Ice Cream Man

A/N: So I've had a bit of writer's block… Anyway, the title is pure crack!

Summary: They just wanted to go out but then they got separated — one thing's for sure, Cloud is not allowed out by himself.

Pairing: ASGZC

Rated T for language. Cloud has potty mouth.

I own nothing. Nihil. Nada.

-x-x-

See, he's always been told that he may have a slight problem, nothing health wise but, nonetheless something that could potentially be dangerous. Many times during his childhood, his mother had sat him down and told him of the dangers of the world and about human monsters that might want him.

See, he had this problem where he was kind of pretty.

Okay, scratch that.

He was pretty.

He was really, definitely pretty.

According to his boyfriends anyway, but then again they were his boyfriends so they had to say nice things about him anyway and they were maybe, just slightly, biased in their opinion. Not that he listened to them anyway, he hated being called pretty— absolutely fucking despised it. He was a guy dammit! Guys were not pretty, regardless or not if they like it up the ass – as he maybe, kind of did. But his point stands, guys were not supposed to be called pretty and calling him one was not a good idea and usually led one's self to physical and some psychological damage. This led to his other problem.

The one where he could sometimes forget that he was pretty.

Years of being called pretty made him able to ignore the calls most of the time. After a couple hundred times he usually snapped or sometimes he was reminded when someone tries to feel him up or some sort, but most of the times he forgot that he was pretty. He was desensitized, really.

And that led to his other, other problem. His current problem.

You know, the one in which he is currently lost in the slums? Yeah, that problem.

See, they went out tonight. Nothing they haven't done before, just out for dinner and a movie. Then Zack went on and suggested to meet his friend Aerith in the Slums. Apparently she needed some help making something and since they had nothing better to do, they agreed. Now the problem with that is that Cloud hasn't been to the Slums very often, he was more likely to get lost and that wouldn't have been any trouble if he stayed with his boyfriends. Sadly, as if the universe hated him, he got lost. He might've stopped paying attention or gotten distracted because one minute they were in front of him and the next minute, they weren't. And somehow, he's ended up at the Wall Market with no PHS.

Which leads back to his first and second problem.

See, he's heard stories about the Wall Market, not all of them good and he's heard stories about Don Corneo and no, just no. He's gotten used to men staring at him but it doesn't help that half the men in the slums have been eyeing him like some piece of meat and the men in the Wall Market, in particular, are even worse— they just openly want to eat him. And those stares was how he was reminded of his prettiness.

And the first thing on his mind is shitmotherfuckingbitchdickba llsshitfuck,

Crap. I'm so screwed. Figuratively and maybe, literally… I'm gonna get assfucked.

So when his non-existent luck runs out and he ends up in an alley with a dead end, he knows he's fucked. And surely enough, not even a minute later, there's a man that follows him into the alley. He was huge, at least twice the size of Cloud, but most of it was just fat, and behind him was another man, not as big but still bigger than Cloud. Both were ugly as hell and both stunk, and looked, like they haven't showered in ages.

"Well, well, look what we have here." The fatter one smiled, disgusting teeth and all, "Looks like the little boy's lost."

Cloud grit his teeth. Fuck.

The other man grinned. "Maybe we should help the boy out, you know, be good citizens."

The fatter man looked back to his partner, "We should, shouldn't we? Come on little boy, follow us and you can give us a reward."

His partner, personally nicknamed Fatty, stopped, "Wait, how do we know he's a boy? He looks awfully pretty to be one."

Oh hell no.

It was like bad porn dialogue.

Cloud grit his teeth harder.

"He's probably one of those pretty boys besides, he'll probably make a great bitch." Fatter replied.

Oh. Hell. No.

Fuck it.

BITCHES GOIN' DIE!

-x-x-

They were walking in companionable silence— well they were, Zack wasn't. People buzzed around them and made him think to keep Cloud close. Cloud, unlike Genesis, had not been here very often and could get lost here and not know the way out. So he turned to get Cloud only to realize their youngest was not in their midst.

So he did the only thing he could think of, "Guys, where's Cloud?"

Immediately Zack, Angeal and Sephiroth came to a halt. "What do you mean?" Sephiroth said lowly.

"He was behind us wasn't he? Now he's not." He said simply.

Without a word, they all spilt up to find their youngest. "Meet up at the Wall Market, fifteen minutes!" shouted Sephiroth as he ran, going into General mode.

Fifteen minutes later, not one of them had found the little blond cadet. They met up at the Wall Market as planned, all of them thinking the worst. Genesis knew what could happen to the little blond and dreaded the what might be the results. Cloud was pretty, in a building with a far higher population of male than females, it was bad enough, but out in the Slums where there are very few rules the people abide by, it was far worse.

He was stuck imagining the worst possible scenarios when he heard a familiar voice yelling, "WHO'S THE BITCH NOW, FUCKERS!" from an alley.

Wait. What?

"SUCK IT!"

Cloud's voice was filled with psychotic glee. The type he had when he was carrying out his threats— his very deadly, capable of making SOLDIERs of all class shit their pants, sort of threats. And in that second he was staring to rethink the whole 'find Cloud before…' thing because that voice, especially with that tone, was never to be messed with, even under threat of death. Cloud could and probably would do worse than what was first threatened.

He wasn't the one starting to rethink the whole mission. Zack, Angeal and Sephiroth were all staring at the alley with apprehension, even the rest of ShinRa's finest knew better than to bother the owner of the of the voice. They all stood there for about a minute before someone made the move to enter what he would now like to call 'The Alley of the Terrible Manpain'— because some of the sounds coming from there was definitely from manpain.

It was Angeal who made the first move. He stared the alley down like a man at the gallows, took a deep breath and moved. For a brief moment, Genesis considered praying for the man. Sephiroth went next and then only he and Zack were left. They stared at each other and went after the man.

He didn't expect the scene he stumbled on.

Really, his Kitten never ceased to amaze him.

-x-x-

When Cloud saw shadows at the opening of the alley he didn't think much of it. He was too busy with the bastards who thought it was smart to call him pretty. So when arms wrapped around his waist, he freaked the fuck out. "Get off. Get off. Get off…!"

"Calm down, Kitten." Angeal's voice filled his ears. "Had to make sure you didn't kill anyone."

He 'hmpft' and some of his semi-psychotic rage finally wore off. The two men were a mess, blood and dirt stained their clothes and face, Fatty was openly whimpering. More shadows caught his eye, he twisted around in Angeal's grip to face his other boyfriends.

His mood brightened considerably, and his semi-psychotic rage depleted even more. "Seph! Gen! Zack!" he felt better with all is boyfriends around.

Fatter saw the other men, but only saw them as a form of aid, not his boyfriends and spat out, "Thank Gaia! Get the psychotic bitch away from us!"

The fallen man obviously saw his mistake when all the newcomers' eyes narrowed. Cloud felt his psychotic rage bubble up again and struggled against Angeal's hold.

"GEEAL!" he was not whining, "Lemme go! I wanna kill them! Please?" he gave a small pout, "I won't kill them much!"

Angeal just gave him a long suffering sigh. "No."

"Please? Just a little?"

Angeal gave him a disapproving glare, "No."

"…"

"Still no."

"You suck. A lot."

The two fallen men looked at them like they were insane, they took the moment to run like hell from the alley, bleeding and all, past Zack, Genesis and Sephiroth and into the Wall Market. The three just looked at each other with amused glances – it was funny watching two big men get beaten by a little blond with a slight psychotic problem.

As the men got away, Cloud struggled even more. "Angeeaal! Lemme go!"

The older man sighed a again and carried him to the others. He twisted around and buried his in the nearest chest. He felt fingers through his hair and sulked.

"What did they do, Kitten?" he heard Genesis' amused voice.

"They called me pretty." He sulked more.

His response made every one laugh.

"t's not funny." And he pouted.

He yelped as he was roughly moved to Angeal's shoulder. "All right, let's go." The older man said.

"GEEAL! Lemmo down! Lemme go!" he got ignored again, "ZACK! GEN! SEPH! Tell him to put me down!" It got Cloud more amused chuckles, "It isn't funny!" and no he was not whining.

-x-x-

Later that night, they all lay in their giant, custom-made bed. None of them were asleep but they were all silent, as if they were in deep thought, well most of them were, Cloud was just drifting. Several minutes later, Genesis' voice rang out in the silence.

"So it's official then— Cloud is not allowed out alone."

There were hums of agreement, nearly all of them except the blond agreed. He was drifting off to the land of sleep when the heard the statement, he was about the agree when he sleep addled mind finally caught up and—

Wait.

"Hey!—What!"

End.

-x-x-

Halfway through this I started thinking about airports… I don't even know why.