A/N: Just a shippy one off fic about what might have happened if Eileen had not walked in on Ste and Brendan – you all know the time! Hope you enjoy it.

The Very Start

"You going to have to learn how to trust me," he said, "Hmm?"

And for the first time, I did. More than I ever had done. My smile that came, felt the most natural in months, there was no feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was holding back. And his too, against mine, so rare and treasured, could only flood me with the feeling that this was the very start of it all.

The first kiss was gentle; the seal of a promise. Then, like reflex, our hands reached up for each other - that ever present urge just to hold on tight - and we kissed again. His nose pressed against my cheek, breaths coming out in short, urgent bursts as a low hum travelled from the base of his throat, to the tip of his tongue which slid in motion against mine.

His palms pressed up through my hair, fingernails bristling over the shaven sides. He liked the new style, I could tell. It was the way he pushed his mouth against the shorter sides when he came, moaning into the soft hair and pushing his nose through it, separating it to the root like a ripple in a wave. He adored so much of me without words. Today he'd given me words – ones that I thought I'd never hear from him.

So much had occurred over the last few days, but so little seemed to matter now. He had made me feel miserable, worthless, used, stupid – he'd dragged me to a new low and I'd been the lowest of the low, the worst excuse of a man – but now? Truth was, despite my doubts, I'd never felt more loved. Right in that moment - with the carpet burning the back of my legs, sweating and aching everywhere – Brendan loved me.

I broke the kiss for a moment, unfolding my leg from underneath me (pins and needles) and being careful not to wobble with a dead leg, knelt up and hooked my leg over him until I was straddling his lap. I gave myself to him completely – arched back, arms stretched right over his shoulders so my fingers curled into the sofa cushions, my mouth working his with a new shift in power. His hands went immediately to my arse and the fierce tug he gave to get my boxers down made me smirk against him. He'd said I had the perfect arse. He gripped handfuls on my flesh in a way that made my skin sting but only made me want more. I dragged my hand through the thick hair of his chest – how I'd missed the comfort of being held tight against it – and feeling him growing hard under his shorts, groped frantically.

My hips rolled in time with the strokes and he broke from our kiss with a groan of frustration. He locked eyes with me, heavy lidded and with that unmistakable darkness in his face that meant he was going to fuck me until I forgot my own name. Unflinching his gaze, he thrust his finger into my mouth, a silent command to cover it with my lips and tongue. My eyes closed and within a second it was gone. His eyes grew darker with anticipation and a smile lifted the edges of his moustache. My finger reached out to trace it, but I was paralysed for a moment as he pushed his finger inside me and escaped me was a noise I couldn't suppress.

xxx

We didn't move from the floor, that third time. He didn't even seem to notice how exposed we were, naked and fucking on the living room floor surrounded by Cheryl's ornaments and directly in front of the door – should it have opened. Maybe we both trusted that no one could spoil this moment for us. He even held me, flat against his hot chest, his heart thumping within as he stroked two fingers down the back of my head to the base of my neck. We didn't speak, I knew even after everything that had been said, he wasn't much of a talker and me and my big mouth had found out the hard way too many times. Instead I just laid there, still in his arms, hoping he'd talk but knowing he wouldn't and replaying everything he'd said to me in my mind.

His voice was groggy when he did speak. He stuck his fingers through the front of my hair so it stuck up at a stupid angle. I smile and so did he.

"Cute," he said. And then after looking at me with softer eyes said, "Bed?"

I'd never known someone so insatiable. I bit my lip and smiled in the way I knew made his cock twitch. "Again?"

He let out a low rumble of a laugh. "Let me kip first,"

I nodded with a smirk and began to release myself from him, taking our clothes in my arms and heading for his bedroom. He must have sensed the same feeling I'd had walking back into the room – the last time we were there together, that sickening clench of agony – he stopped behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders and kissed me on the neck. It didn't seem like a promise, or an apology. It was display of protection from the demon inside him. He shut the door behind us and climbed into bed.

"Stephen," he began, and opened his arms for me.

And although I begged myself not to, the sleep tugged at me and I said it. "I love you, "

His breathing stilled for a moment and I waited too, frozen for his response.

"I know," he said. He ran his hand down the length of my thigh and looped my leg on top of his.

xxx

It was dark when I woke up and my first panic was that I was supposed to be somewhere else – picking up the kids from nursery or taking Leah to her Musical Mites group but checking my phone when I'd lumbered out of bed, I realised through her frustrated texts that Ames had taken care of it.

I glanced over at Brendan, whose body had shifted in bed to fill the space I'd vacated, and he was zonked, making growling little snores . It made me nervous to see him like that, so vulnerable. Or maybe it was the thought of him waking up and being so different again.

Without worrying about his state of mind any longer, I realised I was going to have to leg it to the loo. I dressed myself in Brendan's dressing gown from the door, which swamped me and softly left the room.

"Jesus!" Cheryl cried, dropping a tray of uncooked oven chips in the oven.

I grimaced. I hadn't even thought about Cheryl.

She eyed me up and down.

"Cheryl I can explain…"

She laughed in a way that I couldn't really interpret. Was she annoyed? Did she think I was an idiot, pathetic, to just let myself be talked back into bed? Did she find the whole thing strange and a bit funny?

"Ste love, you look like you've been dragged through god knows how many hedges. I don't think it needs explaining does it?"

I looked shyly to my feet. "Can I use the bog? I really need a piss,"

"Less of the details Ste," she said, pulling a face. "Go on,"

After using the loo and nicking a bit of toothpaste, I soft-padded my way back downstairs. I stopped on the bottom half of the staircase, hearing voices from the kitchen.

"Shall I make chips for Ste?" Cheryl asked Brendan.

"Chez for fuck's sake, how do I know?" he replied in a tone that wasn't as angry as Ste expected.

"I dunno Bren, you've spent the whole day shagging him, I thought yous might be hungry,"

"Jesus Christ,"

Cheryl left a pause she felt was long enough. "So…."

"So…?" he mocked.

"Jesus Brendan, Noah's only been gone a day and you've already swooped back in,"

"I ain't having this conversation," Brendan said after a mouthful of drink.

"Y'are. Ste's my – our – employee – and my friend,"

"And?"

"And? You can't do this to him,"

"Give it a rest Chez," he scoffed. "I want him. He wants me. Simple as,"

I was taken aback by Brendan's honesty to Cheryl and as I stood there, I realised I couldn't listen in to anymore, so I made my steps a bit louder as I re-entered the kitchen. Brendan looked up and I offered a cautious smile.

"Ste d'you want some chips love?"

"No." Brendan replied before I had the chance to (and I quite fancied some). "Put on some clothes," he said to me, "We'll go out."

Leaving brother and sister to their spat, I disappeared into the bedroom and redressed. Cheryl was right about my appearance. A mess. A confused, high mess, but a mess all the same. They were both still exchanging tense words when I reappeared.

"Eileen called."

"Great," Brendan replied sarcastically.

"She wants you to call her,"

Brendan's awkwardness resurfaced as I shuffled my way into the kitchen and lurked closer to Cheryl than to him. This was novel and the boundaries were complicated to say the least.

"Are the boys okay?" he asked and the concern in his voice, made my heart pang a little. I missed when he'd talk about his boys – when I became his….shag – for want of a better word – he stopped letting me in to that part of his life.

"They're with Eileen's ma. She's gone to a wedding,"

"And couldn't she've brought them here?"

"Judging by the state of the living room it's probably good she didn't!" Cheryl said before roaring with laughter.

I wanted to get out of the situation before he exploded and I could see he was close. But Brendan took the option away from me as he stormed off to his room to dress, leaving me to sit awkwardly across from Cheryl. We'd become close but with Brendan at boiling point I didn't know which role I was playing – her friend, his…boyfriend.

"Ignore him," Cheryl said, pouring herself a glass of wine. She leant over the table, boobs practically spilling over her dress. "So this morning I was getting the impression you weren't too happy with my big brother,"

"I wasn't,"

"So you've forgiven him,"

"I love him," I said, keeping my eyes on my fidgeting fingers.

"Love?" she said, surprised.

"Well, yeah. I wouldn't be here otherwise,"

Cheryl looked at me like Amy had so many times before. "Be careful, won't you? I love my brother, but, we both know what he can be like," she placed her hand over mine. "He means it. But I don't know if he can deal with it,"

"I know," I said and I recognised her warning. But I couldn't not try. He was all I wanted and this could be it, everything I'd ever hoped for. It could end with my heart ripped to shreds and hurting like hell, but it could be the relationship I'd always wanted. And I wasn't going to give up on that.