I love the way you lie, a recess fanfic

Ok, so this is actually a chapter that is from my fic 'Remember me' but it also works well on its own, so I decided to post it, just in case those that are anti-TJ/Spinelli wanted something different to read

I don't own recess, or the song, which is owned by Eminem and Rhianna!

Just as a very small intro, Spinelli is 22, she works in a hospital, Jane is her friend and Lawson is her husband

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The end of the shift couldn't have come sooner for Spinelli's liking. She accepted Jane's offer for a lift home, she had looked around as they walked to Jane's car, but Lawson wasn't there waiting for her; not that she'd have gone with him if he was.

"Bye then" called Jane as they arrived at Spinelli and Lawson's flat "and try not to throw yourself over in the shower again, we can't have you looking like a panda can we?"

"I'll try not too!" said Spinelli, once again faking a smile as she waved.

Spinelli made her way back into the flat. She opened the front door, to see the flat was clearly empty. Lawson had obviously left in a hurry, Spinelli assumed that he'd probably overslept because of his hangover. As she looked around, the cans, and bottles of vodka and whisky remained on the floor in front of the sofa. Spinelli could already hear Lawson's voice now 'I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened. It'll never happen again. I love you' she'd heard words along those lines more times than she could count. Every time he'd said this, she wanted so badly to believe it, but as time went on, she'd begun to believe it less and less.

Looking back Spinelli wasn't sure how she'd even managed to get here, the relationship certainly hadn't been like this in the start, and she hadn't woken up one day, in this awful dysfunctional relationship, it had come on slowly. The badness of relationship had crept in so slowly, she hadn't even realised; or perhaps she had, but she was just too proud to admit to the reality of the situation. Because, in reality, the relationship was awful, it was dysfunctional and toxic, Spinelli could see that now; she'd seen it for a while. However in the past she'd always stayed with Lawson because it was easier than the unknown, like Lawson had made it clear last night, she didn't have anyone other than him, as she didn't talk to anyone. TJ, obviously he'd died, and shortly after, the gang all went to middle school. The gang had slowly drifted away from each other, maybe because they no longer had their leader to hold them together, and Spinelli, who was usually 'second in command' didn't have the strength to step in like she usually did. Instead she pretended that she was strong and that she wasn't fazed by the loss of TJ in the slisghtest.

As Spinelli drifted away from the gang, she somehow seemed to slowly drift toward Lawson, maybe because she knew he wouldn't want to keep talking about TJ, and dragging up memories like the gang did. The final wedge was finally driven between Spinelli and the gang, who had also all drifted away from one another, when she married Lawson; all of them had refused to talk to her after this. As for her parents, Spinelli knew they loved her, however, they too disagreed with the marriage, arguing that she was too young, and Lawson wasn't the right man for her. Spinelli, however, partly out of rebellion, partly out of the genuine affection she had for Lawson, and partly out of not wanting to be alone, had a huge row with her parents over this matter. She had argued that she was eighteen so could do what she wanted, and they had told her that she was making the biggest mistake of her life. In response to this, Spinelli had shot back that if they couldn't support her in her choice, then they didn't deserve to be in her life. Immediately after this, she and Lawson had eloped, and she moved to his college to be with him.

Even back then, deep down, Spinelli had known everyone was right, and now that fact couldn't have been truer. It had also been her pride that had made her leave, she'd been too proud to consider the possibility of everyone else being right, now however, she didn't feel so proud. Spinelli had thought it was strong that she was staying in the relationship, not letting it break her and not admitting to the reality of it. However now, she didn't feel strong being with Lawson; she finally realised that to be strong, she might just have to leave Lawson once and for all. Spinelli and Lawson lived their life on lies, lies of how they felt about each other, and lies of how they would never argue and fight each other again.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going?
"I'm leaving you"
No you ain't. Come back we're running right back.
Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who's that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Spinelli began to pack her bags, enough was enough; she'd found her strength. She wasn't going to live a lie anymore, the relationship was all wrong. She didn't know where she planned to go, but anywhere had to be better than here. Spinelli hurried around the room, throwing her things into the two bags laid out on the bed. Finally, after throwing her toiletries into the bags, she zipped them both shut, carrying them with her and placing them down in the kitchen. Climbing on the counter to gain height, Spinelli picked up the pot of 'emergency cash' which was kept on top of the fridge. This was conveniently out of her reach; something Spinelli hadn't even picked up on until this point. Opening the can, Spinelli realised that it was empty and threw it on the floor angrily; knowing Lawson had spent it on alcohol. Spurred on further by this anger, Spinelli jumped down from the kitchen counter, picking up her bags and storming from the flat; the door slammed behind her.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Opening the door onto the street, Spinelli walked out, dropping her bags on the floor and deciding where to go. She made to pick up her bags, despite realising she had nowhere to go, when a voice behind her called out.

"ASHLEY!" there was no denying who the voice belonged too, Spinelli turned around to see Lawson running toward her. He skidded to a halt and looked at the two bags at her feet. Lawson then looked to her face, his eyes widening a little "Ashley, look at your face! I did that to you, I'm so, so sorry, I love you! It well never, ever happen agai-"

"Save it Lawson, I've had enough" replied Spinelli flatly, making again to pick up her bags.

"Wait! Where are you going?" replied Lawson, his voice turning cold.

"I'M LEAVING YOU!" screamed Spinelli, picking up her bags, and begining to storm away "YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PILE OF SHIT AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

"NO YOU AINT!" yelled Lawson, his anger exploding yet again "COME BACK!"

"NO!" screamed Spinelli, her anger also exploding as she threw the bags down on the floor "WHAT PART OF I'M LEAVING YOU, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?"

"Baby" Lawson begged, falling to his knees "Please come back. I love you, it wasn't you baby, it was me, it's all my fault. Please, just come inside; pick up your bags off the sidewalk"

"WHY? BECUASE THIS TIME ITS DIFFERENT?" shouted Spinelli, at the man kneeled before her.

"YES YES IT WILL BE! ASHLEY, BABY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS, LETS JUST GO INSIDE AND TALK" shouted Lawson, tears falling down his face and he desperately clung to the front of Spinelli's coat.

"Fine. We'll go inside, and we'll talk, but only because I'm not doing this on the street for everyone to watch"

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills you used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, hit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em
So lost in the moments when you're in them
It's the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways
Guess if they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Spinelli dropped her bags just inside the front door, and stormed across the room. She kicked the cans and bottles of alcohol out of the way, before sitting on the sofa stiffly, her arms folded across her chest.

"So?" she said flatly, glaring as Lawson sat down next to her.

"Ashley, baby, please don't leave me, I love you, and you love me."

"No Lawson" reasoned Spinelli "You don't love me, maybe you think you do, but you don't. You just love the idea of me. This fighting, it's unhealthy. I jumped today when one of the patients went to touch my arm, and that's not me; part of the reason I jumped, is because I'm so used to all this shit between us, all the violence"

"No, Ashley, you're wrong, I love you so much, I can barley breath when I'm with you!"

"Are you listening to yourself Lawson? That's not healthy! You say you can barley breathe when you're with me, and this swings both ways, we suffocate each other! I don't have my own space, my own life. Sometimes I feel like we just get so sick of looking at each other"

"I don't get sick of looking at you baby, I love you, you're so fit" said Lawson eyeing up Spinelli's hour-glass figure.

"That's why you got with me in the first place, because I have boobs" said Spinelli with dislike, knowing that Lawson, like the other sex-crazed boys in their school, would openly gawp at her figure; something she hated "but a relationship should be based on more than just physical attraction. Lawson, we hated each other when we grew up, and let's face it, we still hate each other now"

"Baby, I love that, I love that hate. Its raw emotion, raw, fiery passion."

"No"

"Yes, yes it is. There's a fine line between love and hate, and it's easy to confuse those feelings. We love each other, please give me another chance"

"Life isn't a Nintendo game Lawson, you don't get another chance. Yesterday just made me realise how bad this relationship really is, these sort of things, the violence, the arguments, it's become a norm for us. Then you apologise, it's like a broken record playing over and over; I accept and we just fall back into the same routine"

"Please baby, I'm begging you. Yesterday is over, I know we both said and did things that we didn't mean. I laid my hands on you, and I'll never stoop so low again, I guess I just don't know my own strength. But today is a new day and all I know is that I love you too much to walk away, too much too let you walk away"

"And how is today, tomorrow, or any other day going to be different? You always say that this is the last time. I love the way you lie, and tell me everything is going to be ok, and suddenly it seems ok; I still love to hear those lies now because their bizarrely comforting. Those words made me feel like I was strong, for really working at the relationship, and for proving everyone wrong. But frankly I just don't believe you anymore and I don't find them comforting either"

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

"Look, I know how wrong I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm high off of love, and drunk from hate, I know that isn't right; but when I'm in those moments, I get so lost in them, I just get lost in the rage."

"Yes, you are wrong. And that's another thing Lawson, the drinking, I can't remember the last time you went a full day without alcohol, you're always drunk. Ever since you started drinking the violence has got worse! Sometimes you just stand there, and watch me cry. When we moved here after you got fired from your last job for turning up drunk, you said it would be a fresh start, but there's nothing fresh about it, it's all just the same as before!"

"Ash, your temper is just as bad as mine is, you're just the same as me. Sometimes our tempers as so strong that it makes me feel like I'm suffocating so I get drunk and it feels better, and then I can breathe and see clearly. But baby, when it comes to love you're just as blinded, blinded to the fact that you do love me, and I love you. We are both controlled by rage"

"I'm not denying the fact that I'm violent too Lawson, and I know I have a temper, I always have. However, the difference is, as I've grown, I've learned to control that temper, and I'm not the same as you. You show your temper and act violet whenever, where as I have always done it to protect myself, or when you've pushed me right to the edge and i finally just snap. I've never been like this with anyone else before, even when I'm angry; nor would I ever be like this with anyone else in the future. It's this, us, which does it; its toxic."

"I know that baby, but please, please don't leave me; I know this is all me. I promise you, here and now, that next time I get mad I'll show restraint, next time I'm pissed, or angry, and want to throw a punch, I'll aim my fist at the wall. Please Ashley; can't you hear the sincerity in my voice as I'm talking to you?"

"Yes, Lawson I can, and despite everything, this probably is the most sincere you've sounded for a while; probably because you're actually sober for once"

"Yes, I am, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you. Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems, maybe this is just what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. We're both such strong people, but that strength means we can pull through this. Babe, you have nowhere else to go, so I'm begging you, just give me one last chance, if it doesn't work out, then we'll sort it out then. Please Ashley, I need you, I need that strength and spirit you have; I need you to help me"

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna

"Fine, one last chance, because deep down, I still care for you; right now, I can't say I know why that is. I guess the thing is, relationships aren't like in the films, you need to work at them, and that's what we'll do, because this is real life. However, if you ever treat me badly again, I'm gone" replied Spinelli, after staring at Lawson for several long moments "I mean it Lawson!"

"Thank you baby, thank you so much. I'm not lying this time, I'm going to change, you believe me don't you? You won't leave me, will you?"

"You'll have to prove it to me Lawson, for now, I'm going to unpack my things" said Spinelli, crossing the room, picking up her bags and walking toward the bedroom; she hoped this time really would be different, Lawson defiantly had seemed sincere.

"Stupid bitch, I'm a liar, If you ever try to fucking leave again, I'm going to tie you to the bed, and this flat on fire." muttered Lawson quietly to himself.

"What?" asked Spinelli turning around to look at her husband.

"I said that I hope you never try to leave again, because I'm not a liar, and I love you" replied Lawson, smiling as Spinelli turned around, and walked into the bedroom to unpack her things; she was staying.

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I hope you enjoyed the song fic! As I said, its part of my story 'remember me' but felt like posting it as a song fic too!

I'm dyslexic, so I'll apologise now for any spelling and grammar mistakes, I've done my best to make sure they're not there!

Please read and review! Constructive criticism welcome!

Big Cliffy Meanie x