2. Successes Lamented

.:SW:.

Instead of safely sending the driods, Vader had returned alone to transfer Obi-Wan to a second cell. It was the kind of impulsive decision that characterized his previous life; the kind that would undermine the chain of command and destroy a carefully laid plan - even his own. The Empire did not tolerate such impetuous behavior, let alone Sidious. The Sith Lord had regained power through patience, only altering his plans to exploit new opportunities as they developed. Had Vader remained true to his master's doctrine, he would not have fallen into his former master's trap. Mute and froze, Vader was ensnared by Obi-Wan's story again.

" 'Trust in your instincts,' Qui-Gon said, 'and they will never fail you.' Never mind that later in the same mission I was admonished about the perils of acting without thinking. This was early on in my apprenticeship, long before I learned what my master saw as the difference between trusting instincts and simply reacting to a situation.

"The difference, as I later ascertained, was that if Qui-Gon got us into trouble, it was him following his instincts; if I got us into trouble, it was me reacting without thinking. In this case, it was instincts that put us in unnecessary danger."

It was all Obi-Wan's fault - the trap, the trigger, the Jedi's mere presence - all of it was Obi-Wan's doing. Years of searching for the man and Vader had never found anything but false rumors and Sidious' ire for his pursuit One year into his apprenticeship, Sidious had summoned Vader to Imperial City. All Vader had to report of his former master was another failed mission. Sidious stood overlooking his city, hands clasped behind him with his back to Vader. "The Sith do not waste Empire resources on personal grudges." Vader knew that mandate included himself as one of those resources. For all of Palpatine's talk of how the Jedi rules had been holding him back, the Sith rules were no more liberating.

Officially, Vader had not searched for Obi-Wan more than any other enemy of the Empire. His unofficial hunts proved no more effective and Vader was never able to bring in the older man. The only reason Obi-Wan was in a cell on the Death Star was that the Jedi had brought himself to Vader.

True, Obi-Wan was alive because Vader had retracted his blade instead of slaying the older man. But if that young brat had shown up slower- if Vader had lacked the extra second to follow Obi-Wan's glance to the blond man and to understand the look in those aged eyes - he would've completed the sai tok. He would've given Obi-Wan everything the Jedi wanted and it was only luck that he hadn't. Though he would forever deny any such folly, Vader couldn't let it stand.

"To his credit, he was prepared when she turned on him not a day later. For one so young she timed the attack carefully, waiting for a chance when he seemed distracted by me. Qui-Gon was much quicker. Though he only defended himself, she later died due to the stress she placed on her injuries.

"I blamed Qui-Gon, not for her death, but for needlessly endangering our mission. I was taught to act for the greater good: the needs of many outweighed the needs of one. At the time, I still hadn't recovered from the disastrous mission when I let one influence my view of the greater good. I was unwilling to trust my own compromised judgment, but was instead more comfortable following the judgment of the council by adhering to the letter of their mission parameters. To have Qui-Gon endanger all that for the sake of a cub was upsetting."

No one had ever appreciated his impulsive decisions. The reprimands which followed focused on the lives or objectives he had risked by breaking rules and procedure, not the lives spared. They never praised his brilliant ability to learn something important from his gambles, even though what he discovered always turned the tide of the battle. They never acknowledged that he could pull himself and his chosen few through any situation by the sheer force of his own will.

"From my master's point of view, it was an opportunity to teach: first in following his instincts to save her, then in the value of understanding the instincts in others. From my point of view, it was an unnecessary risk with no benefits. Had we not interfered, the cub would've died from a natural predator. If the cub had been plagued with disease or trapped by poachers, I could've more easily accepted the decision to save her. But all I had was my Master's words that it was, 'the will of the Force.'

"In my master's mind, the complete lack of a reason to save the cub made it the perfect lesson. Qui-Gon believed the path of the Jedi is difficult because we must trust in the Force - something other than ourselves and our known abilities. We place ourselves and our will aside for that of another, though we may not be granted an understanding of why our service is required. According to him, that is why we have to live in the moment, because we might never see the purpose of what we are called to do. But as Jedi, we gain comfort in knowing that our hands are serving the Force, with greater power and comprehension than we could ever possess. "

Obi-Wan's trick could be resisted.

The Jedi had been explaining the cub's species, how it was endangered and no attempts to relocate them or breed them in captivity were successful, when Vader first realized a simple truth. The species was quite extinct; its home planet of Alderaan was gone. Qui-Gon could've saved all the cubs on the planet on that mission and some four decades later it didn't make the slightest bit of difference. Except that Qui-Gon had risked his padawan's life for something his chosen one would later destroy.

The more Vader focused on that delightful irony, the less of the story he remembered. Obi-Wan's age, the mission parameters, the name of the species, and all those other small details had faded. While Obi-Wan still held him captive, most of the words washed over him.

"At the time, that was not enough; I was relatively new to the methods of my master and confused by his actions. 'Master,' I said, 'how can one truly be in the moment? For where we are in the present is merely the result of our previous decisions, and what we do now will affect our future decisions. Even how we act in the present is dictated by the lessons we have learned in the past. Your decision to live in the moment and to be mindful of the Living Force is based on your experiences which reaffirm your point of view. The only way to live in the moment is to cut ourselves off from our higher brain functions, like that animal for which we risked our lives.'

"Qui-Gon looked horrified at my words. 'Padawan,' he said, 'we-' "

Vader startled awake at the sound of metal hitting flesh and a sensor-induced tingling in his left hand. He had not thought he had learned enough to overcome Obi-Wan's trick, only resist it. But he absolutely would not tolerate anyone in his presence spouting whatever Jedi filth Qui-Gon had used to brainwash his padawan. A man that would fall to a beast like Maul didn't deserve any sort of respect which Obi-Wan was bound to give him. Absently shaking his left hand as if it was real, Vader looked over to where Obi-Wan had been thrown.

Rolling back onto his knees, Obi-Wan rested his forehead on floor a minute before sitting up and spitting out a wad of blood. He made a show of checking all his teeth with his tongue.

"Though I fear so many years of such uncivilized living has left me bereft of routine healer visits, your dental plan leaves something to be desired."

Vader knew his former master, when disadvantaged, used his sharp tongue and serene facade to compensate. If he let himself become frustrated with the pretense enough for another assault, Vader would only grant Obi-Wan power. Physical attacks had never destroyed the Jedi mask, not near as well as mental ones. And Vader knew more weak points than any other captor.

But the Dark Side was always with him and it rippled in ecstasy at the brutality. He could feel its anticipation pooling in his gut. The Dark Side sent currents of energy to his limbs as they were still made of muscles. It speed his heart and lungs as if they were unregulated by machines. It sent heat throughout his body as if was still wrapped in undamaged flesh and able to touch the cool air. For a moment he felt whole again - young, strong, warm, and healthy.

The moment passed and Vader was left again in his cold, mechanical body. The Dark Side promised more sensations of life, that Vader would be the first to violently break his former master. The pleasure from such a feat would last far longer.

Obi-Wan frowned, then spit again. The motion altered but didn't halt the small line of blood which trickled from the right side of his lip. "I'm quite fine now, thank you. However, I'm certain Sidious needs your dental care far more than I do at the moment."

"Was that what you were searching for?" The Dark Side bowed slightly in the wake of his own fury. Vader could feel the edge of his control slipping, more from his own actions than from Obi-Wan's comments. "I see my facilities are lacking compared to your previous prison and hostage experiences. Shall I find an old torture mask? Feed you maggots? Resort to whips and chains? Or shall I inflict such pain on those around you for your transgressions?"

Each memory brought back an old, forgotten anger. Anger at the Dark Acolytes for their crude torture methods. Anger at Obi-Wan for how careless he could be with his own life. Anger that his former master wasn't angry with his tormentors. Anger that Obi-Wan could forgive them. Anger that Obi-Wan could maintain his Jedi mask in the face of those memories.

"If that's the treatment you're looking for, you won't find it here. I won't grant you that satisfaction."

Vader was pacing with his words as they moved through him, the only filter on his thoughts the suit's electronic voice processor.

"I'm afraid if I torture you too much you'll start to believe in my redemption. That's how it works, isn't it? The more inhumane the torturer, the more you believe in their redemption. Why else would Ventress be a scared little girl while I was a demon for you to banish. Shall I detail her sins for you?"

His speech was more honest than he intended, but justified by Obi-Wan's slight flinch, slumped shoulders, and dropped eyes.

"Yet I forget it's not only just those that torture you. You have an unending faith in those that turn How many Dark Jedi did you try to save on our missions? How many have you tried to save since? When they found you throughout all these years, how many did you fight with your words and principles before your lightsaber?"

Vader could actually see Obi-Wan's mental tally written in the furrow of the old man's brow. He was winning.

"But here there were no such pleas or expectations. Here in your battle stance there was the acceptance of a man facing his enemy to the death. Your compassion extends to all except the one you should be trying hardest to save."

What should've been a devastating blow merely slid the Jedi mask back into place. Only one misstep and Vader had lost his lead, uncertain where he had gone wrong. Obi-Wan cleared this throat. "You said yourself that my plan was to be a distraction, a sacrifice. But now I faced you with the intent to kill? Did I want to slay you, or for you to slay me?"

The challenge was far too easy for the confidence in his former master's eyes. "The two do not have to be mutually exclusive."

"True enough. Though I thought the one thing we both agreed upon was that Anakin Skywalker was dead. How could I redeem him with words to you, Darth?"

Obi-Wan Kenobi thought that Darth Vader was beyond redemption. It should reassure him, both in his position as a Sith and the pain it would cause the older man. He waited for smug satisfaction to fill his circuits and sooth his charred nerves. Instead there was an emptiness in his chest that hadn't been present even when waking up alone, trapped in his mechanical prison. It had to be the result of his inability predict the Jedi. If Obi-Wan didn't believe Skywalker could be redeemed, Vader couldn't guess the source of Obi-Wan's hope. And though he had many weapons against his former master, he was missing the principal one.

"You couldn't. I wanted you to try so you could fail, again."

"I told you before, I've failed many times." Lowering his head, Obi-Wan paused and grimaced as he wet his cracked lips. "And I've had many years to consider all my failures. If I could fix only one of them, I'd teach my padawan how to fail."

The Dark Acolytes who had seen Vader as weak for his Jedi heritage never understood: it took strength to thrive when being taught such twisted ideals. "So you could've held him back even more."

"No, so he could've learned that failure isn't everything. Anakin was too good." Vader's rage twisted the Dark Side around him. Obi-Wan had to sense the disruption but he calmly continued. "He succeeded when no one else could have, when no one else even considered the possibility. And I am forever humbled by the number of lives he saved. But such unprecedented success never showed him his limits, that he was human. Thus he was ill prepared for his own failures."

Vader followed Obi-Wan's eyes to his right glove. That was Anakin's debility, not Vader's. It was a piece of a Jedi Knight that was no longer there, but forever bound to the Sith. The Dark Side conceded to Vader's hatred.

With a twist of that hand, Obi-Wan was sent flying back into the wall. The Jedi dropped motionless to the ground. Vader watched for movement, waiting to feel the sting in his hand and his pulse in his ears. Nothing moved and nothing changed.

Entirely forgetting the reason for his visit, Vader slammed his right fist into the door panel as he exited. He openly stomped down the hall as there was no one to listen to his footsteps.

.:SW:.

2012/04/16