Thank you so much to everyone for being so kind. I hope I can keep updating regularly.

For me this story is all about how people cope, mentally and physically and emotionally, with love affairs. In my mind there's a special interpretation for women, especially women who are more reserved. I wanted to explore that hidden world of insinuation and flirting and deep female feelings. This isn't necessarily about lesbianism, although it's there so don't read it if you're opposed. This is about how two people come together in love, and what kinds of transitions they have to go through in order to get there.

The love of all mankind should reflect some sign

Of these words I'm trying to recite.

They're close, but not quite.

It's almost impossible to do

Describing the makings of you. - Curtis Mayfield

"Jane, you can tell me. I won't judge you. You've really never been with another woman?" Frost was holding his breath. Jane thought about pretending to be offended.

She finally laughed. "Frost, I'm sorry to disappoint the entire male race, but I never have."

"But how do you resist all the women who hit on you? It happens daily."

Jane would normally have been tense, but Frost was her friend. He wasn't trying to judge her, the boy was curious.

"Frost, I'm not attracted to other women, that's it. I wish I could be more exciting and live up to everyone's wild lesbian ideal of me, but I'm sorry. I have enough trouble dating men, I don't need to add more female hormones to the mix. Why? Have you ever been with another man?"

She asked him thinking he'd change the subject, but he simply said, "Yeah. Of course."

She was totally shocked by that. "Really?"

"Sure, in college. A friend of mine asked, and I was flattered. He was a great guy, a great athlete."

Jane raised her eyebrows but didn't speak.

"I'm not gay, Jane, but everyone tries it. Right?"

Jane looked at him. She adored him more in that moment than she ever had.

"Not everyone, Frost. Nice try though."

"Damn," he sighed. It was strange. He wanted to believe her. He couldn't imagine any reason she'd lie. But it felt like she was holding back.

Later, as she sipped a beer while folding her laundry, Jane wondered what the answer to that question truthfully was. Had Jane ever considered other women sexually attractive? Yes. In the Academy it was common for other women to hit on her. She wasn't attracted to any of them enough to make the first move. A few women had made that move with her. She had kissed other women. But she had never had sex with another woman and never considered another woman fully sexually appealing until she met Dr. Maura Isles.

It seemed to happen automatically, as simultaneously as Jane realized a mental interest in Maura she realized a sexual interest in her. It was deep like that. But Jane cast it aside like the crazy notion it was. Even as their acquaintance grew, Jane hardly rationalized her physical attraction to Maura. Although it struck her sometimes overwhelmingly strong and sudden, as Maura would smirk or toss her hair, Jane was not one to put logic to her feelings. In her mind it was vaguely sacrilegious if not career suicide.

The night that Jane escaped from Hoyt and killed his first apprentice, Maura was waiting for her at her apartment. Jane had just brushed off Agent Dean and she was inordinately happy to see Maura holding a baby turtle in an aquarium. When they came back from the bar they were both heavily intoxicated. Usually Jane wouldn't get so drunk with someone. She was unaccustomed to feeling such safety with a person, especially a tiny woman who seemed rather frail for all other purposes. Maura followed Jane into the apartment and put her hand on the small of Jane's back so that she could guide her through the debris that had been Jane's belongings.

It was dark in the bedroom, the only light came from the bathroom where Jane instinctively went. As Jane turned in the lit doorway of the bathroom, Maura looked directly into her eyes and they froze. Both breathing heavily from their walk up Jane's stairs, they now let their breathing slow.

Finally Maura spoke, "Let me run you a hot bath, Jane. I don't want to leave you alone. Maybe I could ... " she felt shy suddenly although she and Jane had slept in the same bed before, and it didn't seem unusual in the circumstances for her to spend the night.

"Stay?" Jane finally finished her question.

Maura nodded and Jane nodded and they both smiled.

Maura moved past Jane and began running the hot water in the bathtub.

Jane leaned against the sink and unbuttoned her shirt and removed it.

Maura was acutely aware of Jane undressing but she focused on preparing the bath with her back slightly turned.

Jane hesitated after removing her shoes and socks and unbuckling her pants. She considered Maura, who seemed uninterested but didn't look like she was leaving.

Finally Maura knew she had to speak. She didn't want. She closed her eyes.

"I don't want to leave you. Is that silly? I let you out of my sight earlier and you were nearly tortured and murdered."

Jane laughed despite the panic still clinging to her muscles. She shook off her pants and panties, and shrugged off her tank top and bra.

Maura rocked back on her heels when Jane stepped past her and sat gracefully in the hot water. She found herself suddenly very hot in the ears and dimly realizing the hardening of her nipples. She averted her gaze as much as possible, but naked Jane was hard not to stare at. When Maura saw one of Jane's many bruises from the corner of her eye, her hesitation was overridden by her desire to doctor Jane, and she found herself kneeling with Jane's arm outstretched between them. She was pressing her palm against Jane's torso asking, "Does this hurt?"

"No." Jane was dimly surprised by how relaxed she was, given her day and the current situation.

Maura bit her lip as she moved her palm against the front of Jane's abdomen. "Does this hurt?"

"No," Jane reached to touch Maura's hand, "I'm okay, Maura." She smiled, "I'm okay."

Maura exhaled. Jane was holding her hand against her naked body. She closed her eyes, and pulled her hand away.

"You should soak. I'll leave you alone for now so you can relax."

Jane glanced at Maura to try to understand her thoughts. Maura had moved to sit on the toilet and was stealing glances at Jane. For the first time in their relationship Jane actually considered sleeping with Maura. Almost immediately she saw Hoyt in her mind, and she felt the world shake and spin. She was honestly definitely interested in Maura sexually. She just couldn't deny that Maura's hands on her naked body had elicited a strong desire in her. She decided her day had been exciting enough and it could wait. Just as she turned to ask Maura for a towel, she noticed from her angle that Maura was not wearing panties.

Jane felt a white hot desire take hold of her body. She gripped the sides of the tub subconsciously and sucked in her breath. The image of Maura's naked sex between her soft pale thighs was burned in her vision. The muscles in her thighs tightened as a searing wave of lust raked across her. Her sudden movement caused Maura to leap to her side and put her arms around Jane's shoulders.

"Janie, are you okay?" Maura was in such a panic that she didn't think of having called Jane by her petname.

Jane felt her nipples grow so hard it hurt. In her mind she was still looking up Maura's skirt and wanting so badly to touch her. And she was naked and Maura was holding her and whispering in her ear, "What's wrong? Please, talk to me."

Jane cleared her throat. It sounded strange, strangled, like she was upset. "I need a towel. Will you get clothes from my bedroom?"

Maura felt so relieved to be told what to do, she immediately let go of Jane and did as she asked.

After Maura brought Jane some clothes she asked to be alone. Maura felt so childish having to be told to leave the bathroom so her best friend could get dressed. She went into the bedroom and undressed herself. She didn't need a bath, she'd showered before going to the petstore. She borrowed a t-shirt from Jane to wear and upon remembering she wasn't wearing panties underneath her skirt, some shorts as well. Jane seemed to take a long time getting dressed, and Maura found herself waiting in the bed for so long she almost called for her.

When Jane finally emerged from the bathroom, she turned out the lights and got into bed.

Maura spoke first. "I'm sorry I watched you bathe. It seems embarrassingly odd now, but I ..." Maura was shocked to realized she was almost considering telling the truth. The truth was she had been thinking about kissing Jane since the bar, and had found herself thoroughly plagued by ideas of wrapping her arms around Jane now that they were so close in bed. "I ... feel like being close to you tonight."

Jane knew Maura wanted to hold her, but she was trying to avoid it. She was feeling incredibly sinful for the thoughts she'd been having on a loop since she caught that advantageous angle. She was getting very uncomfortable by the time she blurted, "Maura, why aren't you wearing underwear?"

Maura stiffened. That wasn't what she expected Jane to ask. "What?"

Jane cleared her throat. "It was an accident. I saw. From the tub. Up your..." Jane's sudden confession went limp.

Maura was so grateful that it was dark. "I didn't think anyone would be looking, Jane." She said in her detached informative tone.

Jane felt a pang of guilt. "I said it was an accident, Maura. I'm not a pervert."

Maura immediately softened. "Jane."

"Not that..."

"Stop. Jane, I'm so sorry you accidentally saw up my skirt. Honey, I was in a hurry getting ready, I know it's uncouth. I would never intentionally make you uncomfortable. And I know you wouldn't intentionally," she hesitated. The point was to make Jane feel comfortable with her feelings. "...look up my skirt."

Maura slid forward and ran her hands down Jane's back. She wasn't sure, given the current conversation, if wrapping her arms around Jane would send the wrong signal. She wanted to keep Jane from spinning into a guilt-a-thon for glancing up her skirt. Truth be told, she was not unhappy Jane had seen, just unhappy at the idea she hadn't liked it.

Jane relaxed a little because she knew Maura was cajoling her. That meant Maura was comfortable with what she'd said. When she felt Maura's fingers run down her back, she accepted the touch more willingly than she would've imagined. She exhaled and waited for Maura to embrace her. She realized she wanted Maura to embrace her. After a few minutes of silence, Jane slid back against Maura's body and rubbed her shoulders in a snuggling motion until Maura wrapped her arms around her chest. She grinned, suddenly thrilled at her success.

For Maura's part, she was so grateful for Jane's gestures of acceptance that she wrapped her arms tightly around her and placed her face protectively against Jane's back.

They didn't sleep.

After an hour Maura asked Jane if she wanted to get out of bed.

"No."

"My arm is getting tired," Maura almost whined, "can we roll over?"

Jane smiled and rolled to reverse their positions. The second Jane put her arms around Maura she saw the image in her mind again. Maura's skirt.

Don't do this, she thought. Jane, don't do this.

Maura's thighs.

This is crazy. This is ridiculous.

Maura's sex. Yes. It looked soft. She wanted to touch Maura there. She wanted to kiss her there.

That's when Jane realized she couldn't stop herself. She felt her fingers twitching against Maura's torso. She thought dimly she should be more scared. She moved her hand down to Maura's hip, underneath the band of her shorts, and Maura's skin felt amazing. The way Maura's body fit so perfectly against hers intoxicated her. She was breathing heavily by the time she stopped to consider if Maura wanted this, too.

One glance at Maura's silhouette in the darkness answered her question. She was aware of Maura's chest slightly heaving, and finally her chin turned up to look at Jane's face behind her. Her hand moved to cover Jane's on her hip.

"Janie?" There it was again, the petname.

"Maura?" Maura felt for sure Jane was going to kiss her, but it wasn't happening.

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you wearing panties?" Jane's voice was filled with growing desire, yet intent.

Maura grew red again and was thankful for the dark. She rubbed her ass suggestively against Jane's thighs. "This again?"

Jane moved her face to smell Maura's hair. She had never felt so aroused in her life. Every one of her sensors was overloading. She slid her hand out of Maura's grip and retracted it from her body.

Losing Jane's touch aggravated Maura and she asked quickly, reaching for her retreating arm, "Jane, what do you want?"

Jane's hand found Maura's wrist and held it still. "Tell me."

Maura sighed. She was defeated. She didn't like the position she was in. She tried once more to entice Jane into kissing her by laying her head on the pillow and stretching out her neck. She pretending to be annoyed and frustrated. "Tell you what?"

"Maura," Jane's tone was intense as she grabbed her by the hip and her fingers dug into Maura's soft muscles through the thin fabric of her borrowed cotton shorts.

Maura gasped and automatically pushed her body against Jane's. "Christ!" she yelped.

Maura's head was still down, and Jane put her face close against her ear so aggressively it shocked her. "Admit it."

Maura's body was so aroused it was now causing her discomfort. She tried again to move, but Jane held her tightly in place against her.

"I am not wearing panties because I like to fantasize..." she paused.

"Tell me." Jane punctuated her command with a kiss on Maura's ear.

Eager to receive more kisses, Maura hurriedly finished, "About you putting your hand up my skirt."

Jane continued to kiss Maura's neck to cover her shock at the fact that Maura regularly fantasized about her. She had obviously suspected Maura wasn't the type to casually forget to dress herself completely, but she would never have suspected how regularly and graphically Maura had imagined their coupling.

Maura was whining, struggling her entire body against Jane for a more comfortable proximity, "I like to imagine you doing it discretely where no one will know, only us."

"How often do you think about this, Maura?" Jane released Maura's wrist and started to rub her side and stomach lightly.

Maura was annoyed. "Seriously, Jane? Seriously?"

"Mmmhmm," was Jane's only reply as she sucked Maura's earlobe into her mouth.

Maura hissed. Her thighs clenched painfully. She gripped Jane's hand and slipped it under her shirt to cover her breasts with it. "Please," she muttered, half drowsy with desire.

"Tell me," Jane instructed, though she was losing her resolve as her fingers slowly accepted the softness of Maura's breasts under her hand.

"Jane, I have wanted this since the first time I saw you. You know that. I am always," she sucked in her breath when Jane gripped her nipple, "dressing up for you and," she moaned when Jane released her ear and softly bit her neck, "trying to get your attention."

"And that's why you're not wearing panties? You wanted to get my attention?" Jane relented a little then, knowing this last confession would be the hardest although it was the most obvious.

"I didn't make you look up my skirt, Jane." Although this is what Maura had hoped for, she still had to somewhat defy Jane's righteousness at the moment.

Jane smiled. She began to stroke Maura's breasts, then her torso, then her belly. Maura's head fell back as her mind struggled to remember every detail of how Jane was taking her. Finally Jane's hand slid under the waist of her shorts and came to stroke her above her thighs. Maura instinctively spread her legs so Jane could explore her. The maneuver filled Jane's body with excitement as she realized she was going to have sex with Dr. Maura Isles. She pulled Maura's shirt and shorts off and tossed them on the floor, then accompanied them with her own clothes.

They resumed their position, and slowly Jane's fingertips pushed apart Maura's folds. She was so wet Jane barely had to rub against her to make her groan. When Maura threw her thigh over Jane's leg to allow her entrance, Jane felt a heat of emotional attachment warming her. She stopped to stroke Maura's thigh adoringly and kiss her neck. Maura was waiting and finally asked, "Janie?" before turning her face back to find Jane waiting to kiss her.

There was no awkward pretense to their kissing. Jane was thrilled to find herself fully into kissing Maura this way. Maura, on the other hand, was hot and really bothered although of course she relished in the sweetness of Jane's chosen first kiss. She considered stopping to make out when Jane's fingers once again felt their way against her entrance. Then she knew Jane wanted to be kissing her when she entered her, and that realization sent her emotionally over the edge. As she thrust her tongue into Jane's mouth, so Jane pushed her fingers inside Maura's center.

The feeling was enormous. Jane didn't feel self conscious about never having done it before as she thought she might. Maura made her feel so desired and so empowered, she found herself making the transition from friend to lover entirely painless. Soon she was stroking Maura's coils from inside her and loving the way Maura licked her lips when she couldn't reach her face to kiss her. Then Maura was trembling, murmuring Jane's name, and somehow urgently begging her. Jane quickly shifted her position fully between Maura's legs and pushed two fingers as far inside her as she could. Maura groaned and wrapped her arms around Jane's shoulders.

They rocked that way for a while before Maura couldn't handle it any longer, and she came with her fingers wrapped in Jane's hair, pulling her into a fierce kiss.

Jane stayed laying on top of Maura's body because she liked the way it felt. She kept her fingers inside her for the same reason.

Eventually Maura whispered against her ear, "Thank you, Jane. I hope you wanted that. I needed it to be your decision."

Jane slowly slid her fingers from between Maura's legs. She rubbed through Maura's folds for a second before laying back down against her body. "I like being with you this way, Maura. But I don't understand why it took my near murder to draw this out of you. Why didn't you say something?"

Maura found herself petting Jane then, petting her hair and her back and her beautiful ass. She tried to find the right explanation, but her exploration of Jane's delicious butt was distracting her.

"You mean a lot to me, Jane, a lot more than this. Although I have enjoyed this for what it is, I won't ever risk losing you."

"What do you mean, Maura?" Jane pulled up to look down at Maura's face. She also slid her bottom against Maura's appraising hands in the motion.

Maura smiled at Jane's approval of her touch and continued to pet her there. "I mean, sex is sex. It comes and goes. But you in my life is forever."

Jane didn't like the sound of that. "Does that mean sex isn't important to you?"

"It means you're important to me. Keeping you in my life, no matter what, is most important."

"So, what are you saying, Maur?" Jane was losing her patience.

"I'm saying that you leaving my life is not a possibility so I don't endanger our relationship by asking you for sex. But days like today, when I get so afraid of losing you, it's hard not to beg you for this kind of intimacy." She made her point by squeezing Jane's ass with both hands.

Jane wanted to know more, wanted to ask Maura what it all meant to her, but Maura was busy turning them over. Soon Jane was on her back with Maura pushing her legs apart. Her hands slid down subconsciously and Maura intertwined their fingers. She glanced up at Jane from her position between her legs and smiled an incandescently loving smile.

"Janie?"

Jane raised her eyebrows in response.

Maura suddenly caught herself before saying those awful words. She pressed her face against Jane's thigh to steady herself emotionally. She decided to just get to work, so she began kissing Jane's thighs toward her heat. Then she stretched her tongue to probe inside Jane, and her taste and smell were exhilarating. Maura considered how drunk might still be, quickly calculating her blood alcohol level, before accepting that being with Jane this way was affecting her mind.

"Maur? Oh. Oh. Oh, Maura." Soon Jane forgot if Maura was going to say something.

Soon Maura abandoned her inhibitions and put her entire effort toward pleasing Jane. She released Jane's right hand so she could slip inside her. One finger was all she dared, and gently she slowly slid into Jane's throbbing core. The heat drove her wild, and she watched herself pushing in again and again. Soon she began to lose herself in the effort, tenderly kissing and licking Jane until she felt Jane's hands in her hair. Then she slipped another finger into her wet center and sucked Jane's pulsating clit into her warm mouth.

"Maura!" Jane had never come for a man like that. She had never come like that at all. She closed her eyes because the room was spinning again, but not from terror this time. As Maura removed from her thighs and crawled up to kiss her, Jane wondered if she was crying. The entire situation was so intense to her at the moment. Waves of rolling heat still surged from her core.

"Jane?"

"Maura?"

They were only holding each other, still rubbing each other's bodies, still kissing.

"Jane?"

"Maura?"

Jane pulled her into a solid hold and finally they relaxed. They were both wondering what the hell to say and finally Maura asked, "Water?"

And Jane replied, "No. Just let me hold you."

It was past three p.m. when she woke up alone. The note on her pillow read

You're not allowed to leave my life, Jane. Whatever you can give me is what I want and whatever you can't give me is what I'll never ask you for. I hope you understand.

Jane didn't understand. But things didn't change between them. So Jane kept the note in her night stand, and they didn't sleep together again for almost eight months.