Thirty More Terrible Ideas for LOTR Fanfics

They're even more terrible this time around, because I used up the funny ones last time.

1. Mordor's power in the southeast is opposed by a ragtag collection of savage Haradrim tribes. They are led by one man- a Numenorean ranger known only as Aragorn of Arabia.

2. A morbid historian prowling the Library of Gondor stumbles upon a secret that may well drive him in the realm of madness. Can it be that Cthulhu lies sleeping in Mines of Moria? Screw the Balrog, I wanna see Gandalf go toe to toe with an Elder God.

3. Vladimir Lenin is magically transported to the Realm of Gondor in the middle of the War of the Ring. Reenact the events of the Bolshevik revolution, with historical accuracy. Bonus points if you can use Gandalf in place of Rasputin.

4. Eowyn vs. the Witch-king on the Pelennor Fields. Using the exact dialogue of the book, write a scene spilling over with belligerent sexual tension. (e.g. "No living man may hinder me," the Lord of the Nazgul hissed silkily. His fingers manfully stroked the haft of his massive maul. "And no living... man... am I." she panted, removing her helm. "You look upon a woman." All the sudden it was painfully obvious that she was a woman- she had all the right curves in all the right places.)

5. Write a series of Amazon reviews for the One Ring written by Isildur, Smeagol, Bilbo, Frodo, and Sam.

6. "Well, then, burglar! I may not be able to see you, but you sure smell cute as a button!" Smaug winked saucily in the direction that he knew the intruder to be. "Oh, Jesus Christ," thought Bilbo.

7. Dr. House pulls out all the stops to diagnose Frodo's illness after he was stabbed with the Morgul blade. Two rules. One, you cannot let House have any knowledge of Middle Earth or magic. Two, he must successfully diagnose and treat Frodo. Good luck.

8. Beorn the Skinchanger vs. Solid Snake. Why are they fighting, and who would win?

9. Sam just came up with an interesting roleplaying game called Cubicles and Chairmen, set in a fantasy land where the players pretend to be office workers in an anonymous corporation. Gandalf is the parties' CEO, Aragorn is in charge of the budget, Legolas is in charge of Public Relations, and Gimli is the Company axeman. (Get it?)

10. Call of Duty: The War of the Ring. Reznov, Mason, Captain Price, Soap, and the rest of the Modern Warfare crew are transported via an inter dimensional tele porter to Middle Earth. They all have limited ammo and two weapons, and then learn to use sword and bow when the bullets run out. Jesus, just imagine Reznov versus a fully armored war troll, and he's only armed with a 1911 pistol and a rusty shiv. You know you want to see what happens next.

11. Sauron and Firelord Ozai have a friendly chat comparing villainies. Ozai is impressed with the idea of corrupting nine kings in soulless abominations heeding only their master's will, while Sauron approves of Ozai's child rearing tactics. They agree that if the other ever needs help, all they gotta do is call.

12. Ooh, actually- Aang finds the One Ring, but doesn't have a Gandalf around to warn him of the danger. Will his friends keep him on the right path? Or will the temptation to crush the Fire Nation prove to powerful?

13. Peregrin and Merriadoc are Dead. This hapless pair exchange philosophic ramblings and random observations, while an incomprehensible plot carries them to and fro across Middle Earth.

14. Saruman's political capital is ruined when the details of "Helm's Deepgate" are exposed in a senate investigation.

15. War movies made during and after the Second World War were often meant as patriotic morale boosters. What kind of plays were put on in Gondor during the lead up to the Pelennor Fields? For instance, what would the in-universe version of The Sands of Iwo Jima, or The Battle of the Bulge be?

16. Frodo, Samwise, Pippin and Merry are playing a rousing game of Truth-or-Dare... until Pippin dares everyone to play four rounds of Spin the Bottle. No one wants to be the guy to chicken out first.

17. Write the story of two hippy orcs who try to stage an antiwar protest in Minas Morgul. If it's not rated "M" for graphic violence, it should be.

18. Professor Moriarty vs. Saruman. Why are the fighting, and who would win?

19. Set years before the events of the books, Saruman, Gandalf, Radagast, and Elrond play a friendly game of risk. The game's progress mirrors the future- Radagast takes over Australia and just sits there, Saruman betrays everyone, etc...

20. Sauron shyly presented the small velvet box to Galadriel. She gasped as she opened it to find a beautiful, polished gold ring inside. "Do you like it?" he asked anxiously. "I put a lot of myself into it." Her rejection would burn the heart out of him.

21. Glen Cook's Black Company is hired on by the Dark Lord in the War of the Ring. Oh, wait, what's that I see on my profile page? The Black Company in Middle Earth? Perhaps that idea is not so much terrible as it is frickin' awesome.

22. The Fellowship is out in the wilderness in desperate need of shelter when they come across a creepy old house... owned by a sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania.

23. Darth Vader vs. the Witch-king. Why are they fighting, and who would win?

24. It is well known that the game of Golf was invented when Bullroarer Took knocked the Orc-chief Golfimbur's head off with a club, sending it sailing 100 yards into a rabbit hole. With this in mind, write the tale of the Orc-chief Pingpongulfen. Make it as filthy as you wish.

25. A beautiful, vivacious, stubborn, purple haired girl with a black belt in jiu jisu and who is an expert swordsman is chosen as the tenth Companion to the Ringbearer, despite the fact that she can handle the Ring herself with no consequences because her heart is pure. At first, Legolas does not return her affections because he feels that he doesn't deserve a girl as special as her. But soon enough, out in the wild lands of Middle-Earth, she drinks unclean water and dies slowly and painfully of dysentery.

26. Terrorists take over a skyscraper in Osgiliath, holding hostages and demanding the release of countless captives allies of Sauron to cover the fact that they're just trying to rob the place. Unfortunately for them, Boromir is trapped inside the building as well, and he intends to Die Hard.

27. Retell the story of Rambo, except set in Mirkwood, with Rambo played by Gimli and the cops played by the elves. It fits, seriously. Go read the book version of Rambo, it's uncanny.

28. Write a lemon explaining why Grima is nicknamed "Wormtongue". I should apologize for that mental image, but I won't.

29. Retell the whole story of LOTR, except you're limited to exactly one sentence per chapter. And that sentence can't be longer than 10 words. Good luck.

30. Frodo and Sam swap wholesome stories of home to cheer themselves out on the steppes of Mordor. Frodo cheerfully admits that he has been extremely intimate with Rose, and goes into paragraphs of detail about it. The only dialogue allowed to Sam once Frodo starts his story is, "Oh. Oh. Really. Oh."