A CODE TO LIVE BY
by MioneAlterEgo

DISCLAIMER: Don't mind me, I'm just here for the feels.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: My sincerest love and thanks to all those who are still reading, even after all this time. Every follow and favorite makes my heart smile, and reviews cause a special happy-dance that makes my cat give me a weird look. (Well, weirder than usual.) Thanks also to my girls imahistorian and Angela6257. The fact that I've not been incarcerated or institutionalized at this point is directly related to their emotional support and general awesomeness. I'm pleased to announce that this chapter is not the last in the series! Another short installment has been written to round out the series at an even 20 chapters... because my pseudo-OCD couldn't cope with just 19. Heh heh. Furthermore, a brand-spankin'-new Nallen one-shot (different universe from Code) will also be posted soon, so you may wish to check out that one, too! THANK YOU ALWAYS for reading and reviewing. Hope you enjoy!

BRAVE
"I think I'm having a mid-life crisis."

"You're not that old," Sam replies without looking up from his paper. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm having a lot of crazy thoughts lately."

"How is that different than normal?"

"Ha ha."

"So, what? You're thinking of going sky diving or something?"

"Different kind of crazy."

Sam's eyes squint in disapproval and he lowers his voice. "You didn't cheat on Nell, did you?"

"What? God, no!"

"I'm just sayin', you know I'd kick your ass for that, and the others would help me do it."

"Sam, if I ever cheat on Nell, you all have my permission to beat the hell out of me. Repeatedly."

"So… What? It's the opposite? You're thinking serious relationship thoughts?"

Callen answers with the solid thump of his head hitting his wall behind him. "This is a bad idea."

Sam folds his newspaper and sets it on his desk, regarding his partner silently for a moment. Sam knows things have been going well between Callen and Nell. Really well. In fact, in the entire time he's known G Callen, he's never seen the guy smile as much as he has in the last year. He bought a real sofa a few months back. Even sleeps every now and then.

"You want to ask her to move in."

Callen gave a noncommittal shrug. "Something like that."

Sam's eyebrows arch. "Something bigger?"

Callen fixes him with a serious stare. "Like I said, they're just crazy thoughts."

Sam rises and motions for Callen to follow him, locating a quiet corner in view of the bullpen. Satisfied with their relative level of privacy, he looks his partner in the face again. The swirl of emotions in Callen's blue eyes is an unfamiliar combination; gone is the mixture of loneliness and anger, replaced by shades of something that looks strangely like hope.

"She loves you, G. God only knows why, but she does. What makes you think having her in your life long-term would be such a bad thing?"

"It's not her I'm worried about. Look at my record: I'm 42 years old, no family, 37 foster homes growing up, and already sort of divorced once. Long-term isn't exactly my strong suit. What if I can't be the guy she needs?"

"You seem to be doin' fine so far."

"I've never lived in the same house for more than a couple of years."

"You can learn how. It's easy. And you already have the house."

"I don't even own furniture."

"I hear they have stores for that. Look, do you want her in your life or not?"

"Yeah, I do."

"You think she feels the same?"

Callen's gaze drifts toward the Ops center. "I think she does."

"Then what are you afraid of? If you want something permanent, make it happen. Man up. Break the pattern. Be the change you wish to see. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important."

"I'm taking away your motivational books."

Sam laughs. "Fine. But you know I'm right."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say…"

He's sprawled on his new couch later that night, and Nell is sprawled on top of him, asleep. As he traces aimless patterns on her back, his mind wanders back to his conversation with Sam and those crazy, irrational thoughts. After his life growing up Callen didn't think he'd ever want to put himself back into the position of potentially being cast aside ever again. And yet, he realizes, the thought of losing Nell unsettles him so much more than the thought of furniture or promises or ever-afters.

There are fifty reasons their relationship is a bad idea. They have completely different backgrounds. They have completely different personalities. He's got well over ten years on her in age. And, though she doesn't own her own handcuffs, she is technically in law enforcement, which used to be a big deal-breaker for him. In opening up himself, his heart, to someone like her, he could very well be setting himself up for the biggest fall of his life. Letting someone in is, after all, a huge vulnerability. He can't lose (or have taken from him) what was never his to begin with, so continuing to keep her at arm's length would be the safest choice, the easiest choice.

Except he knows it's too late for that.

Somewhere along the way, she wove herself into his life in ways he was never quite prepared for. He never planned to fall in love. He really never planned on needing or even wanting someone in his life. And yet, she's here. And for reasons he has yet to fully understand, more and more frequently she chooses to sleep tangled with him on a too-small-to-sleep sofa or his lumpy, fold-away camp bed because she'd rather wake up with a sore neck and him than comfortable and alone in her own apartment.

Maybe it's time for my next piece of furniture.

She sighs against his chest, her head tucked just beneath his chin. Loose strands of her hair and the smell of her shampoo tickle his nose as he breathes. He ducks his head to place a gentle kiss on her head and she shifts in his arms.

"You okay?" she mumbles blearily, lifting her head to meet his gaze.

"I'm great," he whispers, reaching up to brush his thumb across her cheek. "Go back to sleep."

Her lips purse a bit and her brow furrows. "You're thinking about something."

"It's nothing bad. Promise."

"Alright," she relents, settling against him once more. In the darkness he feels her whisper against his chest the two words that have already changed his world. "Love you."

"I love you, too."

And he means it. Completely.

His arms tighten around her and he smiles to himself as he holds her close in the dark, feeling her heart beating against his own. She believes in him, respects him, trusts him beyond reason, and loves him beyond a doubt. She shouldn't. There's no reason she should, but she does. And Callen feels his chest tighten with emotion at the realization that the way his life has been for as long as he can remember is no longer good enough. Going it alone isn't what he wants anymore. Waiting around for answers he may never find is no longer an excuse. For her, he wants more. He wants to try harder. He wants to show her every day how his life is better—how he is a better person—because she's with him.

It may be scary, but Nell deserves more. And maybe giving her more means he can be just a little bit brave.