Another surprise oneshot. No pairing. Xander had been deaged to 16 in this fic.

I do not own buffy the vampire slayer or twilight

Xander never thought something like this would ever happen to him. Oh who was he kidding? He thought about it nearly every day. He thought about it when he woke up, he thought about it when he was eating, he thought about it when he was taking a shower. Hell, it even slipped into his mind a few times when he was spanking the monkey.

So, it was only inevitable and probably his own damn fault when he was thrown into the twilight universe by one of willow's faulty spells. It was most definitely his own damn fault when he was bitten and turned into a vampire.

But that thing with Edward Cullen's hair was totally not his fault.

Willow was practicing her spell casting again since returning from the magical witchy rehab center. Xander had noticed that she began using magic more and more again, but when he tried to tell the others they wouldn't listen to him.

They didn't have the time. Xander was just making stuff up. Willow knew the consequences and wouldn't screw up again.

Yeah right. On the way back from a pizza run Xander had stepped into the living room right into some super powered spell that had gotten away from willow's control. It had gone through him and felt like it was ripping him apart and eventually he lost consciousness.

When he had gained consciousness again he woke up in the middle of a forest. Some vampire lady was crouching above him and looking at him like he was a nummy treat. In fact, she had confirmed his thought by biting him.

Boy did that hurt and he thought Willow's spell was bad. This whole vampire turning thing had nothing on Willow's magic. Every piece of him felt like it had been ripped to pieces and thrown into a pit of boiling lava. Quite frankly it sucked.

Waking up sucked even more. Apparently, he was expected to join some sort of vampire army to take down a coven of vampire and some werewolves that were protecting a human girl. He knew the story, he knew what was going to happen and he knew that it was all going to hell. But most importantly he knew that his presence was going to screw up quite a few things. He was blessed by Janus God of Chaos, he couldn't help it.

He thought he played stupid, brainless newborn vampire rather well. They suspected nothing of him and he soon lost himself in the vampire army waiting for his chance to strike. Two other vampires Bree and Riley were also more than they seemed, but Xander didn't draw their attention either. They would be useful later on, but they could cause problems for him if they knew of his loyalties.

He was loyal to himself and only himself. Screw Victoria. Screw Bella Swan. Screw Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. He wanted to get through this alive and the only way to do that was to either run, or make the Volturi interested in him enough to let him live.

Xander thought he was a pretty interesting person. Even after the turning he remained with all of his human memories, bloodlust did not consume him and guess what his eyes were still brown. He could make then red if he felt like it, which he did around victoria and her cronies, but he liked his brown. He had lived most of his life with brown eyes with only the occasional lime green from the hyena thrown in.

Brown eyes were cool and all, but what was even better was his power. Yeah, you heard right. The Xanman had a super cool vampire power. He could literally see people's emotions. It doesn't seem pretty cool, but if you couple that with his prevampire one who sees ability he was able to not only determine what type of person someone was, but he could almost predict their next actions. He wouldn't call himself a seer by any means, but he could read a person better than any mind reader.

Take that Edward Cullen!

Which brings him to his main issue. Surviving this halfass war between a pissy bitch and a prissy bitch i.e. Victoria and Edward.

It's not that he didn't like Edward...okay he had promised that he wouldn't lie to himself years ago. He didn't like Edward. He was such a pushy, manipulative, broody bitch. He had rooted for Jacob in the series just because Edward remained him of Angel too much. I mean have you seen his hair? What the hell? Is that natural or is that like three cans of gel and hairspray?

Anyways all he had to do was survive this thing, be the Volturi's buttmonkey for a few years and then go off and explore the world. He had always wanted to see Egypt and he knew from experience that the people of Africa knew about vampires and most people wouldn't care that his skin sparkled. Yeah, they might try to give him a wider berth but they wouldn't freak out. The people in Africa were cool like that.

So, here he was in the woods of Forks, Washington about to sabotage a battle between the species. This was going to be fun.

Riley, Bree and Xander were all that was left of Victoria's army. Victoria herself had died from a torn out throat and a hasty burning and riley had not fallen for her feminine wiles like in the book. The wolves and the Cullens surrounded them and Xander wondered when the Volturi were going to show themselves. He could feel them hiding in the forest.

He was totally serious. Completely and utterly serious. He knew that the situation was dire. Really he did, but you must understand that it wasn't his fault. Really it wasn't.

Xander took one look at Edward Cullen's gravity defying hair and began to laugh his ass off. He clutched his stomach and pointed at Edward gasping for unneeded breath as he laughed.

"Dude! Your hair hasn't moved an inch since we started fighting. How much hair gel do you use?" he laughed harder as Edward's face set into the brooding look that was totally Deadboy. Ha. Deadboy the third, direct descendent from Deadboy Sr. and step brother of Deadboy Jr.

He caught movement from the corner of his eyes and his laughter died down to snickers as the Volturi entered the forest. Wow. Was that Dakota Fanning? Wow, she looks kind of scary in the imperial queen type way. Kind of hot too.

He gasped as pain ripped through him; he sunk to one knee and gritted his teeth. When it passed he looked back up at Ms. Psycho Queenie Bitch and smirked at her.

"Oooh kinky."

"You dare talk to me that way, newborn?" she sneered down at him and little Xander decided to perk up a bit. Apparently, vampXan had a kink and boy did Ms. Psycho Queenie Bitch notice.

From the look on her face and aura, which was way less homicidal than he thought it was going to be, Xander knew that his next few years with the Volturi were going to be very interesting. And if he stayed more than a few years than he expected to, well that might have been his fault.

Ha. Just a quick and funny oneshot. enjoy and check out my polls