disintegration
if it's meant to be, it will be.

Kaname always leaves.

It's just a matter of how long the duration is; sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks. His longest had been four months.

Kaname always leaves, and he never writes back.

Zero wonders if it's perhaps, he's too busy, or he just doesn't bother. Writing is a pointless affair anyway. A pureblood vampire lord has more important things weighing on his shoulders. Writing is trivial. Zero wonders if he's not important enough to him, or –

Nonetheless, he waits. He waits for that imaginary letter to arrive. He waits for his return.

Whenever Kaname informs him about his upcoming departure, Zero never asks why.

It's April. The cherry blossoms are beautiful.

Kaname conveys the news on a chilly Saturday morning, while they were on a quiet, peaceful walk in the park, savouring the beautiful time of the year. It was quick, like the zigzagged cracks an earthquake delivers, and finally the impact. However, for Zero, the impact never comes. It hasn't been coming for a while now.

"How long?" He asks later on.

"Seven months, maybe eight, if the situation doesn't comply."

Zero looks up at the cherry blossom trees, and catches a petal that was falling gently down. He felt like that dusty pink petal, falling, falling, falling; but who's going to catch him?

"Okay. Merry Christmas in advance."

He doesn't know what else to say. He wanted to tell him to not leave, not leave him behind, to write to him, tell him that he'll miss him, but the words get choked. They never came out.

Kaname chuckles in that deep baritone of his.

"Yes. Merry Christmas, Zero."

They continued on their stroll, palm to palm, fingers intertwined. Children were playing, couples were cuddling, the cherry blossoms are beautiful. Everyone was happy.

Zero wonders if he's happy.

It's April, and it's their second year together. He feels happy and fortunate to be by Kaname's side, but he always ponders wistfully if Kaname feels the same.

Seven months. Seven long months without Kaname.

(I'll miss him I'm missing him he him he'll be gone I miss)

"When?"

Kaname stalled his reply.

"Tomorrow. The flight's tomorrow."

Zero's heart clenched tightly in his chest.

"Alright. I won't be sending you off."

Kaname simply chuckles again, and leans down towards Zero and kisses him gently on the lips. It tasted sweet, but the bitterness in Zero's heart made its way up to his lips. Bitter. It tastes bitter. His eyes fluttered shut. He'll lock these tears up.

The cherry blossoms fall gently down.

Zero doesn't know where he's gone to. Kaname never says. To be unable to communicate with your loved one; it's a terrible feeling.

It feels like he just disappears into thin air. Traces of Kaname lingers in Zero's life, his clothes, his toothbrush, the teddy, his novels. Traces of their memories, their love. Zero grasps onto these treasures tightly, he was afraid, so afraid, that one day, they might actually disappear just like their owner himself.

He wakes up everyday next to an empty spot. He never got used to the feeling, even with Kaname's frequent travelling.

It feels like he's never around anymore, Zero thinks bitterly.

He buries himself in Kaname's favourite novel, wearing Kaname's shirt. It is a tad oversized, but it gave Zero that sense of security, that he's going to come home someday.

He falls asleep with these treasures by his side during each passing day whenever Kaname isn't around.

His scent lingers, and he buries his nose deeper into the shirts.

It's July, the summer heat is suffocating. Zero wonders if it's the same where Kaname is right now.

It's been three months, and as usual, Kaname hasn't written back. Zero checks the mailbox every morning, to see the telltale sign of an envelope with his cursive font addressed to him, or even a postcard. He never received one.

This. This is slowly crumbling, breaking apart, decaying. This thing they have. It's disintegrating.

Kaname's sister asks if he's received any news about him. He lies.

"He says he's well."

Yuuki responds with a sigh of relief.

"That's good," she smiles. "At least he writes back to the one he loves."

Zero wishes that it was true. If only.

Zero remembers the day Kaname had confessed his feelings for him. He had that memory etched so vividly in his mind, kept right next to his heart.

They were eighteen. Mature young men. The hate that used to exist between the two had slowly ebbed away over the years, and the two started becoming acquaintances, friends, and finally lovers.

The people around them were aware of this growing relationship they had. Some had taken the news well, the others not so; the chairman and Yuuki, for their parts, had been the happiest for them. The other noble vampires needed some time for them to get used to the fact that their pureblood prince holds the Level E with great affection, though they finally accepted it, but not without some light-hearted threats from the more hot-headed ones that he'd 'better treasure Kaname-sama well, or else!'

Kaname asks on a Sunday afternoon, in an ice cream restaurant, over their Chocolate and Vanilla sundaes. It was a lovely day.

"Let's go out."

He had taken Zero by surprise, and he stared at him with wide eyes. Kaname laughs.

"Hey, don't act as though I'm the only one."

"Tch. Your self-esteem is too high for your own good, you lousy vampire."

Zero was so, so happy, but he doesn't show it. Kaname knows him well enough.

They spent the rest of the day together, fingers intertwined. Lips pressed together.

November. The weather is unbearably chilly. A small part of Zero subconsciously wishes that the pureblood was here to hug him, envelope him, keep him warm with his body heat, tell him long-lost stories until he falls asleep in his arms.

He wonders if Kaname wishes the same.

It's already been seven months. He isn't back yet.

He received a letter addressed to him in his mailbox one day. He pulled it out excitedly, tearing open the envelope ever so carefully and was greeted by the sight of a printed letter.

'Kaname wishes to inform you that the trip would be extended due to unforeseen circumstances (…)'

It was from Ichijou. Zero didn't bother reading the rest of the letter. He crushes it into a ball and chucked it away. He tells himself that he doesn't miss him at all.

He ignores the pain in his chest. It's become such a common occurrence. In fact, it's been hurting ever since the day Kaname left (home).

Zero doesn't notice.

November went by quickly, and in each passing day, the hurt increases, slowly, slowly, until the jar of unhappiness in Zero's heart fills up, and finally spills.

"You're doing that again, Zero."

He looks up at Yuuki. The concern in her eyes is evident.

"Doing what?"

"You're hurting yourself," Yuuki frowned. "You stare blankly, you isolate yourself from us. You're turning back into the Zero who once couldn't control his new life."

Zero looks down. He doesn't say anything. He knows it's true, but what could he do?

"Please tell us your problems, Zero. You know we're worried about you."

(No no no stop no liars he's a lies lies lies love he doesn't)

He clenches his fists tightly. It doesn't hurt as much as the pain in his chest. The pain of being forgotten. The pain of being left behind.

"You know he loves you," Yuuki whispers quietly.

He finally releases the lone traitorous tear.

"I know," He responds softly, fists clenching tighter, chest constricting firmer. "I know."

He receives the very first letter on a cold wintry Christmas eve. The sight of the elegant font itself made Zero's heart beat a thousand times faster than it normally would. It was hand-delivered by a servant.

'I miss Japan, I miss home. I miss you. Wait for me?'

Zero knows the answer, and smiles.

"Yes."

"Why don't you ever write home?"

He delivers this question during a quiet, peaceful walk in the park. It is Christmas, and the snow is beautiful. It is a beautiful white Christmas.

Zero already knows the answer, that he is doing so to protect Zero. Ichijou told him, how Kaname confessed his actions on a drunk night overseas. He knows, but he wants to see how Kaname responds. Childish, really, but isn't love a childish thing?

Kaname smiles wistfully.

"Even if I don't write home, would you still wait for me?"

"Yes," Zero laughs. It's been a long while since Zero laughed, and the melodic sound chimed in Kaname's ears. He loves Zero's laugh. He loved it ever since he first heard his laughter, ever since they met. "Yes, you horrible, devilish pureblood vampire."

Kaname grins and leans down, kissing him gently on the lips. It tasted bitter, from all the hurt Zero experienced during the past eight months, but this love, it turns it all sweet. The kiss tastes sweet.

"Merry Christmas, Zero."

the end.

A/N: This was a really nice fic to write, I had enjoyed myself immensely n_n. I hope it wasn't too confusing and stuff…? Nevertheless, I hope you guys enjoyed it! ^_^

Merry Christmas!

xx, Rusty