Characters/Pairings: Ichigo

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Summary: Ichigo does crack. The results are disasterous.

Things To Do When You're On Crack

Try to swim in the floor.

Ichigo practically bounced off the walls of his room. At one point, he got the notion into his head that he was going for a swim and jumped onto his desk and did a back-flip, effectively breaking his skull on the hardwood floor.

When you shower or bathe, yell "I'm drowning!"

Ichigo flailed around under the spray of water, tearing the shower curtain down. "I'M DROWNING!" he howled. Yuzu, who was in mid-stride outside with a hamper of laundry dropped everything she was doing and hastened to the door. When she discovered it was locked, she went into the beginnings of hysteria and flew down the stairs screaming for their father.

By the time Isshin got there, Ichigo had hopped out of the lavitory and was running down the street butt-ass naked. Orihime was strolling down the road with a plastic bag of groceries on hand, humming some off-key tune, when she spotted the former substitude flying towards her with all his junk hanging out. That shit would have been enough to induce a coma or something, but instead the fair-haired beauty went and did the girly thing and fainted.

Ichigo traveled a couple of blocks, mooning and flashing everyone including his teacher, Ochi-sensei, before the cops apprehended and arrested him.

Talk to a pen.

Ichigo had just done some cocaine in the stalls and was sitting at his desk in the classroom. Ochi-sensei was talking something about ethics but he was so zoned out he couldn't decipher what was being said. He was fucking stir-crazy. He needed to do something. His bloodshot eyes traveled down to the pen he was holding.

"What the hell are you looking at?" he said aloud to the writing utensil. His instructor dragged the chalk the wrong way on the board, elliciting a deafening screech from the friction.

"WHAT?" Ichigo bellowed, ignoring her and jumping from his chair. His fixed stare was now glued to the pen. "YOU WANNA FIGHT WITH ME? IS THAT IT?" Everyone looked at him.

"YEAH? WELL BRING IT!" Ichigo paused, waiting for the pen to "bring it". Nothing happened. The heated one-sided conversation continued in vigor while Ochi went to call his father.

Where a sticker that says "I'm retarded!"

Ichigo did just that. No one could keep their eyes off him for the entire day. His vocabulary for that entire time consisted of "What the hell are you looking at?" even though it was quite obvious.

Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.

"It's against my religion!" Ichigo declared when his father dragged him from the table after he sat down for breakfast with his sisters...in the nude.

"It's against my religion!" Ichigo declared when the officials took him in after he waltzed straight into the school hallway without his clothes. Orihime was in a tizzy, Tatsuki was pissed, Chad was silent (no big surprise there), Chizuru was drooling (AGAIN, no surprise), and Uryu felt disgraced by the mere sight of such shame.

"IT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION!" Ichigo howled, dashing down the corridors of the psyche ward, flashing all the patients as the workers gave chase.

Run into walls.

Ichigo broke his face.

Try to sell your money.

Ichigo stood on the auctioneer's platform, holding up a crisp one-dollar bill.

"A hundred dollars! A hundred dollars for this American one-dollar bill, in good condition!"

Complete quiet.

"A THOUSAND dollars!"

Still nothing.

"ANYBODY?"

Ichigo looked down at the rows of seats to find that no one was there in the studio.

Ask for directions to a place you're already at.

"I WANNA GO TO KARAKURA!" Ichigo shouted.

"You're already there, jack-ass!" Tatsuki hissed.

"NO I'M NOT!"

Tatsuki face-palmed.

Eat your hair.

Ichigo had the munchies. He cut his hair off with some scissors and began stuffing his face with it.

He chocked to death.

Something REALLY random I thought up and wrote down. :) I'm contemplating doing a second version with Ichi's Hollow.