The Zelda Characters go…CAMPING!
GoroGoroGuy
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Rauru is fat. LEGO bricks should rain from the sky. If only life were so simple.
WELCOMEBACKTOANOTHERCHAPTEROFTHEZELDACHARACTERSGO…CAMPING!
*Gaaaasp*
WE NOW RETURN TO…THE ZELDA CHARACTERS GO…CAMPING!!!!!
*At the Council of annoying supporting characters (or something like that)*
Evil Mysterious Shadowy Figures 1 and 2: *Still laughing evil-y* ...hahahaha!!! Muahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Figure 2: Whatever.
Figure 1: Yeah. *Folds hands and reclines on his chair*
*Elsewhere in the headquarters, Rauru is in his cell, plotting his escape*
Rauru: *Watching "Barney" and singing along to the words* I LOVE YOU…YOU LOVE ME…WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY!
*I SAID, PLOTTING HIS ESCAPE!!!!! *
Rauru: WITH A GREAT BIG HUG, AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU! WON'T YOU SAY YOU-
*I SAID HE'S PLOTTING HIS ESCAPE!!!!! HAVE YOU GONE DEAF?! NOW DO IT, YOU BRAINLESS SACK OF LARD!!!!!! *
Rauru: *Takes off his headphones* I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear you over my music.
*GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FRIGGIN' JUJUBEES!!!!!! I QUIT! YOU PEOPLE ARE MORONS! I'M GOING TO GO WORK FOR ABC…*
Rauru: What's his problem?
*Two mysterious guards come up to his cell*
Mysterious guard figure 1: *Opens the cell door* You're coming with us.
Rauru: WOOPEE!!! *He runs towards the door but gets stuck in the doorframe*
SFX: SQUIIIIISH!
Mysterious guard figure 1: *SIGH* Get the grease, Jim…
*Five hours later, Rauru has been pushed out the door, taken to another room, strapped to a table and attached to a large suction thingy*
Figure: TELL THE OTHER ZELDA CHARACTERS TO SURRENDER AND GIVE UP THEIR TREASURED ROLES!
Rauru: NEVER!! And what is this thing, anyway? A cookie maker?
Figure 1: NO! IT IS A LIPO-SUCTION MACHINE!
Rauru: Oh.
Figure 1: We shall suck the fat from your body until your friends come and try to rescue you! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll leave the room for no particular reason.
*He does just that*
Lipo-suction guy: Say goodbye to your folds o' lard, tubby boy!
Rauru: Oh, no! I'll have to think fast to get out of this one!
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:
Sponsor: Neewoogama!
AND NOW…BACK TO OUR SHOW
Rauru: *Standing over the unconscious form of the lipo-suction guy* That was a close one! Now to escape and tell the other characters of this diabolical scheme! *He runs off*
*Back at the campsite*
Link: *SIGH* Where in the name of Nayru is that Lard-Ball?
Skullkid: I TOLD you we should have checked the McDonalds the second he left.
Link: No you didn't. That was Ganondorf.
Darunia: In fact, you've been playing with your toes all day.
Skullkid: *putting his boots back on* NO I HAVEN'T!!!
Zelda: Hey, has anyone here noticed that we haven't done ANYTHING even remotely camping-like?
Skullkid: I can fix that! LET'S GO CANOEING!
Darunia: Is that even how you spell that?
Skullkid: YES! "That" is how you spell "that!"
Darunia: But is that how you spell canoeing?
Skullkid: NO!!! YOU DON'T SPELL "CANOEING" AS T-H-A-T!!!
Darunia: But I didn't SAY that!
Skullkid: Yes you did!!!!
Darunia: NO I DIDN'T!
Skullkid: UH-HUH!
Darunia: NEE-HAW!
Skullkid: UH-HUH!
Darunia: NEE-HAW!!!
Zelda: I'm confused. What are they talking about?
Skullkid: LET'S GO CANOEING!!!
*Two hours later, the truck with all the characters onboard pulls up to a shack with a river behind it. Everyone gets off the truck and walk inside*
Darunia: *He wrinkles his nose* Ew. This place smells like shit.
GGGuy: *He appears from nowhere* Uh-uh, Darunia! This is a PG fic! I'm afraid I will have to slap you now! *He slaps Darunia and vanishes*
Darunia: OWIES!! *Rubs his nose in pain*
Link: *Walks up to the guy behind the counter* Hi, I'd like to rent six canoes.
Guy behind the counter: Okay. I'l just- *His eyes roll back into his head and his voice deepens* STAB YOU THROUGH THE HEAD, AND MAKE A HUMAN SHISCABOB!!! HA HA, HA HA, HA HA ! *He becomes normal again* Stop it, Bob ! I'm sick of you taking over when a customer comes! You scare them off! *He becomes possessed again* I SHALL NEVER STOP!!!! I WILL STAB YOU AS WELL, AND THEN I WILL FIND A MORE SUITABLE HOST BODY!!! HA HA, HA HA!! *Unpossessed* Cram it! You're acting up again, just like the last time! Stop threatening everyone! *Possessed* YOU CANNOT MAKE ME!!! NOW SUFFER MY WRATH!!! *He punches himself repeatedly in the head* *Unpossessed* Ow!! Stop hitting meee!!! *Possessed* YOU ARE A WEAK MORTAL!!! YOU WILL DIE IN THE NAME OF THE HENCHMAN OF SATAN, THE FEARSOME DEMON BOB!!!!! BWAHAHAHHAAAHAHHAHAAAA!! *He becomes unpossessed but continues hitting himself* Ow! Stop it! You're only hurting yourself!!!!! *Possessed* NEVER!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! *Unpossessed* DIE!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-Oh, wait, I'm not possessed anymore. Stop confusing meeeeeeeee!!!! *Possessed* NEVER!!!! *Continues punching himself* *Unpossessed* Stop using the word "never!" *Possessed* NEVER!!!! *More punching*
Link: Uh, can I get a canoe here?
*This could take a while, so we'll join Rauru in his quest to escape the evil clutches of The Council of Annoying Supporting Characters…*
Rauru: *Dashing through a dimly lit, extremely narrow hallway somewhere in the headquarters, singing the "Mission Impossible" theme* Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun. Dun, dun, dun dun dun! Dun, dun, dun dun dun !! Dun-dun-duuuun !! Dun-dun-duuuun !! Dun-dun-duuuun…DUN-DUN !! Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-…
Guard walking through the hallway for no reason: I'm a little teapot, short and stooouuutt!! Here is my handle, here is my spout! When I boil over, here me spout! Tip me over and pooooour me out! Um…I'm a little teapot, short and stout…
Rauru: Oh no! He's walking towards me! *He flattens himself against the wall, which very hard to do with his enormous girth*
Guard: And that's the way we all became the Brady Bunch!! The Brady buuunch…*He walks around the very obvious and rotund Rauru without so much as a glance*
Rauru: That was close! Now to get out of here! *He runs down the hall*
*Five hours later, Rauru runs past the exact same spot*
Rauru: Oh *PANT* great. *PANT* I've been *PANT* going in *PANT* circles. This *PANT* sucks *PANT*. Goodniiiight… He falls down and cracks through the floor into the level below.
BACK TO THE CANOES!!!!!!
Guy behind the counter: *In a full-blown wrestling match with himself* Gah!! Stop it! Possessed* NEVER! DIE, MORTAL FOOL!! *Unpossessed* Ow! Owie!!! Stop it! *Possessed* YOU CAN NEVER DEFEAT ME!!!!
Link: Let's just go and get the canoes…
Everyone else: *Watching the fight, eating popcorn and wearing 3-D glasses* AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW…*they all shuffle off*
*And so, the Zelda peeps go and get the canoes themselves, something they should have done earlier*
Darunia: *Unfastening a canoe* ^$%^! Where are the paddles? Aren't we supposed to have- *He is knocked out by two paddles that fall magically from the sky above him* OW!! SON OF A #$^@%&!!!!!!
Deep Booming Voice: You deserved it.
Darunia: *Rubbing his head in pain* Shut up.
Deep Booming Voice: No. I am on orders to punish anyone who swears.
Skullkid: Darn!!! *He gets hit by lightning* HEY! "Darn" isn't a swear!
DBV: I know. I just hate you.
Link: Everybody ready?
A man named Everybody: NO! WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS ASK ME THAT?
All: O_O…
A man named Everybody: What?
END CHAPTER 3
WILL Rauru get out of the COASC's evil lair in time? WHY is Saria gone now? WHO are figures 1 and 2? And why the hell do I have to get writer's block NOW?
THE ANSWERS TO NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE, NEXT TIME…ON…
THE ZELDA CHARACTERS GO…CAMPING!