Three Vampires

And

A Dog

In the town of Forks, Washington, there are shape-shifters and vampires, who have been allies for fifteen years. The following weird, funny, and stupid account is also true.

This is the story of five—Emmett, the pyromaniac vampire, Jasper, theotherpyromaniac vampire, Edward, the semi-sane vampire, Jacob, the hulk of all shape-shifter, and Ethan, the six-year old vampire/shape-shifter mutt son of Renesmee and Jacob.

WARNING! This story contains a large overdose of pure male Testosterone. Please, for the safety of yourselves and others, do not attempt what you are about to read at home. These characters are what you would call 'professional', or even 'stupid'.

xXx

First things first:

The women were gone.

And Carlisle—he was gone too.

But that's not the point. The point, my friends, was that the women were gone. Out of the house for the weekend.

Esme was at a home décor convention in Seattle. Alice and Rosalie were in Milan for Fashion Week. Bella was visiting with Rene and Phil while they were on vacation in Alaska, and Renesmee and their youngest, Lily, were in Bellevue, on a girl's weekend.

Leaving Edward, Emmett, Jasper, Jacob, and Lily's older brother by two years, Ethan, at home in Forks.

After only five hours, the boys had played every single video game the Cullen's owned. Edward was off playing his piano, but everyone else was excruciatingly bored.

"We could build something," Ethan suggested, coming back from the kitchen, a sandwich in hand.

"Like a robot, or a stink bomb, or a live-action volcano…or maybe a solar-powered car, or better yet, fireworks!" Ethan smiled. He loved anything to do with science, or building. He was definitely a hands-on child.

"We could do fireworks…" Emmett smiled, the firework plan coming to mind.

"All we would need is…"

Emmett was interrupted by Edward. "Remember what happened last time you tired to make homemade fireworks, Emmett?"

Everything was perfect. All Emmett needed now was to light the firework.

"Okay, stand back, everyone!" Emmett boomed, as he went low to the ground, a match in his hand. He touched the lit match to the fuse, and the firework flew off without warning, knocking Emmett back a few inches.

"Damn, this baby has kick!" Emmett boomed excitedly. His face fell when he noticed the trajectory of the firework—straight to the house.

He didn't even have time to let out a swear before it exploded into the house, setting a massive fire that engulfed the perimeter of the house.

"EMMETT DALE MCARTHY CULLEN!" Esme's shrill cry could have been heard a mile away.

"My house!" Esme shrieked. She turned to Emmett, rage in her golden eyes.

Emmett gulped. "Uh…I can explain," He said nervously.

"Oh, you'll do more than explaining when I'm through with you!" Esme grasped Emmett by his arm, and dragged him, full speed, close to the borders of Alaska.

"I do not want to see your face until May," She growled.

"That's not for two—"

"I know," Esme let go of her adopted son's arm, and left him.

"It's the whole reason we moved to Forks, Emmett," Edward said. "And if Esme were to come home, to find it burned to the ground because of one of yourfireworks, I'm sure she'll leave you in Alaska. Permanently,"

"Okay, okay, so no fireworks," Emmett decided. "But what else could we do?"

"Vegas, baby, come on!" Attention was turned to the flat screen TV in the living room, as some Jeep commercial played. Emmett's face broke out into a wide, somewhat evil, grin.

"Oh, Emmett…" Edward closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose in attempt to calm himself.

"For the love of God…"

"Gentlemen," Emmett faced Jasper, Jacob, and Ethan. "I think we got ourselves a plan,"

xXx

"The rules are simple. Whichever team gets to the Vegas Eiffel Tower first, wins. Second, no speeding until you hit the desert. Third, this is strictlyracing. Unfortunately, this means no messing with the cars in order to win, which means you cannot mess with the engine, the brakes, the oil, the gas, the tires, nothing can be messed with. Fourth, no breaking the cars. If any of these cars come home with a single scratch, they will know, and they will make us pay for the repair." Emmett finished reading off the list of rules.

He looked around at the four people in front of him, and smiled. This would be fun.

"I have the teams. Team Supermegafoxyawesome holds myself and Jasper,"

"Oh, God, no…" Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

"Emmett, no, you can't possibly…" Jake protested.

"And Team Fire Breathing Rubber Duckies holds Ethan, Jacob, and Edward," Emmett smiled.

"Our cars are the two Jaguar XKRs in front. Supermegafoxyawesome's car is the red, Fire Breathing Rubber Duckies is the white. I have installed radios in each car, so we can have conversation. When I say 'go', we go. Everyone, to your cars!"

The men went out of the house, and into their cars. Emmett drove for Supermegafoxyawesome, and Jacob for Fire Breathing Duckies. Ethan sat in the middle back seat, in between his father and grandfather.

Emmett's voice came onto the Bluetooth/radio that he had installed.

"Driver's ready?" He signaled.

"One, two, three…" He held out for the go, as the engines roared to life.

"GO!"

The cars flew out of the forest, and out of Forks.

The ear-splitting grin on Emmett's face could not have been hidden, the entire race he was hunched over the wheel and making sound effects along to the car's engines loud roaring.

"For the love of - Emmett, shut up!" Jasper yelled, seriously aggravated.

"No, I won't beat them if I don't make my noises!"

Jasper growled, "Don't make me, make you calm."

Emmett's frightened wide eyes snapped over to his siblings. "You wouldn't dare..."

The other vampire smiled, "Watch me - "

Emmett let go of the wheel and grabbed Jasper's collar, "DON'T DO IT!"

"EMMETT!" Ethan, Jacob and Edward all screamed through the radio. "EMMETT YOU'RE CAR IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL, GRAB THE DAMN STEERING WHEEL BEFORE YOU CRASH AND WE'RE ALL DEAD!" Edward screeched, Emmett quickly let go of the southern vampire and clutched onto the wheel, bringing it back onto the road.

"Haha! Suckers!" Jacob's deep voice rumbled through the radio as his car speeding past Emmett and Jasper's.

"Dammit, Jasper! Look, now we're losing!"

Jasper threw his insane sibling a heated glare, "You're the one who went lunatic."

"You made me!"

"Shut up!" Edward's voice came in through the radio, "Either shut up or turn your radio off so we don't have to listen to you're childish bickering."

Emmett growled, and stepped on the gas.

Fire Breathing Rubber Duckies were so close, just ten feet away from the Tower. Out of nowhere, came the red Jaguar of Supermegafoxyawesome.

"No!" Ethan shouted. "Come on, Dad, you can beat them!"

"That's what I plan on doing," Jacob leaned in, and put his full weight on the pedal.

The two cars came to a screeching halt, and the five jumped out of the car, racing to the Tower, full speed.

"We won!" Jacob gave his son a high-five.

Emmett and Jasper laughed. "I'm pretty sure we touched the Tower first." Jasper said.

"Uh, no," Ethan argued. "I was the first one to touch the tower."

"I was here three tenths of a second before you," Emmett said.

"We were all here at the same time," Edward sighed. He was really hoping to have had this stupid race over with.

"So, what are we going to do?" Ethan asked.

"Tie-breaker," Emmett said. "Whoever gets inside the house first wins,"

"You're on!" Ethan raced back to the white Jaguar. Everyone followed to their respective cars, and the race was, once again, on.

"Dad, we already won. This is dumb."

"Hush, Ethan!" Jacob hissed, pushing harder on the pedal, "Don't want to lose to a bunch of leeches, do you?"

Ethan gave his father a dark look, "If you haven't forgotten, I'm considered - "

Jacob smiled, "I know, son. I'm just joking with you. But, seriously. You don't want to lose to a bunch of old men, do you?"

"Jacob," Edward said in a growl.

Jacob grinned, "Sorry Eddie, but you know it's true."

Edward couldn't help but smile, "Yes, I know this."

Around twenty minuets later, just before they reached home, Edward closed his eyes.

"Oh, no…." He muttered.

"What?" Jacob put his weight on the pedal again.

"No matter how much I enjoy seeing you in trouble, you might want to slow down," Edward said.

"Why…?"Before Jacob could say anything else, he drove into the Cullen driveway, where Renesmee, Bella, Esme, Alice, Rosalie, and Lily were all in a line, arms crossed, looking mad.

"Oh, shit," Edward and Jacob, said in sync.

Supermegafoxyawesome pulled in, and screeched to a halt. Emmett's voice came in the Bluetooth.

"Whatever you they ask you, no matter what they say, deny, deny, deny!" Emmett ordered.

"Of course," Jacob said, his voice shaking a little.

They got out of the car, and faced their wives, mother, and sister.

"You five are in so much trouble," Lily smiled evilly. She loved it when her uncles, father, and brother got in trouble.

And this time, it was big trouble.