Stories like these go with the same chemical formula. Two families or cults or groups get pissed at each other because one of them got the last British-flavored ice cream pop at the local Walgreens or something and that grudge just lasted forever. Then at this lame-ass desu gala, the heirs of the families meet and they fall in love.

Sweet, heterosexual love.

The hormonal couple begins a secret relationship and after a heterosexual series of dreadful events mess shit up. Crap happens. And they die.

The End.

Just kidding, suckers. Suffer through melodramatic drama in this dramatic drama.

Meet Jennifer Chang, Her Presumed Majesty of Nihon, by the Grace of Amater –screw it, Queen of the Britannia Empire, and Head of the Otakus. Since the audience has eyes and can obviously see the actress clearly, there shall not be a description of a short, Asian girl with an apparent weight problem.

Enough about her.

Meet Workbitch Bartholomew, the work of a bitch who now is the bitch of work. He works a lot. He does it on the floor, in the bed, in the couch, on the table, in the restroom, in the kitchen, on the airplane, and in the brothels. Well-written porn exists about him – and Franklin Livingston does not read it. Remember, kiddos, Franklin is completely heterosexual.

Enough about those three.

Let's start this thing up.

Man, I wish this place was Japan, but it isn't's library is a dismal place, with lots of flammable tables, books, and newspapers scattered throughout its floors. It would be a joyful place, with Poptart cats shitting out rainbows on its walls and American superheroes encouraging little, malleable children to read, but the library of this dismal city was a site for passive-aggressive battles between the Anglophiles and the Intellectual Badasses.

After the Battle of Quantum Physics and the Nature of Existence, in which the Anglophiles sneakily replaced every book on science with Creationist rants, spiels by Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter, and every vampire novel released post-Twilight Saga, the librarian, Taylor Drews-Garcia, decided to scold the two factions (and maybe flirt with the very-heterosexual Franklin Livingston) the next day.

The next day happened and Taylor wished he had postponed his mothering the next day, a procrastinator at heart.

The Intellectual Badasses gathered at the foot of the library. A very stupid argument is brewing due to the possessiveness of the nerds over human beings and fictional men (fictional women for Franklin, remember he's heterosexual).

Franklin snapped, "Where art Workbitch? Against the Anglophiles, we necessitate every Homo Sapien."

Tori Troutman, an African-American girl, with a nimble mind and witty mind, muttered in response to their leader's announcement, "It is naked that Workbitch is not part of our syndicate anymore. He has been absconding from the activities of the group for a lunar cycle."

The Dear Leader responded, "Be silent, Tori. Workbitch and I procreated the Intellectual Badasses. And I am fully heterosexual."

Tori muttered, "Workbitch does not want to be a fraction of this fellowship. It is apparent in his actions."

Lucas Arch –a theologian of the highest caliber- burst into the conversation, waving his two-grand silver and gold purity ring, "No one would ever want to leave this fellowship, all of us Children of our lord heavenly father God."

Tori rolled her eyes, tiring of Lucas's puritanical ways, "He has not been in our group for a moon cycle. It is obvious that we should all have lingering feelings towards him, but for the survival of our organization, we must find a new secretary."

"He has helped us a mole of times. Exempli Gratia, he supported our feud with the local Republican Club and allowed us to demolish them with a clever mixture of facts and statistics." Karin Gaurez piped in.

William Ofritas joined in the argument, "We would have not been able to accomplish our victory without Workbitch."

"He gave salvation to my holy Christ-loving soul," Lucas Arch preached.

"See!" Franklin crowed, "Workbitch is loyal to our fraternity and has stayed with us like a levee in New Orleans during Hurrican Katrina."

Karin whispered to Tori, "Fraternity? There are girls in this organization as well."

They both sighed, "Sexism in intellectual circles."

However, Franklin began a series of acrobatics that he would not have been able to do if he was not in the process of spontaneously dancing and singing. He bellowed in a tenor's voice, "When you're a nerd, you're a nerd throughout your active cell system."

Suddenly, the rest of group began to spontaneously perform acrobatics and dance moves that were unhealthy for their present muscles.

Franklin continued to sing, "From your first encyclopedia to your last Nobel Prize, when you're a nerd, if you have a mole of problems, you got straight As. You're an honors student."

Behind him, Tori Troutman was doing a fancy set of acrobatics. The audience should immediately feel sorry for her spine; given that as a child her spine was exceptionally fragile. But, nothing happened.

"When you're a nerd, if you don't get an A, you got competition for Harvard," The nerds all paled at that thought, "We're all rivals here!"

And now, this story shall progress into copy-pasta Kingdom Heart SoraxKairi songfic style, due to the laziness of the author.

Franklin continued his solo, "You're always alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're at school with your own:
When grades are expected,
You're on shaky ground!

Then you are set
With a capital N,
Which you'll never forget
Till you get a B.
When you're a Nerd,
You might stay a Nerd!"

"I know Tony like I know my own body," Franklin declared, "I guarantee that I can take him into my body, and welcome him as a brother in arms."

Mostly everyone nodded, satisfied with their mostly heterosexual leader's announcement.

Tori grinned, "In, out, let us begin."

William nodded, typing frantically on his Blackberry, "I have found Kriss Kross through an handy application of using Google Maps and my own Sherlockian deductions to track her. It is clear that she is attempting to have another of her Anglo-Japanese fusion tea parties in the Victorian gardens."

Tori frowned, "Franklin, that garden is an important site of Americans stealing other people's cultures and history."

"We are not instigating a fight," he replied, "I am simply informing her that the Intellectual Badasses, thanks to our victory in the International Science Emporium, will be going to Japan next month."

Tori smirked, exchanging eye-contact with Franklin, "I will manage the fashion choices and manners of all Intellectual Badasses."

"Thank you for your strong sense of work and focus, Tori." Franklin said, "We shall emerge victorious in this struggle against these plebian fools."

Everyone crowed their favorite motto, "Victoria est scire."

"My fellow intellectuals, we shall meet in front of the gates of the Victorian garden at promptly 10 ante meridiem."

"We will always be accurately and precisely on time." Tori promised, fulfilling her duties as the treasurer and secretary of state.

William bellowed, "WE ARE THE INTELLECTUAL BADASSES, THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD." Everyone winced at his use of all-caps font, but began singing and dancing in sync, like someone had never threw a barrage of all-caps at them.

Lucas began singing again, in the style of a Catholic hymn, "O God, I thanketh you for this group, for I am in the top 5% of my school, for I am blessed by you, blessed for your holy crown protecting thee."

William and Karin, holding hands and twirling in another anatomically-impossible way, belted, "When you're a nerd, you're the top of the class, you're the gold medal kid, with the science scholarship."

Lucas scoffed, however, this was ignored.

"When you're a nerd, you're captain of mock trial; Smart one, you're genius; Smart one, you're president!" Franklin bellowed in a lovely vibrato after taking a rather heterosexual gulp of air.

The Intellectual Badasses coalesced into a single amoeba, moving their arms in the atmosphere in a symmetrical fashion. They sang in unison, "The Nerds are present. Our LHCs are ready. The Anglophiles will run because they're limeys."

People did not notice this strange occurrence however.

"Here come the nerds like a chemical reaction. Someone gets in our way; they're infected by the rhinovirus."

They began to form an extremely heterosexual kick-line, chorusing, "Here come the nerds: Universe, step aside; better go to Pluto, better flee, better hide!"

People still didn't notice. Even though Franklin Livingston nearly heterosexually brained an old man with his leather loafers, no one noticed. Except for Taylor Drew-Garcia, who relaxed on a wooden bench, watching Franklin's jumper condense and expand across his slim stomach.

The view was very heterosexual.

"We're drawing the tangent, so keep your calculators hidden! We're hanging a decree, saying, "Fools unwelcome! We're serious."

They finally separated from their very heterosexual, yet dangerous position and began strolling down the street like any intellectual badass would.

"Here come the nerds. Ho! And we're going to win no matter what. Going to get into Ivy! All the Ivies! We! Are! The! Intellectual! Badasses! Ho!"

Sorry for the lateness gais :P Real life came up and stuff. I'll be putting together a compilation of the changed lyrics of every song at the end of this story.

So anyone see the science and olde englishe allusions?