I was sitting on the couch, watching the clock, waiting for my brother to get home. Today was his birthday, so I had made a full course meal and a wedding like birthday cake. I heard the bell ring and wondered who it could be considering if it was Nii-chan he would have just walked in.

Opening the door, standing in front of me was a man with violet eyes and silver hair. The moment I looked into those eyes it was like something just clicked inside of me. I use to think that love at first sight was just a load of crap; I mean how you can love someone that you know nothing about.

In that moment it didn't matter who the man was or what he was doing, it didn't even matter that he was a man, because in that moment I understood the meaning of 'love at first sight' and all I wanted to do was get to know this person better.

He was beautiful, stunning, distinguished features and a sense of power surrounded him. It was nearly intoxicating.

"Um…." He mumbled out and I realized that I was staring

"Who are you" I managed in reply

"I'm here for Takahashi birthday" he held out a present as if trying to prove his point

I let him in even though it probably wasn't the safest option. He sat down right where I was moments ago. He put the present down and waited for Nii-chan, who came through the door moments later. His smile brightened as he saw the man.

"Oh good you have met "he said clapping his hands together

Suddenly the surroundings changed from being white and frilly to dark black as he spoke

"Misaki, this is Usami Akihiko, my lover" then they kissed as if to prove that fact even more

Crakes formed in the picture as it shattered along with my heart

I jolted up in bed

'A dream' I thought 'no a nightmare of real life.' It was a dream of when I had first met Usami-san or as Nii-chan calls him Usagi-san. That day I had fallen in love and had my heart broken in less than 5 minutes.

Trying to sleep now was pointless, so I got up; pulling on a shirt I stumbled down stairs to get a glass of water. On my way back up I ran into Nii-chan walking down the stairs, he smiled at me but I couldn't bring myself to smile back at him.

It wasn't that I hated him but I just couldn't make myself be nice to him or play the loving brother when we were alone. Everywhere else, when in front of people, I would play my part of the adoring little brother but that was it.

I didn't hate him; it wasn't that I didn't care about him. He was my brother, my only family but at the same time I couldn't stand him. He had what I wanted, and he didn't even know it. The feelings of what I knew where right and what I wanted to do tore me apart and being around him made it worse.

The days passed slowly, it was like from the moment I met Usami and had my heart broken the clock started. It was as if before then nothing was real. I couldn't remember what it was like to not have this cloud over my head, as I settled in to a comfortable pattern that was never ending. Everything seemed a little duller and I couldn't seem to get interested in anything. So I studied and that was about it, because of that I had top grades. It was a little surprising, even with all the studding I did, because I was not the smartest cookie in the jar.

It didn't really matter I suppose, it gave me something to do which I was thankful for, and without it I really would have gone insane by now. The bell rang and Nii-chan called for me to get it because he was in the bathroom. I got up from the table where I had sat myself to do my homework 30 minutes ago. Opening the door I found the guy that was the star of my adoration.

"Hi, come on in. Are you guys going on a date?" I managed to get out normally, or at least what I thought sounded normally, as I let him into the house

I felt my heart tighten almost painfully as I spoke, he nodded, and I felt it tighten even more so. I was already use to the pain considering that it had been 3 months since Nii-chan birthday. Still, even though it had been that long and I was use to the throb that seeing Usami-san brought it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Well, he should be down soon" I said as I left him to stand and wait for his beloved. For some reason he was never real talkative with me, maybe he sense something from me that made him stay away. Either that or he just didn't like me; neither would surprise me if they were true.

I sat back down but instead of doing my work I watched him. I didn't have to look away to know when Nii-chan came down the stairs because Usami-sans face lit up like a Christmas tree. I felt my heart give another painful squeeze. I watched as they gave a passionate kiss hello, Nii-chan yelled something about not forgetting to eat and lock the door, and then they left.

A few minutes after they left, to make sure that they weren't going to come back because they forgot something, Misaki let the first of the many tears he would shed that night fall down his face. The wet, hot tears slide down his face and on to his unfinished homework.

A small sob escaped his lips as the tears poured faster and harder down his face making a sticky mess. Unable to hold it any more he let more sobs spill from his mouth, his small body shaking at the force of his sobs that came one after another. Soon they died down into nothing more than hic ups that still shook his frame.

After he had met Usami-san and then realize he could do nothing about his feelings he thought they would disappear. That the pain that he got from seeing them together, to see them kiss and hug, would go away with the feelings. He knew that he would never have him, he knew that if he did anything not only would he hurt himself with the rejection but he would also hurt his brother and put Usami-san in a really bad position. He didn't want to hurt anyone.

Still even knowing all this, even after months, the feelings never went away no matter how hard he pushed and tried not to feel. No matter how hard he tried to block his heart from the pain, no matter how hard he tried to separate from the things around him, no matter how hard he tired nothing worked.

The more he tried, the more he broke his own heart, the more disgusted he became with himself. He was uncomfortable in his own skin, he sickened himself with his own desires and he couldn't stand it, he couldn't stand himself.

No, he didn't hate his brother. He didn't hate those around him nor did he hate Usami-san, if anything the only person he hated was himself.

The sobs stopped and he stood to go take a shower to clean up the sticky mess he made with crying but as soon as he got in the shower another batch of tears came up and flowed down his face. Unable to stand anymore he collapsed on to the floor, even harsher sobs coming out, the tears mixed with the warm water that sprayed on his back as he sobbed alone.