Big White Room

A/N Yep, another song related fic from me (but please persevere). I admit that this is becoming a bit of a habit but aside from when I'm working, I constantly listen to music so it is hard not to turn songs for inspiration, or be inspired by them.

Anyway the song, Big White Room by Jesse J may not be very well known as it has not yet been released as a single but it can be found on her debut album Who You Are, and each time I listened to it the more I wanted to try and write something for it, and for me there are only two characters that this could have been written for, and whilst I was torn between whether it was Prowl or Jazz being mourned, in the end I felt that it better suited Jazz's grief. This was purely based on the words I wanna be somewhere else, normal and free, like I used to be, as Jazz (in the fandom) is a freer mech by nature. I hope you think that I went with the right choice.

Of course, you may think differently about the choice of characters, and it would be interesting to hear who else you think this song could have been written for.

Disclaimer: Transformers belong to Hasbro and Big White Room belongs to Jesse J

Sitting in a big white room alone, tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down.
Close my eyes to see in the dark,
I feel young, broken, so so scared. (ohhh).
I don't wanna be here anymore,
I wanna be somewhere else, normal and free, like I used to be.
Oh, But I have to stay in this big white room, with little old me...

The blue visor did nothing to mask the emptiness felt, its lack lustre light only served to show it off further. The fear of being alone gripped the saboteur like no other fear he had felt before, and it imprisoned him in his anguish. Memories played themselves over and over again, tormenting him with a lucid reality, causing him to reach out believing the tactician to be stood in front of him, only to grieve all over again when the image faded into nothing but a distant whisper.

His world had become devoid of colour, enveloping him a shroud of cold stark emptiness. His instinct was to break free, to live life to the fullness that he had never let his enemy beat out of him, but he felt protected in this room that he had created. While it echoed his loneliness at the same it offered a strange solace to him, a comfort knowing that his life could not go on as though nothing had happened, as to do so would demean all that they had shared.

I'm going crazy,
I'm losing my mind.
I'm going crazy,
In this big white room of mine.

Now he was hunched over on the ground, a frame clutched in his arms, the black and white armour greying while life ebbed away. The bright red of the chevron that was usually held aloft the helm of a proud mech, diminished, signalling the final passing. Tears streamed down his face plates as he buried his helm into the cold hard metal that had replaced the living warmth that he had cherished, and while the image faded, as all the others had done so before, a sob escaped into the silence.

Once again he realised that he would never again hold the frame of his beloved, his Prowler, alive or dead.

Sitting in the big white room alone,
Close the door, don't want the pain to come in. (No no no no no no)
I clench my fist, and try to stay strong. I cry, feel sick., My heart is beating-bebebe-beating out of control.
Can I run more faster than you? I wanna feel my body again, feel the wind in my hair, yeah.
But I have to stay in this big white room, 'Cause no one else cares. (no no no no no no no oh)

Jazz could feel the pain that coursed through him but it was just out of reach. He could neither quell it nor succumb to it, and how he wanted to surrender. To be so overcome that he would suffocate in its embrace and then maybe, his suffering would end.

When he thought he could not possibly spill any further tears a fresh torrent would erupt, sleeking his face plates as though to wash away the love and happiness that had once been there for all to see. His spark beat fast and irregular, looking for its other half, and then momentarily it would slow into a low listless beat, almost giving in, but then in act of defiance it would start the search again denying the grieving mech of the perpetual reunion he ached for.

Over the time that had passed his friends and comrades gave comfort to him, yet he still felt alone as he remembered the rare moments when they were left in peace by their enemy, the moments that he and Prowl made special and carefree. Exploring the planet that they had been stranded on, taking in both the beauty and the harshness of the landscape which mirrored their lives. The beauty of their love which knew no bounds, and the harshness of their war which threatened to destroy all that they had, and it had succeeded.

Now he was encumbered in this world that he had created, keeping pain both in and out.

I'm going crazy,
I'm losing my mind.
I'm going crazy,
In this big white room of mine.

Everybody's looking at me,
Everybody's staring at me.
What do I do now?
Smile. Yeah Yeah!

Prowl gently called his name "Jazz"

He could hear him but why could he not see him? His vocaliser refused to answer the call.

His name was spoken again, but this time with a sense of urgency "Jazz. Please look at me Jazz!"

A response was screaming in Jazz's helm 'Ah'm here Prowler, but Ah can't see yah!' but he could not form the words.

Jazz felt a reassuring servo on his shoulder, holding tight as though to steady him. Warmth flushed through his sensors temporarily numbing the pain and he shuttered his optics, relishing in the touch.

"Jazz you cannot go on like this. You must be strong otherwise everything that went before would be meaningless."

Finally Jazz spoke aloud. "Without'cha everythin' yet tah come will be meaningless, hollow."

"You will always have the memories and nothing can take those away Jazz, but now you have to make a new life, a new set of memories."

"Wha' if memories ahn't enough? W…wha' if Ah forget?" Fresh tears sprang forth causing Jazz's vocaliser to falter.

"Jazz, I promise that you will never forget."

"But ah don't have the strength tah go it alone!"

"You are not alone Jazz, the essence of the spark never truly dies so you will be forever watched over, and for the times that you need comfort, to be held and told that it will be okay, I promise your friends will not let you down…" as these words settled in Jazz's helm, he unshuttered his optics, and the cocoon that he had built around him faded, colour filling his vision until he found himself sat on the floor of the rec room. He caught a glimpse of fellow comrades quietly leaving, each glancing in his direction, faces filled with various emotions.

He then focused on the few mechs that remained, watching him as the words continued "…we will always be by your side Jazz. It would break our sparks if we were to lose you too."

The vocaliser he heard was no longer Prowls but the calm resonating vocaliser of his Commander in Chief, and friend, Optimus Prime. As he looked to where the words came from he saw the deep blue servo on his shoulder, comforting him, bringing him the warmth that he needed to melt the coldness in his frame.

Turning his helm forwards again his optics swept over the others stood there, a medic, an engineer and a weapons specialist…all of his closest friends together in this room, the ones who Prowl had promised would not let him down. Sadness draped itself over him as his spark ached for the life force that was missing from this mixed bunch of mechs. The six of them had been a force to be reckoned with over the millennia and now they had to prove that no matter what was thrown at them, they could not be broken.

As he looked beyond the faces that looked at him with concern and love, he saw Prowl. His frame stood proud while he watched on with the gentle smile that was reserved only for Jazz. Now the picture was complete. The six of them reunited, five of them to go forward and put an end to this war, to ensure the passing of the mech he had loved more than life itself was not in vain, and the sixth, the sixth was to be their guide, his guiding light.

For the first time since Prowls death Jazz felt something other than pain and loneliness, now he had a new cause to fight for, a reason to live.

A/N: Slightly tight chest as I wrote the end there!

As I was constantly flitting back and forth, tweaking paragraphs as I wrote, this story didn't really affect me too much during the writing, but then as I wrote the ending I realised I had tears in my eyes and I found myself saying "but I don't want Prowl to be dead"…hmmm, I really do worry for my sanity!

So, what did you think? Tissues or tosh!