Inside Out

Chapter 5

The time it takes Bo to make it to her desk constitutes the longest two minutes of Lauren's life.

It had to happen. This confrontation. Lauren knows it; but she is not really prepared. She has been actively avoiding all thoughts of Bo. Just praying she could sort things out with Nadia before she had to talk to Bo. Hoping against hope that maybe, things could be resolved without having to confront the succubus.

She is not sure if that makes her a bad person, a two-timing liar. Someone who wants to have her cake, and eat it too. She knows that, in the best of worlds, she should have come clean to Bo already, tell her about what happened with Nadia and the Ash, let her know where they stand, irrespective of what happens in the end with Nadia.

But the truth is, there is nothing in Lauren's life right now that can happen irrespective of Nadia. Everything is conditional on what happens next Sunday.

She wishes it wasn't so; but it is. Lauren's whole life is on hold until then. Pretty much like it has been for the last five years.

Perhaps it is unfair to all of them that she's playing it like this. Perhaps she is in the wrong, because she is in love with Bo. It is something that she knows with complete certainty. She has been avoiding thinking about it, but it doesn't make it any less true. It is a love that has taken a life of its own, that exists like an entity, outside of what Lauren wants or thinks about it. She can no longer subdue or ignore it. It just is.

But at the same time, she knows that she is bound to Nadia, to their common past and their potential future, in complicated ways that only she can fully understand. Or maybe, that only she can fully misunderstand.

If Nadia loves her, needs her, there will be nothing to decide. She will be whoever Nadia needs her to be.

How is that fair to anyone?

It isn't.

Does that mean that she is being unfair to Bo? Perhaps. That she is trying to protect her heart? She doesn't think so. She knows she is going to end up getting hurt. Because regardless of how things play out, she will lose. Particularly now that Bo is here.

She inhales deeply and turns towards the sound of footsteps. For once, she knows that Bo is coming, so there will be no surprise. She can hear her making her way into the lab. Bo is approaching very quickly, nearly at a run. She looks worried, eyes searching. Lauren guesses she is looking for her. She must be right because when she finally spots Lauren standing by her desk, Bo slows down; her gait and whole demeanor subtly changing. She comes even closer, her eyes on the screen behind Lauren. The screen with the feed to the fish tank and the now empty body bag.

And just like that, Bo realizes that Lauren is keeping secrets.

Again.

From shock, to fear. And from fear, to indignation.

Lauren can only imagine what Bo must have thought when she saw Nadia was missing. Probably, that Lauren herself would also be missing.

She calls out to her, 'hey.'

Bo is wearing one of her trade-mark leather jackets, a grey top, dark blue jeans and knee-high boots.

She looks amazing.

Lauren has never known anyone that could affect her so just by being. By standing next to her. She is suddenly very aware that this may be the last time she sees Bo. It breaks her heart knowing that she may be on the brink of losing her. So she drinks in the sight of her like a starved woman.

Bo is holding Lauren's necklace in her hand. Lauren forgot it at the Clubhouse. It feels like all of that happened a very long time ago. In fact, it was only a couple of weeks ago, but Lauren has grown so old in that time, so tired. Bo shows the necklace to Lauren. For a moment, Lauren is worried that she will throw it at her, like she did that other time. But Bo just puts it down on the desk between them.

Perhaps a symbol of everything that has always stood between them.

Bo looks upset, her lips drawn together. She is frowning slightly when she speaks. 'Where is Nadia.' She points at the monitor behind Lauren when she speaks.

It doesn't even sound like a question. It is more like a demand for information. She wants an explanation, and Lauren knows she owes her one. She knows it doesn't make sense that Nadia is gone and she herself is still here, in the lab, working, like nothing's the matter. That it is bizarre that she has been sending Bo e-mails and text messages these last two weeks like everything is perfectly fine.

In fact, she even sent her a message this morning apologizing for not going to the Christmas party yesterday, citing a sore throat. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake. Maybe Bo came to the lab to check on her on account of that message.

She ducks her head, unable to look at Bo in the eye. She hides slightly behind a curtain of blonde hair, praying for the strength to move through this moment.

She states the obvious. 'Nadia is gone.'

It is not really an answer. Bo comes from seeing that. Thank you very much, so she stays quiet for a moment, waiting for more. When it becomes apparent that Lauren is not going to say anything else, she asks for details, 'since when.'

It is not a question either.

Lauren looks up briefly. Bo's flat tone is scaring her a bit. Her face looks stern. Ferocious, even. She is not giving away much, but if her voice is any indication, she's not very happy with Lauren right now. She tries to keep her eyes on Bo's this time as she answers; 'since the day I spent at your place.'

That gets a reaction from Bo. Her eyes open widely and her hands move to the table, leaning into it, bringing her body closer to Lauren, as she says 'but-, that was… that was two freaking weeks ago, Lauren!' her voice raises as she speaks and she ends up nearly shouting the words.

Lauren can only nod. She knows she's been in the wrong. But knowing it doesn't change anything. 'Look Bo, I am sorry. But I cannot talk about this here.' She moves her eyes and face to where she knows one of the cameras is located. Who knows how many more there may be around. She is talking in a hushed voice. Part of it is so they cannot overhear her, but also, she cannot seem to find enough air in her lungs for more. It is like she has a hand inside her chest, squeezing.

She looks back at Bo. Hoping she understands. Trying to communicate with her eyes what she cannot say.

They are watching, Bo.

'Don't give me that again, Lauren! What is going on here? WHY-'

She is shouting, gesticulating, pointing her finger at Lauren but she stops mid-sentence, when she finally notices what Lauren is telling her, where her eyes and chin are pointing. She moves her eyes to that point as well. There is a camera in that corner of the lab. She looks back at Lauren in question. Lauren just nods.

Bo stares at Lauren for a moment longer and then, moves around the desk that is separating them.

She stands too close to Lauren. Like she always does.

Lauren notices that she smells great. Like she always does.

Bo leans to whisper in her ear.

'What is going on, Lauren.' Her lips graze her lobe as she speaks. To anyone looking it may appear that Bo is kissing her neck or her ear. Lauren feels electrified by the brief contact. She can never think clearly when Bo stands this close, and she needs to think. So she breaks her rule: she takes a slight step back to give herself some breathing space. How does Bo manage to affect her like this?

'Not here.' It is the only thing she can think to say. It comes out in a full voice. It is something that can be interpreted in many different ways by whoever is listening. If someone is listening.

Bo takes a step back and looks at her for a moment. Then she nods. 'Get your coat. We are going for a walk.'

They exit the compound without being stopped. Lauren guesses the guards know by now that there is no point in trying to stop Bo. Although she has noticed that they have been giving her a wider berth recently, it is possible that she may have to pay for leaving the compound later.

There is a bit of snow in the streets. It must have snowed last night. Lauren smiles in delight. She loves snow. She cannot stop herself. She reaches for Bo and laces her arm through hers. She has to touch the other woman, connect with her somehow. She has been awfully lonely these last two weeks. Seeing Bo makes her realize how much she missed her. How much she looks forward to the time she spends with the succubus. How much it means to her.

It is cold but sunny outside. She breathes in deeply, feeling her lungs expand. It feels like the first full breath she has taken since the night she lost Nadia to the Ash.

It is good to be out of the compound, in the winter sun, with Bo. If she doesn't think too much about it, she can convince herself that they are just a normal couple, out for lunch on a bright Christmas morning. She even closes her eyes for a moment to feel the freezing air, the smell of the morning, the sun in her face, and the pressure of Bo's arm against hers. It's a memory she knows she will treasure.

They end up sitting side by side on a bench in the park that is by the compound. And then, without being asked to, Lauren explains everything.

Everything.

She tells Bo about the night of the call to Trick, and her frantic trip to the Dal and back. About the Ash's involvement, and how she got her new fish tank. She tells her about the Air France flight that always lands 54 minutes too late. About Nadia's possible memory loss and what this may mean to them all.

She comes clean about her plans to leave, regardless of what happens at the airport. She even explains how she can no longer live this life. How nothing is worth this life. How it is now beyond her to accept the terms of her –employment– to the Light. She refuses to call it slavery. She was a willing servant. She sold herself for a price. And now there's only the last installment to pay.

Finally, she tells Bo that she loves her. But also, that she will do whatever Nadia needs.

That is the hardest part to tell, but it is the truth and she doesn't want any more secrets between them. She just cannot live with any more secrets.

She only looks at Bo a couple of times during her monologue. Bo looks attentive. Perhaps she just looks uncomprehending. It is a bit too much to take in.

And when she's done, she's done.

She just stands from the bench and walks back into the compound.

She doesn't look back.

Bo doesn't try to stop her.

The rest of the week flies by. Lauren doesn't talk to Bo or to anyone else, really. She can barely function at the lab after her talk to Bo, so she stays in her quarters most of the time. On Saturday, she packs. She feels a profound self-pity that she can put everything that matters to her in a tiny duffel bag. That such a small bag is what her life amounts to.

New Years' Eve she spends by her fish tank. The only thing she has found out about the fish is that it is dying. Soon. When the clock strikes midnight she pulls the plug from the life support of the tank.

Happy New Year, Lauren.

When she leaves the compound, on Sunday morning, she goes by the lab one last time. She has many regrets, but none of them are about this lab. She is proud of the work she has accomplished here. She has acted like a professional. She has saved lives. No, this lab is not part of her regrets. Professionally, it has been a challenging and fulfilling time.

She sees the necklace still lying on her desk, where Bo left it a week ago. She is tempted to take it, to keep it as a memory of the person she never wants to be, a token to remind her of how she never wants to feel again, but she cannot make herself go and grab it.

She leaves the compound using one of the safe exists she discovered when she still could think of the routes to get in and out of the compound as her little mind game with her dog-guards.

It only takes her 45 minutes to get to the airport. It is a beautiful day. The sky is blue and the sun is shining. She rolls her eyes. She sounds like that silly starfish cartoon from Finding Nemo. The sun is shining! The tank is clean!

But she does love winter mornings like this. She needs to hold on to the things that she can still enjoy.

She pays the cabby and walks into the terminal.

And then, she waits.

She's nearly seven hours early.

Realistically, she's five years too late.

The flight lands only slightly late, at 4:37PM. That also makes Lauren smile. Not too bad.

She spots Nadia as soon as she walks past the gate.

Lauren remembers, then. She remembers everything she ever felt for her. Nadia walks tall and proud, and oh, so beautiful. She does not look a day older, a day spoiled from the girl that went to Congo with her. It makes Lauren cry and laugh, because Nadia is alright. She is alive and complete. She is walking like a woman that has a life, a future, a past. And she is not alone. She walks out laughing, arm-in-arm with a brunette. Lauren recognizes her. It's Mary. Nadia's best friend from when they were both studying at the University. They don't look like they are a couple. That has never been the nature of their friendship, but it makes Lauren realize that Nadia will eventually have someone else in her life. That she can and will move on.

It pains her, but at the same time, it liberates her. It is like the Ash told her. A favor in disguise, the worst Christmas present she has ever received.

Lauren watches them as they move past her. They don't notice her, because she's not directly in front of them. In all the hours she spent waiting, Lauren has found a place where she can see but not be seen easily. She doesn't try to follow them or make her presence known. She will be visiting Nadia in the future. But not today.

Gave over, Lauren. You lose.

Her hand moves to cover her mouth. She fights to contain a sob. Her eyes are bright with unshed tears and her cheeks wet from the few that have already escaped. She's crying for herself. For Bo. For Nadia. For everything that has gone wrong. For the things that can never be fixed once they are broken.

She stands there until Nadia and Mary disappear from her sight. And, after that, for time unknown, she just stands, staring at the gate.

Finally, she nods to herself and reaches down for her duffel bag. This is all she is taking from this life. It is nothing. Just some clothes and some documents: her passport, her driving license, her University degrees. In a way, it is easier to leave like this, with the clothes on her back and virtually nothing else.

Time to get going, Lauren.

Head down and shoulders slumped; she turns around without really looking, and bumps into a warm body. On a normal day, she would not believe someone could be standing that close to her without her noticing. But today is not a normal day. She doesn't know right from left right now.

'Sorry, I didn't-'

Lauren stops mid-sentence and gaps.

It's Bo.

Damn her stealth. Who knows how long the other woman has been standing there. From the look on her face, Lauren can imagine the answer: long enough.

'Bo.'

Lauren is too shocked to say anything more. She drops the duffel bag to the floor. She doesn't know what to do or say. But she doesn't need to do anything, because, for once, Bo takes the initiative. She moves her hands to Lauren's face, touching Lauren's tears with her fingers, rubbing her skin lovingly. Then, she kisses Lauren's face, her tears. Finally, moving even closer, she pulls Lauren into a hug. One of Bo's arms moves around Lauren's back and the other to the back of her head, holding her against her own body.

It breaks Lauren heart that Bo is here. That she came. That she is being so tender with her.

She needs this.

God, how she needs this.

Bo is warm against her. She feels wonderful. Lauren hesitates for a second, but then, she moves her own arms around the succubus' waist, holding on to her and pushing her face against Bo's neck, breathing her in.

Lauren feels the other woman pull her even closer. She is, as usual, tremendously conscious of everywhere her body is touching Bo's. As conflicted as she is, as terrified as she is about the future, about what this means; she cannot help herself. The physical contact burns Lauren skin. She has to stop herself from moaning at the feeling. Her heart beat picks up, her body temperature goes up. She feels a pleasant rush of blood travel all over her body and settle like a beat between her legs.

She laughs at herself. It is how she always feels when Bo is around.

Half pain, half pleasure.

Maybe there is a tomorrow, after all.

'Lauren?'

She moves her face slightly, kissing Bo's neck softly, 'what.'

'Let's go home.'

FIN.

If you are here, it means you read the whole thing! I really hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you for reading!

I wanted to make Bo tell Lauren that she loved her back, but she resisted. She's just too stubborn. Sorry! ;)