Chapter 7: Paradise

The exit from loneliness

Is not necessarily

The entrance into paradise

When they're trying to quit, addicts always pretend that every new hit or drink or cigarette is the last one and it never is. The key to quitting is deciding that your last time has already come and gone.

That was what Dani did. She called the local authorities, anonymously, and gave them a tip about Fernando's activities. She flushed the coke, regretting it immediately afterwards. That was okay, though. She found regretting not using much easier to stomach than regretting using.

Drinking was another story. Perhaps, because unlike other drugs, alcohol was an accepted part of society. Inescapable. There was no way to remove the temptation, thus, she fully emerged herself in it. She spent day after day in the local bar. Drinking root beer and other non-alcoholic beverages, eyeing other people's drinks, shooting down everyone who tried to strike up a conversation.

The owner of the bar was evidently a fervid admirer of Amy Winehouse, because every other song was one of hers. By now, Dani knew his personal favourite 'You know I'm no good' by heart and it pissed her off to no end.

It wasn't even that she didn't like the music. It was just that between 'Rehab,' 'Addicted,' 'Alcoholic Logic' and her own withdrawal symptoms and I cheated myself, like I knew I would it was all a little too on the nose.

Here she was, close to the flame. Though she was drawn to it, she miraculously hadn't flown into it yet. Good for me, she thought, but what now? She had thrown away the majority of her clothes, because the sweet smell of alcohol and other chemicals clung to them and she knew from experience that no detergent was aggressive enough to get that out. She had bought new clothes, before remembering that she should be careful with her money.

After all, she didn't have a job and no hope of securing one in the future after how she had left.

Dani was quick to realise that her biggest enemy was going to be boredom. Days stretched out before her. She had nothing to live towards. Being an addict was like performing a series of short sprints, without ever having to worry about anything else. Being sober was more like a marathon. Slogging on. It was predictable. She needed something unpredictable in her life.

Crews.

The problem was that she still didn't know which way she wanted to fight. Leaving would be fighting, defying the attraction. Like with her other addictions, except he was not bad. He was good. He was love.

Going to him was also fighting. Fighting her instincts, because it was about opening up. It was letting him know her, which she'd spend all her life avoiding. It was fucking unnatural.

So, she stayed in limbo.

It's fight or flight

After a week of this, she came back to the motel to find the door to her room ajar. The room was empty. No suitcase, no passport, no new clothes, no nothing. Of course, she was wearing that stupid dress again, since it was the only item of clothing she had spared. She was officially a sentimental idiot now.

She had her wallet with credit cards and id with her, but this was a setback. A good excuse to have a relapse. An impulse she was determined not to give into. Detox was a bitch and she'd be damned if she was going to go through that again.

The bed had been stripped and the mattress had been thrown back. The room had definitely been searched. Dani suspected that Emily might have something to do with it. The lock on the door hadn't been forced. Her supplier was in jail, so maybe Emily thought she could find something here. Or maybe it was payback. Did she know that Dani had turned Fernando in? It didn't matter.

I should feel like hell, Dani thought. She didn't, though. The lack of substances in her blood often resulted in violent cravings that left her trembling and weak. She was unemployed and would soon be broke. Yet, she didn't much care. Turns out you can't steal happiness.

It's fight or flight

She was standing in front of the Hilton hotel. The sun was climbing higher and the day was heating up. The sky was an astonishing, uninterrupted blue. She was in the red dress waiting for a reason. It was hard to stay, but she stood her ground.

Nervously, she was attempting not to think about how bad she was at this kind of thing. Love: it had always been a gift for her feet to crush. Because she was done pretending didn't mean that she would immediately get everything right. She just hoped she wasn't going to fuck it up.

Crews came out of the hotel lobby and spotted her. His smile was like a whole other source of light and warmth. He looked her up and down, no doubt taking note of how steady and healthy she was.

'What brings you here?' he asked.

Ungracefully, she scratched her leg. She didn't have an answer. So, she wanted and needed him. That wasn't something she could say yet. That needed time.

'Why did you come? I knew you would, but I don't get why,' she said instead. She was all anger and rejection. She didn't like herself half the time. It was difficult to believe that someone else could actually like her. Let alone follow her path of self destruction in order to be with her. Crews carefully considered the question before answering.

'Can't you see that when I find you, I find me?'

Dani grimaced. She couldn't decide whether he was messing with her or whether he was serious. The latter, apparently. This was also a way of messing with her.

'You're so fucking weird it isn't even funny,' she scoffed.

'Then why are you laughing?' he countered. He was right. Dani was laughing.

'Because... fuck. I don't know. Help me figure this out.'

'You're doing fine. You don't need my help,' the bastard said. That was typical. He had travelled halfway across America to shove his unwanted help in her face and now that she wanted it, he didn't want to give it anymore. So fucking typical. Dani gritted her teeth.

'Charlie, I'm asking you to help me figure you in,' she explained. That was pretty good. It made her point without becoming too saccharine. He smiled and she smiled right back. Maybe she could do this.

'I can help with that. We've got about two weeks,' he told her, taking her into his arms. His arms were welcome. They felt at home around her. She peered into his face.

'Why the time limit?' Dani inquired.

'Tidwell wouldn't accept your resignation. You got a month. We can stay here if you like. It'll be like a holiday,' he enthused. The relief that coursed through her was immense. She felt like she could cry; she was that grateful. Instead, she kissed him. Hard and eager. Love: yeah, she could do this.

The exit from loneliness

Could be

The entrance into paradise

The end.