Summary:

Brittany's parents have had it with her girlfriend's behaviour. She's rude, inappropriate and just plain mean. They know their daughter could do so much better and that's why they've called Parental Control. In hopes to find someone that they deem worthy to date their daughter and get rid of that parasite known as Santana Lopez out of their house.

A/N: I Do Not own anything just borrowing. All rights go to their respective owners.

2nd A/N: My first fanfic. I hope you like it!

Prior to the show..

It's six in the morning at the Pierce household and Mrs. Pierce goes downstairs to start making breakfast. She stops midway after hearing strange noises coming from the kitchen. "Who's there?" she whispers.

The noises continue.

"Lord Tubbington is that you?" She finds the light switch and flips it to reveal a half naked Santana going through her fridge.

"Oh hey Mrs. P, you're all out of milk," Santana nonchalantly states.

"Santana is it so hard for you to put pants on when you roam the house?"

"Nothing you haven't seen before Mrs. P-money."

"Well you can go put some on before someone else sees and by that I mean my husband."

"Chillax Susan, Rob won't be up until 7:30 and it's not like he hasn't seen a vag before."

"Now Santana!"

"Do you want a sandwich?"

"No!"

"Jeez, you would think she'd be in a better mood since she got some last night," Santana mumbles as she makes her way out of the kitchen and back up to Brittany's bedroom.

Couple weeks later..

Mr. Pierce arrives home from work and sees Brittana making out on the sofa. He coughs to indicate his presence.

Brittany breaks from the make out session much to Santana's disliking. "Hi Dad!" she greets.

"Hey Sweetheart. Your mother not home yet?"

"No and we're fucking starving," Santana complains.

Brittany swats her girlfriend's hand. "Santana don't swear in front of Tubbykins."

Lord Tubbington purrs in agreement.

"Oh and my Dad too."

"Santana you can always go home to eat."

"Why?"

"You do realize you haven't gone home since you came over here three weeks ago right?"

Santana rolls her eyes. "Brittany doesn't seem to mind."

"What about your parents?"

"I heard they threw a party." Santana shrugs. "Britt Britt, let's finish what we were doing, upstairs."

Mr. Pierce spots one of his cigars in the ashtray on the center table and knew instantly who the culprit was. "Santana how many times must I tell you not to touch my Cuban Cigars?"

"Dad it wasn't San, it was Lord Tubbington and I'm very mad at him."

"Did you see him?"

"No San did."

"It's true," Santana interjects. " I caught him red-handed with a cigar in his mouth and a carton of milk between his paws. Which reminds me, you're all out."

"I find that very hard to believe."

"Yea I know. You'd think he would stop after that cancer scare."

Mr. Pierce counts to ten before he says or does something he might regret. "Santana, I think it's time for you to go home."

"I think not and I don't recall doing anything wrong."

"This is my house. I don't need a reason to throw you out."

"Uh yes you do."

Deep breaths Rob, deep breaths. "Just go."

"We'll be upstairs, just tell us when dinner is ready Poppa P."

Mr. Pierce drops down in his La-Z-Boy recliner. He takes up the remote to change the channel but Lord Tubbington growls.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were watching it."

The cat purrs and continues to watch his favourite show, Parental Control.

A light bulb ignites in Mr. Pierce's head. "That's it!"

One week later..

The Pierces are actually having dinner without Santana.

"This is nice isn't it." Mrs. Pierce says as she places the mash potatoes on the table and takes a seat.

"So quiet when Satan isn't around," Mr. Pierce adds.

"She's swimming late. Coach Sylvester wanted her to babysit her trophies. I would've helped her but I don't think they like me very much."

"Sweetheart it's running not swimming late."

"Brittany we want to take this rare opportunity to talk to you about Satan, I mean Santana," Mrs. Pierce says.

"What about her?"

"We think that she's a bad influence."

"What does that mean?"

"It means she makes you do wrong things and tells you that they're right."

"Why does everybody think she's such a bad person? She loves me and I love her and that's all that matters."

"What about that Arthur boy? You and him were so cute together. He was so sweet."

"Mom, Artie and I are over. He called me stupid and I won't accept that."

"Santana made you believe that fooling around with her was not cheating," Mr. Pierce puts in.

"The plumbing's different obviously."

"What if she did that to you with someone else?"

"She won't."

"How do you know that?"

Santana enters the house. "Honeys I'm home! Something smells good." She makes her way into the dining room and feels the tension. "Why so serious folks? Is it stew surprise again?"

"Mom and Dad don't think we should be together," Brittany replies. "They think that you'd cheat on me."

"What? I fucking love you Brittany S. Pierce!"

"Santana please refrain from swearing in this house."

"The fact that the person I cheated on people with was you means something right?"

"So you're gunna cheat on me with me?"

"She doesn't have to know anything."

"Ok," Brittany smiles. "Secret's safe with me. Unless she reads my diary."

Santana smiles and turns to Mr. And Mrs. Pierce. "You think I don't deserve Brittany?"

"We just think that you set bad examples for her."

"What? I think it's the other way around!"

"How so?"

"Yesterday she made me help an old woman cross the street!"

Mr. Pierce shakes his head. "Anyways, I got in contact with that show, Parental Control, after watching an episode the other night and they agreed to come here."

"What the fuck is that?" Santana asks.

"You mean that show where the parents choose a potential girlfriend or boyfriend for their kid because they hate the current one?"

"Yes that's the one."

"Lord Tubbington loves that show."

"You mean that lame ass, cheesy fake fuck that airs on anything but music television?"

"Santana if you swear one more time!"

"Fuckidy fuck fuck."

"That's it!" Mr. Pierce jumps up from his seat, knocking it over in the process.

"Bring it! I'll go all Lima Heights up, on and around yo' ass!" Santana yells.

"Stop the violence.."

"Everybody Shut Up!"

The room goes silent as everybody's attention is now on Mrs. Pierce.

"Now Brittany, your father and I have supported all your decisions over the years but we feel as if this relationship you have with Santana is toxic. We only want the best for you and we think you can do much better."

"I'm the best there is! You can't get any better than this!"

"Just give the show a shot," Mrs. Pierce begs.

"No way! I gives Britts everything she wants and needs."

"Please Brittany and if you don't like our choices then we won't interfere with you and Santana anymore."

So now Brittany is caught between a rock and a different yet equally hard rock and don't know what to do. "Can I think about it for like a day?" she asks.

"Of course sweetheart."

"You know what? Fuck this, I'm going home."

"Hallelujah!"

Santana doesn't actually leave but goes upstairs to her room (yes she has her own room).

The next day, everybody is gathered in the living room awaiting Brittany's decision.

"So I've made my decision you guys," Brittany begins by saying.

"Ok great, let's hear it."

"Since Lord Tubbington is such a huge fan of the show he convinced me to do it."

"What! Britt that overgrown fuzz ball doesn't know what he's saying!"

Brittany shrugs. "I don't know, I think it would be fun."

"It will be sweetheart. You won't regret it."

"This is utter pigshit! No me gusta."

"San don't worry, nothing and no one compares to you and your sweet lady kisses."

Mr. Pierce laughs, "We'll see about that."

Santana turns to Robert and smiles eerily. "Mr. Pierce, the only reason why I'm not ending you right now is because you and Mrs. Pierce had sex, probably boring missionary style that lasted about three minutes, but sex nonetheless, and managed to produce something so beautiful and special as my woman and for that I am grateful."

"So it's settled!" Mrs. Pierce exclaims.

"Britt, let's have a sex marathon and be really loud just to piss your parents off."

"Oh San, you're so silly! You know you can only go three rounds."

"Dear God please help us."

*Let the Show begin!*

[Parental Control opening theme song]

Meet Brittany S. Pierce, cheerleader, cat lover and believer in all things magical. Her parents say that she deserves the best and that's why they don't approve of her girlfriend, Santana Lopez.

"San and I have been going out for almost two years now and we are soul mates. We do everything together, we even take a dump together."

The scene changes to Brittany and Santana on the phone in different bathrooms.

*toilets flush*

"Where does it all go?"

"Probably the ocean...or Berry's house."

The scene cuts back to Brittany.

"San is also super protective of me which I think is super adorable! She says that she keeps me grounded since my head is always in the clouds. I don't know what that means because then I'll have to have a really long neck. I also love her sweet lady kisses, especially when she does it to my-"

The camera cuts from Brittany before she finishes and goes to her parents.

"Brittany sees the good in everybody and we have always supported her views of the world but there comes a time when you as the parent have to put your foot down and say no way."

"Santana is rude, loud and inappropriate. What drives me up the wall the most is her 'gangster' or 'ghetto' talk. She says she from the wrong side of town when really there is none."

Cut to scene..

"How was school girls?"

"It was unicorn!"

"School learned me two things. One, Britts and I are the hottest pieces of ass up in that joint and two, no me gusta."

"Ok? So what do you guys want for dinner?"

"Me and Britts won't be needin' any cuz we'ze be goin' ta BreadstiX."

Scene changes to another..

"San, what do you want to do today?"

"What I wants, is you on top of me cuz I wants to get my mack on."

Back to the parents...

"Santana also never goes home. She basically lives here."

Cut to scene..

"Santana it's Christmas. Why aren't you spending time with your family?"

"Don't worry I called them and I think it's safe to say that you are my family too. Can you pass me the garlic bread?"

Another Scene..

"Honey, guess what came in the mail."

"A college acceptance letter for Brittany?"

"No a child support check from Santana's parents. On the back it says 'THANK YOU' in all caps."

Santana strolls in with Lord Tubbington. "Hey guys, you're all out of milk."

Back to parents..

"Santana needs to just go home and leave our Brittany alone!"

Now it's time for Dad and Mom to meet the potential blind dates for Brittany.

"Let's get this over with."

The session starts and goes a little something like this..

"So, what do you do?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I go to church and help out the homeless from time to time."

"I clean pools."

"Uh, pass.."

"Our daughter loves mythical creatures and says that she's a bicorn. If you were to be a mythical creature, what would it be?"

"What's a bicorn?"

"An angel."

"I guess one of those walking trees from the lord of the rings."

"A Vampire but the Underworld kind. I don't twinkle."

"A Na'vi."

"Brittany loves to dance and she's very good at it. What talents do you posses?"

"I don't need any. I'm hot."

"I'm fluent in Na'vi."

"I'll need a bed to show you."

"I play the drums and can sing a little. I also give really good pep talks."

"Last question. Why should we pick you to date our daughter?"

"Have you seen me lately? Why wouldn't you?"

"I have big plans for us."

"What are these plans?"

"They're big."

"Uh I guess I could help her reach stuff in high places."

"Oel ngati kameie. That means...well it means something I'm sure."

"Thank you very much."

It's decision making time..

"I hate all of them."

"Yea but we still have to choose."

"Well then, I choose this one as the best of the worst."

"Damn that was my pick. Hmmm, then I choose this person."

When we come back, we'll find out who the Pierces chose on Parental Control..

[Commercial Break]

Welcome back! The date Dad picked is about to arrive. That means that Santana would have to watch her girlfriend go out with someone else while she hangs out in the living room with her parents.

The scene cuts to Brittany in her bedroom...

"I'm so excited to see who my parents picked for me! I hope it's Kermit the Frog."

Out in the living room, we find Brittany, Santana and Mr. and Mrs. Pierce.

"Brittany I think you'll love who I chose for you," Mr. Pierce states.

Santana scoffs. "I highly doubt that. Brittany is Sansexual, everybody knows that."

Ding Dong!

"I'll get it!" Mr. Pierce goes to open the door to reveal his choice. "Hello Quinn! Come on in."

"Hey Mr. Pierce."

"Everyone, this is Quinn Fabray. Quinn this is my beautiful daughter Brittany and her rude girlfriend Santana."

"You forgot to add head bitch in charge."

The scene changes to Brittany..

"My first thought of Quinn was wow, she looks like someone with big plans."

Back in the living room..

Quinn tries to ignore the death glare Santana is giving her. "Ready to go Brittany?"

"Yep. Bye San!"

"Remember what I told you Britt Britt?"

"Yea, no touching, no eye contact for more than five seconds, no laughing and no having fun."

"Good and try not to talk to her too much either."

"Santana be quiet. You girls have fun."

Quinn and Brittany are off for some carnival fun while Mom, Dad and Santana get to watch it all go down in the living room.

"So Brittany, I must start off by saying that you're really beautiful."

"Thanks, you are too."

"You are going to love where I'm taking you."

A few minutes later Quinn and Brittany pull up to their destination.

"So here we are."

"Oh, what is it?"

Back home..

"What the *beep*?"

"Santana watch your language."

"She took her to church? What are they gunna do? Pray?"

"Shut up Satan."

Back to the date..

"It's a church."

"Never heard of it."

Quinn looks at Brittany a bit puzzled but brushes it off. "Anyways, although I would love to show you what's inside, we are going behind it."

They make their way behind the building and to Brittany's surprise, there's a carnival.

"This is so cool! I didn't know the carnival was in town!"

Back home...

"Well look at that, Brittany loves carnivals. Santana you're one foot out the door already!"

Santana folds her arms and scowls, "I ain't goin nowhere. I was planning on taking her to the carnival sometime next week."

"Yea right. The only place you ever take her is BreadstiX."

"Not anymore. BreadstiX delivers now."

Back to the date..

"So what do you want to do first?"

"I don't know! Maybe the bumper cars! Or the merry- go-round or the Ferris Wheel! Oh definitely Carnival games!"

Quinn laughs at Brittany's excitement. "Ok carnival games it is."

After a few games and couple rides, Quinn and Brittany find themselves seated on a bench eating cotton candy.

"This was so awesome. I had so much fun Quinn."

"Yea me too. I didn't know you were so free spirited."

"I'm not a ghost."

"No I mean you're really fun to be around."

"Oh well thanks. I think it's time for me to ask you questions."

"Alright, ask away."

"Ok what's your favourite colour?"

"Pink."

"Team Edward or Team Jacob?"

"Team Bella."

"Nice. Um tell me something that gets you really excited."

"I love bacon. I get really excited when I smell, see and taste them."

Back home..

"Want me to tell you what gets me really excited Mr. Pierce?"

"I know I'm going to regret this but what?"

"When Brittany *beeps* beeps* my *beep*."

"Yep, I regretted it."

Back to the date..

"Tell me something Brittany. When was the last time you had this much fun?"

"San and I do lots of fun things together all the time."

"Like what?"

"Like um sex and uh we go to BreadstiX and the mall."

"To me those sound boring. The same things over and over again."

Back home..

"Sex is never boring when it comes to Santana Lopez. Brittany can't keep up with me."

"I thought it was the other way around Ms. Three Rounds."

"Three long ass rounds you mean and a parent shouldn't know that much about their kid's sex life. It's creepy."

Back to date..

"I use to do motocross."

"Why'd you stop?"

"San told me it was too dangerous."

Back home..

"Well it is! I don't want to be a widow at 18."

Back to date..

"Seems like she tells you what to do like all the time."

"Well I don't mind. I probably would've been dead a long time ago."

"Do you know what I want to do right now?"

"Eat bacon?"

"No well yes but I want to kiss you."

"I don't think that's a good idea. San told me.."

Quinn places her hand on Brittany's. "Santana isn't here."

Back home..

"Oh there she goes. Seems like I have to cut a bitch."

Back to the date..

"So what do you want to do?" Quinn asks again.

"I guess I want to kiss you too."

Back home..

"Do it Sweetheart. Follow your heart."

All of a sudden, the channel changes.

"What else is on? I don't wanna watch this crap anymore."

"Santana turn it back now!"

"No!"

Mr. Pierce wrestles the remote out of Santana's hands and turns it back a little too late.

"Damn it we missed it!"

Back to date..

"Your lips taste like bacon and I don't remember us eating any."

"I have bacon flavoured chap-stick."

"Oh."

"I should get you home now."

"Ok."

The couple head back from their date and Brittany rejoins her family in the living room.

"Brittany it looked like you had a really good time with Quinn," Mr. Pierce says.

Brittany looks at Santana before answering, "Uh, not really."

"Don't lie sweetheart, we saw how much fun you had. Right Santana?"

Santana remains silent.

The scene changes to Brittany in her bedroom.

"I did have a really good time with Quinn but Santana seems really angry and now I'm a sad, sad panda."

Back in the living room.

It's now time for Brittany's second date...

Ding Dong!

Mrs. Pierce gets up. "That would be my choice!" She goes to open the door..

When we come back, Mom's choice will be revealed on Parental Control!

[Commercial Break]

Now it's time to reveal who Mom chose for Brittany.

The scene cuts to Brittany in her bedroom..

"Ok so my Dad's choice was great. I had a really fun time with Quinn. My mom's choice is up next and I have no idea who it could be."

Back in the living room..

Mrs. Pierce opens the door. "Hey Samuel, come in!"

Santana is shocked to see that Mrs. Pierce's choice is a guy. "Are you freaking kidding me?"

"Brittany is bisexual, which means she's attracted to both sexes."

The scene cuts to Brittany in her bedroom...

"I'm really not in the mood to go on another date but I'm doing this for Lord Tubbington."

Back in the living room..

"Hey guys, I'm Sam. Sam I am."

"Do you like green eggs and ham?" Brittany asks.

"They're actually not that bad."

"Has anyone ever told you that your mouth is huge?"

"Uh, yes. I get that all the time."

"Britt, be careful he sucks you in with that vacuum on his face."

"I think we should go Brittany."

"Ok. See you later guys."

"Bye sweetheart."

Brittany and Sam are off for a rocky romance while Mom, Dad and Santana are back at the house, ready to see how things unfold.

"Have you ever gone rock climbing before Brittany?"

"Uh once on a family vacation. I mentioned it a couple times to Santana but she said that she'd rather watch Lord Tubbington poop candy bars."

"Well we'll be doing some serious rock climbing today."

"Awesome."

Sam and Brittany arrive at the site.

"So are you ready to rock and roll?"

"Yea man."

"Let's get suited up."

Back home..

"Brittany never mentioned rock climbing to me!"

"That's because you only care about yourself and if it's not what you want to hear then you tune it out."

"Sorry, did you say something?"

Back to date..

"Do you wanna make this more interesting?"

"When Santana says that, it usually ends up with someone naked."

"No I was thinking first one to get to the top gets something from the loser."

"Like what?"

"Like if I win, I get a kiss."

Back home..

"If Brittany kisses that big mouth bass, I'm the one who'll be breaking up with her."

"Let's go Sam!"

Back to date..

"Um ok," Brittany says, "but if I win, you're automatically eliminated from this little competition."

"Whoa, that's a bit harsh."

Back home..

"Finally Britt speaks sense!"

Back to date..

"Take it or leave it."

"Ok but the kiss has to last over five seconds and open mouth."

Brittany ponders on this a bit but then agrees, "deal."

The race begins and it's neck and neck. Brittany slips a little causing Sam to take the lead..

Back home..

"Come on Brittany, show him what you've got baby."

"Sam's already won this."

"It's not over yet."

Back to date..

Sam is still leading and it looks like he's clear to win. Brittany catches up with him but it's too late and Sam reaches the top first.

Back home..

"*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* No Me *beep* Gusta!"

"Santana don't be a sore loser."

"This is utter pig*beep*"

Back to date..

Brittany and Sam have gotten out of their harnesses and are having a little picnic on the grass.

"So I won."

"Yeah you did."

"So I believe my prize is a kiss."

"Yea about that, I'm not giving you one."

"Why not?"

"I don't need a reason, I just don't want to."

"But I won it fair and square."

"Ok that's sad, you begging for a kiss. Have you forgotten that you're supposed to be competing for me?"

"Yea but-"

"But nothing trouty mouth. If you open that black hole again, all you'll be getting is the boot."

Back home..

Mr. and Mrs. Pierce are stunned while Santana is clapping and grinning like a lunatic.

"Brava Baby! Brava!"

Back to date..

"We should get back then."

"Yea, it's getting late and I have decisions to make."

Brittany and Sam make their way back from the date. The scene changes to Brittany in her bedroom..

"I just got back from my date with Sam and now I have to decide. It's not a tough decision to make but they told me to act like it is. So who shall it be?"

[Commercial Break]

Now it's time for Brittany to make her decision. Will she choose Quinn or Sam? Or will she remain with Santana, her girlfriend of two years and the person her parents can't stand.

In the living room..

"Ok I think I know who I'm going to choose but I'll give each of you a chance to convince me otherwise," Brittany begins.

Santana goes first. "Remember when we made that promise to each other? To grow old together and die in each other's arms? Well I meant it when I said that. I meant it when I said you complete me. I can't imagine a day before I met you and I can't imagine a day without you, Brittany S. Pierce. Stay with me and I promise I will never stop loving you."

"Aaaw San, you really mean that?"

"Every word of it," Santana says, trying to hold back her tears with little luck.

Brittany envelopes her in a hug. They hold each other for a little while before breaking apart.

"So Quinn? What about you?" Brittany asks.

"Well as I said before I have big plans for us if you pick me. I think that I'll be a breath of fresh air, someone who will actually listen to what you have to say and not just tell you what to do."

"Sweet. Alright so I've taken everything you guys said to heart and now it's time for me to decide."

"Wait what about me?" Sam cuts in. "I haven't said anything."

"Doesn't make any sense for you to say anything. You weren't even an option," Brittany replies.

"I'm just gunna go and save myself from any further humiliation."

"I suggest you do that, bastard son of Lisa Rinna and Macaulay Culkin."

"I love you so much right now Brittany," Santana says.

Sam leaves and the scene changes to him outside..

"I don't understand what went wrong. Maybe It was the Na'vi talk, maybe it was the impersonations."

Back in the living room..

"So now it's down to the both of you," Brittany says to Santana and Quinn. "Quinn, you seem like an awesome person to hang out with and I know I will definitely have tons of fun with you but I feel like you're hiding something from me. You say you have big plans but what are they?"

"Big."

"And Santana, I love you more than I've loved anything in this world but it wouldn't kill you to be nicer to people."

"Yes, it would. Doctors have confirmed this."

"Anyway, the person I choose is...Lord Tubbington!"

The camera zooms in on Lord Tubbington licking himself.

"I'm just kidding," Brittany laughs. "The real person I choose is...my Sanny Bear!"

Santana grins and turns to Quinn. "You suck so bad Quinn Fabray, I won!"

"But Quinn I was hoping that maybe we could still be friends and all three of us could hang out some time. Maybe you could come on Fondue for Two," Brittany adds.

Quinn shrugs. "Sure why not."

"Awesome."

The scene changes to Brittany's parents.

"Well we said we'll leave them alone if she chooses Santana and we'll keep that promise."

"We really do love Santana and was secretly rooting for her but it was fun to watch her sweat and squirm in her seat."

The scene changes to Brittany and Santana making out on the sofa.

[Credits Roll..]

One month after the show..

"You guys it's on!" Brittany yells from in the living room. A couple minutes later the whole family including Lord Tubbington is seated in front of the TV.

"Britt you look smoking hot in that outfit."

"Thanks San. Is Lord Tubbington that fat?"

"The camera adds ten pounds."

"I didn't know my shirt was that see-through and what's wrong with my hair?"

"Mr. Pierce you look constipated and homeless."

"I love you too Santana."

THE END.

Tell me what you think! Be honest but be nice ^-^.