Chapter 1

Blair Waldorf stared out the window watching a bunch of children play as the doctor prattled on about life expectancies and possible treatment options. Behind him was the x-ray of her cranial space that showed the almost unnoticeable cloudy mass that was found on her brainstem. This inconsequential little puff of cells was sealing her fate at the age of 27 years old. Life can be funny like that.

The doctor must have realized that she really wasn't absorbing what he was saying because he mercifully stopped…..

"You are probably in shock… I will give you a few moments if you like"

"No, please doctor, keep going… I have somewhere I need to be soon."

"Okay, well I'd like to schedule a follow up appointment, go over what possible treatments we can do and what we can expect, but I must be honest with you…. Brainstem Gliomas are very aggressive and almost always terminal." He puts down her chart and walks out of the room

And just like that, she is left alone to let the gravity of the x-ray sink in.

She walks out of the Doctor's office and is hit by the crisp, cold air that permeates an April morning in Paris. She has always loved this city and with her father living here, it was her natural choice as a place to run away from the ever watching eyes of the UES. Paris was her refuge and where she buried her shame, she had come to Paris to hide, because ultimately, Blair Cornelia Waldorf was a coward.

As she walks towards the car that waited for her she sighs. It is such a shame that she will have to leave Paris. She loves Paris, but New York is her home, and she has a few loose ends to tie up, one really big loose end… but that has to come after she gets through telling Harold and Roman about the mass slowly growing on her brainstem. The mass that explains the headaches she has been experiencing for the past couple of months, the reason why she was vomiting, and why she found it hard to keep her balance… but even scarier was telling Harold that she and Paul would be going back to New York… That was terrifying.

She entered into the waiting car at the curb and instructed the driver to go to Ecole Bilingue de Paris. As the car pulled away from the curb she rests her head against the window, feeling the April cool come through the tempered pane of glass and finally allows herself one tear.

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"Maman!"

"Puffin!"

"Why are you here so early? Is something wrong?"

"Are you upset? I can leave you here if you like" Blair teased to the little curly haired boy who came running into the car.

"No, but why?"

Blair looks at him, he has always been really intuitive and sometimes too wise for his 5 years. He has so many qualities that remind her of her; studious, and fiercely protective of those he loves without all the vulnerabilities that made her turn into the vicious bitch she could be.

"Well, I was hoping we could go get some bread at the boulangerie Harold loves so much and surprise him and Roman with dinner tonight, what do you say?"

"Okay! Can we get dessert too?" He asks hopefully. Like he even needed to worry, Blair has never been able to deny Paul anything.

But he wasn't spoiled like most children who got what they wanted. Blair has been told many times how well behaved he is, even when he was a toddler. She would always smile and say thanks, but these comments always made her heart swell with pride… And who can blame her? As awful and demanding as Blair was as a child/pre-teen/teenager/adult it's a miracle that she has such a sensitive and thoughtful kid, those qualities she secretly credits to his father.

At many dinner parties someone would eventually ask her about his name. For whatever reason, Parisians though the name Paul Harold Rufus Waldorf was just a bit of an odd name for the child of Blair Cornelia Waldorf to have, dare they even say, that Paul was just too "Bourgeois."

Blair would explain, "Well my favorite movie has always been Breakfast at Tiffany's and one of the main character's name is Paul… He was a writer, and Paul's father is too, so it just seemed fitting…"

Then there'd be an exclamation of "Ahh! Audrey Hepburn! Wonderful film!" and someone would start humming moon river. Sometimes they tried pressing Blair for more details about Paul's father, but Blair would always find a way out of it, politely, and sometimes not so politely.

Blair looks down at the boy sitting next to her, "Yes, I think dessert can be arranged"

She knew that he would start pressing her for reasons why this surprise "hooky" session from grammar school came up, so she immediately started distracting him with history of the Parisian landmarks they drove past.

She didn't know how long she would be able to keep her diagnosis from him. He was incredibly inquisitive and very observant. Her recent problems with her coordination had scared him. Thinking about how terrified he would be when she wasn't around brought a lump into her throat threatening to break out in the form of a hysterical sob… but being Blair Waldorf, she forced it down and smiled at her son. She could feel sorry for herself later, but now, she was going to focus on dinner, and telling Harold and Roman.

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After putting Paul to bed she went over to Harold and Roman's living quarters. She told them everything she could regurgitate from what she remembered of her doctor's appointment. She watched as her father's heart broke right in front of her…

Nothing about this was going to be easy, but life was never meant to be easy, so why should her impending death? Being privileged didn't mean you got an easy ticket in life, it just meant you had to deal with the same bullshit, the only difference between you and everyone else was you got to deal with it in the season's hottest Louboutin's.

After her emotional ordeal with her father she goes to her room. She tries sleeping but really, who was she kidding? She was never going to get some sleep, at least not tonight. Too many things to plan out, too many things she had to dictate, and so many opportunities to make that little boy sleeping across the hall light up. He deserves so much better. She silently apologizes to Paul in her head for being selfish and keeping him from his father. Blair's list of sins is long and she chuckles as she thinks of how she is going to have to explain all of them as she stands at the VIP entrance (she is Blair Waldorf after all) of the afterlife.

Her thoughts drift back to Paul's father….. Blair sighs, slips on a robe and grabs a notepad to do the one thing she had been putting off for the past 5 years. She sits and starts a letter that she is ashamed to admit she is only writing now…

"Dear Dan, I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from but there is something you need to know… I'm sorry that I'm writing a letter to you and that I don't have the courage to tell you to in person or even on the phone. I'm sorry for what I've kept from you and I'm embarrassed that you have to find out in this way. God I'm awful… Everything you said about me the last time we spoke is true… When you told me you wanted me out of your life I let my foolish pride and what I thought was dignity drive me away. I've been hiding something from you and almost everyone else for the past 5 years…"

She encloses the letter with a bunch of photos of Paul she had wanted to send to him over the years. His birth announcement, him at 2 months, him at 6 months (when he was at his fattest, when she came up with the nickname, puffin), Paul and his first tooth, Paul asleep in his high chair with his head half resting on some cheerios, Paul standing, Paul walking, Paul grinning triumphantly after using the potty for the first time, Paul at his first day at school, Paul helping Blair make Pasta for Harold and Roman. As she sealed the envelope she again mentally apologizes to Dan and Paul for all those moments that they never got to share. She feels like the worst human being in the world.

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Alright I know that I've probably made a few errors. Bear with me, this is my first time publishing.