Anime/Manga » Naruto » Boxes

Author: JellyfishBlues

"What sort of devil-rock is this?" Naruto gasps indulgently, pointing with a good bit of oomph at the peculiarly square and oddly textured thing on the ground before him. Sakura sighs to herself.

"Oh ho! So you saw past our disguise?" What can only be Konohamaru chirps from the box.

A sharp crack and a burst of smoke fills the air. A conveniently timed breeze reveals Konohamaru, Udon and Moegi on the ground, out cold.

"... little shit used knockout gas."

"What manner of sorcery is this where a square boulder doth follow my person?" Naruto gasps, recoiling from the fake rock sharply as Sakura groans on the sidelines.

"Yo ho! So you saw past my disguise eh? You're sharp as ever, boss!"

The box explodes in his face, showering the surroundings (mostly him) with tiny bits of gore and cardboard.

"... the little shit used too much gunpowder."

"Jesus shit! Hide your knick-knacks! The box people are here!" Naruto shouts, and Sakura rubs at her temples.

"Momma-mia! So you saw through our devious disguise, eh? Guess I can't fool you, boss!"

A sharp crack and the box bursts into flames. Three children emerge and start running about trying to quench the fire. Naruto sighs.

"... little shit used an incendiary bomb."

Naruto then personally stomps each and every fire out. Konohamaru never again hides in a box.

Because he dies.

End.

Anime/Manga » Naruto » Madhouse

Author: JellyfishBlues

His dream was a nightmare of teeth. On cold stone floors and still water he sat, waist deep blinking with ocean blue eyes. Menacing snapping-clacks of gleaming daggers leered behind rust iron bars-and he could feel their eyes on him (eyes of chitin and bone that would never tire- and didn't you notice? They won't wait much longer for a taste).

Some part of him wanted to run, the part behind his eyes that realized but wouldn't put it into words (only that nagging-itch that you need to run and keep running and never look back because if you do he'll gobble you whole-and don't you realize? He's done waiting.)

Maybe it was closer - or maybe he was on his feet, sloshing through darkness with bleary legs that would realize too late (too fucking late) that they knew better (and can't you see? He's so very hungry and why are you doing this?)

He had to turn sideways to slide through the bars. His bare feet scraped painfully against the stone but he never got the chance to wince.

Phosphorescent eyes smiled and so did the teeth- vestiges of viscera, gore and clattering bone tainting the water red (red-and where have you gone? He is only teeth after all –teeth with no tongue made for tearing what they can never digest)

(And don't you realize? He is full.)

.~.

Anime/Manga » Naruto » Ribcage

1. Mizuki smiles genially, offering a hand as he says again "-Meet me in the forest, nine, you know where." (I'll see you there, won't I? - He adds with a chuckle - and Naruto is too caught up in the smile to see the deceit in his eyes)

The Old man sleeps in his chair, paperwork stacked haphazardly around him, towers of oppressive white sharply contrasting with the after-hours gloom. Naruto can't help but smile at him and he backtracks his way out of the tower, the log-sized Forbidden scroll strapped across his back.

He meets Mizuki in the outskirts, the trees gently rustling as his teacher explains with cold precision why there is a two-foot shuriken pinning him to the ground. "You killed my sister, my parents, Iruka's too-" he snarls, his foot in the hole in the center of the weapon, grinding it deeper through Naruto's spine with every word. "- he'll be glad to see you dead!"

Iruka arrives too late, Naruto is on the ground, bisected and pouring onto the dirt like a tipped glass - and he doesn't understand how such a small child can produce so much blood. A hint of satisfaction is only smothered by the raw fear (or is it hope? he isn't sure) in his chest when Naruto turns his head.

Naruto is brought to the hospital, pieces tied together with wire and even after he recovers it takes Iruka a week to look him in the eye.

2. "...For example, Sakura! Kill Naruto or Sasuke dies!"

The feeling of a kunai sliding between his ribs, right below his heart (cold and wet for only a moment) – and through the searing pain he can see Kakashi's visible eye widen – Sasuke is alone on the ground – and Kakashi is before him (tearing out the kunai from between two fingers, smashing a burning green palm on the wound and bring up his free hand for a Shunshin.

'I'm so sorry' Sakura later says through distracted green eyes, watching Sasuke scoff and walk away – and she still doesn't realize what she did, and she wont until the next person she stabs dies as she watches. Naruto doesn't bother saying anything – she's already gone.

3. Sasuke pins him with glowering eyes and shoves a hand through his chest -and it slides through his torso like wet paper-

'Oops,' Sasuke says, all mirth and spinning red-black eyes as Naruto gurgles on his own blood. 'I guess I missed your heart…'

Sasuke pulls his hand out with a wet shluck and Naruto drops to the ground, eyes wide at the unearthly pain in his chest, smoldering, cauterizing pain, and he knows even through the agony that he'll live, the blood in his mouth is nothing. The tearing in his heart in nothing. And as the Uchiha turns and walks towards the patch of trees Naruto smashes a rasengan in his lower back.

He visits Sasuke in the hospital, pulls up a chair to his bedside and looks him in the eye as he says 'try to run away now.' And as the paraplegic glares up at him Naruto smiles, he smiles at the hint of confusion buried underneath the smoldering hatred; wondering 'how on earth are you still alive?'

But Naruto only smiles. And ten minutes later he walks out.

Anime/Manga » Naruto » Sasuke gets a splinter

Sasuke gasps and recoils, pulls back his hand with a deliberate slowness, staring in abject horror at the bead of red swelling on the very tip of his index finger.

"… Hn…"

Denial

"Hnn… No , no." Sasuke grunts absently, "No, I'm fine. This isn't happening. This can't happen to me. I'm an Uchiha. An Elite. This is not real." His eyes widen, he pictures his hands, wrinkled, cold, smashing dough with his feet for the bakery where he works, because he cannot hold a kunai. Pictures himself, sitting on his bed, naked, staring at his crotch and weeping. He snarls and backhands some guy across the face, the man promptly breaking into tears and sprinting off.

Anger

Sasuke begins to hyperventilate, craning his neck to observe those around him. "Why…" He asks, pointedly at Naruto, though the blond turns on his heels not a moment later, forcing Sasuke to seamlessly switch over to some random person. "Why me?" He asks them emphatically, turns down to stare at his hand, grasping the offending finger with excessive force. "You hear me splinter? Huh! HUH? Fuck you, splinter! Fuck you and your splinter kids too!"

Bargaining

"What do you want? Huh?" Sasuke says behind his hand, as if revealing a great, and terrible secret. "Is this because of that time I smiled? I won't do it again, I swear!" He opens his mouth as if to continue, but adopts a sly expression and mutters quietly, "Everyone has their price… Fame? Fortune? Splinter-women? What do you want, hmm?"

…Anger again

"Silent treatment, huh?" He looks away from his finger, turning to a bystander to gesture and scoff wildly. "What, are you too good for my money? Huh? You wanna' throw down splinter-bastard? HUH? Answer me you prickly little fuck!"

Depression

"Why even bother… Itachi is way stronger than me… and he has better hair, and he's better looking… I swear I walked in on him one time and he had two penises… How the hell can I compete with that?... I can't go on… " He begins weeping profusely; curls into a tiny, fairly effeminate ball and heaves for around five minutes.

"…What did you just say?"

Anger a third time

"What the fuck did you just say to me? 'Itachi is better than me?' You think you can talk to me like that? I"LL KILL YOU! I, will fucking MURDER you!"

Acceptance

"I'm going to be okay… there are others out there with splinters, living full, older-brother-killing lives." Sasuke smiles - for around a second - and glances up at the now setting sun, brushing a stray lock of hair over his ear as a gentle breeze sweeps over the grassy plains he is suddenly standing in.

Also Kiba was there, and he nodded silently in the background, saying 'good for you, Sasuke… good for you…'

Anime/Manga » Naruto » The Spider and the Butterfly

It was a tradition. An examination. An amusing inquiry that T&I always asked at the yearly psych evaluation of every rank. It was at the least utterly worthless, at the most it was a thinly veiled euphemism – and on occasion it was worth something, but when it was nothing good came of it.

"A Butterfly," they would say, "is stuck, in a spider's web. It's flapping, like it should," (and you know how delicate butterflies are -they add with a wry grin) "but it's not getting out. The Spider is going to eat it – drink out its insides. You, though. You can pluck that butterfly off the web. Or you can leave it."

"So?" (They would lean in and ask with an odd little (fake) smile, expecting and interested and always a bit conspiratorially.) "What would you do?"

A Genin would save the butterfly (all good, innocent happy smiles and fantasies of knights in shining armor and childhood stories where light prevails) because spiders are the sorcerers – the dark - the mercenary with a knife at an innocent woman's throat, because without her (the Butterfly) the Evil spider will slink away defeated (and what has that butterfly done to deserve that cruel fate? Nothing. And good will always prevail, regardless)

A Chunin would leave them be (for the right or wrong reasons - matters of opinion, they think).

Exposure induces a form of Stockholm Syndrome – where the Chunin sinks or swims (and either way sees that the Man with the Knife at the woman's throat eats and breathes and feels pain just like theirs). But they forget that the world is not all black, and the Killer (sometimes them – now especially, with 'special' B class missions where all they do is kill, kill, kill- 'to get used to it', they say -

-without distinction, without hesitation, and maybe for an hour or a day or a year become the spider they despise and slit the Butterflies' throat-

-and they need to sink or swim, sink or swim-and fucking realize that they need to act or they will die later on-to realize that being a Ninja is not 'right' or 'just' or 'Good' like in fairy tales.

A Jounin would leave them be (for the right reasons, they like to think - but realize it's just justification. Always has been always will be.)

The Circle of Life – nature – fate – because regardless of what they do someone/thing dies (and they'll have no more distinctions of Right and Wrong (that stopped at Chunin, and if it didn't you were dead) because sometimes they sit up at night and think about all the blood on their hands, and maybe this once they can look the other way-and what has that Butterfly done to deserve this? Nothing. But what has the Spider done to deserve being starved. Nothing. Because either way, someone/thing dies, and maybe this once they can not make the choice.)

An ANBU would kill them both.

Because their job is to kill the butterfly (And they realize that so long as Konoha was unharmed they would kill an innocent for money)

Because the suicide rate of BLACK OPS is one in three (sometimes higher, but never less)

Because sometimes they sit up at night heavy eyed, look at their porcelain mask, wondering when they became the shallow husk that could torture a child to death before it's fathers eyes and sleep through the night.

Because there are worse things than death - far worse (Because the Butterfly shouldn't be eaten alive, because the Spider shouldn't wither away starving mad. Because it's easier to see them both dead in an instant that see one fade away silently screaming- and maybe this way, just this once, they can say they cared (for both, for neither, maybe they never even cared in the first place.)

And They (the Interrogator) would smile and nod and do their damned best to be amiable (talking through gritted teeth, because somewhere along the line they forgot what a real smile looked like). And you, The Genin, the Chunin, the Jounin, the ANBU, you would smile back (and maybe notice how fucking fake everything in that room was -

but maybe not.

maybe you didn't even care.)

Anime/Manga » Naruto » Zabuza's last request

"Hey... Kid..." Zabuza chokes out, "... take me to Haku, would you?" The missing-nin grunts, less of a request and more of a demand - but as he bleeds out on the cold cement bridge, the tough-as-nails man shows a hint of humanity and Naruto can't find it in himself to deny the request. Weak as he is he manages to drag Zabuza the thirty feet to Haku's slowly cooling body, he can't find the energy to be annoyed about all the blood on his jumpsuit.

Naruto tries to gently lay Zabuza to the ground but he drops the man hard, grinning sheepishly as the man scowls up at him. But he doesn't hold the glare for long, turning to grimace at Haku with the last of his life. He sighs and rests his head on the ground.

"I always loved you Haku... even if I never admitted it -" he pauses and groans, growing paler and paler with every moment, "Haku... you're up there aren't you?" He looks up at the cold blue sky with the smallest hint of envy, "You always were too innocent... of course you're there..."

He shudders and turns to face his apprentice once more. "...I don't think we'll meet where I'm going."

He sighs. "... Hey, kid."

"Hm?" Naruto starts, uncomfortable at being drawn into the moment. "...What's up?"

"There's something in my pocket... I ... I want you to have it..." He says heavily and Naruto swears he can see the last of Zabuza's life leaving his eyes. He acts quickly, dropping to his knees and reaching into the mans pants pocket; he doesn't know what he's expecting, but he assumes it's deeply personal.

As it turns out he grabs an oddly warm fistful of man-meat.

"That's... for call- for calling me... eyebrowless... you stupid... bitch... ugh..." Zabuza dies, and Naruto almost weeps.

"... This world wasn't good enough for you." he says thickly, and as he closes the mans eyelids with his fingers he knows deep in his chest that nothing will ever be as awesome as this dead man before him.

He pays his respects and stands, shooting a tired glance at Kakashi.

"...Let's get the fuck out of here. I need to wash my hand."

Anime/Manga » Naruto » The Day Sakura Swore Off Bathing

Sakura would later look back on that day with all the fondness she has for indigestion; 'that day' being the title given to the day before yesterday, which was indeed horrid and generally unpleasant experience.

Maybe it was her that started the series of events and maybe it wasn't, but she was feeling sore and somehow it came to an agreement that Ino and herself would meet at the northern onsen give or take (exactly, as she is always exact about everything) seven hours from then, then being around (exactly) 9:47am.

Ino promised to 'come alone.' Then she promised to 'definitely come alone' upon request because it's always a good idea to get things from Ino in duplicate.

Ino spent the next half hour drifting around Konoha looking for Sasuke and feeling like she'd forgotten something important. Another hour later Ino gives up and finds Sasuke's official keeper.

She finds Naruto where he always is, shoving things in his face in Ichirakus at an inhuman and undeniably impressive pace. Ino sits a seat or two from him to avoid splash damage and asks in a tone that she considers sultry, sexy, voluptuous, but Naruto finds so haughty and rude his ass-cheeks clench involuntarily.

She (basically) moaned to him to 'tell Sasuke I need to talk to him', and Naruto, repulsed and still cramming his face asked things like 'why?' 'I can totally keep a secret' and 'you think you're better than me?' while Ino waved her hand flippantly, as if saying "What? are you retarded?". Eventually Naruto, so appalled at her air of superiority, stored his next bowl of ramen in his ramen-sac and sprayed the molten delicious meal all over Ino's face. She ripped him a new one or course, and growled "The Hot Springs you asshole!" as she stormed off, wringing out her shirt and giving him bystanders a healthy dose of sideboob. Naruto sat back on his stool like nothing happened and tried eating with the new hole Ino made. He honestly didn't know why she was so vulgarly rude but at least she gave him a new orifice.

Some random huge amount of ramen later Naruto set about finding the sort-of last Uchiha. He found Sasuke half-lounging half-brooding in a tree near the training grounds complex.

Naruto then harassed Sasuke until the brooding/lounging Uchiha was left with two options:

-go.

-kill Naruto.

...also a third option of 'go and kill Naruto'

Sasuke sighed and looked down from his tree, trying to convey 'will you shut up!' to Naruto through a quirk of his eyebrows. Naruto took it for Sasuke's 'ok' face, as opposed to Sasuke's 'mad' face, which it was, or his 'hn' face, which was his default expression.

Sasuke found himself out of the tree and exceeding acceptable skin contact not a moment later, he shook off Naruto and went off to find someone just as or quieter than him, Shino, as it turned out, was the first he found; training with his team on training grounds number seventeen.

Then Kiba farted, as he was prone to do around Naruto. For some reason they made each other gassy. He then invited himself and everyone around him, which happened to be the rest of his team and Kurenai.

Also, lee was there, for some obscure reason no one quite understood. Naruto nodded at him and Lee vomited sunshine all over his shoes.

And then in a particularly tree-like fashion those invited branched off several other invitations and somehow it ended up with just about everyone they knew swarming (like insects) to the onsen in northern Konoha. It was 4:45.

Naruto was skipping along with Kiba at the front, spewing charisma from all orifices, notably the new one Ino made for him, that thing was pretty handy. No one had commented on it yet but he was staying positive.

Kiba, a bad influence to children everywhere, was alongside Naruto, swaggering with his new skull-topped walking cane and pointedly ignoring the new mystery hole that had sprung up on Naruto's neck.

Chouji was eating, boring.

Shikimaru and Sakura walked side by side at the back, sighing and barely connecting on a personal level.

Ino herself was talking Kurenai's ear off with the woman doing her best to seem interested, but at the same time preoccupied so Ino would think 'oh, she's busy' and just stop. No such luck.

Anko, who somehow caught wind of the event, was hanging off of the red-eyed woman doing her very best to spice up the day with some 'just friends' groping.

Also, Lee was there, riding the back of a fifty-foot-tall squirrel that everyone pretended not to notice.

Hinata didn't quite know what to do with herself so walked alongside Shino.

And that was how twelve Konoha ninja (four women and seven men) (and Anko) walked into the Northmost Onsen, and discovered that Sasuke had reserved the place for the day. Because Sasuke hates people and he really would like to keep contact to a minimum.

"Ahhn… fucking shit… Yeah baby, y-"

"Cut that shit out, Naruto" Shikamaru grunts to the blond, who after several minutes of a fairly erotic striptease was down to his last bit of clothing, a pair of boxers with ramen bowls dotted over the fabric. Naruto looks decidedly put-off and turns to him.

"Oi, I'm bearing my soul here Shikamaru, have a little compassion!"

Kiba, who until then had been chortling into his hand, adjusted his towel and calmed down with a deep breath. "Shikamaru is right, man. Besides, your technique is way off."

"Fuck that and Fuck you 'stop dancing', I'm gonna keep dancing and you better fucking appreciate it!" It comes out gratingly high pitched.

"Stop swearing." Shikimaru quips.

"Seriously, dude... I'm getting bored. Now I love and respect you almost as much as I do Akamaru, but I feel like it's my responsibility to tell you that you've got no business stripping."

"What?" Naruto gasps, outraged, "I can so totally strip! Tell him Sasuke!"

"No."

"Look, you just don't have the attitude for it, 'yer too stiff."

"No I'm not! Tell him Sasuke!"

"No!"

"Yes you are," Kiba says chidingly, "You need to flow like water. Like sexy, sexy water. And you are not sexy water Naruto... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

Naruto starts weeping into his hands and Kiba pats him reassuringly on the back, whispering such sweet nothings as 'that's right' and 'let it all out'.

"My, my, Kurenai, what large breasts you have."

"Stop touching me, Anko" The red eyed woman grumbles to Anko, who through some form of slut magic had gotten undressed entirely too quickly and too thoroughly. "-and put on a towel for gods' sake."

"Don't tell me what to do!" Anko ripostes childishly.

Kurenai only sighs.

"Ho-ly shit, guys, look what I just found!" exclaims Kiba, sounding far too excited for it to be good. Everyone shares a meaningful glance and turns as one, and recoils as if struck. In Kiba's hands is a massive rubber phallus, writhing about like a frightened salmon. The boy looks creepily delighted.

silence.

"...Where'd you find that?" Naruto ventures, genuinely confused and a little concerned.

"Sat on it."

"...Would you like to rephrase that?"

"... perhaps."

another silence.

"It was in the water?" Naruto starts back up.

"Yeah."

"…How'd it get here?" Chouji grunts through the massive turkey-leg he pulled from his fat flaps.

"Someone probably 'snuck it in for some... reason..."

"…Who would bring something like that?" Sasuke says indignantly.

"Who could bring something like that?" Naruto adds meaningfully.

"...Someone with a massive anus." Kiba quips.

"…Troublesome."

"My, my, Kurenai, what smooth thighs you have."

Sakura grunts as she looks down at her chest. Seriously, where was Hinata hiding those tits? Like freaking oranges on her chest. She glares at them a bit, almost expecting them to whither under her intense stare.

"Knock it off Anko!"

While she brooded a short scuffle began, Anko giggling lewdly as she puts her hands all sorts of places that Kurenai just doesn't really want touched at that particular moment. Hinata is dangerously close to passing out and Ino just stares, at the water.

Sighing wistfully.

"Ahhhhnnnm-Anko, not there!"

Anko's most likely perverted retort is cut off with a dull crack, as a cylindrical object bursts through the wooden separator, crunching a hole just above Ino's head. The girl stares up, wide eyed. The visible two feet of it jiggling furiously and finally sagging to where the length smacks her across the face and mockingly bobs up and down until going still. No one says a thing.

After a moment or two of silence a vague 'sorry' floats over.

Anko cackles.

"I'm the King of dildos!" Naruto declares haughtily, prancing about the water like a fairy princess among forest friends, Kiba's momentous find strapped to his head. The Inuzuka laughing so hard he is honestly afraid he'll shit himself. Chouji and Shino ignore the whole scene, Shikamaru has his head in his hands, and Sasuke is somewhere between 'rage' and 'aneurism', though he looks completely normal except his twitching eyebrows. No one was quite sure where (or when) Lee had gone.

"Naruto!" Sasuke finally shouts.

"What's up?" he asks innocently, going into a twirl.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Summoning the queen of unicorns through interpretive dance." He says whimsically.

"Wrong. The correct answer is; acting retarded. How about you sit down like you're in a damn bath for a bit."

Naruto stops mid-pirouette and points angrily, "Oi, I'm doing this for your benefit, the least you can do is appreciate it!"

"The hell are you on about?"

"Uh, DER! You think I want to do this! I'm doing this for you! For everyone! And you go and yell at me? What do you want from me-he-heee!" He breaks down into sobs, each heave making the dildo jiggle. Kiba rubs his back consolingly and shoots Sasuke dirty looks.

Sasuke stands (and, making sure his towel is secure) snap-kicks Naruto in the shoulder, sending him spinning face first into the wall.

Oddly enough everyone glares at him for a reason he isn't all to sure of... were they mad about the kick? He kicks Naruto again to be sure and the looks intensify... 'so they are for that' he thinks to himself. 'how peculiar'. He sort of appologizes-ish through his teeth and sits, taking great pleasure as Naruto realizes how utterly stuck he is and starts flailing.

"My, my, Kurenai, what soft skin you have…" Kurenai mewls and squirms a bit and almost out of Anko's grasp, but two more arms appear from nowhere and restrain her. No one comments on that fact.

"Mnnnn…" she bites her lip. "Ankooo… Not in front of Hinata…"

Hinata herself was looking to all the world an embarrassed tomato. Swaying a bit as if drifting in and out of consciousness. Finally she falls face first in the water (though she's amazingly buoyant) and Sakura takes it upon herself to prevent possible drowning... she flips her over at least. Those massive breasts just stare back at her... mocking her...

"You think you're better than me?" Sakura shouts at Hinata's chest. She turns and savagely points at Anko, who in turn points at herself innocently with a fifth hand that comes out of nowhere. "Yes, you! Stop molesting her"

"Hey, a little molestin' never hurt nobody." Anko says defensively.

"Yes it has!"

"... Not physically."

"Yes physically!" Sakura shouts exasperated.

"Oh so now you have a PHD in molesting all the sudden?" Anko snarls, another hand sprouting and pointing accusingly at her, "You're an expert on molestation now? Tellin' me my business, girl, where do you get off?"

"Oh goddamnit!"

"You believe the balls on this girl?" She says confidingly to Kurenai.

"Anko, seriously-aahn"

"Ahhn… mnn…Anko, knock it off…"

"Seriously, what's going on over there?" The Blond asks aloud. Kiba, ear-to-wall, turns, shrugs, (farts), and belly-flops into the water, finding that it is really not as deep as it looks.

Naruto turns suddenly. "Hey, we're friends, right?" he asks Sasuke, who, having run out of space to edge away, was pinned between a wall.

"Huh?" He grunts eloquently.

"Friends- we're friends… Right?... I mean…" he turns away abashedly, thumb to his lips with a cheek-spanning blush.

Sasuke pointedly ignores him.

"Sasukeeeee! C'mon! We're friends right? Aren't we? Heeeey! Sa-Su-Keeee!"

"… hn…"

Naruto sqeals and claps girlishly, before slipping one arm over the now very uncomfortable Uchiha.

"I knew it, of course we're friends. Bestest friends foreverest, right? Riiiiiiight? Right?"

Sasuke sighs.

"Ooooooi! Right?"

His eye twitches violently, and he glares over at the expectant mostly-naked-person. "… Will you leave?"

"Sasuke!" Naruto gasps, sounding scandalized. He shoots a flustered glance at the Aburame in the far corner. The Aburame turns to them and Naruto averts his gaze quickly. He leans in conspiratorially and whispers "Not in front of Shino."

His eyebrow twitches again.

"Go. Away."

Very slowly, Naruto's other hand rises from the water. Sasuke twitches. It was getting close to his face. His face. If Naruto thought he could pinch his cheeks then he's about to find out how well water conducts electricity. Really fucking well, as it turns out. But he refrains from electrocuting the small group of people and instead casually slaps the hand out of the air.

Naruto grunts and tries again. "Say it!"

"No!" slap.

"Sayit!"

"No!" fucking slap!

A series of splashes and exclamations. Then, all noise comes to an abrupt halt.

Pause.

"EEEW! EEEEEW! THEY TOUCHED, THEY TOUCHED!"

"Shut the fuck-up!"

Kurenai makes all sorts of noises that Sakura really doesn't want to hear. Writhing about, flaunting her breasts like she's better than her. Well she's not.

Hinata starts drifting away so Sakura has to anchor her to something, because she doesn't trust Anko with Hinata's body. Not a bit. And despite the desire to just leave, because really that seems like a good choice, She doesn't want to have to walk past... them. They were blocking the exit those clever large-breasted bastards. They think they're better than her?

"You're not better than me goddamnit!"

"Ahhn… mnnyes… ah-right there-" Kurenai tosses her head.

"EEEW! EEEEEW! THEY TOUCHED, THEY TOUCHED!" roars over.

"aah-mmnah-yes… oh, Ankooo-aa-"

"Shut the fuck up!"

Sakura hates her life.

"Mnnn-ah! So… mnnn… so good…."

She hates it so very, very much.

Somewhere along the line the already poor atmosphere had degenerated to the point that Kiba initiated a farting contest about 'who could make the biggest bubbles', challenging Naruto (who was all too happy to join) and declaring anyone unwilling to join a 'pussy-footed-wuss-monger', whatever the hell that meant. Chouji, who'd been holding several in ever since he'd gotten in the water agreed if only for a cover. Shikimaru had left. No one was sure when or how. Sasuke had tried to escape but Naruto caught him in ways that would never be spoken of again. Shino still hadn't moved.

Blubblub…

"…Ooh dude! Gross!" Naruto fans at the air to no effect. Kiba preens.

Naruto screws up his face.

Blu…lub…

"What does this smell like?" The Inuzuka chokes out though laughter.

"Ramen, of course!"

Sasuke just sighs from his perch, far, far away from the idiots.

Chouji grunts and curls up, seemingly flexing every muscle in his body.

The water explodes. A quick series of rapid-firing bubbles the size of apples, followed by of a space probably double the size of Chouji himself hollowing out behind him. The floor of the bath visible for a good second before the water fills in the gap. Naruto's cheeks flap. It takes a moment for the shock to wear off.

"Ahhh! Ye-aahhmnnn… Yes! Ahhn-Ankoo… I… mmmn… I lo-"

"OHMYGOD!"

"I"MGONNAPUKE!"

"CHOUJI! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EAT!"

"I – I – BLUUUUUURGH!"

"OHH! DUDE!" a cough, "GR- GROSS!... I-RAAAAOUGHH!"

"BLLAAAAARGH!"

"Ahhn... Anko-!"

"OOOULLGH… BLUUGH!"

"WHAT'S HAPPENING! WHAT'S! HAPPENING!"

… Sakura hates her life. So very, very much.

Sakura gave up exactly one minute later and left with Hinata in tow, who she had to shake pretty hard to wake. The next day she would once again go to the baths, alone this time, only to find that they were closed for repairs. She would receive a bill for the cost of replacing the water and fixing the hole in the wall two days after in the mail, she would not pay.

Kurenai officially cut off relations with Asuma. Everyone knew what was up. Even Asuma, who was actually a bit excited.

Ino left the baths feeling more relaxed than she had in years, and would say so to Sakura and find a foot in her crotch not a moment later.

Lee was just gone. He would turn up three days later eight feet taller and acting like he'd been there the whole time. No one said a thing.

Chouji lost ten pounds... he would later gain ten pounds.