December 25: Christmas day

The next morning, because all of the gifts had been destroyed in the house fire, there weren't any presents to open. No one mentioned that this was the Joker's fault, of course. Instead they gathered around the Christmas tree and Harley serenaded them, making sure to only sing Christmas songs she thought the Joker would like, and absolutely no love songs. After a while, Marie, Alice and Harley went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast while Don, Peter and the Joker sat in the living room, having a conversation that for once actually included all of them and not just Joker. Peter held onto Ben's tiny body tightly, not trusting the Joker with his son in the least, making Ben a very irritated two year old. Nana continued to work on her knitting, happy in her own little world. Because it had been so long since Peter and Alice had been home, there wasn't much to work with, so they prepared anything they could find that was even remotely breakfast-related, making for a very unusual meal.

"It's such a shame that there are no presents to open," said Joker after they had finished eating, as though it wasn't his fault that they were gone.

"But we have something even better than presents, family," said Harley as she snuggled up close to him.

"Whatever you say Harl," said Joker as he rolled his eyes.

Since they had no new toys to busy themselves with, they spent the rest of the day watching Christmas specials on TV. Joker would quietly improvise lines in Harley's ear as they watched, making kind and innocent characters such as Santa Clause and Frosty the Snowman suddenly seem very naughty and dirty, making her giggle uncontrollably.

That night, having no Christmas dinner prepared, the whole family went to McDonald's to eat. Naturally they attracted a lot of attention. Some thought the Joker was the Joker, while others figured he was just a weirdo in a purple suit. Either way, by the time they sat down with their food, the place was a ghost town.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you're scaring away customers," said the manager, who seemed, by the way he spoke and acted, to be one of those people who were desperately trying to convince themselves that the man before him couldn't possibly be the actual Joker.

"I'm just trying to have Christmas dinner with my girlfriend's family," said Joker as he glared at the man with a murderous smile. "What's so scary about that?"

The manager seemed to realize that every word he spoke would probably shorten his life more and more, and so he backed off and disappeared.

After their meal they went back to Peter and Alice's house. By this point they had all started to slip into that false sense of security, but they still maintained a safe amount of fear and respect for the clown.

"It's getting late, and so Harley-girl and I must be on our way," said Joker at last. "We have a lot of work to do in Gotham, you know, and so I regretfully bid you-"

"Wait!" said Nana all of a sudden. "I just finished your present, you can't leave without it."

Everyone stared at the old women, not knowing what to say. That was the most she had spoken in a long time, and they were also surprised to see that the knitting she had been doing had been for the Joker. She gave the Joker a pair of purple and green striped socks and a matching scarf. The Joker just stared at her, for once caught off guard.

"Um, thank you, Nana," he said. "I, uh, like your gift."

Nana Quinzel let out a delighted squeal and threw her arms around him, while he awkwardly patted her back. Harley felt her already immense love for her grandmother grow exponentially, this was more than she had ever dared hope for. The woman may have been confused, but the genuine love she showed the Joker meant more to Harley than she could ever say. She lovingly embraced her grandmother and the Joker, then looked over at the rest of the family.

"Well don't be shy, come on guys, group hug!" she said.

Don and Marie looked like they would rather beat themselves to death with a hammer, and Peter and Alice looked about the same, but they joined in anyway, telling themselves it was for Harley and this would be the one and only time. The Joker looked like he wanted to strangle all of them and quickly disentangled himself from them.

They separated, and Joker said, "I'm going to call us a taxi, do whatever you have to right now, I'll wait ten minutes and then I'm leaving with or without you. To the rest of you, merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

"Thank you so much, everyone," said Harley after the Joker had left the house, feeling like she might burst with happiness. Harley knew Nana's gift had made the Joker uncomfortable because he wasn't used to people accepting him like that. There were those rare occasions when he seemed confused about her feelings for him and even his own feelings for her, which always resulted in Harley sustaining a horrible beating and getting kicked out. Harley wished he could just accept her love without having to beat her, but she also understood why he did it. "I love you guys so much, and I know how painful this must be for you, so thanks for doing it anyway, thanks for pretending for me."

"I have to say, for an insane mass-murdering clown who scares the living crap out of me, he's not so bad," said Peter thoughtfully, and then added, "Don't bring him anywhere near me or my family ever again."

"Maybe we shouldn't have been so hard on him, even though our hatred for him is completely justified. But if you ever bring him here again I'll kill him," said Don.

"Oh Daddy," said Harley, unsure if he was serious or not.

"Don't be a stranger, Harley," said Alice as she hugged her. "We gotta go shopping again sometime."

"I'll bring Red next time! You'd love her, and I'm sure she'd love to meet you too," said Harley as she hugged her back. She then scooped up Ben in her arms and tickled his stomach, making him laugh. "See you later, Benny."

"Say bye to aunt Harley," said Alice.

"Bye aunt Hawey!" he giggled.

"Love you Harley," said Marie as she embraced her. "You sure you don't wanna stay-"

"No Mom," said Harley flatly as she hugged her.

"Do what you want, but if you ever want to come home you're always welcome," said Don as he took his turn with her. "We're sorry for what we did, and we'll tell everyone the truth about you, even though I don't think the truth is much better."

"Thanks, Dad," said Harley. She then embraced her grandmother and said, "And thank you Nana, you're the best grandmother in the whole world."

Her grandmother squeezed her tightly and said, "He's such a good boy, don't let him get away from you, okay?"

"Okay, Nana," said Harley, her smile widening. It was nice to have at least one person who genuinely approved of her relationship with the Joker, even if it was a senile woman who had once worn her bra on the outside of her shirt and had no idea what she was talking about. Or maybe she did, when she was talking about the Joker anyway.

Harley wished everyone goodbye and left. After she had closed the door, Peter said, "I think we all learned a valuable lesson, though I'm not quite sure what it was."

"I think it was a mix of treasuring family, getting along on Christmas, and not underestimating or getting on the Joker's bad side, not that he has a good side," said Alice.

"All things considered, I think this all went pretty well," said Peter. "It wasn't the best Christmas ever, but it wasn't quite the worst, either."

"I agree, don't you guys?" asked Alice.

"I suppose so," said Marie half-heartedly. "I swear, the things I do for my children…"

"No, this was the worst Christmas ever, that lunatic burned down our house and all our money and he still has my daughter. But at least we got to spend it together, as a family," said Don resignedly.

"I'm gonna miss that boy," said Nana sweetly. "I have such a wonderful family."

Harley went outside to find Joker chatting with, surprisingly enough, the same man who had driven them before. The man looked like he was about to wet himself with fear.

"Henry!" called out Harley as she ran over to the cab. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought since he did such a wonderful job bringing us here, he could do an even better job taking us back," said Joker as he patted the man's back, causing him to whimper in sheer terror.

Henry drove them back to the airport, and by the time they got there Henry looked like he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. They wished him a merry Christmas and boarded Kevin's plane again.

"We gonna get another pilot, Puddin'?" asked Harley as she sat down in the co-pilot's chair.

"Nonsense, I'll fly us home," said Joker as he sat down in the pilot's chair and put a pilot's cap on his head. "I'm better than any trained pilot could ever be."

As the plane took off, Harley wondered if her plan had worked. The Joker seemed happy enough, and she wondered if it had anything to do with getting a family for Christmas for once. She supposed she would never know.

A few hours later, when they were nearing Gotham, the Joker pulled Harley's diary out of his pocket and handed it to her. "You can have this back now, I read it cover to cover last night after I burned your parent's house to the ground," he said merrily.

"What did you think?" asked Harley timidly. She had poured out her heart and soul in that thing as a teenager and she hoped he hadn't come across anything too embarrassing.

"It showed me that you were even more screw-loose as a child than I imagined," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh," she said, not quite sure if that was an insult or a complement. "Hey, um, I was wondering, do you think I could have another one of those clown dolls? Mine was in the house when it burned down."

"Harley, how could you have let that happen? I get you a gift and you let it get destroyed? Talk about gratitude."

"Sorry Puddin, I'll be more careful next time," assured Harley, to which Joker only grunted. "So what are we doin' when we get back home? Are we gonna head straight for the hospital to watch your plan unfold?"

"Yeah, we go to the hospital and wait for Batso to make his move. You know, this has been one heck of a holiday. I made all the little children laugh, freaked out your family and tormented your parents, burned their house down and destroyed all their money, and killed another one of your old boyfriends, which is always a good time. The only thing that could possibly make this day better would be getting to face off with Bat-freak, which I'm afraid won't happen before Christmas is over," he said, sounding disappointed.

"It's okay sweetie, you'll get to kick his butt later," Harley assured him as she wrapped the scarf Nana had given him around her neck.

"I suppose you're right. Well, it looks like it's time to land this thing."

Just when Joker was about to land, a missile hit the plane, knocking out one of the engines. The Joker had to fight to maintain control of the plane, but laughed as he said, "It's a Christmas miracle! Looks like we'll get to fight the Dork Knight after all, poor thing couldn't wait for me to land, he must have really missed me while I was gone, and really appreciated Robin's gift."

Joker managed to crash the plane in such a way that neither of them suffered any serious injury. Knowing that she would have to fight B-man, Harley wished that she was in costume. Helping the Joker beat him to a bloody pulp just wouldn't be as fun in her street clothes, but still very fun nonetheless.

"Well kiddo, time to go," said Joker gleefully an excitedly as he made to exit the plane, ignoring his complaining body.

"Ouch," said Harley as she rubbed her head. Despite the pain she was in, it wasn't nearly enough to ruin her holiday. She smiled and hugged the Joker tightly as she said, "Merry Christmas, Mistah J."

He smiled and kissed her forehead and then roughly shoved her away again. He took out his favorite knife and began to exit the plane with Harley following close behind as he said, "And happy holidays to you, m'dear. Come on, let's go teach ole' Bats the true meaning of Christmas."

Author's notes: I hope you all enjoyed that, thanks for all the reviews, and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!