Hey guys, new story time.

Okay, so this story has been on my mind for awhile, and I just recently got the motivation to write it. This has to be one of my favorite stories I have ever written, so I hope you guys embrace it as much as I have. It was so much fun getting into Ponyboy's head.

I would love to know what you guys think of this story, it would mean a lot.

I don't own The Outsiders.

I drew in a deep breath, before opening my eyes slowly, preparing myself for what I was about to see. Nothing could prepare me for the image that was before me though. My heartbeat sped up, and my breaths were coming in short spurts, I gripped the edge of the sink, trying too steady myself.

A wave of nausea hit me when it finally registered that was my face I was staring at. I could feel the vomit in the back of my throat; I opened my mouth and threw up into the sink. A fine line of perspiration broke out on my forehead, and I was having trouble breathing. I gasped for air.

I figured it would get easier. I prayed that it would get easier. It should have been getting easier. Why wasn't it? Why does it seem to be getting harder?

I turned the faucet on when I got control over myself, and watched my puke getting washed down the drain. Watching that was better than looking at my reflection. Anything was better than that. I hated what I saw.

Despised what I saw. But those weren't the only feelings I felt whenever I saw myself. I felt anger, I felt sad, I felt like giving up. Those are the reasons why I avoid mirrors whenever I can. I can pretend for a little while that I'm normal.

Okay, I really couldn't pretend I was ever normal, no matter how well I managed to avoid my reflection. The stares, the snide comments, were constant remainders.

I cupped my hands under the running water, filling them up the best I could, before bringing my hands to my lips and getting what water I could into my mouth. I swished it around, before spitting it back out, trying to get rid of the taste of vomit.

I dried my hands on the front of my pants, before bringing my hand up slowly, tentatively. I stopped it about an inch from my face, before lightly brushing my fingers down the side. Then I did the exact same thing to the other side, testing the difference, even though I knew the difference. One side was smooth, while the other side was jagged.

I shook my body out trying to get rid of all the feelings. It was no use; these feelings have seemed to of made a home with me, and weren't intending to move anytime soon. At least they've got a little easier to control. All it took was seven months, I thought bitterly.I drew in another deep breath, this time for a different reason.

I slipped out of the bathroom, making my way into the kitchen. Last year the smell that was coming from the stove would have made my mouth water, and my stomach growl. Now it made me want to gag. I apparently lost my appetite along with everything else.

Sitting in one of the chairs set at the table I waited for Darry to notice me.

"Morning, kiddo," he greeted me placing a plate in front of me.

"Morning," I mumbled back.

Darry was more relaxed nowadays, it probably had to do with his promotion, and him being able to quit his second job.

There were moments though that I caught him staring at me, a guilty expression on his clean shaven face. It was clear to all of us he blamed himself for what happened to me, and I wouldn't doubt if he even blamed himself for Johnny and Dally's death.

My fingers started to tremble slightly, as I thought their names. I swallowed hard. So long I was able to keep those names from entering my mind. I closed my eyes, focusing on keeping my breathing regular. I counted back from one hundred, trying desperately to hold on to something. Anything that would keep me from getting lost inside of myself, like I have done so many times before. I couldn't stand it.

Imagine being locked in a small dark room, where there was a voice that reminded you of every bad thing that has ever happened to you. Fun, huh?

I slowly opened my eyes back up, which were meant with a very concerned Darry. "You okay?" He tried making his voice soothing.

He thought I was crazy.

I couldn't blame him. I would think of me as crazy too if I was in his shoes. After the fire, and everything that happened after that, I didn't know how to deal. I still don't know how to deal. I know ignoring it isn't a healthy solution, but it's all I had.

If you would have seen me three months ago, you would have thought I made great progress. I was in the darkness a long time, I wanted to stay in the darkness. I was hurting Sodapop though. I was causing my brother pain, and I couldn't hurt Soda, so I did my best to let the light back into my dark cave.

"I need to head to work, little man, but I'll get off early to drive you to your appointment."

I rolled my good eye. "I'm not a baby Darry, I'm almost fifteen, and can take the bus."

"Ponyboy…I don't know if that's the…best idea." He was choosing his words carefully. The last few months he has been walking on eggshells around me. Like one wrong word is going to make me snap.

Snap. I looked down startled realizing that I had broken the plate in two pieces. I didn't even remember picking it up.

I sighed. "I'll be ready to go when you get home."

He nodded, before cleaning up the mess from the plate.

How did things go so wrong, in such a short amount of time? Why did things have to be so fucked up? Why did I have to be so fucked up? I wanted to be normal, or at least as close to normal I can get.

I acknowledged Darry's leaving with a wave of my hand, trying to remember what he told me before he left. Oh well. Hopefully it wasn't of importance. I stood up and washed my hands, seeing that Darry had done the dishes before he left. Which was suppose to be my job, but I'm not complaining.

I checked the time. I had hours to kill before my appointment, and nothing to do. I wandered aimlessly around the house, which killed five minutes. It's a small house.

I could go for a walk around the block, or something. The Soc's rarely jumped greasers anymore. I really didn't want to go outside though. It was finally summer, and the last thing I wanted to do was spend my time out there, where people looked at me like I was some kind of freak. Pulling back the curtain I stared out the window. There wasn't anything great out there anyway. Just a bunch of losers, living loser lives.

I would trade places with any one of them in an instant.

I allowed the curtain to fall back into place, before turning and making my way back to my room. I preferred to be alone, but I hated it. Darry didn't like me by myself anyway. It was just recent that he started trusting me alone again. Steve, Two-Bit, and Sodapop all took turns babysitting me.

Throwing myself on the bed, I buried my face into the pillow wondering if I could get some more sleep. I pushed that idea aside, I had enough trouble sleeping at night as is. Plus if I slept I probably would dream. Dreaming wasn't such a good thing for me anymore.

I pushed myself off the bed, when I heard the front door open and close. I stayed in my room in case it was someone I didn't want too see. Before long the bedroom door was pushed open and I was tackled to the floor, landing with a grunt. I fought back trying to get the upper hand, but was failing.

I cursed finally able to get the intruder off of me. I glared at him sitting there laughing his ass off.

"Damn it, Two-Bit, I told you to stop doing that shit." I got up slowly, brushing myself off.

He just chuckled. "Fine, fine. I won't do it again."

In truth I really didn't mind it. He treated me as the same before. He never once cringed away from me, or acted startled by my appearance. He was still my buddy, but he wasn't the same buddy I knew my whole life. He was finally starting to grow up. He couldn't be a scatterbrained drunk forever, boy's eventually have to turn into men, which is what he was doing. Thankfully. He could have just took the easy way and turned into a drunken hood.

I admired him. He was finally going to be a senior and I knew he was going to make it through, I just knew it. He had too.

"Come on I haven't had real action in a long while, let's go make some noise in this town."

I shook my head. "I have an appointment today."

"I know. We'll be back in plenty of time."

"I can't get into any trouble. You know that." I was trying to get out of it.

"Shoot kid, I would never get you into any real trouble."

I continued shaking my head. People had all year to stare and gawk at me. They're not going to have the privilege of it being a summer thing too.

What? You're going to stay cooped up in the house all summer? That's really any better than some mean comments? A part of my brain that I haven't heard from in awhile said.

"Damn it!"

Two-Bit was staring at me, an eyebrow raised.

Great, that's two people who have looked at me like I was a nutcase. In one day too. I guess the looks couldn't get any worse than that.

"Let's go."

Two-Bit's lips turned up into a smile. "Now you're talking!"

I tried my best to return his smile. I reluctantly followed him out the front door, into the bright sunlight, with only one thing on my mind; I must be suicidal for riding in the death trap Two-Bit called a car. I didn't even have time to put on my seat belt before we were speeding down the street.

Even men needed to visit boyhood every now and than.

Sooo what did ya think? Tell me in a review? Sorry, if they're a few mistakes my beta is extremely busy right now. But she did look over it, so luckily there's no blinding mistakes. lol.