Disclaimer – I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! or this obvious Christmas song!

*Rated M for Mature

Author's Note – Happy Holidays!

Summary: Seto Kaiba's take on the twelve days of Christmas. Who said showing true love was dead?

The 12 Days of Christmas: Seto Kaiba Style

Seto didn't know if he wanted to bash his head against a wall, bash someone else's head against a wall, or just blow up a damn wall. Why did Christmas have to be so difficult?

No. He took that back. Joey made Christmas difficult. How was he supposed to woo the blond during the holiday season, let alone get his attention in a positive way?

Sure, he could shower him in gifts, but as soon as Joey knew the gifts were from him, all hell would break loose.

…unless he did it anonymously. Now that was an idea. Tapping his hands on his desk, a smirk crossed his features as his plan slowly started forming in his head. If Joey didn't like him after this, then he didn't know who would.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, a partridge in a pear tree.

As soon as Joey walked into his class and saw a wrapped gift on his desk, he was elated. And as he sat down in his seat and peeked at the note, he grew confused. There was no sender, but the message demanded that he open the gift immediately.

Shrugging, he unwrapped the gift and opened the box, only to find…a bottle. That was it?

But there was a note tied to the neck which read: Open me.

That was simple enough. Reaching for the cork, he pulled…and pulled…and stood up to pull some more.

"Stupid cor—ack!" he screeched when the menacing object suddenly shot from the bottle and flew across the room, where it made to hit the teacher in the eye.

"Mr. Wheeler! Principal! Now!" the man raged.

Paling, Joey grabbed the bottle and fled. While he made his way down the hall, he tipped the bottle. A small note fell out. It read: On the first day of Christmas, I, your true love, will shower you in gifts that express my love and devotion to you for the next eleven days.

Joey smiled at that. Someone liked him! But who? Maybe his 'true love' would let more slip as the days went on. This was going to be fun!

On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, two turtle doves.

The gift on his desk was a lot smaller today. Joey sat down, the other students peering at him, waiting to see what he'd get today.

Smiling to himself, the blond opened the gift, and found two ceramic hearts inside connected with a gold chain. It was beautiful. And the hearts looked as if they were porcelain or something.

Glancing around the room, he tried to see if he could detect who his 'true love' might be, but no one seemed to pop out at him.

Oh, well. There was always tomorrow.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, three French hens.

Joey nearly skipped to his desk this today. As he plopped himself down in his seat, he ripped the package open and peered inside.

There were three jars of chocolate…BODY FROSTING?

The blond jumped from his seat and screamed, earning a few weird looks.

He reached in and pulled one of the jars out and re-read it, just to make sure. It was chocolate body frosting! And—oh, god—there were different flavors? Milk chocolate, cherries and chocolate, and cinnamon and chocolate.

His 'true love' was a fucking pervert.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, four calling birds.

Joey had been tempted yesterday to throw away the body frosting. But the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to keep it. The stuff was free chocolate, after all. As long as he wasn't putting it on anyone—or anyone putting it on him—the gift was perfectly fine.

So if he received another edible gift today, no matter if it was perverted or not, he was going to keep it…and eat it.

As he sat down at his desk, the blond looked at today's gift. Well, it was now or never.

Opening it, he resisted the urge to throw the gift across the room. Inside were four pairs of fuzzy handcuffs.

"What the hell is this shit?" Joey screeched.

"Mr. Wheeler! Do I really need to say it?" stated the teacher.

"I'm goin'," groaned the blond as he left the room and headed for the principal's office, fuming. His 'true love' was a pervert, all right.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, five golden rings.

Joey sighed as he sat at his desk. Another day, another gift. How bad was this one going to be? Well, there was only one way to find out.

He opened the festively decorated package and hesitated a glance inside. Bottles. Bottles weren't bad. They were—

"Crap," he mumbled under his breath. They were massage oils. Tasty massage oils! Original, cherry almond, raspberry kiss, vanilla crème, and chocolate mint.

He paled.

But then a thought struck him. What was original supposed to taste like?

He immediately blanched at the thought. "This pervert is getting' inside my head."

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, six geese a-laying.

Joey'd had the whole weekend to figure out how to handle this week's gifts. And he'd come up empty-handed. He figured that the gifts would just get worse as time went on.

So when he sat at his desk, he'd mentally prepared himself for the worst. But when he opened his gift, he paused.

Inside were six gourmet chocolate dipped berries—strawberries, to be exact. That wasn't bad. That wasn't bad at all.

Content, he began eating them in class, completely unaware of the eyes that watched him.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, seven swans a-swimming.

Maybe Joey was overreacting to the gifts he was getting. They weren't…all bad. Sure, some he could live without, but the thought was what counted, right?

Seating himself at his desk, he quickly opened the new gift.

Then he paused.

Then he flipped his desk over, the seven sex dice bouncing on the ground.

"You're the one givin' me this shit?" Joey screamed as he lunged at Duke. Tristan held him back.

"Me? I'm not giving you anything!" he protested. "I swear! I have nothing to do with it!"

Joey broke free and tackled Duke to the ground. "Who else would send me dice? That's your thing, Dice Boy!"

"It…wasn't…me!" Duke cried as the blond tugged at his hair. "Let me go!"

"MR. WHEELER!"

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, eight maids a-milking.

Joey came into class thankful that he hadn't been suspended yesterday. If he expected to get through the rest of these gifts, he had to keep a level head.

But it was just proving to be more and more difficult as time went on. He almost bailed on going to class because he was afraid of what might be in the dreaded gifts.

However, he was not one to just stand down, so he went to class and stared at the package. When he got the nerve, he opened it. Apparently, his little outburst yesterday might have given reason for today's gift.

It was an eight piece aromatherapy kit, complete with a ceramic diffuser, three powerful essential oil blends, three replacement candles, and an instruction booklet. This was perfectly harmless.

So them why the hell was he having dirty thoughts?

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, nine ladies dancing.

Joey groaned. There were only a few days left of this ordeal, which could only mean that things would get progressively worse.

And boy, was his prediction correct.

Why he even lifted the things out of the box was beyond him. But he hadn't known what they were at first until a girl screamed bloody murder. That was when he realized that the box contained nine greatly detailed sex books.

"Mr. Wheeler! Having explicit material at school has earned you yet another trip to the principal!"

"What? But these ain't even mine!"

"Were they gifts?"

"Yeah."

"And are they in your possession?"

"Yeah."

"Then they're yours."

"…"

"Go."

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, ten lords a-leaping.

Joey decided to play it smart this time. As soon as he spotted the gift on his desk, he grabbed it and bolted for the bathroom. At least then he'd have some privacy.

Making sure he was alone, he quickly unwrapped the gift…and gaped.

Ten nights of passion? Who the hell was this person?

There were three tubes of motion lotion, a soft and tickly brush, a length of satin, and ten double-sided cards with sexy suggestions.

He promptly dropped the box and ran.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, eleven pipers piping.

Joey swallowed hard as he holed himself up in a bathroom stall with today's gift; it was the only thing he could come up with over the weekend. He tapped his fingers on it, growing even jitterier by the minute. It was now or never.

He opened the gift…and cringed.

It was an eleven piece mile high sensual erotic companion kit. There was a blindfold, a "Do Not Disturb" door hanger, massage oil, a feather tickler, a mini personal massager—

He couldn't look anymore.

"Thank goodness there's only one day left," he sighed, letting his head hit the wall.

But that meant something else other than a final gift. He might just end up meeting the person who'd sent him everything.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, twelve drummers drumming.

Joey trudged into class. He hadn't gotten a wink of sleep all night. And today was the last day for gift giving—or rather, receiving—too.

When his gaze landed on his desk, he froze. On it laid a sweetheart bouquet, consisting of twelve roses in red, pink, and white with baby's breath. They were stunning, endearing…sweet.

Picking up the bouquet, he felt the longing stares from the girls in the class and felt contentedly smug.

But then he spotted a note in the roses. It read: If you wish to meet your true love, come to the bleachers after school.

Finally! He was finally going to meet this mystery person!

Joey paced back and forth with his bouquet, growing more impatient every step. And when he saw a certain brunet head his way, he wished he could engulf the guy in flames.

"Not now, Kaiba. I'm meetin' someone."

"Is that so?" replied Seto with a smirk.

"Yeah. Now get lost," Joey insisted.

"It's funny."

"Huh? What is?"

"I'm meeting someone, too."

"What's your point?"

"Are you really that stupid?" Seto deadpanned. The blond really hadn't figured it out? Even after his 'meeting' clue? "I'm here to meet you."

"…"

"Oh, for—I'm the one who sent you the fucking gifts!" the brunet yelled, losing all patience. How could one person be so infuriating?

"You're the one who sent me this stuff?" Joey screeched as he soon gaped at him.

"Yes."

"Ya perverted bastard!" he screamed as he started beating Seto down with the bouquet. "Do ya know what kinda trouble ya got me in? Do ya realize that I had to talk to the principal about this shit?"

"Ack! Stop hitting me!" said Seto as he tried to dodge the blows.

"Why couldn't ya have asked me out or somethin' like a normal person?" he asked as he stopped swinging the bouquet at him.

"…that would've worked?"

"Of course it woulda—do I have to hit ya again?" he threatened.

"No," the brunet replied quickly. "So…do you want to have dinner with me?"

"Are ya payin'?"

"Yes."

"Is this gonna be a date?"

"Yes."

"Are there pervy things involved?"

"Ye—no. Maybe. It depends."

Whap!

"Ow! Would you stop that? Those roses have thorns!"

"No pervy stuff!" stated Joey, before he started walking away. He glanced back and winked. "At least not on the first date."

Seto was stunned. That sounded promising. Perhaps it was going to be a good holiday season after all.

End