Hahahaha, sorry for not updating in like a gajillion years. This story just isn't my focus right now...sorry! I do have some resemblance of a plot planned out, though, so if i ever do turn my full attention onto this...who knows?

Enjoy!

"Yeah." Aki sighed, "They're going to be affected, too. Winry, although male Mary-Sues aren't really created that often, will probably be subject to a lot of bashing. After all, when you're a prime target, the Mary-Sues will probably try to hurt or get rid of Winry so nothing blocks you and them..."

Edward stood up, a look of fierce determination in his eyes. "That's not going to happen." He announced, turning to Aki. "We'll get rid of this mess as soon as possible. Is there anyway I won't become OOC when coming near them?"

Aki scrutinized him, dark blue eyes unreadable. "Well," she considered, "I've already broken a lot of rules, so another won't hurt any." She walked over to the dead Mary-Sue and picked up a shard of broken flowerpot. Biting her lip, she handed it to Edward. "It's a lot easier to carry than a whole flower pot, and it only contains 1/2 of the Litmus Test's power, but it'll do for now."

Edward took it with a grin, a feeling of euphoria rushing through him as he tucked it away safely. "Those bitches are going to get one hell of a beating." He said, stretching out a hand towards Aki. "You ready?"

Aki grinned, shaking his hand with a smile. "Don't get cocky, Fullmetal. The bloodbath's just begun."'

.

"Edward, what are you doing?" Aki glanced at the blonde-haired boy with increasing suspicion. "You're attracting attention..."

Said alchemist was currently sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, his gaze fixed unnaturally on a cafe across the street. People that walked by always turned around to take another look at the short-

.

OUUUCCCCCCHHHHHH...! Must remember to never use that word to describe Edward! Pain awaits those who invoke the wrath of the Fullmetal Alchemist! PAAIIIIIINNNNNN.

Ahem. Moving on.

.

People that walked by always turned around to take another look at the...ahem...vertically challenged alchemist that was squatting dejectedly on the ground, seemingly a statue of metal.

.

HAHAHAHA Alphonse reference! ...not really. I think the joke was lost here. But whatever.

.

People that walked by always turned around to take another look at thevertically challenged, rather obstinate alchemist that was squatting dejectedly on the ground, seemingly a statue of metal. "Waiting." He replied, head propped up by his hands. "If he comes out, we kill the girl that he's with on sight, understand?"

"What in the world are you talking about?" Aki frowned. "Who's 'he'?"

"Roy Mustang, of course." Edward muttered. "The fucking bastard. We kill on sight."

"Who?" Aki asked, becoming more and more thoroughly confused. "Him? Or someone else?"

"Preferably both." The Fullmetal sighed, wrinkling his nose in distaste, then quickly thought better of it. "But that probably wouldn't be good, so just kill the girl that he's going out on a date with. If my intuitions correct, there's definitely going to be a Mary-Sue hanging around Roy."

"Ah, shit." Aki said, squatting down. "That's not good. What about Riza...?"

.

For your information, I am a complete Royai shipper. DIE FOR YOUR SHIIIIPPPPPPP!

.

"I don't know about Riza." Edward muttered, not moving from his spot.

"Well, then," Aki suggested, trying not to sound overly demanding, "Why not go in there and see if he's there...?"

Edward's jaw jumped, and his frown deepened further (if that was possible o.o'). "No one in their right mind would try to be in the same room as that...that...CREEP!"

Aki frowned. "Is that supposed to be a valid reason, or simply an excuse? Because, you know, Edward, if I hadn't given you that shard of my flower pot, I swear you're acting terribly out of character."

"You're right." Edward said, standing up reluctantly, "You're right, I'm going to face my fears and confront that womanizer and slam his head-"

"Slam who's head in, I wonder?"

Aki glanced up sharply, her eyes widening in horror. Edward whirled around, mouth dropping.

"I said," Roy Mustang said pleasantly, "Slam who's head in?"

Edward glancing pleadingly at Aki as he muttered something about chickens and plastic tupperware.

Abruptly, a wall of giant flames consumed the area around the three, concealing them within a burning hot dome of fire. The Colonel's face was masked in shadows as he stepped forward threateningly. "SLAM WHO'S HEAD IN?"

As if on cue, (or perhaps the will of a terrible, terrible writer) Edward fainted. Again, on cue (this time definitely the will of a terrible, terrible writer) ribbons of fire slammed into his body, charring him to a coal black.

"Shit!" Aki exclaimed, dropping her head into her hands as she sat down with a thump, "I totally forgot about Canon Sues!"

"Canon Sues?" The Flame Alchemist smiled charmingly as the wall of fire disappeared at his whim. "I have no idea what you're talking about, mademoiselle. Now, how would you like to have lunch with me? I have an excellent place already reserved. The food is exquisite." Now that his attributes had been mercilessly amplified into Sue territory, he looked like a Greek god that had descended from heaven. Every lock of hair was in the right place, his fashionable clothes fitted him attractively in all the right places, and his dazzling eyes smoldered like Edward Cullen.

.

Um, whew! This author needs to take a breather. How the hell does a greek god descend from heaven?

.

Even with her flowerpots close at hand, Aki felt herself blushing under Roy Mustang's intense Edward Cullen-like smolder.

NONONONONONONO! She reached for a flowerpot inside her bag, letting the anti-OOC vaccines naturally present in the Litmus Test begin to take effect and clear her head.

Aki forced a weak smile, and then glanced down at Edward's limp form. "He wouldn't be...dead, would he?"

"Dead? Most certainly. I killed him. But if it pleases you to have him revived..." Roy clapped his hands, a blazing dragon of fire appeared, circling around Edward, and smiled. "There. He will be returned to life soon."

Aki froze, her mouth dropping. "But- but- how-" she spluttered.

"Fire is life, dear. And therefore, I may control it as I please."

Her face was pale. Aki took out a flower pot, considered it for a while, and then overturned its contents on Edward's head. "So, what did you say about the cafe?"

.

"So." Aki put on her most charming smile, but it would never be able to match up to the smile of the person sitting in front of her. Roy was smiling so charmingly that the air was sparkling, and people were turning to stare. Aki picked at her food. "Do you happen to...um, remember Riza? The nice lady from your -"

"Riza?" Roy Mustang cut in grandly, "Of course. Beautiful lady. What about her?"

"Isn't she...um, your..." Aki hesitated, and then continued anyway. "Isn't she your most trusted officer?"

"Of course." Roy replied, smiling. "Although, I wouldn't say most trusted. I'm Fuhrer, you know?" He winked, and the sparkles multiplied. "Can't always have her at my tail every moment of the day...what's wrong? You look pale."

Aki was, indeed, quite pale. Her voice was growing smaller by the second. "And...your eyes..."

"Are beautiful, aren't they?" Indeed, they were a brilliant shade of scarlet. Oh, the beautiful color of red! Of fire! Of passion! Of love! Oh, how handsome! Even though Roy Mustang does not have red eyes!

"Aren't you blind?"

Roy gave her a quizzical expression. "Blind? Of course not. Even after those hellish days when I fought against Truth and won, and then single-handedly crushed Father to death..." His handsome facial features changed into one of of brooding sorrow as he turned away, looking out the window. The sparkles vanished, replaced by melancholy music that came out of nowhere and echoed with loneliness and angst. "Although, sometimes I do wish I was blind, so I would not have to witness such terrible things that remind me of my terrible, terrible past..."

Aki ate a piece of lettuce. "Really."

"Yes!" He cried, turning around. Everyone in the cafe was now crying from the pure feeling of despair and sorrow they felt from this stunning man. "You see, I was forced to fight in the terrible Ishval War, were such terrible, terrible, terrible things happened. I was forced to kill so many, so, terribly many, and even now I can't get their..."

"terrible-"

"-yes, terrible, screams out of my head. Oh, how will I repent? Forgive me, forgive-"

\"Okay, we have some serious problems, here. Sorry." She gave up trying to eat the salad she had been picking up, and stood up. Her attempt at a smile was more of a grimace. "I need to make a call..."

.

"Subject 300. Distress call, level 3."

"From the Autumn group? Heavens." An irritated voice, distinctly feminine and yet unwaveringly professional. "Which fandom was Subject 300 assigned to, again?"

"[Searching...] The Fullmetal Alchemist fandom."

"Oh, that one." Disdain entered her voice. "What a bother. And what would the problem be?"

"[Searching...] Section 9, story number 3. Subject 381 needs assistance in getting rid of the sue, apparently."

"Really." There was a loud, tired sigh, and then the tapping of fingers on a keyboard. "Connect her to me, then. Quickly."

"[Connecting...]"

.

Edward woke up to realize that he was choking.

Actually, he was simply choking on a pile of dirt and fertilizer, but he didn't particularly take notice. Panicked, he jumped up, scrambling free of the pile of dirt around him. "What the...?"

.

"[...Connected.]"

"This is Rena Hastuharu, assistant operator of the MSMD organization. How may I help-"

"Skip the niceties." Aki leaned against the wall of the women's bathroom, her face pale as she whispered angrily into the cellphone, "What the hell am I supposed to do with a Canon Sue? Sue in question would be Roy Mustang. I can't kill him, he's Canon! Besides, he's totally forgotten how important Riza is to him, and he can fucking control life. How the hell do I fix that? Canon Sues are the sort that require a specialist, and I'm definitely not one."

There was a moment's hesitation before the person on the other end replied. "...Has anyone told you that you are quite terrible at your new job?"

"Of course." Aki muttered, "I've come in contact with a Canon character, given out part of my Litmus Test supply, and broke about ten other rules that I can't remember. But that is beside the point."

Rena's voice was irritated. "The rules are there for a reason. You know that."

"But how the hell do I get rid of a Canon Sue?"

"...do not let the Sue out of sight. I will dispatch a specialist to deal with the problem as soon as possible. Stay put, understand?"

Aki took a deep, deep breath. "Understood."