Oh, yes. I was this bored.

...

Merlin: Twilified

There was something about bats that had always fascinated the nineteen year old Merlin Emrys. Sure, he worked with spiders, tarantulas, snakes, poisonous frogs, and rodents, but the bats were definitely his favorite. They had two species of bat in the Dark House, the Common Vampire Bat, which had been added after someone let people vote on what kind of bat they wanted to add to the exhibit without realizing that the vampire bat was the only bat normal people knew, and then Merlin's favorite, the Talaud Flying Fox, a giant species of endangered bat, of which the zoo had a female and was waiting for the male to arrive from Madagascar.

Bats, in Merlin's opinion, were like mice, but could fly, and were therefore a hundred times better. Merlin had published two essays, one on the complex bat societies and another on their cooperative flight patterns; the essays had gained recognition for being well researched, well phrased, and very informative and were apparently favorites of the few biologists that cared about bats enough to read the paper of an amateur who was really more of a janitor in a zoo to a zookeeper and had made it through high school by the skin of his teeth despite the best efforts to expel him by one of his teachers and as of yet could not afford college. So a small few people had read and liked his work, but for Merlin that was an accomplishment.

Especially considering Merlin had never had a lasting, or even impactful, effect on anything or anyone. His best friend, Will, had several other friends as close to him as Merlin was, and his social interactions were then limited to the zoo. Or possibly even the Dark House, which consisted of Lance, who worked exclusively with the large collection of rodents and only occasionally the other creatures, and Percy, who was the actual janitor and spent his working hours shouting at little kids to stop tapping the glass of the reticulated python because seriously, someone had to feed that thing later and since that someone was Merlin, if Merlin got eaten his poor-as-dirt mother was likely to sue. And Percy, who seemed nice but also creepy, was not Merlin's friend. Lance could be called a friend, but he had a large collection of other people who he spent time with outside of work whereas Merlin and Doctor Who just kept getting closer.

There was probably a level of nerdiness that Merlin had passed long before he actually found out that fish sticks and custard made for a good, lonely, bachelor meal. His landlady must think he was crazy. Most people did, especially when Merlin would accidentally slip something into the conversation like 'Don't take the 2:30, a tree will fall over the line tomorrow and it'll be delayed' or 'Congratulations, you're going to be pregnant in a week when you hook up with that drunk guy at the bar, but it'll all work out if you remember the barbecue sauce'.

Will probably only stayed friends with Merlin because he knew that he could see the future. Will had, several times, bullied Merlin into revealing who was going to win FIFA or a horse race. But Will was probably also still suffering Merlin's company because he was the one who had introduced Merlin to James in the first place, and he likely felt very, very, very guilty for how that all turned out.

But James was eight months ago, and there had been the absolute failure of Gareth back in high school, so Will felt like Merlin should be used to getting cheated on, completely played by a total jerk, threatened when he tried to break it off, and then slapped with ridiculous amounts of credit card debt. And Will was still trying to introduce Merlin to people, although granted he was no longer recommending guys he only knew because they'd talked footie together one night at a bar.

Merlin had found, over the whole fiasco with James, which the only good thing that had happened was that James' ex, a girl, which should have raised Merlin's suspicions in the first place, had connections at the zoo and was perfectly willing to take Merlin's job application out of the trash and hand it to her daddy. That also should have been suspicious, but at least she was nice after she found out that James had been sleeping with both of them, because they'd found it out together and found out then that he'd been sleeping with another girl, one with more than enough cash to burn, on the side. Or the side of the side.

Merlin wasn't really as over James as he liked to pretend he was; which was why he was so bloody good at his work, because for the moment it was his entire life.

Will didn't understand Merlin's fascination with zoology, but Merlin didn't understand Will's love of college, girls, and advanced chemistry, so at the very least life evened out. Lance, a veterinarian who worked exclusively in the Dark House because the other five veterinarians were all women who refused to touch the creepy crawly creatures in the large building that was specifically designed to fascinate young boys and gross out young girls, at least understood Merlin better. Or, sort of.

Lance was going through a rather rough relationship patch as well. He had a crush of Quinn or Gwinn, the girl who worked with the wolf show, and she had a boyfriend already.

But, Lance worked with rodents, which meant that every single female who entered the northeast section of the Camelot Zoo, thus named because it was in the town and county of Camelot, saw Lance with a bunny and subsequently died with desire. It was a pity Lance was straight, because Merlin could totally see himself getting past James with Lance's help. But women were the lucky ones. They had Lance, Johnny Depp, Matt Smith, Brad Pitt, Patrick Dempsey, Orlando Bloom, Hugh Jackman, Justin Bieber, and David Tennant.

Merlin had a wide range of preferences.

And James hadn't even been that good looking, he'd just bought Merlin dinner and seemed all nice and had a really, really nice smile. Merlin had absolutely fallen for it.

And he was quite fine with turning into a recluse, which was something he needed right now more than anything. There was thousands of dollars in credit card debt that wasn't his but had been bought in his name, and he needed to work as much as he could because finally, after eight months, he was ahead of the interest and the damned bills were getting smaller. And there was nothing bad with being a recluse, they were a particularly nasty brand of spider that the zoo didn't have and… so maybe he spend far too much of his time in a dimly lit building cleaning display windows and feeding grubs to strange animals. Pity that Merlin couldn't pull a James and find some unsuspecting, completely innocent, big blue eyed idiot who wouldn't notice when he was suddenly paying for all of James' bills, and clothes, and food, and even rent. Merlin couldn't. He didn't have the looks for it. Or the heart, but that was beyond the point.

And anyway, James was over. Gone. Disappeared. Probably pulling the same trick on three girls, two boys, and five prostitutes all at once somewhere in Germany under the name of Rodolpho. Wasn't like Merlin cared.

Anyway, life in the Dark House had been pretty bleak as of late. The girl Lance had been pining over for three months, as long as Merlin had worked there, started being driven home by a guy who was certainly not her father and more than likely not taking her home. And who knew what Percy was doing, he barely ever talked except to yell.

Lance was now feeding baby gophers and staring out into the distance, looking like a lead in a mariachi band after a girl he meant to serenade slapped him across the face and stole his funny hat.

It wasn't a perfect analogy.

"You can do so much better," Merlin tried. He was warming one of the bottles of nutritious fruit mix in his hands. Lance merely grunted, so Merlin stumbled on, "Like, what about that pretty girl who gave you her number when you were giving that impromptu lesson on why mice diets don't consist entirely of cheese?"

"Fourteen," was Lance's clipped reply.

"Really?" Merlin blinked. "She seemed so much older."

Lance looked up at Merlin, breaking his concentration on the wall for a moment. "She had pigtails," he grumbled. Then he looked at the gopher.

"Well, I'm not exactly an expert on women," Merlin defended. He paused. "Right, not helping. Er…" Merlin searched for words. "We can go to a club?"

Lance looked at him.

"Not a gay blub, a normal nightclub. One where you can meet some straight girl with… big breasts and all that stuff straight guys like and take her home," Merlin offered.

"Merlin," Lance stroked the baby gopher's fur, "I don't do one night stands."

Merlin shifted awkwardly. It was bad enough sitting on the ground, but he and Lance were awkwardly squeezed in a small space between the display case and the exhibit, trying to avoid the whining of all the other baby gophers, if turtles could whine. "Well then… ask out that girl who works the night shift, Sophie."

"Sophia," Lance corrected.

"Yeah, she's pretty." Merlin at least thought so, but he was never entirely sure. Considering what Lance thought was pretty might not be Merlin's view of pretty, considering Merlin wanked to Johnny Depp and David Tennant, whereas Lance probably liked… like… that model whose bikini body was plastered all over everywhere and slightly grossed Merlin out with that softness and that long hair that probably got stuck everywhere. Girls.

"Yeah, she is," Lance agreed.

Merlin mentally congratulated himself. "So?" He shoved Lance slightly, trying to be playful, but Lance almost let go of the gopher. "Sorry," Merlin apologized.

"Look, I just don't want to see anyone," Lance argued.

"She's not the only girl in the world," Merlin tried.

Lance set the turtle down in the exhibit and sighed. "Corny Merlin, that was just corny, and you know it."

Merlin shrugged. "So?"

"Okay," Lance tried to stretch, but there wasn't much space, and he ended up giving up and sighing. "I don't want to go out with another girl, I like Gwen, and that's it."

Merlin looked at him.

"Seriously," Lance insisted.

"But you're going to be really happy someday. You're going to find some girl and have eight kids, which I personally think is ridiculous but you're going to adopt six of them, and perhaps you should rethink giving them all a pet because when Grace gets a cat and the twins get those bull dogs it will cause way to much of a mess-"

Lance snapped his fingers in front of Merlin's nose, bringing him back to reality.

He'd known Merlin for just over three months, and so he was used to Merlin randomly spouting out hints of the future. And ever since Merlin had turned out to be right the first twelve times, Lance had mostly encouraged it. But he'd already been told he was going to have eight kids, and probably knew more about his future than he'd like. So recently Lance had started ignoring Merlin when he began to talk about the future. He was one of those people who liked surprises.

"Sorry," Merlin said.

"Look," Lance sighed, "I'm not going with you to a club, Merlin, and I'm not asking out Sophia." With an air of finality, he added, "That's just it."

And that was it; then later that day, when Merlin and Lance were locking up, Gwen walked by with tall, dark, and handsome holding her arm like it was the Victorian age and chivalry wasn't dead. Lance quietly remarked that maybe he wasn't so adverse to the whole dating thing after all.

…

Lance said that online dating programs were corny, then apologized because he somehow interpreted Merlin's expression as Merlin meaning that he had one until Merlin assured Lance that he didn't, and did not want to go through the harrowing process of meeting a pretty girl, sneaking around to learn her name, and then finding a creative way to ask her out. Because, obviously, Lance failed at that earlier with Gwen from the wolves exhibit. The solution: speed dating. And since Lance didn't want to be completely alone… well.

Will told Merlin that he was being a total sucker. And maybe Merlin was, because maybe even he hadn't been able to resist the sight of Lance hand feeding an orphaned baby bunny rabbit. Maybe he was hoping the fiasco with Gwen and a few worse dating choices might open Lance up to something other then women.

So it was, under the worst circumstances he could imagine, that Merlin and Lance signed their names on a list and paid thirty-five pounds, then went to sit down awkwardly in The Bite, some weird, chic, restaurant that Will grudgingly recommended. It was the typical sort of scene, Merlin had gone to a speed dating thing twice before, once not to participate and another because Will was dragging him out to meet new people and thought that it would help. There was just one little odd thing about it.

There were about thirty people there, more coming in, the questionnaire was cliché and ridiculous, and the sunny, far-too-happy-is-she-like-high-woman in her forties had a large name tag with her name 'Rosie', ick, and was calling out 'Once you finish your questionnaire please give it to our bartenders' every five minutes. Of all the people there, she probably needed to get laid the most.

However, the odd thing about the whole place was that everyone there was enormously good-looking. Like, Merlin was the equivalent of a pile of sick in comparison sort of good-looking. Of course, Lance, with his loose, black shirt, dress pants, neat hair, and of course, good looks, didn't look out of place.

Merlin sunk deep into his stool at the bar and half heartedly began on the questionnaire. Name: Merlin Allen Emrys. Were we supposed to write out our whole name, or just a nickname? Should I cross out 'Allen'? Should I write a nickname? But, oh my God, if someone calls me 'Merl' like James used to I am going to die. He left it.

Occupation: Well… I'm not officially a zookeeper or a janitor, and what does 'Supervisor' even mean in relation to a zoo… Animal Supervisor or something like that.

Income: Not much. Sure, the question for the person trying to take all of your money. I wonder if thieves come to these places to pick people to rob.

Gender: Male.And because Merlin was feeling ornery he added, Last I checked.

Merlin rolled his eyes. "I know," Lance said, smiling, "Should we back out now?"

YES! "No, the goal is to find you a girlfriend and, according to Will, this place is pretty good at that." Although Merlin had not liked Theresa, Will's girlfriend, and they had broken up, but that was over some argument that was sex related, so Merlin hadn't asked for the details.

"Yeah," and Lance didn't even seem upset as he looked out, interested, into the crowd of people. There were quite a few people sitting at the bar when Merlin and Lance were, because it ran the length of two walls, but a large section in the center, part of which seemed to normally be a dance floor, was filled with small tables and chairs where the majority of people were sitting. Two pretty girls, sitting on opposite sides of the room, were looking at Lance with obvious interest. They caught his eye, and smiled.

Right then any notion Merlin had that he might, eventually, win Lance over died a cold and miserable death. Feeling slightly ill, he mumbled, "I'm getting a drink."

"So soon? But shouldn't you be sober for the dating…" Lance trailed off when he noticed a gorgeous, dark skinned girl in a low cut, purple dress eying him.

"My best decisions are not made sober," Merlin said quietly. That was true, because Gareth, some bloke discovering sexuality who wanted someone to fuck and do his physics homework, and James, his colossal mistake, were decisions Merlin had made without the excuse of being drunk. And so had the decision to come to this miserable place with bright lights and far too many pretty people. Merlin did not fit in here.

His cheeks burned as the bartender, responding to Merlin's small wave, came over. Because the bartender was gorgeous. Fit, strong, big brown eyes and perfect hair which did more to remind Merlin of where he did not belong, and that was here on an episode of Gorgeous, Lonely People Dating More Gorgeous, Lonely People, than to turn him on. Somehow Merlin managed to mumble out that he wanted a strong beer and 'Kay' left to get it with a roll of his eyes.

Cats or Dogs. Circle one. Neither, Merlin thought, so he wrote bats down next to the question.

Interested in:

And now there is way too much space for merely 'Men' or 'Women', but Merlin wrote down Men anyway. As a forethought, he added no one named James and then he took two minutes to cross out those last four words.

Kay brought him his beer, and Merlin didn't even look up, he just slid the money across the counter.

Had there been a sign outside saying only really handsome people could enter? How did Merlin get in?

"What's something interesting about me?" Lance asked, apparently stumped by the question.

Merlin thought for a moment and then answered, "Your football team won a tourney last week."

Lance nodded. And as he wrote he wondered, "How did you know about that?"

"Lance, you invited me. I was there." Because, like a loser who had no friends, Merlin had nothing better to do.

What is a dealbreaker for you?

Damn, that question sucks on so many levels.

Cheating, Merlin wrote, all while remembering that it hadn't been a dealbreaker. He'd told James they could work through it, that Merlin would be alright.

Merlin sighed, wishing he could be anywhere else, and added Smoking. He hated that.

What is something you love in a partner?

Not making me feel like a complete and total idiot, Merlin thought bitterly, like I feel right now. Then he entertained the notion of writing 'Good sex', but decided it made him seem like a freak. He was about to write 'Likes Dr. Who' when he realized that that might make him also look like a freak and would reveal him to be the nerd that he was.

Sleeps in. Merlin wrote, remembering James' early morning runs, which likely were just excuses to see one of his girlfriends. Doesn't totally hate my abysmal cooking, then Merlin added, Likes Dr. Who because after thinking about it, he decided that it was important. And suddenly, Merlin remembered the time he'd brought home the pregnant tarantula. Doesn't mind if I bring work home.

The thought of James, in his underwear, screaming on the kitchen table, made Merlin smirk. Maybe helping Lance wasn't that bad. He could always go home when this was over and pretend like it never happened. Or maybe he could meet someone.

Cause Merlin really, really needed to get over his piece of shit ex-boyfriend.

What is something interesting about you?

Ah, no wonder Lance had trouble with this question. I can see the future? Merlin thought.

Except it wasn't like that. It was normally like he was talking to someone, or shaking their hand, and then there was a flash of light and he suddenly found himself babbling on about someone's house burning down tomorrow and saving the cat.

Besides, that was much too weird to write. So Merlin thought through him life, decided being raised by a single mom wasn't interesting enough, not did the problem with his old teacher from high school. He didn't know anyone famous. His only relative was an uncle who lived somewhere in Camelot, but who Merlin hadn't met yet. He'd already mentioned that bats were his favorite animal, so Merlin gave up and wrote I like waffles?

And he did like waffles, so maybe it counted.

You are so lame, Merlin chided himself. And he took a sip of god-awful beer.

"Five minutes!" The too cheery lady announced.

Merlin was halfway through the page and there was a back. Shit.

Merlin scribbled out answers to the remaining questions, finished just in time to hand the paper, with Lance's, to an expectant bartender Kay.

"Well, this is going to be fun," Lance said grinning.

Damn him for enjoying this.

Merlin sank back in his stool and took a large gulp of gross beer, all while wishing he was invisible.

…

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