Chances Lost and Found

All right, since that Christmas episode I've got this idea that Ziva was angry at Gibbs. It may be just me but I came up with this scenario that tried to stay close to the show as much as possible (of course, you should disregard that comment about children from Ziva at the end of the last episode) while satisfying my Zibbs-y side that keeps cringing at the amount of Tiva moments it had to endure in recent times (no offense). And of course there is (was) Ray… I don't know if it's any good or if you can even accept it as a plausible scenario but I really, really had to get it out of my system. That said, enjoy!

Summary: Episode tag to "A Desperate Man", sort of…. After the final scene of the episode Ziva finally makes a decision and goes to talk with Gibbs… they have some important things to sort out. Zibbs!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Ziva stepped out of the car and closed the door with a frustrated sigh. This was just getting ridiculous, she remarked to herself dryly as she started towards Gibbs' house.

In the last couple of months she had spent a lot of time there and yet, now she felt completely out of place as she took the steps to his front door. But she had made a decision – granted that she had spent the better part of an hour sitting in her car in the parking lot of NCIS just to repeat her performance in front of Gibbs' house after that… but she had made a decision.

In the last couple of weeks – say rather in the last couple months – she'd been on an emotional rollercoaster and frankly she was quite fed up with it by now. Ray had thought it appropriate to leave the country – and her – behind just after proposing a future together. It hurt Ziva even though she was well aware of the requirement the CIA demanded – she was a woman after all. Tony's recent indecision and apparent inner battle frustrated her. He was a nice guy, a really good friend but, damn it, if he wanted something he should have manned up and should have told her so.

Maybe that was what pulled her to Gibbs in the first place. He was the only solid point in her life. The one person she could always turn to. That time when Ray had left for only God knows where, she needed somebody who would listen to her, really listen to her. And she needed somebody who was able to tell her that everything would be all right… somebody she would believe. Sure enough Gibbs was there for her while she had told him everything that was sitting heavily on her heart and he was there to comfort her. That they had ended up in bed together surprised them both.

There was no turning back after that night, though, and Ziva found herself craving his company, his closeness and his attention.

But then everything went to hell with him, too. That was why she was silently taking the steps down to his basement. She had no patience to wait for Tony and things with Ray were over once and for all. And what was more important, she wouldn't fight for things she didn't really want… not anymore.

If Gibbs heard her coming down, he didn't show any sign of it. He kept on working intently on his latest project. Ziva used his lack of acknowledgement to observe him and collect her resolve. Something had change since the last time she saw him at NCIS. He looked exhausted as he was hunching over his work.

She ignored the voice in her head that warned her that something was not right and took a deep breath, starting towards him determinedly.

"Hello, Gibbs," she called to him but all she got in response was a mumbled 'Ziva'. He just kept on working.

Ziva walked up to the working bench but stopped short when she saw what he was working on. A shocked gasp escaped her lips.

"Is this a…?" she asked not really believing what she saw. Was he mocking her? He nodded without a word, not stopping his movements. "How long have you been working on this?"

"Couple of weeks," he shrugged still not diverting his eyes from his work.

Weeks? Ziva couldn't believe it. He'd been already working on a crib when she tried to talk to him. "Why?" she finally managed to ask, her voice tense with sudden anger, remembering the night when the man broke her heart.

She'd just found out that she was pregnant. She was so happy. Granted that what she and Gibbs had been doing in the previous months was entirely wrong but it helped her to see things more clearly than before. After Somalia and her decision to stay in the States, her value system had slowly begun to change. She wanted to settle down. She wanted stability in her life… something permanent… she wanted a family. And she realized that she wanted it with the man currently making his damnedest to ignore her.

She couldn't picture a future with Ray, who could only offer her an empty jewelry box followed by similarly empty promises. And she certainly couldn't imagine it with Tony, who himself didn't know what he really wanted.

To her dismay and utter disappointment, it turned out that it wasn't what Gibbs wanted. Their affair was just that… a temporary arrangement.

That night, after treading carefully and only speaking hypothetically, she had finally left him without telling him the truth and feeling completely and utterly dejected.

After that she found herself going on autopilot. She did what she was asked to do, she talked only when she was talked to… and she did her best to remain civil with Gibbs. Her initial dejection and the melancholy that accompanied it slowly turned into anger.

It was the hardest around Christmas when she saw how Gibbs was behaving around the pregnant Lieutenant Reynolds. She ended up in the hospital after that where she had finally had time to think everything through. At that time she was so angry at Gibbs that the decision she had made then was hardly objective. When he came in to visit, she told him that it was over and he shouldn't be concerned about her anymore.

After that she tried to concentrate on her strained relationship with Ray, all the while paying attention to Tony's messed up signals. She decided that her feelings were not relevant anymore. Her sole purpose was to provide a stable background for her unborn child. With or without Gibbs… with Ray or Tony… it didn't really matter.

In retrospect it sounded silly, she knew, and naïve, too. But that wasn't even important anymore.

Tony still seemed more willing to run from his feelings than to face them and Ray's actions were inexcusable.

And then there was Gibbs again. I'm happy for you, Ziva, he told her when Tony bragged about her possible engagement… and she wanted to punch him in the face. All he could say was that he was happy for her! The worst part was that Ziva knew he really only wanted the best for her. He was even there for her after her talk with Ray. After the things she told him, after giving him the cold shoulder for weeks, he wanted to be there for her. And she let him because at the end of the day, he was still the only person who would be there for her for better or for worse, no questions asked.

Damn the man!

It is not exactly official was all she could say at that moment.Well, will be if it's right. These were his words and she came here to hold him to it… because she knew that what they'd had was right... even if the circumstances were so wrong. After everything that had happened, she felt it like never before.

She came here to tell him everything... to make things official… to tell him that everything would be all right because she knew that it was right.

She would trust Tony on this one… she would jump in feet first… because she loved him.

"Why are you making a crib?" Ziva repeated her question, her voice trembling with anger. Her plan to tell him everything seemed to get forgotten in a matter of seconds.

"Don't know," Gibbs shrugged again then abruptly stopped his movements when the woman slammed her hands on the working bench with such force that it shook.

"Look at me, damn it!" she screamed then after a short pause and when she finally got Gibbs' full attention, she continued in a lower tone. Her voice was strained with sadness and disappointment. "Was it true? The things you said?" Knowing full well what she was talking about, Gibbs slowly shook his head and this was the first time that Ziva noticed the pain that shadowed his eyes. He almost looked broken but Ziva was too furious to really care at that point. "Why did you lie to me?"

"Thought it was for the better."

"For the better?" Ziva asked incredulously then turned away and began pacing, her posture tense. "I was talking about you, you know. About us," she admitted without looking at him and stopped when she could hear Gibbs whisper a silent 'yes'. "And what do you think now?" She spun around to face him, tears silently making their way down her face. "What are you thinking while working on that crib?"

Gibbs sighed and slowly walked over to her. He stopped in front of her and reached up with a hand to wipe away some of her tears. To his surprise she didn't pull away.

"I think I'm an idiot," he told her solemnly. "Didn't want to break your heart, but it seems I did a good job at it anyway."

"Why did you think that you'd break my heart?" Ziva asked hoarsely, finally letting herself acknowledge his own pain.

"What you wanted…" he started but stopped midsentence not sure how to continue. "I'm not an easy man to be with… and you had Ray anyway... and DiNozzo, too, you just had to lift a finger..."

With a sad expression, she shook her head. Why couldn't he see it?

"And yet it seems it is always you to whom I can go."

"Is it?" he asked bitterly, cupping her cheek and pulling her closer to rest his forehead against hers. Ziva watched as he closed his eyes and shook his head as if trying to banish some horrible thing from his mind. His voice, when he spoke up, was hoarse with something Ziva couldn't really name. "I wish I could go back in time and change things… I wish you wouldn't ever know how this feels…" Ziva stood in stunned silence as he turned away from her and ran his hand over the surface of the crib. Ziva realized, though, that his eyes were trained elsewhere and not on the wooden structure. She followed his gaze and gasped. On the workbench, buried under the various tools, there was the sonogram picture of their baby that had been taken when she was admitted into the hospital on Christmas Eve. The day when she told him that he had nothing to worry about regarding her and their relationship. It is over, Gibbs. There is nothing left for us to share. These were her exact words.

Her eyes widened as suddenly realization downed on her.

"Jethro," she began but the words got caught in her throat when the man turned to her. There was indescribable pain shining in his eyes accompanied by the knowledge of loss he had already suffered before. He looked so old, so heartbroken. And the tears in his eyes made Ziva tear up, too.

"I'm sorry," he croaked as he once again turned to look at the picture. Ziva's heart went out for him but she still didn't find the words to ease his pain. In the face of his immense grief for losing something Ziva thought he didn't want in the first place, she found herself deprived of her ability to talk.

At that moment she loved the man even more.

Slowly, she walked up to him and with a gentle hand turned his face towards her. That was when he finally broke and, falling to his knees, he buried his face into her stomach, his body shaking with silent sobs. Ziva shortly followed him and cupped his face to look at him through her own tears.

"Look at me, Jethro," she instructed him in a gentle tone. "Nothing happened. You hear me? Everything is all right." She gave him a watery smile to reassure him but it was in vain. So, without a word she reached out for his hand and gently placed it on her belly.

"It's all right." She repeated and waited for his eyes that had followed their hands to meet hers once again. "He is here, Jethro," she gave him an uncertain smile. "He is safe."

"He?" he asked back with so much uncertainty in his voice that Ziva had never heard coming from him before.

"Or she," she supplied timidly.

"She?"

Ziva gave him a gentle smile as she watched him coping with the information. "You thought I had lost him," she stated.

"You didn't." It was still more like a question than a statement. Ziva shook her head, feeling guilty for the misunderstanding. "But you said…"

"I know what I said. But I was angry at the time and frankly, I didn't even think about telling you. And I am sorry for that."

It seemed that it was finally catching up wit him what she had told him and she watched with wonderment as myriads of emotions ran over his features. And her heart began dancing with joy when finally a smile appeared on his face, a smile that had never lit up his features before. Then he returned his gaze to her belly that was still covered by their joint hands.

"Ask me again," he told her in a whisper. He didn't need to clarify which question he wanted to hear, Ziva knew.

"Do you think about it, Jethro…" she repeated her question from weeks ago, tilting her head to try and catch his eyes that still lingered on their hands, "…about having children?"

"Sometimes," he answered honestly, looking her in the eyes. "There are cases that make me think about the what-ifs… sometimes I just watch families and wonder… when I think about Shannon and Kelly… sometimes when I look at you and you have that look on your face… but it's not easy, Ziva. I'm still struggling with losing them… and I'm not getting younger, either."

"That is silly," Ziva gave him a small smile. "And you'll always feel the loss of them. But I want to be there for you when you find the struggle too hard… I want to give you a reason to smile again just like you smiled a minute ago… I want to share my life with you, Jethro."

He placed a light kiss on her lips then shifted so that he settled down on the floor, lifting Ziva in his lap, his hand not leaving its place on her belly.

"Tell me," he prompted her.

"I am carrying your child." This time he kissed her with everything he had and Ziva could swear that she felt the gratitude that laced his kiss. There were tears in her eyes again as they pulled apart but this time they were not tears of frustration and anger… they were the tears of her happiness.

"I love you, Ziver."

"And I love you," she whispered, pressing her cheek to his.

For some time they just sat in silence, reveling in their newfound peace and the company of the other.

"What look do I have?" Ziva inquired after a while.

"Huh?"

"You said you thought about having children when you saw that look on my face. What look?"

Gibbs didn't answer for a short while and when he did he sounded somewhat uncomfortable with sharing his secret. Ziva raised her head to look at him.

"It's silly," Gibbs shrugged self-consciously. Ziva found him adorable even though the notion of referring to Gibbs as adorable struck her as odd. She found herself wondering at just how many sides that man had and was grateful for her chance to be the one who was able to witness those that most people would probably never see.

"I would really like to know," she prodded gently.

"The one that clearly says that you're somewhere else…" he finally relented, though not without hesitation, "you always look happy then… and I always wish to be there with you."

"Yes?" He nodded then shrugged with self-depreciation. "Told you… silly."

Shaking her head, Ziva reached up and cupped his face. With a dreamy smile she ran her fingers over his features as if she'd been memorizing every line.

"You know for the longest time I had no idea whom I imagined there with me," she said, admitting to the fact that there was indeed a place he'd been referring to. "Sometimes I have these images in my head… but it is nothing clear. I know that I am happy… that I have a loving man in my life… and children… At some point I began to wish for that man to be you," she told him as she placed a feather-light kiss on his lips. When she pulled back slightly, her eyes were filled with sadness once again… and guilt. Gibbs didn't like it in the least.

"Ziva?"

"I wanted it so much… marriage… children. I thought that maybe Ray would be that man… or Tony. He really seemed to be making up his mind, you know. God, I was so stupid!"

"You were not."

"I was thinking about persuading another man to raise your child, Jethro," she exclaimed, clearly just understanding what she'd been about to do. "I do not even want to imagine what would have happened if you found out about the baby."

"Good thing you don't have to," he gave her a reassuring half-smile.

"It is good, yes?" Seeing that he didn't hold it against her, she chuckled slightly. He was right; nothing irrepairable had happened after all. She shook her head, consciously letting go of her guilt. "The truth is that however hard I tried to find that man of my dream in Ray… or even Tony, I have always had doubts. But I have never wanted to doubt you."

"But I made you." It was a sad confession.

"Yes. But I think that we got started on the wrong foot… I mean cheating on Ray was not my brightest move…"

"Beat up myself on that one for long enough."

"… and I should have been more forward with you. I might have been angry at you for rejecting me but I should have realized that it's always the direct approach the best approach with you. I am to be blamed just as much as you are. And I'm here because I realized that I'd been wrong. I came here because I believe that no matter what, you'll be always there for me. You've been always there for me... like today."

"I don't want you to doubt me. There are things I can't promise but I can promise that I'll be there for you... always."

"That is all I'm asking for."

"Good," he smiled as he pulled her for a short kiss. "And I'll try to do my best on the rest."

Ziva smiled at him, closing the distance between them.

"I can work with that."

And truly, it was enough for her because at that moment, in Gibbs' arms and with their child growing under her heart, she had everything she wanted in her life.

THE END

Thanks for reading and sorry for the mistakes!