Chapter Sixteen: Lost But Not Forgotten

It was a cold day late in the year. At least, it was cold in most places of the world. Colder in others. Never hot, unless you lived in the hottest part of Tatooine. But Anakin was never going back to that place, or Cyrden for that matter, or even Naboo. Nowhere that would remind him of Padmé. The pain was still too deep for him to full comprehend. And he doubted whether he'd ever get over it. He didn't think we would.

Pandin was one of the colder planets, with a steady temperature well below the normal freezing level, and when Anakin touched his space skiff down on the icy landing pad, it was also in the middle of a blizzard. Visibility was at zero. The only thing that lined him up with the runway was his thin connection to the Force. He'd severed the stronger ties, as he'd done when he and Padmé had disappeared nearly a year earlier. He only held onto enough of a connection to get stuff done, and that wasn't much.

With a deep sigh, and a sinking feeling that often came when he was alone, Anakin stood up and left the cockpit, Artoo rolling noiselessly along behind him. He went into the main sitting area of the small skiff and almost smiled when he saw Leia, sleeping soundly in her hanging jumper. Ruwee had insisted on connecting it to the ceiling of the skiff, so she'd have somewhere to be while Anakin was flying. She'd fallen asleep there, leaning her head against her little hands, mouth open, Threepio standing nearby to watch her.

It was a cute site, but Anakin felt his heart breaking again as he thought of Padmé, and how this little baby reminded him so much of her. And he wasn't ready to smile again. He doubted he ever would be.

"Come on, little angel," said Anakin softly, swallowing back a fresh wave of tears. He'd been crying more than his fair share since Padmé's death four months earlier. He wasn't sure how he'd kept his composure during the funeral, which had been beautiful, by the way. The Queen had come, and Padmé's family, and everyone who had been on Coruscant with them, including Mon. And a few days after the funeral, knowing Padmé would have wanted it, and secretly wishing it would help lighten the mood, Rex and Ahsoka had been married. The wedding was also beautiful, but then Anakin had cried, more because his "little baby is getting married," and less because of the pain in his heart. So, in that regard, Ahsoka's objective had been a success.

Now, Anakin had prided himself for not crying the entire length of hyperspace. He wasn't about to ruin that record.

Leia's eyes opened slowly and she yawned, a pretty baby yawn, without teeth, and held her arms out to Anakin. He lifted her gently out of the hanging jumper and she wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her head in his hair and the beard that was starting to grow on his cheeks. He kissed the curly hair on her head, then lay her down on the soft bench along one side of the sitting area and proceeded to put on her wraps. Padmé had been an expert at this. But Anakin was getting there.

Once Leia was bundled as tight as she could be, with plently of layers of blankets and hardly any baby among them, Threepio handed Anakin the bags which held Leia's things, and with a murmur of thanks, Anakin hoisted Leia into his arms and descended the boarding ramp, behind his head against the blowing snow and covering his daughter's face to keep the wind out of her eyes.

It wasn't a long walk to the covered area where three women in white awaited them. They were cloaked from head to toe, blending in perfectly with the snow, except for their tan faces, which was the only indication Anakin had that they were even there. They waited patiently, canceled from the storm by the porch and the three walls of the building behind them. It was a big building. There were many stories, and lots of windows, and a cheerful, if not strict, air about it. Anakin might have compared it to the Jedi Temple, if he'd been thinking about such things at that moment.

Under the porch, Anakin shook his head to rid it of the snow, then two of the women took the bags from him and carried them inside. The third motioned for him to enter the building, but Anakin shook his head in answer.

"I won't be able to…" he started, not finishing his sentence, and not needing to. The woman nodded and reached out for the bundle in his arms which held Leia.

Anakin hesitated then, gazing down at her little face, the dark brown eyes, so similar to Padmé's, gazing lovingly up at him. He knew how much Leia needed him. He knew how much she'd always need him. But he couldn't. The pain was too much, and he just wanted to be free of it. He was running away, he knew it, and he let the pain carry him, not even thinking. He knew the answer well enough, and hated it.

"Goodbye, my sweet girl," he whispered, leaning down to kiss Leia on her forehead. "Daddy loves you."

Then, with one final kiss, he forced himself to hand her into the arms of the woman in front of him. The woman took him, carefully and lovingly, and Anakin was sure Leia would have a good home. Without another moment of hesitation, he turned away and strode back to the skiff, wishing only to distance himself from the one thing he'd never be able to get away from. He never looked back. He wanted to, but he couldn't. He had to look forward.

And forward didn't have Leia.

Then the thrusters roared, and Anakin raised the skiff into the storm, turning his eyes toward the horizon and not down to the building below. A moment later, the skiff burst from the atmosphere, and with a deep breath, Anakin pressed down on the hyperspace lever. There was a whine in the engines, then a loud sucking noise, and he was gone.