The five secrets of Daxter

1. My first kiss was with a guy.

WAIT! Wait just a minute before yer get your panties all in a bow! What I told you it was to save a friend. Long along back when orange lighting still had more than two feet of fuzz me and Jak went hunting for wild turtle doves. , which are a tender and quite delicious fowl with a hard shell. We boys were pumped to hunt and bring our village food-of course we weren't actually ALLOWED to go. But C'mon! The forbidden jungle might as well been named the 'Come-in-and- mingle- in -the- fun -and -bring -dates -to -climb -trees and -try- to -get -second- base- with'...jungle. But anyway there I was stalking in the bush, spear cocked, camo on, and pure man. I found my first victim. A plump white featured bird with the signature large white hump on its back. My mouth was watering and I could taste the juicy rice stuffed meal. Carefully...Carefully...my feet inched through the grass; my body was wound and tense like a spring. There was no sound expect water. There was nothing besides me and the bird. Mono en Mono. Him and me...hunter and the hunted! When...
Jak suddenly comes through running and screaming like wild man. I turned to see a swam of wimple bees in hot chase and I shook my head knowing that the kid never learns. I watch him run away the bird then he takes a mad dive off the cliff into the water! Slap! Splash! Whoosh!
I lean over the edge because it wasn't particularly a long fall, but one that might not be the easiest. I yell down that I was mad he chased away our dinner when I see his body lifeless floating on the river top.
Jak is my main man. So like any hero I did a double swan dive into the river and scoop him up and heroically bring him to shore. But Jak was breathing. He just stayed there lifeless and gross.
I panicked when I didn't hear his heart beat.
Panicked something bad.
I couldn't let the kid die so I puckered up, took in a deep long breath and well... when he woke up to see our lip lock he made me promise we never talk of this.
That what happened! Saved his life. And it's all completely almost pretty true!

2. I get heartbroken easily.

Underneath the fuzzy heart of a player lays a simpler more romantic Dax. One who loved a certain blue haired girl with all the zest of one pre-teen could muster. She was beautiful, smart, and had a killer personality. I remember watching her smile at me and my heart melted. Just melted. You could take me now from this world! Just smile made my body feel like heaven was real. It was my first actual-er 'happy moment under the waist' but it my first love. Thats when I realized that that angelic smile wasn't aimed at me, but behind me.
At my best friend.
My only friend.
And he was smiling at her.
My first love was my first heartbreak. I made up an excuse on why I didn' t want hang on with Jak that day and ran home in tears. I spent the rest of the day locked in my dark room crying...and masterbating. Then switched back to crying.

3. I am not as Brave as you might think!
Now now. I know I am the perfect mix of genes: funny, charming, delivshly good looking. I come from a decent gene pool. My parents- well my mother from what I remember of her- used to be super smart. She used to read to me all the time and I recall her voice more than her face. She'd lay me on her chest and read to for hours. I don't remember all the stories or her face, but as clear as day can I remember her sweet low voice, her long orangey red hair, and how comfortable her bosom was. After our family's row boat was sunk by a lurker shark, I was left holding up my mother and treading water. The shark was somewhere below my feet, chewing on my grandfather, and I was holding my mother's limp body above water.
She told me to drop her. My mother told me that. I wanted to save her, but I wanted to live too. But I was a coward. I was a good kid, but lacked any kind of spine. I wanted to promise myself that no matter what- I would never leave behind a family member ever again.
But I had no family...
I lay on the beach, feeling nothing at all until I found myself being lifted up by my hand. He told me I looked hurt and that I could come with him. My eyes took note of goofy green hair, tall stature, and I scoffed at the straightness of his teeth. This kid had to be some sort of loser, but when he said "Let's get outta here, brother."
Well I couldn't leave the sad excuse for a boy alone.

4. I wet the bed untill the tender age of...15.

I would explain that my past was cruel and I had to live on the streets and my best friend was in prisons and woe is me... yet. Somehow, my doctor always went on about this weak bladder nonsense.

5. I often think about my old job as an exterminator.

That was the only time I truly did any one good. I liked being the hero and I liked that sexy babe Taryn checking me out! I still see them around the city sometimes, carrying on with their life.
There were times were Taryn would find me when no one was around ask to introduce them to my friends back at the naughty ottsel. I would decline much to her confusion. "Don't you want to say I told you so?" Ask Taryn and I'd chuckle. It isn't my story that's going be told, I think to myself. As a side kick, I lift up the hero. It's my job to make him look good.
If Jak is Mar, then my best friend needs me to be the brick wall he can causally lean on and look tough. And so long as that pretty little she-ottsel still calls me 'amazing' then how fucking awful can I be?
And as long as I know what I'm worth.
Then it doesn't matter if I squishing bugs or shooting aliens.