I Smile and Hide My Heart
By Cybra

A/N: cough Don't ask. Just don't ask. I kinda got the idea from some of the reviews to "Walk in the Rain". It's an AU (or maybe it's canon and we don't know it!), but I kinda like the idea anyway. ^^;;; Weird person over here. Ignore me and just read.

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold! ain't mine, folks. ala Dr. McCoy from Star Trek I'm a writer, not Craig Barlett!

The stage is set up…The actors are in place…

You better not screw it up this time, Gerald.

I know how he feels about her.

I also know that she returns his feelings.

They exchange glances over the punch bowl, they blush when they come too close to each other…

They drive another knife into my heart every time.

Each glance is another stab of pain. Every blush is another twist of the knife.

I almost wish they would just get it over with, just admit it to themselves and each other.

Maybe then I can move on.

But, no. Every chance I set up, they both become tongue-tied and can't say it. I've practically fed Gerald his lines, but he still screws it all up.

And with every missed chance, the wounds that I thought were starting to scab over rip open painfully, leaving my soul to bleed.

Oh, they don't realize they're doing this. After all, they think I'm interested in Ruth or Lila or Summer…

What nobody understands is that most of the time, I'm an actor. I'm smiling on the outside and sobbing on the inside when she and Gerald exchange looks. I know my lines well and perform those lines with such ease that they seem to flow naturally. Every motion and every displayed emotion is so well rehearsed that I can fool everybody.

You see, I like Lila as a friend, nothing more.

So why do I seem like I like her like her?

I've tried fixing my emotions on another object. First Ruth, now Lila. I figured that that would help heal me.

It's not working. I'm still not over her.

"Hello, Gerald. Hello, Arnold," she greets us shyly.

Okay, time to remember the three C's: cool, calm, and collected. This is for Gerald, not me.

…Though I wish it was for me.

"Uh, hey," Gerald answers her.

I almost laugh out loud. His palms are sweating. I can tell.

Not that I have room to talk. I've shoved my hands in my pockets so they won't see me balling up my fists in order to keep control.

I sort of nod a greeting, knowing that's more than enough for her. There's a pleasant smile plastered on my face.

That's when I realize that there's a little too much silence going on here.

Uh…Gerald? Your line is: "How's everything going?"

Apparently, she's too much sensory input for him. I know she just about overwhelms me.

Inwardly sighing, I decide to take the initiative. It's not the most intelligent conversation starter though.

"How're you?"

There. Lame, but there.

"I'm doing all right, though I need to study for that test tomorrow."

In a pig's eye. She's so smart, she could do that test in her sleep, underwater, and with the lights off.

…C'mon, Gerald! I can't keep her rooted to this spot on my own!

"I'm sure you'll do great," I assure her, wanting to kick my best friend in the shin.

"It is a very difficult test tomorrow. Are you two ready for it?"

I give my best grin, looking confident but not too confident. "Grandpa's been quizzing me all week."

Gerald, if you don't say something right now, this day will go down in infamy as "The Day Arnold Went On a Rampage"!

"Yeah, my dad's been quizzing me, too," he lies.

Much better.

He shoots me this look out of the corner of his eye, telling me not to tell her that he's not being honest. I just give my shoulders a small shrug that I know Gerald's looking for.

Okay, next line is hers.

"Well that's good." She glances at her watch. "I need to get going."

Gerald, don't let this opportunity slip by! For all three of our sakes! Invite her to get an ice cream sometime! Offer to walk her home! Do something!

Just like always, I want to just scream at them, "You guys like each other! Just say it and get it over with!"

"Did you say something, Arnold?" she asks innocently.

Oh, crud! Don't tell me I said that out loud!

"Huh?" I ask intelligently.

"Did you say something just now?"

"I don't think so. I was thinking about what to write for that short story Mr. Simmons assigned. I probably muttered one of my ideas. Sorry."

Please buy it…

"It's no problem."

Thank you, God!

I glance at Gerald. He's been standing there without saying a word again.

Gerald, you're really grinding my nerves now.

"I guess we'll see you tomorrow," he finally says at last.

"See you tomorrow," she answers, blushing.

She turns and walks off, pausing at the door to wave at us, and we wave back.

I glance at my best friend again.

I could strangle him right now.

He sighs and mutters something about going home, too, and leaves me where I stand.

I smile at him and wave as he leaves, hiding my heart's secret pain as I realize another chance to finally be rid of this awful longing is gone.

I could really, really kill him right now.

My palms are hurting. I pull my fists out of my pockets to see that my short fingernails have actually broken the skin of my palms. I'm bleeding.

I sigh.

How appropriate for how I'm feeling right now.

Despite everything, some part of me seems to take great pleasure from watching Gerald fail, like it's another chance at winning over her.

But I know the truth. She could never love me the way I love her.

Well, tomorrow's another day, another chance, and another time of smiling and hiding my heart from Gerald and Phoebe.