Author's note: An old composition from my FanFiction collection, finally decided to post it. I actually feel this is one of my best. Hope you enjoy it. ~RavenRachelRoth
Written: 11/26/06
What Hurts The Most
It was Slade...it was always Slade. Robin insisted that we had to go, none of us argued. But Slade's soldiers were bigger...stronger, his tricks had become more dangerous, Slade enjoys danger. The battle raged.
Slade watched the battle from above us on a floating platform. Robin was trying to fight his way up to Slade, we were behind him the whole way, but the soldiers kept coming...they had new weapons, weapons designed for each of our powers. That's when I got scared. I fought hard, harder than I ever have...but I didn't see the minion until it was too late. He had thrown some kind of hardening cement over me, I was stuck...it prevented me from changing into any animals to get free. I saw the minion point his gun at me...I struggled against my bonds, but to no avail.
Tendrils of darkness spiraled up before my eyes and a shield of darkness appeared like a half moon, partially covering us. The rays from the gun bounced off the darkness. Raven held the shield with one hand and turned to look at me.
"Are you ok?"
"Yea." Sparks of darkness exploded from the cement encasing me, it cracked, and I fell to the floor.
She was too busy to see, I was too distracted to comprehend, she never even saw it.
The minion threw away his gun and threw sizzling blue bolts of static electricity from his fingertips. She never saw it coming... The static bounced around the shield and crawled up Raven's arms.
She screamed. The shield melted away. It came so fast, I couldn't help, I was too weak...
A knife appeared out of nowhere, and I realized what would happen.
"RAVEN!" I screamed, she looked up, her eyes wide...she knew it too, but it was a split second too slow, the black energy faded from her fingertips.
The knife sunk through the flesh with a sickening sound, Raven's eyes were filled with pain. Everything stopped.
"NOOOOOOOO!" It echoed in my ears, then I realized it was me. The Titans stopped, Slade stopped, everyone looked...it was like a nightmare...I couldn't stop it. I wasn't strong enough to save her. The knife withdrew slowly, but so fast I didn't notice. All I could see was Raven slip to the floor, as silent as a bird falling to its death. The minion disappeared and I was suddenly at Raven's side, I never even realized that I still clung to the smashed minion's mask in my paralyzed hand.
"Raven..." She opened her violet eyes and looked up at me, she tried to raise her hand but couldn't. Her fingertips were covered in blood, and blood covered the front of her shirt and stained her cape.
She tried to breathe in, but it only rattled in her throat. She looked into my eyes, and tried again to raise her hand...she rested her palm on my chest.
"So much...to...say." Her chest rattled again as the air escaped. I saw in her eyes, and I knew that all those words...she wouldn't be able to say. "...goodbye..." she whispered. Then she was gone...forever. I couldn't save her, she couldn't save herself. The battle faded away, as pain washed through my body.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
Rain pelted the window before me, I didn't care, I didn't even see it
Robin came in the room behind me, "Beastboy, are you...are you going to come?"
I didn't answer
Never again could I tell her my stupid jokes, and enjoy the unamused sigh that came afterward
Robin put his hand on my shoulder, "Beastboy, please."
I turned and walked out of the room, I would go...I could bear it
I can take a few tears now and then
And just let them out
Everyone was crying. I couldn't cry, it was like...it was impossible to cry.
Robin looked at his feet, Starfire was in tears...even Cyborg sniffed a little.
But not me. I just stood there and stared as they lowered the casket into the wet ground.
Raindrops splattered onto the dark polished wood top, and the flowers placed on it.
Everyone was wearing black, Raven loved black.
She would like that.
I'm not afraid to cry every once in awhile
I walked home early, I didn't want to see them put dirt over my friend
The girl who knew my mind, and read my heart...
The other Titans stayed, they didn't even notice me leave
I could still see her sitting there in the living room reading, in my mind
But when I finally got back to the tower, she wasn't sitting there waiting with a sharp remark
Rain ran down my cheeks...yes, it was definitely rain...
Even though going on with you gone
Still upsets me
Someone knocked on my door, 'There's been a robbery downtown.'
I didn't answer, they didn't ask again
Rain still pounded on my window, it had been raining for days
It seemed like heaven was crying for Raven too
Outside my window I heard the T-car zoom off
A moment later, chair splintered into pieces as it hit the window
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok
'I didn't save you, so now you are lying cold in the ground, not sitting beside me and sipping your tea...'
The virtual hero ran across the screen before me, zapping bad guys
Finally the screen faded to black, the hero appeared, holding a woman in his arms
She was dead, limp in his arms...but then, she was alive...he had saved her with his love
I threw the controller at the image, it cracked like a broken mirror
Later, the Titans came in and saw the image of a girl and a boy on the broken tv screen; still frozen in place
But that's not what gets me
Starfire asked me what happened
I told her a joke
She laughed
I smiled
She cried
I left, I didn't want to see
What hurts the most
Someone made dinner...I didn't care enough to ask who
Someone placed a plate of vegetarian pizza and tofu in front of me, I was too tired to see who
Someone prayed, then we ate
Someone said a joke, I laughed even though I didn't really hear it
Someone got up to get a drink, I saw the box of herbal tea bags sitting on the counter
Someone asked me something, but everything else disappeared
Was being so close
I had tried to reach her, but I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't strong enough
All I could do is watch, remember, see in my mind
The pain, the blood, the horror, the fear in her eyes
It was like I was still in the battle, in those last agonizing moments
My eyes burned at night, with nightmares haunting my sleep
I could hardly live during the day, everything seemed far away
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
There were so many things that were left undone
Doesn't anyone else notice? Does anyone else care?
I wanted to tell you so much more...but I was too slow, too careless
I should have said it when there was time
There were so many things I wanted to show you about myself, but maybe you already knew
Sometimes you knew me better then I knew myself
And never knowing
What could've been
I wanted to have so much more, but I was too scared to show you
We were so different, but so the same...
We could've been so much more
They had to drag me away from you
I clung to your body until I was sure there was no life left
Do you wish you were still here too?
And not seeing that love in you
Is what I was trying to do
I was too focused on the past
I didn't look close enough
I didn't reach far enough
I should have tried harder
But I didn't
...and now I can't do anything, it's too late
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you
Everywhere I go
The others don't seem to understand why I don't talk anymore, why don't I joke anymore?
I went to the city, I had to get away, too many painful memories haunt the tower and me
I didn't realize that memories haunt you wherever you go
People look at me and shake their heads and frown, they know what happened, everyone does
But they don't know, they didn't know Raven, no one really did...
Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her, we fought here, we ate pizza over there...nowhere to find peace
But I'm doing it
There is no peace anymore, it died with the girl I could never hold
I need to find something to hold me down, to pull me back into reality
I can't seem to do it myself
No one else can do it for me
She would know how, but she can't ever know now...she can't know anything anymore
People offer their condolences as I pass, they can keep them, it won't bring her back
It's hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I'm alone
When I walk in the door, they all look at me...I know they think I've gone off the deep end
I force a smile and say a joke
None of them believe me
They all look like a family sitting on the couch...
I stand for a moment and watch, they ask me what's wrong
They should know...they were there too
Still harder getting up getting dressed
Living with this regret
I stared at the ceiling over my bed...but nothing changed
Getting out of bed gets harder every day
It's nearly impossible to pull new clothes on, I just wear the same
The green boy in the mirror stares back at me, his eyes are bleary, his clothes are rumpled
The picture taped to the mirror...at the park, we were so happy...I was so naive back then
The green boy in the mirror turns his back away, he can't watch those memories again, it tears him apart inside
But I know if I could do it over
Memories flashing, like lights past a speeding car
Like a dangerous chase, lightning over the streets...black lightning
Eyes shut tight, "No, I don't want to see."
He walked away
What else could he do?
He was dying day by day...
I would trade give away control the words
That I saved in my heart
That were left unspoken
The red light blinks in his eyes, like blood...wind rushes past his face, as a green bird flies over the city
"Why didn't you wait for us?" They asked
Dark glaring eyes, "You should have come faster." Behind him, a bronze and black masked man lays in a pool of blood
The green bird flies away, leaving the horror to the other Titans in his wake
They just didn't understand how much pain burns his heart, it spills over at night when no one hears
And no one is close enough to hear screams muffled in the pillow, all the words that were held in for so long
What hurts the most
Was being so close
The headstone of the grave read: 'Raven, gave everything of herself unto the end, her beauty and faith will be remembered always'
A green dog sat beside the dirt that covered the grave
He stared at it for a long time
The final screams from his bronze and black masked victim echoed in his mind
That man had tricked him into love once, and then, he had taken away the girl who held his heart
The green dog gave a small cry, then he curled himself right on the top of the grave, his back tight up against the headstone
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
When consciousness returned, the green dog found rain pelting down
He shivered, the mud was soaked, he was soaked...but he didn't want to leave
"Beastboy." A rain soaked teen, his black hair pasted to his forehead, his cape wrapped tightly around his body
The dog opened his eyes, then closed them again
"It's time to come home."
He didn't want to leave, this was all of her that he had left...
And never knowing
What could've been
He came in, he was soaked to the bone, and shivering like crazy
They were concerned, but he wasn't
He didn't care anymore
Nothing really mattered
The gaping hole in his heart wouldn't heal
What was there to live for?
And not seeing that love in you
Is what I was trying to do
He stared up at the door, it was hers...but she wouldn't care anymore. He went in, it was dark...it was always dark
Everything was just like she left it: a few books on the floor, a candle burned down in a melty pile
A scrap of paper was next to the melted candle, he went over to it...what was the last thing she read?
But it wasn't from a book...at the bottom in beautiful flowing letters was her signature
~Raven
And slowly...he began to cry. All those words she would never say, were written on that page.
Not seeing that love in you...
That's what I was trying to do...