Titans, Proof. Stay out of the Gardens. –Nightwing.

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Rule #86:

The Third Floor Corridor is out of Bounds to Teen Titans, except to those who wish to suffer a most…painful death.

Whoa, whoa, WHOA… what's on the Third Floor? –Red Arrow

Nothing, but I've always wanted to say that… Dumbledore got away with it. –Nightwing

*Sound of a facepalm*

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Rule #87:

It is guaranteed that you will most likely see each and Every member of your team nude/naked at some time, act mature about it. Here is a list of likely scenarios:

a) Before a mission, gearing up has to be done quickly if you are not already in costume. Sometimes you see things, just try to imagine you're changing in the same room as your siblings, any unfortunate… 'excitement' will die down rather quickly.

b) The Group Showers – Yes, there are group showers, but everyone has access to it at any time, so please… refrain from any activities that might be considered embarrassing to you/interesting enough to mention at the Titans Christmas Party. These facilities are generally used if your own private bathrooms are out of commission, or you all need to talk after a mission.

c) In the Swimming Pool – as we said, Tempest/Atlanteans in general, don't like swimsuits, you have been warned.

d) Supervillains. No, in general they don't go about nude…but some of them do have a strange preoccupation with capturing superheroes, then –rather than spending the time we're unconscious to take our masks off and maybe run some DNA or fingerprints to work out secret identities- strip us/you off and strap you into giant machines. There really is no explanation…

I wish I was kidding, believe me. It's happened, what, four times?

Five, but Six if you count that strange naked Universe we ended up in… -Red Arrow

Trust me when I say, I have blocked that out of memory…indefinitely. –Nightwing

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Rule #88:

Just because you're in the Infirmary against your will, does not mean you can cure any resulting boredom by hacking into the security system. Robin, I know it was you. But ten points to Gryffindor for setting the Fire Response system to take out Red Arrow on sight, that was too awesome for words.

You are incorrigible. We're supposed to be discouraging them from such things… but what can we expect? You did re-route the cable through the Infirmary Monitor, so you wouldn't miss that 'SUPERNATURAL' show you love so much. Why are all of those from Gotham so dark and vaguely disturbing with their humour and tastes? –Troia

For your information, Donna, that show is awesome. Although, if you'll excuse me… I have to go see a bird about a fire-extinguisher-to-the-face… -Red Arrow

Don't you touch him, Roy! *metallic clang, body thuds to floor* -Nightwing

You could have just tripped him up, there was no need to use a batarang… -Troia

Oh, and you would have thought rationally if someone had threatened Wonder Girl…? –Nightwing

Point Taken. –Troia

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Rule #89:

I don't care if your powers ARE Elemental [Earth, Fire, Water, Air] you are not a 'Bender'…

Yes, we all saw the movie [even if the cartoon was way better], and No, it does not mean you can suddenly burst out into strange pirouettes and leaps during battle. It was awkward enough watching the main character doing it for ten minutes just to get a small whip of water… besides, just because the villains in the movie waited for him to finish before attacking, does not mean real super villains will.

Your ass will be handed to you, to put it in a manner you will understand. Then someone has to come and save you… which detracts from what the rest of us are doing. So, to reiterate, YOU ARE NOT A BENDER.

*groan* Ow, what hit me? –Red Arrow

Shhhh! Ten points from Hufflepuff. –Nightwing

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Rule #90:

Mission Reports.

They are IMPORTANT people, so PLEASE try to write them up as efficiently and correctly as possible… this, of course, means without embellishment. Otherwise known as, 'if it didn't happen, don't put it in there' a fairly simple concept, even for Beast Boy to grasp.

I can and will kill you if I find you've attempted to file any/or anything similar to, one of the following [Real examples]:

a) "In a Galaxy Far, Far Away… we crashed the T-Jet. Sorry." Filed by Kid Devil and Ravager

b) "These adventurers on the Starship Enterprise are on a five-year mission to explore new worlds… unlike us, who were on a two hour mission to the Watchtower…and had a little accident. Superman wants to speak to you ASAP." Filed by Beast Boy, Beetle and Red Arrow

c) "Why is the Rum Always Gone? A twelve-point analysis…
Number One: Nightwing keeps hiding it…" Filed by a suicidal Red Arrow, when he was SUPPOSED to be reporting on the training of new recruits…

d) " SPARTANS… Tonight, we dine… IN HELL! Luckily we cancelled there and instead decided to throw Troia a Surprise Party in the Titan's Lounge… uh, we may need new drapes, because I accidentally set them alight. But she liked it!" Filed by Kid Devil

e) "Oh Pinkie Pie, you are SO Random! Speaking of Random, Zatara and I had a little magical accident, and now the Blender is trying to kill us… any chance someone could come and help before he convinces the washing machine to break the door do- Oh damn. HURRY! PLEASE?" Filed by Beast Boy.

As you can see, these are not the correct mission reports, and while entertaining, tell us nothing really. Templates can be found in the main computer under 'Missions – Report –Accident/Successful/Had Our Butts Kicked' No, I'm not kidding… *sigh* I let Red Arrow use the Computer unsupervised for one minute…and this happened. Never Again.

Oh you love it, don't lie. –Red Arrow

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Rule #91:

Attempting to hide a Surprise Party by putting a sock/Coathanger/piece of your costume on any and all of the doors surrounding the Common Room and/or lounge… is both infuriating and rather pointless.

Some of us will come in through the roof if we have to.

Can I have the next Rule? –Red Arrow

Sure. But I'm watching you… -Nightwing

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Rule #92:

Certain members of the Titans are a little mad with power, so you can and WILL be sorted into a Hogwarts house upon entering the Tower… I'm still ticked I was put in Hufflepuff, I KNOW I'm a Slytherin. Long story sort [see what I did there?], you're stuck with it… -Red Arrow

Alright, you win, I only put you in Hufflepuff to annoy you… SLYTHERIN! Feel better…? –Nightwing

Much. –Red Arrow

Awww, but we were 'Puff buddies! –Troia

~)0(~

Rule #93:

Speaking of Rule #92, you will notice this House is mentioned on your Titans file –it's perplexing the Justice League, so don't say anything to them, well…I think Batman knows, but he knows everything about everybody. So it doesn't count if he knows. All the Original and older Titans have access to these files, which means if you screw up, there's a significant chance you will hear, "Ten points from Hufflepuff/Gryffindor/Slytherin/Ravenclaw!" depending on your house. –Red Arrow

There is, however, equal opportunity to earn points for your house… For example, if you performed well in battle, or we just find you to be doing well in the tower, we can award points too… Your 'House' gets to have a massive party if you win…it's a bi-monthly thing, so you can win the 'House Cup' every two months. It's quite fun, but you should know, Gryffindor almost always wins… we're just too awesome. –Nightwing

Why don't you say that to my Hufflepuff fists? –Troia

Run, 'Wing! –Red Arrow

Can't… want to, but can't. We're supposed to be brave, I don't think 'running away' is in the Gryffindor Creed. –Nightwing

*Hole punched in wall*

Missed. –Nightwing

Then stand still! –Troia

As a Slytherin, I would just like to say, you are BOTH mad and I'm getting out of here! –Red Arrow

~)0(~

Rule #94:

Parachuting, Base-Jumping, or anything involving jumping off the Tower without proper safety precautions, will get you 'Grounded', and believe me, you do NOT want to see Cyborg's "Detention Room".

That place scares me… all those shackles… -Red Arrow

~)0(~

Rule #95:

We are both a Team and a Family, this means if you know something about another member that is affecting them/likely to put them in danger, come and see one of us. The older Titans –apart from Beast Boy- are built with an extra dose of discretion.

Divulging they might be significantly injured [Refer to Rule #66], is not 'snitching on them', no matter what they say; it's for their own good, which supercedes their own privacy. However, if you continuously come and complain someone is hogging all the peanut butter, or won't let you change the channels to watch any of the Muppet movies…. That is tattling, and we will kill you for it.

Besides, any older Titan in the room always gets first choice of what to watch… so dibs SUPERNATURAL.

~)0(~

Rule #96:

The Porn Channel/s have been Scrambled/locked/blocked on the cable, deal with it, we have younger Titans and children here sometimes. Any attempt to unscramble or interfere with it will set off an alarm in Cyborg's neural processor… believe me, you do NOT want to mess with the guy who single-handedly controls Titans Tower.

And yes, it will still set off if you attempt it at Superspeed… FLASH. So Kid Flash, don't even try it, no matter WHAT theory Robin is spouting at you. Remember you Teen Titans, Superboy is only technically a two-year old…

So…what's the code to Unlock it? Between you and me… -Red Arrow

Well, it's-… yeah, no, Had you going there for a second though. –Nightwing

~)0(~

Rule #97:

As awesome as it would be, there will be NO pestering our Telekinetic members to try and convince them to levitate the correct amount of balls, brooms and you for a game of Quidditch… so stop asking, Miss Martian doesn't like saying no, so we're doing it for her.

But if you're all REALLY good, we'll try and talk the Justice League into letting us use their holo-battle simulator for a game, or ten. So play nicely…

Oh My god, YES! I mean, uh, Bribery? Really, short-pants? Didn't think you had it in you… -Red Arrow

Well, normally I prefer to hold the offending party upside down off a rooftop, but sometimes bribery works. Now, about you always eating all the cereal…–Nightwing

I'll be GOOD! –Red Arrow

~)0(~

Rule #98:

You are NOT a Demon Hunter… and as such, the following things are out-of-bounds:

a) Throwing Salt or 'Holy Water' at Kid Devil –he really doesn't think it's half as funny as you do, believe us.

b) Telling the newer Titans there is a Wendigo in the woods, before the annual Nature Training Exercises. It's not fair, and you really did scare Starfire…

c) Attempting to get Miss Martian to take on the shape of any of the creatures from the show, SUPERNATURAL.

d) Kid Flash, for the last time, Artemis doesn't think your attempt to 'exorcise the bitch outta her' was funny, and would like to mount your head on a stick. Wherever you are hiding, stay there!

e) Hawkgirl is Thanagarian, AND part of the Justice League… NOT an ANGEL. Do you REALLY want to annoy a woman who can whack you into the next century with her Nth Metal Mace, just for a few feathers? Yes, actual angel feathers are great talismans and ward off harm, but I can assure you… trying to take a Thanagarian's feathers would probably be the opposite. We'd never see you alive again…

f) You can roleplay WHATEVER YOU LIKE in your rooms, as long as you are over the age of consent, but for the love of X'hal PLEASE refrain from doing any Sam-slash-Dean ANYTHING out in the open spaces… where other Titans who are younger and more impressionable could see.

g) Do not intentionally get Miss Martian mad so she will throw you about with her telekinesis…yes, it is rather cool that you're currently pinned to the ceiling like in the show, but referring to them as her 'freaky demon powers' won't help your situation at all…

h) Anyone found trying to re-enact the Yellow-eyed demon scene around Red Arrow's Daughter will be summarily murdered, it isn't sanitary to feed a child blood –demon or otherwise.

i) Yes, Beast Boy is a Changeling, but that does not translate to 'Shape Shifter' or 'Flesh-Walker' please refrain from trying to stab him with Silver Knives. He's getting upset, and so is Cyborg… who will probably electrocute your toilet seat if he has to…

j) If you are caught naked in the hallways without reason at any point, for the love of X'hal, PLEASE do not pretend to be a 'Cherub' and HUG the apprehending Titan. It's…seriously disturbing hugging a naked person…

k) No matter what you say, you are NOT God. Deal with it.

l) Make a 'deal' at a crossroads with a strange-eyed woman at midnight, sealed with a long kiss, and the first thing you'll do a the Tower is take an STD test to see if she really did 'Give' you something.

m) No, for the last time [unnamed Titans I have already talked to], you do NOT have the One-and-Only Legendary Colt, and it is most certainly NOT in your pants.

n) Beast Boy isn't a werewolf either, leave him alone.

o) Just because they're pale, ridiculously attractive and are awake all night long doesn't mean that Nightwing and Robin are Vampires, despite what Beast Boy says… Stop trying to stake them. –Red Arrow

p) Yes, Batman actually has a Soul. Please stop insinuating otherwise.

q) The next person to use the phrase, "I need to make a phone-call…" and brings out a cup and/or knife, will be put in the Detention Room. Ravager, I'm talking to you, even Tempest thought you were serious.

r) ATLANTEAN. Not 'evil ghost that drowns people in strange places'… Leave Tempest alone, all of you. The next one I catch trying to 'exorcise' him, will be forcibly drowned in the pool, by myself. Try and exorcise me… I dare you.

s) Whoever has been drawing 'Devil's Traps' [the circle/pentagram] on the ceiling, floor, walls and windows… either identify yourself or stop it. Marvin and Wendy, our Tower Caretakers, are getting sick of washing them off. What exactly do you hope to achieve anyway?

t) Speaking of strange symbols and sigils, I don't know who is making anti-angel symbols on the windows in blood, but it has to stop; not only is it not hygienic, but it's also a tad concerning… But don't worry, Cyborg's reviewing the security tapes now… so we'll see you shortly.

u) Again, NOT a Vampire. If you try to 'stake' me again, Ravager… I will be forced to hurt you.

v) If you DO somehow accidentally set off the Apocalypse, please let someone in the Older Titans know, we do have a bit of experience in stopping that sort of thing, far too much, if you ask me. Nonetheless, you cannot screw up more than we can fix.

w) Trying to get out of training sessions or missions by Faking Demon Possession, is generally frowned up, especially if you get another team member to write you a sick note.

x) Zombies do not currently exist, but please try not to get confused –which is easily done after five pm- when you see the shuffling hordes of people leaving for home at the end of the day, nor those in the morning on the way to their jobs. Although, there is the old saying, "Remember, it's not murder, they work in cubicles…they're already dead inside." Maybe there are such things as the Living Dead?

y) Kid Flash can stop playing 'ghost' it's getting annoying, just because you CAN flicker in and out of existence and take things in a split-second, does not mean you SHOULD. Don't make me call Wally, because he won't be pleased…

z) And finally. If it looks like the world is going to hell, with fire in the skies, people screaming for mercy, and countless dying on the streets… Where demons and ghouls run rampant, probably Trigon has reappeared and the Justice League is (as always) mysteriously absent during the Crisis… It's obviously Tuesday. You'll get used to it eventually.

Those are the rules, break them and I WILL try to exorcise you… out a window, regardless of whether you can fly or not.

He will do it, trust me. –Red Arrow

Next time, I will not catch whomever it is… Think on that before you try any of these…-Troia

~)0(~

Rule #99:

Supervillains you think are dead have an unerringly annoying way of coming back to life… be prepared for it, they usually hold a grudge against the Titans, for obvious reasons.

Try not to antagonise them more than necessary…

Oh, like you're one to talk… all those puns… -Red Arrow

Roy needs to be very quiet right now… -Nightwing

~)0(~

Rule #100:

At some point, a friend or teammate IS going to push you out of the way of something potentially lethal… it happens, because that's what families do, protect each other. Never feel guilty, because someday you will return the favour.

You will feel awful that someone else is injured, though… believe me, but on any given day, you're just as likely to throw yourself in the line of fire for your teammates and friends. –Red Arrow

That was…surprisingly profound, Roy… if that is your real name! Who are you and what did you do to the real Red Arrow? –Nightwing

*Laughter* I blame Donna! Besides, I really mean it this time… you and Donna have saved my ass almost as many times as I've returned the favour… I guess I never realised how much you meant to me before. –Red Arrow

Awww! Chick flick moment, come and get a hug! –Troia

Well, things just got awkward… -Nightwing

You're invited too! –Troia

Help me… -Red Arrow

Mmm…no thanks, I've got to finish the ru- Urk! –Nightwing

Hahahahaha, cute how you think you get a choice… -Troia

~)0(~

Rule #101:

If it's in the fridge and has a name that is NOT yours on it, do not eat it. To further off-put you from the idea of stealing food, sometimes Cyborg or Robin leave some of their experiments in the fridge, under their names…but occasionally they borrow other people's containers (with permission, of course). So unless you know what's in it… don't take a bite.

…I turned fluro pink for a week and a half after stealing some of Donna's so-called 'jello'…which it turns out was a new edible chemical compound that Cyborg was testing, trying to make an 'invisibility pill' or something. –Red Arrow

Funny though… -Nightwing

~)0(~

Rule #102:

Refrain from mocking anyone's accent/s. If we catch you, you will have your ass soundly kicked in an 'All Titans vs YOU specifically' Training session.

Yes, Atlanteans have a distinctive intonation… as do Tamaraneans… but there's no need to mock them for it, and I will kill you if you do so! -Troia

~)0(~

Rule #103:

Trigon does tend to come back to life, a LOT… it's one of those things that kind of ends up getting marked on the Team Calendar, well, mostly…it's a little hard to predict the WHEN but you know he'll be back.

~)0(~

Rule #104:

Same goes for Brother Blood, except I'm certain it's less that he can 'defy the gods and live forever in the Church of Blood' and more, 'all the worshippers are kids who obviously aren't smart enough to realise they've been passing the Brother Blood title down the bloodline for the last several hundred years'. Yes, the new Blood is all of thirteen, but he can open a Hell-dimension… so making Beiber jokes at him [despite the ridiculous haircut that just screams, "Mock Me!"], probably isn't the best idea…

Heh heh heh… That kid seriously needs a time-out, though. I'd love to give him a good spanking. –Red Arrow

~)0(~

Rule #105:

Ignore the Damn Statue outside. That is all.

You really don't like it, do you? –Red Arrow

No. It feels wrong to have it there… we were only a bunch of kids, trying to break away from what the adults wanted… the younger Titans take one look at that stupid statue and glorify all the tales of our so-called 'adventures'… We're just like them, and we made mistakes… that monument doesn't show any of that. –Nightwing

I do understand what you mean, Dick. When Cassie first came here, with the others, she told me the statue made her feel small… like we were untouchable gods, whose example she needed to live up to… but I like the statue. It reminds us of our past…and our inability to colour coordinate. –Troia

But still… I don't like it. –Nightwing

Pffft, you know as well as I do that the new Teen titans love and worship you like the rest of us did… and it's nice to feel like someone cared about what we did back then, what with the league not giving a damn at all. Where's the harm if they idolise us a little? Heh, Hero-worship, how true… -Red Arrow

Roy…did you just…make a punny? –Troia

He…did. Then again, he's not complaining merely because this situation is feeding his massive ego, like fuel to fire… I give up, but one day you'll all have your backs turned, and BOOM it'll be gone. Trust me. –Nightwing

~)0(~

Rule #106:

Nightwing is no longer allowed unsupervised near the Original Titans Statue out the front of the Tower. Hah, now you CAN'T destroy it! –Red Arrow

You know they'd have to FIND me first, right? –Nightwing

Dammnit. –Red Arrow

~)0(~

Rule #107:

It is highly insensitive to attend the scene of a murder with the specific purpose of making a pun about said murder, slipping on sunglasses and posing affectedly while someone else yells, "AWW YEAH!"

You will be going in the Detention Room straight away when we get home young man or young lady!

~)0(~

Rule #108:

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a Secret Titans Sex dungeon… believe us, we've checked the Tower from top to bottom [after the loss of our previous Titans Initiates, at Beast Boy's hands], and found nothing. If you do discover something untoward in a secret room that fits the above description… please run for your life and find one of the older Titans.

What about the one in-…? –Troia

Donna, Shhh! They aren't supposed to know about THAT one… -Red Arrow

Oh… in that case, "That Isn't the Secret Titans Sex Dungeon, you are looking for!" …better? –Troia

*Sound of Facepalm*

~)0(~

Rule #109:

Just because you are not affiliated with another Hero [for example, Superboy to Superman, Robin to Batman, Wonder Girl to Wonder Woman or Troia], does not mean you are alone. We are here as your mentors, any and all of us… feel free to seek us out if you are desperate [unless of course there are any of the warning signs hanging on their door], and we will be only too pleased to listen to you. Maybe help out if we can…

If not, we find someone who can, and discretely, as you might require.

Also, as a side-note, there may not be a "Mandatory Titans Strip-Search" but there is a Mandatory Medical & Physical.

Although, if your examining Titan has to just magically have a bikini on them… and you would like to make some cash… all one dollar bills, slightly crumpled… the choice is yours. –Red Arrow

*Smack*

Red Arrow is no longer allowed to perform the Titans physicals. –Nightwing

Agreed. -Troia

~)0(~

Rule #110:

And Finally, Take CARE of each other… They are all you have, on the battlefield and in the Tower… Slowly, inexplicably, you'll form into a large, noisy, mostly-dysfunctional family of odds and ends; and you'll love every minute.

Welcome to the Teen Titans, to Titans Tower, and to your New Life as Part of the Weirdest Family on the Planet and Off of it!

~*~)0(~*~

"You have passed the official Titans Entrance Requirements, please step up to the Speaker and identify yourself for finger-scanning and Geneti-Coding into the Tower Systems, for access."

~)0(~

You slip the book into the Back of your costume and step up to the scanner, eyes wide with excitement behind your mask, and whisper your hero name into the scanner, fingerprints already identified.

"I'm sorry, please repeat your Hero Identity, I could not hear you…"

Slightly embarrassed and too excited to really care, you open your mouth and step back to yell it into the speaker so it cannot possibly screw it up this time, when all of a sudden your Hero Name is absolutely SHOUTED at you from a hundred different throats.

You turn, surprised, to find the doors parting to your left and the entire contingent of Titans, Teen or otherwise, awaiting within. A party, all for you, and a banner that reads, "Welcome to the Family!" slung across the entrance…

Mouth curving into a stunning smile, you can't help but love the idea of being a part of this madness as hands draw you into the room and a multitude of voices try to speak to you all at once; congratulating, welcoming and inviting you to come and see the cake that is four times your height, [Has to be, for all the Titans to get a slice with several speedsters in the room…] and decorated in the colours of your costume…

People touch you, handshakes, hugs, just generalised snags on your costume… all normal occurrences in a room crammed full of hundreds of Titans…

And…wait, did… did someone slip you their room key?

Yep, someone totally did.

~)0(~

As the chaotic celebration unfolds around you, there is a moment of pure bliss, where you realise there is nothing else you'd rather be doing right now…than being here, in the Tower, surrounded by all these people who seem genuinely excited to see you.

Except of course, the inevitable moment of panic when you spot Beast Boy coming towards you grinning like the Cheshire cat, with his arms full of…oh dear… You recall the wise advice of Rule #23, and just Run for it…

You spend the next half hour hiding behind a rather amused looking Nightwing and Troia, Red Arrow having left to go and somehow wrangle the handcuffs and duct tape off of the green-skinned changeling.

"Hah, don't worry, you'll get used to it. He'll lose interest in about a week, we've got more new Titans coming." Nightwing smiles at you, and you get a close-up of Troia's –uh…- Chest, as she hugs you consolingly, at approximately the same time you notice (as per Rules #30 & #31) that there are two members at the party without any (proper) clothing on…

Feel your eyes boggle as Starfire and Tempest stride past in scraps of cloth that can barely be referred to as towels… find yourself thanking the gods when they both stop to welcome you with a hug and a few kind words.

Spend a few moments gazing in awe at the gigantic cake until your stomach growls, announcing you were too nervous to eat this morning… signalling some slight laughter and a generalised call to turn the pounding stereo down, before the cake is at last divided among those still awake. With a start, you realise the stars in the sky are not an effect… but an actual representation of the time… how long had you been here? Who knew, and…who really cared?

~)0(~

Eventually, seventh slice of cake demolished and a bit of stray cream in your hair… Troia leads you to your new room, showing you how to identify which room belongs to whom by the name plaques on the doors… And then a quick demonstration on how to use your card-key for in and out of the room, also a word on how to lock it to intruders… and she is gone.

For a moment, you contemplate going inside… but the slight weight of another small plastic card presses into your back, and you slip out the other Plastic Key-card, a slow smile gracing your features as you contemplate going to see the owner of said card… right now.

Turning about in the wide hallway, your eyes scan the walls quickly, not finding the right name, …and run smack-bang into Cyborg, about point five of a second after you realise it's waaaay after the 10pm curfew. Sadly, you forgot Rules #45 & #46, and decided to wave your hand in his direction and intone, "I am not the Titan you are looking for…"

Which –despite how fast you ran- didn't work out, but… on the plus side, you can now disprove Rule #108… there actually IS a Secret Titans Sex Dungeon…

Now, if you could just get free of these shackles to tell someone…but something tells you the Original Titans will know soon enough…

~*~)0(~*~

So… a few questions…

a) Would you join my Titans Tower?

b) What would be your Hero Name? [Costume optional, we already mentioned nudity was alright]

c) And…I'm dying to know… who slipped you their Room Key?

d) Do you think you'll ever get Free?

And lastly,

e)Would you mind a few words on what you thought in a REVIEW?

Hope you liked it,

~*SailorSilvanesti/Phoenix Fire *~