Disclaimer: I wish...

A/N: Gah, finally let me upload this. Okay, first, this is the third Jori one-shot in just as many days. Why am I writing so much? No idea. On the bright side, 1 final down, 3 more to go...wait, what's bright about that? Anyway, Rant. This one...just...y'know?

Other story updates. Tangible is on hiatus. I will continue that one as soon as I figure out what to do next, or after I finish Break and Culpable. Culpable is in progress. Those chapters are longer on purpose, and sometimes I just...gotta make them long. I also have two ideas from Invader Johnny that I'm working on. Now that it's almost winter break, I'm going to be a busy lizard. So...

Enjoy.

I can't believe this. Every single time I try, I just…I don't know what to do anymore. I guess you could say it's easier to be around her if I just pretend there is not one single thought that tells me to chase after her and just straight out kiss her. No, I can't do that. Do you want to know why? I have a fucking boyfriend, but it's not him that makes my insides churn like butter. No. It's her. It's always her.

She's so perfect with that damn pretty face of hers, those eyes that make me crumble when she looks at me, that mouth that I just want to kiss every day for the rest of my life. And when she opens her mouth, her voice just...Damn it. I need to stop thinking about her. But I can't. It's absolutely impossible to just get over her and forget everything.

Do you want to know what I hate the most about this, more than the fact that I can't stop thinking about her? I don't want to stop. I hate it so much that I'm beginning to like it, and this love-hate friendship is starting to lose the hate. Do I love her? Yeah, I actually do. And that's the killer thing. I'm questioning whether I even love Beck, my boyfriend, but when I think about whether or not I really do love her and the answer is yes. There is no hesitation.

I'm fucked.

I know she loves me. She has to. Those looks she gives me, things she says to me and how she says them…If she doesn't love me then I'm wasting my time. But I won't give up. I'd rather waste my time than even think for a second that she doesn't care, or that it will never work out, and I'm just so tired of wanting. Why can't I just have her? Why can't I just walk up to her and tell her that I love her and that I'm so fucked up that I have no idea about anything normal anymore?

No, loving her isn't normal. It's just…right. And she can say it's wrong all she wants to, but she's the one who drives me insane. Okay, so just being herself would drive me crazy, but it's how she is. I just…I can't help myself. And it's so damn…argh! Why her? Why, out of nearly seven billion people in the world, did I have to fall for Tori fucking Vega? Can anyone answer me this?

You're probably scratching your head, wondering why the hell I'm telling you all of this. Honestly, I think you should know. No, I guess the point of telling you this is in hopes that she's reading this. And I do hope she is. She needs to know. She needs to know that she makes me feel like I'm in a bubble and I can see everyone else, but she's the only one that can see me, and I mean really see me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be with her so much that it hurts, and I swear to God, I refuse to say I'm some lovesick teenager that's bleeding poetry or some crap like that. But it's something close to that. I could go days without talking to Beck, but Vega…I can barely go one day, let alone a few hours, without hearing her voice or seeing her or just anything involving her. She's become this constant thing in my life now, ever since she showed up at Hollywood Arts, and I don't just deal with it, I actually want it.

And what does she do? She just…I hate to say it, but she has complete and total control over me. It's like I can't say no to her, or I can't hate her. Who can? She says things like she's wrong for me, and that it would never work. Fuck that. If I thought that and actually believed it, I wouldn't be sitting here like a lost puppy, wanting her.

She says all that would ever come out of it is pain. I would get hurt. If she knew half of what happened to me throughout my life, she would understand me, why I am the way I am sometimes. I'm fucked up beyond repair, but when I'm around her…I don't feel that way. I actually feel like I'm a normal human being, one who maybe likes to inflict pain. But with her…Maybe she's the sadistic one. Maybe I want her to hurt me and that's why I haven't given up on this, why I'm still sitting here writing all my feelings on a piece of paper for random strangers to see. Eh, I don't care anymore.

I mean, of course I care about her. She's one of the few things I do care about anymore. And all she does is give me reasons for why I shouldn't. Should I do as she says and just forget it? I can't. If I could I wouldn't be sitting here telling you people this. Oh, but if she's reading this…she has to be aware of what I'm saying and know that she's not going to scare me away. She can push all she wants…and it pains me that I'm pushing back.

For some of you that are wondering, what the hell is this? Why are we listening to Jade West rant about Tori Vega? Okay, first of all, to set the records straight, love isn't all flowers and happiness. No. Love is downright cruel and it hates us all…it tortures us like a bed of nails that we're forced to lie in sometimes, and it's so impossible to recover from the injuries. You can't love someone and not get hurt. It just doesn't work that way. I know this, and I know Vega does.

Yeah, you don't care. Have you ever loved someone? Was it a walk in the park for you? If it was, you're just plain weird and you shouldn't be reading this anyway. I should probably post some example of love being the opposite of a walk in the park, but then you'd never get it and I'd be wasting my time. Oh well. You can go away if you hate it. Just go away. No one likes you anyway.

Let's continue, shall we?

Where was I? Oh right. She pushes me away. Or rather, she tries to. But let me tell you something. Tori Vega is the single most incredible person that I hate. Or love. If you've read this from the beginning then you understand what I mean. I do love her. That much is real. I wish she would understand that.

So I'm going to stop there. Beck, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way. I had to let it out, and I couldn't have told you in any other way because I honestly didn't know how to. I do love you, I really do. I just…Some things can't be helped. And Tori…if you're reading this, I meant every word I've said. Maybe not every word, but close to it. Just please, understand what you mean to me. I'm sorry for every stupid thing I've ever said, for anything I've ever done to hurt you. Just know…I love you.

Posting to The Slap…